Friday, November 27, 2009

tears



Tears find me easily.  They always have.  Stick with me long enough in person and you will see my waterworks.  Sometimes they are so surprising and I stand there, my breath caught in a moment, wondering where they even came from.  Sometimes they are the logical response to a moving situation.  Tears spill out in anger, frustration, in sadness and in complete and utter joy.

Memories can conjure up a good cry, as can a regret.  A moving story, new to me, can generate a pool of salty liquid sitting right on the ledge of my eyes. Deep frustration over a head banging situation has the capacity to alter my demeanor.  I've cried at weddings, concerts, funerals......i've spilled tears over a new baby, over a moving story of determination, when I'm tired and have lost the ability to maintain my sense of independence.  I've cried big whopping tears of joy too with my senses are overwhelmed by the face of beauty.  Put on a song that moves me and I often close my eyes and let the tears leak through............. If I'm misunderstood, and misused time and again, like I was in my previous job, I seem to lose all sense of decorum quickly.  Harrassment does that. 

No matter what kind of tears they are however, their genesis comes from a rush of emotional heat. A harkening sign from my body.  A flushing whoosh of out of control energy invades my logic, my clear head and leaves me feeling like a tiny little girl in need of someone to look at me with a softening understanding.  Its rare that they feel empowering.  Rather, they soak the core of vulnerability and leave you feeling naked......with no guard.  No guard......... Many don't like that feeling.

There are situations when I don't like to be feeling that raw.  It gets in the way of functioning with both oars in the water when you need them most. Crying is a natural reaction, though some people are fearfully uncomfortable either crying themselves or being in the presence of someone else whose feeling so deeply that it pours out and spills down their cheeks. I rarely care about someone else's reaction to my tears though becuase I've learned that I can't control how my tears make them feel.  It's their stuff, not mine. When the streaks come trinkling down their cheeks, I'm fine with it......... how effective would I be as a counsellor if I couldn't accept someone else crying?  Yes, the tissues are plentiful in my office.

Tears communicate both outwardly and inwardly and its the inward stuff I am most interested in because they are such big cues to whatever has been triggered inside.  They find you and send up little rays of light to help you figure out what is happening in your core..... a refreshed irritation moment perhaps?  Grief, loneliness, lost love....this is one side of the gamut of reasons.  Joy, of being understood, of realizing you are loved by another....this is the other side. Grace is often packaged inside a teardrop don't you think?

My list is endless........my tears flow when they need to.  How about you?  Are there certain memories or situatioins you find yourself at a loss ...........at a point where tears find you?  What are your triggers?  And if you don't cry openly, why not?  Where do the tears go if they are turned inward?

And yes, I had a good cry today...............right in the middle of it, leaving me with streaky mascara and a sense of soul fatigue afterwards.  How about you?  Any tears flowing on your end?



5 comments:

Brother David said...

Love the picture, my first idea was that it was an astronomical galaxy with it's increasing spirals. I get very panicky when faced with things of immence size, space and beyond my understanding. Tears are few and far between but the heart aches often.

awareness said...

David...the photo is of the River Avon in Bath. It was a beautiful setting.
Sometimes tears exacerbates the aches and sometimes they alleviate it. I find it depends on the severity of them. However, even if there are no tears, we do have the ability to cry inside. Prayer helps release the pain doesn't it?
Yesterday, I actually took the time to find my balance again....sat at my desk, closed my eyes and called into my breathing. It centred me.

Kay said...

I admire people who openly are able to express emotion... those inward tears, are generated out as anger (I suppose)...

who doesn't love a good cry every once in a while? a good love story, being my favorite! :)

awareness said...

Kay,I was thinking that too, but now wonder if the inward ones come from the same host of emotions as the outward ones...... sadness often cries inside.

Marja said...

Oh I am with you I've cried a lake in my life and unlike you I am always embarressed while they pour out especially if I feel I supposed to be strong like at school meetings when I had to fight for my son. I also cry when I see beauty, hear beautiful music etc. I have no problem however with other people crying. Usually I just put my hand on theirs