When my writing began to flow again after many years of feeling wordless, I found that the fountain seemed endlessly flowing. The words tripped over one another, spilling out of my fingers faster than I could capture them. I began by writing reams in a little back journal, mostly stream of concious stuff, some specific to things I was trying to figure out. I found myself in a completely different headspace, albeit a familiar one from long ago when writing was something I did without being so mindful of it. It was then that a friend suggested that I start my own blog as an outlet. I saw it as a means to archive my perspectives, my accumulated stories of self and of others who have impacted me. I also saw it as a way to incorporate writing into my daily routine.
As much as I wanted to chuck the rest of my responsibilities to simply focus on writing, I didn't have that luxury to do so. As a compromise to that, posting a short piece on my blog daily kept the muses fed, while helping me find the discipline to write. Until one day.....perhaps I could stitch some of my pieces together........that themes would evolve on their own, which I believe has happened..... I have always felt that one or two of my pieces would be the intial generation of a larger publishable piece of prose.
Most of what I've written on here has literally fallen out of me in record time. Rarely do I feel the need to edit. Rarely has it taken me more than an hour to capture my thoughts and to click "publish." Sometimes when a poem seeped into my thinking, I would jot down lines or phrases throughout the day and by the end of the day it would have formed into something meaningful to me...........well enough that I felt comfortable posting it. Sometimes, I would perseverate and ponder over a topic or a word that had caught my fancy for a couple of days.......I would share my thoughts with my husband or a friend......ask their opinion etc and before I knew it, the piece I wanted to write had found its way to from my head and heart to my busy fingers.
Hardly a day would go by when I struggled to find a topic. Amazingly, the topic I would choose to write about would float up to the top from a bunch of others and push on my interest button so persistantly that if I didn't write about it, it would continue to poke and poke and poke at my thinking. The topic focused me...........to a point where I was simply a vessel for it.......
So............450 posts later............. I'm feeling scrambled inside. My unrelenting fear that the tap would run dry or that I would lose my focus seems to be scratching at the back door, and I don't like it one bit. It's like I can't sit still long enough for the muse to organize itself. Instead of one floating to the top itching to be written, I'm inundated with too many. I can't find the internal stillness needed to slip into the writing zone. All of a sudden, I'm stuck in this weird zone of hmmmmmmmm.......how will this be perceived? Or is this profound enough......?
Like who the hell cares?
I am caught THINKING too frigging much and it's mushing my muses........!!
My son and I had a quick chat this morning about dreams. He asked me if there are some dreams that I liked so much that I would like to have again. "Yes......" was my reply. His comment was that it never happens. If you want to dream about something in your sleep, you can never capture it again. When he said that.........it made me think...........
We can't dream if we are too aware of it.......if we are thinking too much about it.........we can't "will" a dream. I threw out the idea to him that perhaps when we dream, we end up dreaming about something niggling in the back of your mind....... that somehow it floats to the surface unconciously and takes over your dreaming. It may be something you had experienced during the day. It may be something you didn't have time to really ponder during the day and sleeping allows you the opportunity to ponder it.
Bingo..........light bulb moment.
Writing is the same for me. If I think about a topic too much or if I'm too aware of how something is going to be interpreted by a reader I get stuck second guessing myself. If I analyze or discuss or dissect a topic too deeply before I start writing.....................I lose my zip, my desire to capture the freshness of it.
The windows and walls of my creativity must remain open and unstructured for the structure of my writing to happen. It's like prayer. One may begin with a composed verse to say over and over again. It gets you in the groove. It helps you focus. The structure is there as a guide, but if one becomes lost in prayer, if one gains the lift and the connection to their Higher Power through prayer it is when one has a chance to go beyond the composition......... to a meditative place where heaven and earth meet. It's the process of prayer......the stillness which comes through clearing ones head of all else........the time when the prayer becomes a chant of connectivity ..........which allows the lift and the emotional energy we strive for.
Prayer and dreams and writing are one in the same to me.........writing is my method of touching down in that glorious place where heaven and earth meet, where one doesn't have to think about it. It simply happens.
I think I've been thinking too much. I think I've been wanting and forcing my writing too much. It's time to surrender and let it flow again............without a care.
It's time to let go of the fear that if I stop writing, if I don't write everyday, the words will dry up and realize I'm in it for the long haul no matter what, and quit worrying about it.
Time to just let it happen...................and see where it takes me.......
ps. this was the fastest, most focused piece of bloggie writing I have pumped out in weeks....................what a rush that was!!
As much as I wanted to chuck the rest of my responsibilities to simply focus on writing, I didn't have that luxury to do so. As a compromise to that, posting a short piece on my blog daily kept the muses fed, while helping me find the discipline to write. Until one day.....perhaps I could stitch some of my pieces together........that themes would evolve on their own, which I believe has happened..... I have always felt that one or two of my pieces would be the intial generation of a larger publishable piece of prose.
Most of what I've written on here has literally fallen out of me in record time. Rarely do I feel the need to edit. Rarely has it taken me more than an hour to capture my thoughts and to click "publish." Sometimes when a poem seeped into my thinking, I would jot down lines or phrases throughout the day and by the end of the day it would have formed into something meaningful to me...........well enough that I felt comfortable posting it. Sometimes, I would perseverate and ponder over a topic or a word that had caught my fancy for a couple of days.......I would share my thoughts with my husband or a friend......ask their opinion etc and before I knew it, the piece I wanted to write had found its way to from my head and heart to my busy fingers.
Hardly a day would go by when I struggled to find a topic. Amazingly, the topic I would choose to write about would float up to the top from a bunch of others and push on my interest button so persistantly that if I didn't write about it, it would continue to poke and poke and poke at my thinking. The topic focused me...........to a point where I was simply a vessel for it.......
So............450 posts later............. I'm feeling scrambled inside. My unrelenting fear that the tap would run dry or that I would lose my focus seems to be scratching at the back door, and I don't like it one bit. It's like I can't sit still long enough for the muse to organize itself. Instead of one floating to the top itching to be written, I'm inundated with too many. I can't find the internal stillness needed to slip into the writing zone. All of a sudden, I'm stuck in this weird zone of hmmmmmmmm.......how will this be perceived? Or is this profound enough......?
Like who the hell cares?
I am caught THINKING too frigging much and it's mushing my muses........!!
My son and I had a quick chat this morning about dreams. He asked me if there are some dreams that I liked so much that I would like to have again. "Yes......" was my reply. His comment was that it never happens. If you want to dream about something in your sleep, you can never capture it again. When he said that.........it made me think...........
We can't dream if we are too aware of it.......if we are thinking too much about it.........we can't "will" a dream. I threw out the idea to him that perhaps when we dream, we end up dreaming about something niggling in the back of your mind....... that somehow it floats to the surface unconciously and takes over your dreaming. It may be something you had experienced during the day. It may be something you didn't have time to really ponder during the day and sleeping allows you the opportunity to ponder it.
Bingo..........light bulb moment.
Writing is the same for me. If I think about a topic too much or if I'm too aware of how something is going to be interpreted by a reader I get stuck second guessing myself. If I analyze or discuss or dissect a topic too deeply before I start writing.....................I lose my zip, my desire to capture the freshness of it.
The windows and walls of my creativity must remain open and unstructured for the structure of my writing to happen. It's like prayer. One may begin with a composed verse to say over and over again. It gets you in the groove. It helps you focus. The structure is there as a guide, but if one becomes lost in prayer, if one gains the lift and the connection to their Higher Power through prayer it is when one has a chance to go beyond the composition......... to a meditative place where heaven and earth meet. It's the process of prayer......the stillness which comes through clearing ones head of all else........the time when the prayer becomes a chant of connectivity ..........which allows the lift and the emotional energy we strive for.
Prayer and dreams and writing are one in the same to me.........writing is my method of touching down in that glorious place where heaven and earth meet, where one doesn't have to think about it. It simply happens.
I think I've been thinking too much. I think I've been wanting and forcing my writing too much. It's time to surrender and let it flow again............without a care.
It's time to let go of the fear that if I stop writing, if I don't write everyday, the words will dry up and realize I'm in it for the long haul no matter what, and quit worrying about it.
Time to just let it happen...................and see where it takes me.......
ps. this was the fastest, most focused piece of bloggie writing I have pumped out in weeks....................what a rush that was!!
10 comments:
The title of your blog is one of my favorite U2 songs.
This certainly did flow...I often think to much while I am posting but if I just pen my thoughts to the screen, it flows pretty easy. I am not a writer but I can relate on my amatuer level! :)
Hope it flows easier for you from now on!
Oh my.... ditto to what you said. Been there, and done that.... and got the coffee mug and T-shirt to prove it.
Muses are scattering little tykes, and when the moment is gone, they are nowhere to be found. You may sit at the edge of the pond looking for them, but they are off on hiatus with nary a note as to their absence, aren't they.
Of course, I don't see that in you, only me. I believe that you could look at a subject and gather all sorts of beautiful words to capture the moment..... meanwhile I am too busy conferring with Mr. Webster as to the correct spelling, and then the moment passes. I put the blame squarely on my OCD tendencies.... but it is my laziness, or perhaps lack of dicipline luster that makes me hesitate to write more often. And then there are those lapsing moments where I would rather "listen" than speak. (Not so today, as I have left some wordy comments on a few blogs already.)
What's important is that whatever you write contains a flow of thought process... and by you, I mean YOU, Dana. You have the ability to weave a story in all the right motions. You dryed up at the well? No, I don't think so. You are far too talented, and have only just tapped the deep springs of your creativity. We all will be looking forward to more. Feel pressured????
anna....I love that song too...and it's title seemed appropo for the post.
i'm hoping the flow is back too....my fingers are crossed.
hi ellen.....muses are scatterers...good analogy, and it's also how i feel sometimes.
often if i have an idea or thought, especially for a poem, Mr. Thesaurus becomes my buddy. I have this huge tomb of a dictionary/thesaurus that I will flip through if there is a word I want to elaborate on......i find it very helpful to get something started.
thank you for your kind words. sometimes the weaving can be arduous......and sometimes....it's magical.
".....if I'm too aware of how something is going to be interpreted by a reader I get stuck second guessing myself."
I find that to be true too. But if I am passionate about something, the words come quickly and with minimal editing, I can usually get it onto the blog fairly quickly. I have too many days when there is nothing bubbling to the surface - and that is when I post photos or email junk. That holds me until something strong comes through. (Not much doing that lately...LOL)
When the words get in the way, just let the thoughts take over-- they always lead me back to the words I need to say... the ones on the other side of the "wordblocks" that are preventing me from getting out the words that are so desperate to escape from my subconcious. Your blog is a joy to read because I can relate. Sometimes I feel like I'm just bleeding words and it's an incredible and uplifting feeling-- it's impossible to describe to non-writer types...
Well keep up the great posts, I'll certainly keep coming back.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Each word of this post resonates with me. I feel the same way and I am so glad that you articulated it.
When I started my blog it was to 'allow' myself to do what I love (writing) each day. Somehow blogging made it more legitimate. But now as I am finding that more people are reading and sharing comments I am spending more time lately thinking about the perfect thing to write about rather than just being excited about the act of writing. I need to get out of this messy place because writing is the most liberating thing I do.
Thanks again for this incredible post.
Hi Judy.....I often do the same. If I'm feeling stuck, I will look to quotes or thought provoking passages to generate my thinking. Sometimes, I just post the passage all on it's own as a way to move myself forward.
Perplex......thank you so much for your kind words. Wow!
letting the thoughts take over the words is a great way of looking at it. it reminds me of the scene in Bull Durham when Nuke can't get it over the plate......he's told he's thinking too much....... in order to overcome this dilemma he is offered a couple of suggestions....do you remember?
He's told to "breathe through his eyelids.....whatever the hell that means.....but somehow I get it.
AND......to wear a woman's garter belt under his uniform so he feels different a little bit uncomfortable. perhaps I should try wearing boxer shorts or something when the muses stop flowing..........cause I already Breathe through my eyelids !! hahahaha.
Tory......yeah.......it is messy when one starts thinking about who may be reading and how they will react.
Let's just keep telling ourselves to throw that old caution to the wind and write from where we want to. If someone doesn't like it, well they can just take a flying leap......OR stop reading.
cheers everyone.
sorry Tori........I spelled your name wrong.
it was a freudian slip.....showing my "tory" colours, I guess.
Taking personal advice from strangers is always a little dicey. But it seems to me that each establishes its own norms and its own community, and yours is less an "audience" than a bunch of people in a living room, with a little wine and lots of big comfy pillows, dusk falling and Van playing low on the speakers.
Long, reflective and insightful pieces are a treat. So are short funny reflections. So is The Work News. Whatever. You have a loose community of folks hanging out here who don't demand as much of you as you seem to be demanding of yourself.
While I appreciate the work and the thought you put into each post, I wonder sometimes if you're doing something that's sustainable over the long haul...at least, sustainable in a way that keeps it fun for you.
You don't owe us anything, and you don't need to feel an obligation to inspire or enlighten with every post. As long as it's working for you, and you're enjoying or learning or growing, great. But when it starts to become a chore, you need to give yourself permission to dial back a bit. We're all here, we ain't going nowhere.
thank you Balbulican. your personal advice is well received and appreciated.
so far, the writing is a joy 99% of the time. And for the most part, I do use this little cozy spot to unfurl and unwind personally.
Am glad you're not going anywhere.
I'm not either......well maybe on a couple of imaginary trips. I'll be sure to invite you.
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