i havent a clue.........

What do you want?

Is what you are doing getting you what you want?

These two questions are key to counselling using William Glasser's Choice theory. Dr. Phil puts his spin on it and asks it this way............Is it working for you? I would hazard a guess that these questions filter through our heads outside of any formal counselling session....they are key life questions.....a way to judge and monitor our own journeys......questions that are asked when we reach crossroads in our lives, when we are confronted with change or conflict in how we are leading our lives. They are asked when we reached developmental milestones.....in high school, when we are first looking at career choices.

• At the end of university or other training when we are looking at leaving the womb of academia and moving into the world of work.
  
• When we have met someone we have fallen in love with and are wondering if this is the person we want to make a commitment with.
  
• When we are deciding whether or not to start a family.
  
• When we are reevaluating personal decisions we had made that aren't working for us.
• When we find we are drifting away from a relationship which once was close.
  
• When we reach middle age and are looking backwards and then forwards wondering if it is time to forge new horizons........
• At the time of retirement........and on and on and on.....................we ask these questions a lot in our lives.
  

What do you want? The first question that can kickstart a transition.........

What do I want? The beginning of a new set of goals.............or a new way of seeing ourselves.....

At face value, it seems like a simple question to answer. But, try it............ and I bet where you start is far away from where you end up.

What we want is tied to many things. Glasser identifies 5 key areas of "needs" which directly impact what we want. Survival is the first one, which is very similar to Maslow's Basic Physiological and Safety needs. Shelter, food, water...........most of us only really look at these when we are faced with one of them being threatened, though a good majority of the people on this planet spend most of their days trying to procure these basic necessities. There's no time for lofty wants......basic survival needs come first.

The second need falls under the category of Love and Belonging. Again, similar to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, love and belonging encompasses our desires to be loved and accepted, to be a part of a family or a group, to live within the margins of our community and not be left out. It is the recognition of who we are by others. It is the recognition of ourselves by ourselves.

Power or recognition.............do we matter? Goals, aspirations, control, significance, prestige all fit here, and is tied in with self-esteem.

Freedom.....freedom of choice........freedom to come and go and to live how we choose......freedom to be who we want to be........freedom to think and grow......to love who we want to love. It encompasses a wide berth.

The last need is one we tend to put less weight on and that's fun. After we have our other needs met, fun can take precedence. I also think that we should look at fun to include our need to be engaged and focused on what we are doing.......

Sounds so simple, doesn't it? You identify what it is you want, based on your needs and et voila you're there. NOT.

So many variables impact what we want........it's a complicated minefield. We don't live in a cave or under a bridge like a troll. We are all connected to others....some of whom are dependent on us, some of whom we are dependent upon. Our lives and our choices impact the people in our lives almost as much, or perhaps even more than they impact us. As well, we may really really want something or want to do something but it clashes with our values and beliefs. Others place expectations on us that we somehow have to filter into the equation. We have roles and responsibilities which define our daily routine, which may stand in the way of attaining what it is we really really want. Sometimes we decide to choose what we want only to have to face the consequences of these choices......it becomes a "this or that" decision.

When what we want in our lives doesn't fit with the expected norm of society or of our family and friends, we are left in a quandry for a long time trying to figure out if it is worth the angst, or even the loss of belonging to a mate or a whole group of friends and family. And this happens a lot, because not only are our "wants" different, so is the amount of emphasis we place on our five needs. For example, I may have a really strong love and belonging need......for whatever reason, I need to be acknowledged and reassured more than others so my choices will reflect this in order to find fulfillment. What happens then if I was to fall in love with someone who has a high freedom need.....a person who feels tied down if routine and attachments to others start pressuring them? It's destined for failure....a push pull conflict where both people demand and act in order to get what they want........and no matter how hard they try to make it work, if their individual needs aren't met, they will both be unhappy.

What about the person who grew up in a family who had certain religious beliefs, and whose lives revolved predominantly around their place of worship? What happens to him/her when they decide to break away from that church.....that lifestyle? It's a huge step, which doesn't come without ramifications or fall out from the choices made.

So, how do you learn to weigh it all? What takes priority? Do we live with compromise, or do we forge ahead to seek out what we want? We only get one kick at the can of life, don't we?

And to think I simply started with two little itty bitty questions...........my brain hurts. Right now, all I really want is a cup of tea.

What do you want?

The source of our joy.

even our ducks know the happy dance

Happiness, Happiness

It's the greatest feeling I possess

Oh, I thank the Lord that I've been blessed

With more than my share of

Happiness.

(Camp song sung most loudly and enthusiastically by boys young and old.....an anthem to their own Mr. Happys. Why? Because they have 'appiness......and it gives them great joy.)

Fill yer boots Upper Canada, Get Rich working at Walmart Alberta and Lotusland West Coasters...........looks like Nouveau Brunswick will from here on in be known NOT as the drive thru province, but as the province inspired by happiness......or perhaps more than one happiness. Many happinesses!! And you know what? It makes us SMILE ........... a whole friggin' lot! It puts a whole new spin on our tourism promotions this year.........."New Brunswick, No Small Wonders"

News has leaked out however.......and the race is on to cash in on this joyful revelation with a slogan contest for our province's self-sufficiency plan to put a halt to the brain drain and to encourage expatriates and newcomers to head east. This could be our cash cow......our pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Who isn't in search of happiness?? Forget the Reversing Falls! Quit promoting our Tidal Bores! Magic Mountain? Magnetic Hill? Been there....seen it..... No people want to see our source of joy...... Investors want a piece!!

So far the entries are:

"Fooled ya! Happiness isn't found in your heart. It's found in your Stanfields!"

OR....

“Happiness is like a kiss...you must share it to enjoy it. We'd like to share ours"

or how about this one....stolen from Maxim Gorky who I presume has a park named after him somewhere in Russia...with an added tag on the end

“Happiness always looks small while you hold it in your hands, but let it go, and you learn at once how big and precious it is. New Brunswick is full of precious happiness....come see."

This one is being considered as well.....with much thanks to Nathaniel Hawthorne. I like it because, well, who doesn't like an analogy describing happiness as a beautiful monarch?

“Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you. Here in New Brunswick it will make you smile, smile, smile right down to your knickers.”

Yes, it's true......we've got 'appiness cornered in this country. According to the latest stupid survey results (most likely funded in kind by YOU the taxpayer) published in the Globe and Mail, New Brunswick is Canada's family jewel. Some nasty pessimist named Pierre sums it up this way.........and it leaves me wondering if he really gets it.....happiness, I mean..... or perhaps he's just plain jealous that the little province next door to la belle province needs no viagra in their pursuit of happiness.........

“It's about the glass,” says Pierre Cote, a Quebec City marketing consultant who created the study, to explain New Brunswick's score. “I think maybe they are happier with what they have.” For instance, people surveyed in New Brunswick were the least likely to say that modern society made happiness more difficult to achieve, and the most likely to say people are as happy today as they had been in the past or will be in the future.
As far as individual happiness goes, health and family and having a job you like counts for more in Canada, according to the study, than wealth and sex.
And about 20 per cent of the people surveyed gave their happiness a perfect score – 10 out of 10. Are they the lucky ones? Again, it's all about perspective. Pierre Cote says he found this last finding among the most discouraging. “If you're that happy, it's time to die,” he said. “Life is about the pursuit of happiness.”

Pierre!!! For God's sake man............stop and smell the coffee.....and while you're at it.....just because we are considered a "have not" province in the greater economic scheme of things, I'm here to tell you that we have it...............and lots of it.........happiness that is. And now that the rest of Canada knows..........well, we will spend the rest of our economic and tourism dollars flaunting it!!

It's time to scrap the old ship logo on our stationary and license plates and paint the real picture in all it's glory.....anyone out there a graphic designer?

I've got no silver and I've got no gold

But I've got happiness in my soul.

Happiness, happiness

It's the greatest feeling I possess

Oh, I thank the Lord that I've been blessed

With more than my share of

Happiness.

Perhaps this beloved Province should recruit Lucien to be our official spokesman. Can't you just hear him now........."da nort shore is the best shore, dats for shore....we got lots of 'appiness ready to go to work for you." Lucien? Are you up for dis challenge, n'est pas?

Lil and I down by the river doin' some thinkin'.

lily waiting for the big throw.
check out the tail action

There are places I remember

All my life though some have changed

Some forever not for better

Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I can still recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life, I've loved them all.
John Lennon

Went for a stroll down by the river with Lily tonight. Quiet contemplation while enjoying the cloud enhanced light show of twilight in between tossing sticks for an excitable pooch. It's now dark outside and I type by the soft glow of my lamp, listening to Nora Jones' sweet voice. Her songs are perfect for this time of night. They pull you into a place where your own thoughts intertwine with her lyrics. She makes me remember snippets of life lived........and the special people who have been an integral part of it.....of the hellos and goodbyes and the sweet times in between. So, here I am.............alone for the evening, a chance to reflect and to savour and to look forward. I like the pace. It levels me back to calm.

guitar strumming softly.......... i love the sound of the guitar. There are some songs I could listen to over and over again if is accompanied by the soft strumming of the guitar. I can think of nothing more meditatively inducing an instrument except perhaps a slow almost silent cry of a violin. It seems to seep under my skin with a lull and a rock. I don't know why I've never learned how to play the guitar.

It's been a week of juggling busy, which seemed more so because of the fatigue factor we are all feeling. Fatigue from many avenues. Today is the last day of school, which always arrives after a crescendo of activities that are a lot of fun, but too much to incorporate into a workday/weekday and other activities. But, now that it's all over and the summer stretches ahead...........it doesn't seem too crazy busy. Big tears today as my daughter said goodbye to her much loved school as she moves onto high school next year. These past two weeks for her have been filled with such wonderfully created memories........she will always love them all. A year end trip to Quebec City, a farewell dance all dressed up, picnics and signings of yearbooks, awards and report cards.......cherished friends who will move along with her in September, and who will be close by for a summer of hanging out.

friends taking big steps together

Watching her take new steps during this milestone, I see her surrounded by beautiful girlfriends, 4 of them, who have grown close and will continue to share their dreams and secrets with one another as they move forward together. I too remember those places and people who were in my life then. Cherished memories and I wonder where those girlfriends are now.

_________

Well I stumbled in the darkness

I'm lost and alone
Though I said I'd go before us
And show the way back home
Is there a light up ahead
I can't hold on very long
Forgive me pretty baby
But I always take the long way home.
Norah Jones.

A note was left for me at the front desk this week when I was out of the office.....a quick post it note signed by someone whom I hadn't seen in close to 10 years. I had wondered where she had gone........and now I know. We spoke on the phone.....and I heard words of gratitude which made me tear up.

When I first hired as a counsellor to kickstart a brand new upgrading and training program 14 years ago, I met this young woman, a single mom with a baby who was trying to find her way. Through a government sponsored program, she became my assistant. And I thanked my lucky stars that I had her right beside me. We became a terrific team. Our skills complimented eachother, me with my people brain and she with her organizational brain. Along the way, I would encourage her to go to University to work on a business degree......so bright and capable, she always shone. And along the way, with me pregnant for the first time and feeling incredibly shitty, she encourage me to keep moving forward, not to worry........mentoring and learning together.

This beautiful young woman listened and took a plunge into studies and the field of business. A sponge to new concepts and learning, she excelled and forged ahead into a career.

She wanted me to meet her 14 year old daughter this week.......she told me that my encouragement back then made all the difference in her life. She wanted her daughter to meet me so that she would have a face to the name. Now that she has been in the field of business, made good money, acquired extensive skills, ....now that she has had the time to reflect and analyze her life, she wants to move into a helping field. I heard her say.............."money isn't the answer"........"I have a lot to give".........."I want to work in the frontlines where I can make a difference."

And I told her.........how much it meant to talk to her this week......how timely her call was while I tried to focus back on work after a month of familial sadness. We are meeting for lunch in a couple of weeks to hear each other's stories face to face and talk about next steps.............what's interesting is that I'm wanting to cross over a bit into her world, and she's wanting to work in my present world. Perhaps we will be able to help one another again.

dramatic sky, june 22, 2007

This weekend, a friend is getting married. Two months shy of his 50th birthday, he has found the love of his life. I won't be attending his wedding but have sent a few stories to be incorporated into the mix of toasts. He's an old camp friend.........from my "Muskie" days. Writing up the memories this week was a trip. And as I tried to capture moments from 25 years ago we had shared with others who will be at the wedding, the Beatles song I quoted at the beginning of this post accompanied it. This time of year is always a wistful shot back to Big Hawk Lake where the tents stood in a line along the shore, where guitars strummed late into the night, where familiarity and friendship grew up along with us. Tomorrow, I will stop what I'm doing in the middle of the afternoon to send kisses and wishes to a Kawabi kindred on his special day............ and picture his ever present smile with affection.

Twilight on the Saint John river, june 22, 2007

There are places I remember

All my life though some have changed

Some forever not for better

Some have gone and some remain

All these places have their moments

With lovers and friends I can still recall

Some are dead and some are living

In my life, I've loved them all...........


And will continue on ...................... in anticipation and gratitude.

just wondering............

do flowers emote?

validating our emotions,

by

recognizing them as they are,

where they came from,

what they represent

and how they make us feel

fills the spaces between us

with softspoken kinship .

how we feel is not who we are.

what we are feeling is not who we are.

sharing how we feel

however

validates our commonalities,

and allows us to seek a deeper understanding of who we are.

our emotions are not who we are,

but perhaps they are the language needed to unlock

the mysteries of the word of God.

confessions.....leading to the spaces between us.

perhaps pain and fear and anguish have an underlying reason for burdening our minds and hearts. Could it be that these deep wounds we carry may somehow direct us to unravelling a good mystery?

Can we take the risk to fill the empty spaces between us with how we really feel?

The biggest secrets we withhold are nestled in the folds of our emotions.

Perhaps that's why we hesitate to share them.

We have learned to keep secrets too well for fear of being rejected.

We have learned not to trust that we will be accepted unconditionally

despite how we feel.

just wondering about this tonight..............i guess you could say i'm feeling a wee bit curious and wary as to whether or not i should share some secrets?

****for more secrets check out sunday scribblings........

understanding venus....trying....

It's a known fact that a woman's worst enemy can be another woman for no other reason than some sense of threat. It's a weird and wacky conundrum, one that seems to rear it's ugly head on a daily basis. When you consider the ongoing strides made even in recent history to reach a point where equality may one day be attained on all fronts, you would think that women would've learned to be supportive of one another. And yet.......

Yesterday, a young woman in my office who has been juggling two full time jobs to stay afloat and to pay her bills was offered a new permanent job with benefits and a future. She was beyond excited as we all were for her. It has been a long haul and she deserves it and more. With no family for support, this means the world to her. And yet..... when she called her supervisor (a woman who has done nothing but put up nasty roadblocks for her over the past year......BECAUSE SHE COULD and nothing could be done about it because my co-worker was in a casual position and had no "hand" in the situation....thank you George Costanza for the term) all she received was hums and sighs and catty replies. This is SO common.

Last week, I was informed of a situation which occured over MSN between a few friends of my daughter......all girls...... being nasty and ganging up on another in their supposedly closeknit group. Though there wasn't MSN when I was 13, I do recall the nasties loud and clear. It's girl bullying, and it continues with adults in the boardrooms, on the sidelines at a ballgame, in the schoolrooms, in church meetings, at committee meetings.......just about anywhere.

Time and again, I see the actions of women who are just plain rude to other women. I remember not too long ago sitting beside a male friend chatting with him. We were sitting at a table that was half empty enjoying the conversation with others. Along comes voluptuous vixen in a push up bra and poofy blonde hair (from a bottle) who grabs a chair and somehow slides it in between me and my friend and promptly sits down with her back to me. So, what did I do? What did I want to do?

Today, I had a conversation with another colleague.....her question to me....out of the blue....was, how do some women move up in the ranks while others more qualified stew in under the ranks and never move in their careers? Million dollar question, really though sometimes its pretty darn obvious, at least to someone else standing on the sidelines observing. They use the tools they were taught to use, and some are able to samba their way better than others.

I'm totally fine with that...........use whatever you want, but don't stomp on other women in the process. Where I completely turn off is when this happens and it happens way too much. I don't really know why, but i have a few theories as to why some women have this way of completely turning off all other women.

Territorial.......... it's in our ancestral genes, and it can manifest itself in many ways. Come to close to my world, watch out for the claws is one end of the continuum. The other end? The territory is open and relaxed and welcoming. Most of us are some where in the middle. If my "territory"........be it my circle of friends, my family, my husband is somehow targetted you better believe my antennae is up and alert. If I see another woman brazenly and rudely interfering with any of these people in my life, I wont stand idly by. AND I will point out the behaviour afterwards to the intended target.....cause sometimes? It's mesmerizing!!

Temperment......and this one doesn't seem to be solely found in women, well neither is the territorial one, but there is a mamma cat and kittens feel to the territorial reaction. Someone who is introverted by nature meets up with an extrovert and there's a feeling of disconnect while one sniffs out the other. These are two very distinct planets sometimes and it can be difficult finding your way. Though I think if we took a step away from our own labelled temperment, we would see we have both in us. It's just that they are revealed in different scenarios.

Values.......aka.........stay at home moms versus career moms. A field of landmines this one because it is a longstanding discourse on justification of existance peppered with religious beliefs, socio-economics, role identification and clarification, marital support, familial history and last but not least what's best for the children. When there's a clash of the momma titans on this one, just get out of the way, because it's a no win eternal tug of war. If you want to hurt someone badly, start criticizing the way they are as parents. The thing about women who bully, it is never done directly. Rather it's a slight here, a dismissal there...........and dig underneath. It's all quite passive aggressive. Where is the respect?

Kids vs. no kids............see above........

Mistrust of other women...........a lesson somehow gleaned from others........perhaps even from past experiences.

Confidence: In the long run, it really comes down to confidence doesn't it? I mean, if you're confident about the choices you have made and the opinions and values you have chosen to have as your foundation to make the choices than you're comfortable with yourself. It's as easy as that. But, if you're struggling with your self-esteem to a point where you're protecting yourself from not being friendly to others, you are going to act like all wounded people act......in an obnoxious rude manner.

Women who are obnoxious...........who flirt and ignore others around, who use their sexuality especially in a coquettish teasing manner, like they are unaware that they are even doing so, who think of themselves above and beyond the other female minions may think they are invisible to the rest of their venus sex. I've got news for them. They glow in the dark.............a bright neon pink....... and will live their lives with very few female friends.

how sad..................because a life without girlfriends is an empty one.

ps. can someone out there in blogland please help me. i can't seem to arrange my posts with spaces between the paragraphs. I set it up and then click on publish and it all squishes together. it looks awful........and it makes it difficult to read. AND it's driving my aesthetic eye crazy. please and thanks....if you can tell me what i'm doing wrong.

sweetness of life

no thoughts, no words................can't find them today.

it seems more like a visual day rather than an interactive one.

a signpost?

Life can be charted through transitions.

Today I witnessed the baptism of a newborn baby named Lily. Tiny and perfect, with a pink glow of birth, Lily only arrived on this earth 5 days ago. And there she was with her eyes still closed, dressed in a beautiful lace gown which look liked an heirloom from her family, comfortably held with love by her new mother. Her Dad, celebrating his very first Father's Day was close to their right. He couldn't take his eyes off his wife and his child. This newly formed family, surrounded by loving new grandparents sat in the front pew of the church. And all around them sat the congregation feeding off their joy, happy to be a part of welcoming Lily to a life of faith. It is a faith which is carried right now by the people in her life, and by the community she is a member of until she is older to understand what faith means. Or at least until she's old enough to learn the stories from the Scriptures and to begin to ask the questions we all wrestle with.

Every member of this extended family is experiencing a transition or two. Babies do that. They alter and rock your world like not much else. The types of transitions we as individuals encounter may be different than welcoming a baby into our families, but I think we are all forging through our lives stepping in and out of transitions. And every time we do so, we are faced with learning and possibly relearning our own lessons of faith. It's not a linear process....far from it. Rather, it is an up and down twisting path where we can sometimes prepare for the transition and sometimes it jumps out from behind a big oak tree and stops us in our tracks. No matter how it manifests, our reaction and actions to them will alter how we see our lives and how we live our lives because transitions encourage growth.

How much easier it is when we have a family and community around us just like this new family. We can question, lean, discuss, demand, reach out, share, emote if we have others who are unconditionally available....as we are for them.

When the Minister held this miraculous innocent trusting new being, you could see him swell with a sense of spiritual love. In a burst of spontaneity, he suggested a hymn not found in the service this morning, but one which obviously jumped into his thinking....one that captured the feeling of the congregation..........the feeling of a community unconditionally welcoming a new member. Perhaps he just wanted to savour the moment a little longer too. Who could blame him? Can you think of anything more life affirming that cradling a newborn? And so the congregation sang a hymn for Lily. There was a sense of oneness felt by all. Lily was a part of us.

Religion is life......life is being able to show and receive love

Today, I listened to a oratorically gifted man share his thoughts and beliefs with a congregation on how the transitions in our lives are gifts to us which help us do spiritual work. Whether it's a time in our lives when we are questioning our career path, or whether it's a time when life has offered up an abundance of emotional trials connected to a marriage break-up or a death of a family member, or an illness. Whether its the beginning of a relationship, the start of a marriage, the graduation from university...........a move to another city or country.....a shift in one's thinking........a sad goodbye.........a new hello.........these are all part of life....all part of our journey to learning about our faith, about what we believe in. Through these events, some big and some minor we are growing upwardly, inward and outwardly. And if we want to, we can not only share our learning, we can encourage others through our actions, through our own growth. If we want to. We could also check out and remain closed minded and immobile.

We need to respect the process and respect others who are part of our process...a leap of faith that allows for personal growth to be recognized as spiritual work.

Not too long ago, I would've dismissed most of the sermon I heard today as balderdash. I had completely dismissed religion because I had boxed it in as a closed minded option for people willing to be spoon fed. Not only that, I had absolutely no interest in discussing it with anyone. Bible stories seemed so far fetched that they verged on the ridiculous.....how is it that anyone could believe such crazy stuff, I thought? Now that I have some perspective and have found my desire to dive into the vat of miraculous happenings as well as the guiding lessons found in the spirit of the parables and scripture, I see that perhaps my journey beyond the spiritual wildnerness was also spiritual work. Though it was a bloody long transition...........I seemed to have sat on the river bank without a paddle and without a desire to find a paddle for a good long time......I think it was necessary in order for me to reach a place where my heart opened again and where my ever present curiosity finally turned it's attention to God again.

Ah, that ever present Creator. Wouldn't it be grand if you could get a glimpse of Him? I mean, wouldn't it make believing so much easier? Believing happens through allowing for life's transitions to help us recognize that religion is living life and sharing it with others. You may never see God, but you may feel His spirit and His guidance by stepping in and out of transitions. He is often the One holding the flashlight.

Henri Nouwen writes:

To be a witness for God is to be a living sign of God's presence in the world. What we live is more important than what we say, because the right way of living leads to the right way of speaking. Whe we forgive our neighbours from our hearts, our hearts will speak forgiving words. When we are grateful, we will speak grateful words.

He also writes:

How does the Spirit of God manifest itself through us? Often we think that to witness means to speak up in defense of God. This idea can make us very self-conscious. We wonder where and how we can make God the topic of our conversations and how to convince others of God's presence in our lives. The way God's Spirit manifests itself most convincingly is through it's fruit: "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, trustfulness, gentleness and self-control." These fruit speak for themselves. It is therefore always better to raise the question " How can I grow in the Spirit?" than ask the question, " How can I make others believe in the Spirit?"

Religion is life. Believing is found in the actions and reactions, in the questions and answers and in the desire and drive to take the leap towards faith. It's a lot of spiritual work, often made more manageable by surrounding ourselves with a diverse community who are respectfully open to discussing it all with you and you with them.

No doubt I drive many crazy with my questions. It's like I had forgotten all of the stories from my childhood and adolescent attendance at church. Friends and colleagues whom i know have been more consistently involved in religion are great receptive targets.....most of whom I had never had a conversation with about their faith until recently. They have been great. Interestingly, often when i do ask a question about a tradition or of a particular concept connected to their personal church or religion they often have to stop and think about it because they hadn't done so in a long time and it had just become second nature. The conversations lead to a longer conversation or another one later on when they have time to gather their thoughts, but they are always willing to share.

Baby Lily......her journey has just begun. Let us hope that this beautiful little being will always have the love and support to nurture her growth, to answer some of her questions and to allow her to find some of the answers through her personal transitions.

Today, I witnessed a newborn being baptised. It made me cry tears of gratitude that I am again at a place where I can witness, and where I can feel His presence. The fruits of the Spirit.........in one tiny bundle of innocence.

ps....Paul?, somewhere in this ramble is my comment to your own post........I think it may be a bit like that book "Where's Waldo"........I hope you can find it. :)

ps again.......if you are intrigued to read Paul's latest post, here is the link to his Harbour. it is always worth the trip.

For my Dad

From my garden to yours.

I took many photos yesterday of the growing flowers in my neighbourhood, and this is the one I liked the most. Irises are blooming everywhere.......in stunning technicolour. I love them for many reasons.

They are the most elegant and showy at this time of year, like a brightly coloured sundress that flows when you confidently walk down the street. Irises exude feminity and feeling.

They remind me of the many little miracles all around us. Every year, these beauties return in all of their hardy glory. How can anyone miss them? Irises make us stop in our busy tracks to take a moment to appreciate life.

Most importantly, they remind me of my family tree. From a sturdy stalk comes many blooms.

Dad, I picture you today, this Sunday Father's Day spending some of it in your garden in the backyard, perhaps with the ballgame on the radio in the background...tending to it, but also appreciating the beauty as you always do. You can count on me doing the same two provinces away.

Thank you for all that you and Mom have done always, but most recently over the past month. One of the most important lessons you taught all three of your daughters is that you are always just a phone call away. No matter what. We have taken you up on that many times and every single time you WERE!! Thank God! It is a lesson I will uphold for my children and for the other special people in my life. Always.

We are a sturdy stalk............because of you. We can be counted on because of you. We appreciate our strengths, individually and as an extended family because of you.

Happy Father's Day Deputy Dog Bob, with love and gratitude. Always

Muskie xo

Do you like cheesies?

Dante by Dali

I used to teach adult evening courses at the local Community College when I was first dipping my toes into the field of adult education. I remember my first class. I was so nervous,wondering if I could pull it off and anxious that I wouldn't be able to pass on my knowledge to the students in any manner that they would understand or enjoy. I was only given a text book and a list of objectives and told to design a 10 week course. I had 3 days to plan it out.....on my own. Needless to say, I was a bit jittery that first night. It was all new.....the building, the classroom, the teacher, the students, the subject matter and the friendly security guard who greeted me at the elevator door which opened up to a hallway of classrooms on the fourth floor of an office building.

Her name was Barb. She was in her late 60's.

Actually, Barb was called a "commissionaire" which I think meant watcher of door, observer of possible lurkers and light turner offer. Given that this city is relatively safe, commissionaires are all retired folk who want to keep their hands in the world of employment and who are earning some extra cash on top of their pensions. Hence, Barb fit the bill. Friendly and overflowing with extroverted enthusiasm Barb greeted everyone with a loudish hale hello, howdy doo........which tended to make some cower away from her. But, on the night of my first class, she was exactly what I needed......not a grandma commissionaire security guard......no a friendly "you're gonna do just fine" kind of person.....and she was exactly that and more. I quickly learned that Barb, in her outgoing no holds barred, never gets embarrassed manner was one of those souls who walked to a different beat. A true eccentric..........offbeat, absurd manners as well as an askew hairdo and off kilter uniform that didn't seem to fit her properly.

She had no clue that she would be categorized as an eccentric. It was just the way she was.

I think that's key. Eccentrics don't describe themselves as eccentric. Others do. And sometimes others will point it out to the eccentric. It's just the way they tick. And thank God the world is full of them. How boring it would be if we didn't have wonderful eccentrics all around us.

We chatted as I prepared my classroom, laying out the handouts and opening my notes etc. She commented on the fact that I had brought a cup of tea with me, which was her favourite beverage, and told me she would have a fresh pot ready for breaktime. I thanked her and she left me to begin my new career. And so I began............and it went well............so well that I had the class engaged in a discussion which I didn't dare stop exactly at breaktime and had decided to let the conversation continue until a more logical place to call a timeout. Right at that moment, Barb knocked on the door quickly, and then walked in with a fresh cup of tea for me, completely disrupting the class.

Talking away to me like we were the only two in the classroom, the students stopped and watched this funny woman babble away about how she didnt want the tea to grow cold, but she didn't know what I wanted in it, so I better call a break so that I could add my milk.... blah,blah,blah she went on. I just laughed. She was a complete nut......and a wonderful icebreaker. She made me realize how one shouldn't take things like teaching your first course so damn seriously. Throughout the 10 week course, Barb always brought me a cup of tea. We all got used to her interuptions.

Sometimes, she'd sit in for a bit to listen to the topic at hand and then make comments about how wonderful my teaching was and how lucky they were to have me as their instructor. It was flattering for sure, but very very odd.......

One night, Barb knocked opened the classroom door about 15 minutes into the classtime and asked me if she could talk to me. She had the weirdest look on her face....I thought something was really wrong. So, I arranged for the class to work in small groups and rushed out into the hallway only to find her doubled over laughing hysterically. She was laughing so hard that she had tears in her eyes and she could hardly catch her breath. After many guffawing pauses, her story spilled out.

Turns out, Barb had gone down the elevator to buy a bag of Cheesies. On the way up, as she's eating them a young east Indian family, parents and a little 6 year old, joined her in the elevator. They were just learning English. Barb, being the overfriendly grandma eccentric that she was, leaned down to the little girl and asked her in her booming voice if she liked cheesies.....she wanted to share her bag with the little girl.

"Do you like cheesies.....?" she asked

The little girl looked at her with big saucer eyes and didn't respond. Barb tried again.....

"Do you like cheesies....?!"

The little girl looked at her parents to see how to answer this pushy lady. Barb figured the child was shy and perhaps wasn't supposed to talk to strangers.....even grey haired ones in security guard uniforms with a bag of cheesies in her hand. So, she asked the little girls parents.....

"Does she like cheesies?"

The parents, looked to their child and spoke to her in their language to answer the nice lady. In a little scared voice the 6 year old looked up at Barb and said....

"Yes, I like Jesus."

Barb was dumbfounded and embarrassed that this little girl thought she was being asked about Jesus instead of a bag of cheesies..........no wonder the kid was scared. How often do you get into an elevator with a crazy lady eating a bag of cheesies asking you if you like Jesus? So, Barb did what we all would've done.........she went along with it.

"Good for you! And because you do, have a bag of cheesies." And she passed her bag of cheesies to this little girl.

An Abbott and Costello "Who's on first" kind of moment......which completely cracked Barb up....me too.......

Months later, after I had been teaching both day and night, I was finally offered a term contract to teach full time. Even though I had been teaching full time for almost a year, this contract offered benefits and a little more job security. It also meant for some reason that my pay cheque was process through a different payroll and consequently I was going to be 3 weeks without a pay. Well, the 3 weeks turned into 6.......and no one seemed to be able to help this situation. I just had to wait it out. Given that I was the sole breadwinner while my husband was enrolled at the University......this was dire. It was a frustrating and stressful time......and I was more than angry about the situation. Here I was working full time during the day and teaching two nights a week and not a pay to show for it.

One night, there was a knock on the door of our apartment. Quel surprise! It was Barb, who lived around the corner from us. She was carrying a big box......filled with goodies and leftovers. She was worried that we didn't have anything to eat, so she packed up what was left of her roast beef dinner and threw in a bunch of vegies and canned soup. I was completely blown away by her generosity.

A guardian angel, she was..................

Barb began pulling everything out of the box to explain the offerings.........at the bottom of the box was a twist tied baggie. She pulled out the baggie from the box, undid the twist ties and pulled out the contents..........to my shock and surprise she was holding up a couple of pairs of underwear........big old lady underwear...................a couple of pairs of her own. At the last minute, she said, she thought she should throw in some undies just in case we couldn't afford to do laundry. She didn't want me caught without clean undies!!

What do you say to that?

Eccentrics come in all packages......some are complete out there.........some are completely in their own heads......some offer you cheesies, some make sure you're never caught without clean gotch. Misfits one and all...............always a breath of fresh air.

For more eccentricities..............check out sunday scribblings.......

Curious George Goes to Albania

yabba dabba doo

So, the day after the Big 8 meet to discuss world issues, pollution and take time to swap baseball cards or whatever they do at those overblown photo opportunities of international stature, the Great White Bush heads to Albania. Turns out, they love him there. Standing ovations, swooning crowds, cheers instead of jeers and chants of "Booshie! Booshie"......greeted GW when he stepped onto the Tirana tarmac. According to his spinneroo media folks, GW has frigging rock star status in Albania.

So, what is that all about? Yeah, it has to do with Kosovo independence, but did he head there to make an announcement or did he just want to be the first President of the United States to visit? Was is simply a diversion used to cover up the reality that sweet squat was accomplished at the summit? Was it the only invitation he received from a country close by? Was there a deal in the making to arrange for more trading between the two power countries? What the heck was it all about?

Given that he's tanking in the polls at 28 percent in his own country, maybe his "handlers" thought a rousing out of control bunch of Albanians trying to shake hands with the Prez would go over well in middle America.......where the country of Albania and it's distinctive history always makes the supper news, would help him increase his popularity at home.


Did the handlers really think the average American would say to themselves......"OMG, those rascal Albanians love our Georgie......I should give him my vote of confidence again?"



Or.....how about........



"Look at that Henry............they LOVE him, they REALLY LOVE him......we should give him another chance and forgive him for ruining our reputation around the world. Oh, look.....he's smiling again.........that's our George!!"



Or perhaps his handlers do live outside of a box located in the bowels of the White House and thought they would give Curious George a memory present. Cause one day in the not too distant future, GW will be sitting on the front porch with his ever nodding always smiling wife looking out at his ranch when the realization will hit that he may have blown a thing or two during his halcyon President days. So that he has a grand memory to fall back on, those brilliant bright lights who get paid big bucks to come up with ways and means to make their boss look palatable, decided to take him to the only country left on the planet who could make a big stink about him.



Ah, the glory days..........er day.............er a couple of hours...........spent with his Albanian buddies.



odd.........very odd............and very funny. He takes a licking, but he keeps on ticking.

knocking down the structures.

resiliency

I've been in trouble, but I'm ok

Been through the wringer but I'm ok

Walls are falling and I'm ok

Under the mercy and I'm ok

Gonna tell my old lady

Gonna tell my girl

There isn't anything in the world

That can lock up my love again.

Bruce Cockburn, Fascist Architecture

Words to repeat and repeat.

Cockburn wrote this song years ago after visiting Italy where he viewed the buildings built during the Mussolini regime, and which he considered overbearing structures that blocked out the light. Cockburn's feeling, described in an interview was that the buildings dwarfed the people who lived and worked in their shadows. Inspired, he incorporated his thoughts and his observations into a metaphorical song about our own internal structures we construct to lock out others. Personal events, emotionally trying experiences have the ability to break down the walls of protection, don't they?

After years of living waiting for the crisis to hit, it came with a double punch. We have lost two people in our lives within a month. Their long term illnesses and needs as well as the unreachable expectations placed on us forced us to build big structures in order to cope. It's not over just yet, but it will be soon. The structures are tumbling down.

We've been through the wringer.......and we're ok.

Lots to think about, and it's ok.

Tired souls and that's ok.

Counting our blessings, and they're ok.

looking through nature's window

a string of hearts........

bleeding heart forest

Some wear theirs on their sleeve, while others keep theirs tucked away.

Life in the frontlines continues to tax one with respect to how much you give of yourself. It sounds so selfish when I write it that way, but I believe it's just as important to be aware of where you heart is and how much you allow it to bleed. You have to care for yourself first.

You can easily bleed to death. And then what? You have nothing to give after that. This often occurs with people who are awash with a sense of idealism which leads them to believe it is their responsibility to take on everyone's problems and solve them for them. Often fed by personal political and/or religious philosophies the bleeding heart, blinded from recognizing their own need to be perceived as a caring good person but wracked by their own emotional schemas, aren't helping.

We need to walk with a person, not do the walking for them.

Sure we always need to be open to sharing and breaking bread with another. We always need to recognize the times when we must provide the buffet of sustenance, especially when someone else's cupboards are empty. But, we also must appreciate the importance of helping someone find their own independent path to self-sufficiency. Even as parents, we need to ensure our children learn to be confident in their ability to provide for themselves.

When we do too much, we do more harm. We end up bleeding to death.

Then there's the other side of the coin..........the hardened burn out who negatively smears all individuals with the same paint of rejection. Sometimes these people, who have somehow managed to find themselves in the helping field may not be hardened by burn out. In fact they may have actually experienced many of the same life events and have learned to hide their hearts in the forest with the false belief ....."I've been there and got out of the muck, why can't you?" And you know what the underlying message is to this attitude? "Lazy! Quit being so bloody lazy. Pull up your socks and get a grip......" or something like that. This attitude and approach does just as much harm. Not only that, it is completely disrespectful and rude.

Wounded bleeding hearts are hidden behind obnoxious behaviour.

However, there are times when a bleeding heart does need to be tucked away from sight....when direct confrontation or a more "business like" approach is necessary. But, guess what? This can be accomplished respectfully........ there is never a need to respond to someone you are in the role of helping with disdain. Respect is showing heart.

Consoling listening, heart on the sleeve............versus a closed heart hidden away from human massage. Perhaps they both bleed in different ways.

In order to be effective in the field of counselling, one has to know one's limits and one's triggers. It is so easy to get pulled into a story and lose perspective. Life drama is enticing, an alluring drug for anyone with the propensity to be a "helper." There will always be individuals who pull on the strings, or who irritate you just by revealing their wounds. But this is never their stuff.....our reactions to others culminate from our own stuff. This is what we need to be cognizant of.

--------------------------

Today, I had a conversation with a co-worker who is at her wits end. Trying to help out a well known individual who has a raging reputation from past confrontations with the frontlines but is now older, ill, defeated and in desparate need of intervention and advocacy, my colleague has met one big wall after another in her pursuit to try to help a dire situation. She has experienced a very different client than in the past.....some of this is because the client has been beaten down by a system and has no recourse but to surrender to help, but I also know that my colleague's approach has been from her heart. Consequently, the response from this notorious client has been very different. He sees and feels respect and understanding, he acts and thinks accordingly. He learns that this heart is listening.......REALLY listening, and he learns to trust and to ask for help.

The conversation ended with a discussion on being "nice," and how that is all it really takes.....to be and to show that you're nice and people react positively. Scary really....it hardly takes any effort to be nice to someone and yet we are surrounded by people whom it wouldn't cross their minds to be NICE. Hidden hearts aren't nice.

Such a nebulously Canadian word, isn't it? Nice. Supposedly etched into the Canuck psyche......we're perceived as a nice bunch....kind of vanilla really. It may be vanilla.........but it can pack a wallop. Why? Because "Nice" is the water spring where hearts bleed for others, where empathy is conceived.......where we drink from the cup of humanity.

ps. Deb? the photo is for you................. xo

door into lighthouse

Insights are not always rosy aha moments are they? Sometimes new awareness is like a kick in the gut, especially when it has to do with ourselves. Who really wants to acknowledge places where the paint has been scraped off by predictable and unpredictable weathering?

The most deeply felt insights seem to dovetail with vulnerability, when you're at your lowest most naked ebb. I think this is why prayer can be so profound. Though not always, there are times when one can surrender to this feeling of vulnerability, and find the confidence to allow for the insights to lead to personal growth and learning. Then, we begin to see the nicks and life tattoos in a manner with which we can accept them.....that perhaps it's better to allow your authenticity and accumulated experiences show rather than a freshly painted facade.


Does it take courage to open the door to insight? Maybe. Courage to listen to the wise whispers found within the silence between the words of a prayer perhaps is the key to getting to a point when we have no more amour to defend the facade.....when you throw your hands in the air and say to yourself.............what do I have to lose? Help me figure it out.


Vulnerability as a means to insight......unlocks the incentive to ask the "whys" and "how comes" and all of those questions we often want to avoid. It is vulnerability which opens our ears and hearts to listening to the Consoler, the Holy Spirit. It is vulnerability which allows us to know we have someone pretty darn special walking with us.

Insights may be a kick in the gut sometimes, but they are a path that can lead us to honest reflections........ or to bed with our head under the pillow.

Be Thou my Vision

Be Thou my vision, oh Lord of my heart

Nought be all else to me, save that Thy art

Thou my best thought in the day and the night

Waking or sleeping, Thou presence my light

Be Thou my wisdom, be Thou my true word

I ever with Thee and Thou with me Lord

Thou my great Father and I Thy true son

Thou in me dwelling and I with Thee one

Be Thou my breastplate, my sword for the fight

Be Thou my armour and be Thou my might

Thou my soul shelter, and Thy my high tower

Raise Thou me heavenwards, oh power of my power

Riches I need not, nor man's empty praise

Thou mine inheritance through all of my days

Thou and Thou only though first in my heart

High king of heaven my treasure Thou art

Oh high king of heaven, when battle is done

Grant heaven's joy to me, bright heaven sun

Christ of my own heart, whatever befall

Still be my vision, though ruler of all

A beautiful old Irish hymn.....I love Van Morrison's version. It is singing in my head right now...............providing a place to feel centred.