eye dimples

The other night, a bunch of us were sitting around the dining room table playing a game of Balderdash. One of the "moms" made a comment about having so many wrinkles around her eyes.   She was using it as a metaphor for stress and life's unrelenting complications that tend to leave life acquired scars and wrinkles.  She has them, but it was a metaphor!   My son replied to her......... "They aren't wrinkles.... They are eye dimples."  We laughed. 

Yeah, I used to have these cute dimples in the middle of my cheeks.  Somehow while the rest of me began to sag downward, the dimples tiptoed up to the corners of my green eyes and began smiling from there.  Isn't it funny how we can manage to get our head around the beauty of aging if we just alter our perspective on it?  Dimples are considered youthfully cute.  Wrinkles are considered lines of weary.  Strange how our perceptions shift by using one label over another.

I was asked yesterday by a friend how I felt about being the age I am right now, on the cusp of turning 50.  The vanity coupled with the little fear I have that bites me when I'm all alone at night caught in a flurry of misguided thoughts while laying in bed wide awake doesn't like it one bit.  However, the majority of the time?  I'm liking it all.  This is my prime even if my eyes disappear into a squint when I smile now.  Inside, my youthfulness has discovered the strength and convictions acquired through experience and has blended its own curiosity and flirtations to form me.  The older I get, the more comfortable I am in my own skin.  There's a saying that middle age is when your old enough to know better but young enough to still do it.  With panache!  Love panache!

How about you?  

Are you comfortable in your own skin? 

Do you like who you are, and who you are becoming? 

If not, why not?  How can you become happier with yourself?

If so, why so?  Where did this comfort come from?

Do you see the wrinkles around your eyes as a frightening symbol of aging, or as a smiling set of eye dimples?

Certainly this is a period in my life when I find myself in the midst of transition.  Its a natural place to be.  Spiritually, emotionally, sexually I am in my prime.  Physically, I'm lagging behind along with my saggy-ness...gravity does that.  There are times when I look in the mirror or at a photo of myself and I'm shocked by the reality that my looks are not the same as they were in my mid 20's. 

Where did the time go?  It went into living.  It went into loving, producing, learning, stretching, growing, experiencing, yearning, struggling, connecting, weeping, laughing, caring, giving and receiving, healing, helping.  It went into planting, reaping, settling, mourning, celebrating.  It went into watching, listening, talking, dancing, cooking, travelling, embracing, praying, harvesting, teaching, counseling, mothering, partnering.  It went into living through many seasons.....with as much fullness as I could.

All purposeful.

All meaningful.

All seasonal.

All reasonal.

Even developing eye dimples.  

The better to smile at you with my dear. 

hellos, goodbyes and important life lessons

Miss Muskie and her crew of campers, circa 1980 

 I have never been able to encapsulate the intense feelings that accompany an experience of living for an extended period of time amongst a group of people who are all around the same age.  However, when I meet up with someone who has had such an opportunity, there is almost an unspoken smile, a nod and a faraway glimmer in their eyes.  They know.  They know.

For 12 summers during my youth, I spent time immersed in a community that offered this expansive emotional ride.  At age 9, I attended Camp Kawabi for the first time as a camper and fell in love with the place and its energy.  It began as a two week stint, but morphed into one month at age 12, and then the whole summer when I transitioned onto staff when I was 15, continuing until it was time to say goodbye the very last time the summer I turned 21. 

Even though its been more than 25 years since then and many of the events, activities, connections, the late night antics, days off, canoe trips, chapels, campfires, hot summer sunny days and rainy day hikes have blended together, there are moments which are still so crystal clear.   They allow me to revisit a time when I learned how intense a keenly felt sense of belonging can alter how you look at the world and what is really important in life.   Friendship, love, acceptance, trust in others, trust in myself, respect and appreciation for differences, mentoring, supporting one another, helping others .......... all continue to feed my sense of who I am, what I believe in and who I strive to be with confidence.  Most predominantly ensconced however are the feelings which I treasure... ALL of them. 

These are the same emotions and values which we learn from our families as well, but when a person has the chance to step out beyond their own nest into a group and experience the unbelievable joys and sorrows of belonging?  It takes you to a place one can only share with a kindred spirit who has experienced it as well.  Believe me, I've tried to explain this but I've never managed to get it right. 

These thoughts have re-emerged of late as I've done my best to help my children make sense of it.  In the past 5 months, they have experienced this amazing intensity;  last summer for my daughter when she signed on as a Counsellor in Training at Camp Glenburn and more recently for my son, who just returned from a month in Costa Rica with an organization called CISV (Children's International Summer Villages.) Both of them have ventured off our front lawn to live amongst a group of peers, led by trusting people. They have learned many new skills which will come in handy as they grow into adults.  The values we have done our best to pass on to them have been reinforced fully by their experience. And, they have made longlasting heart connection friendships with others who draw upon the same feelings and the same values.  Independently, they both found themselves immersed in a sense of belonging so wondrous that it left them reeling.  

Martha and her Glenburn kindreds, smiles from the inside out

Not wanting the moments to end, they returned home overwrought with the sorrow of saying goodbye to the friends who are like family and goodbye to life altering happenings.  Many stories.  Many questions and new ideas. Big tears.  Big pain.  Big transitions back to the ordinary reality of a home routine and the reconnection to family and friends they had left behind. To say this adjustment is difficult is an understatement.  To say these life lessons are important is also an understatement.  Why?  Because so many internal shifts happen during these opportunities and they happen within a relatively short time frame.  It takes a while to adjust, to refocus, to recognize the personal impact.  It's all positive in the long run, but in the short run, the initial feeling of pulling away from a group your whole spirit was blended into is akin to losing a piece of yourself. I wish everyone could have a chance to go through this ride. 

For some mysterious reason,  I spent their first days home with them alone.   With my daughter, I was the lucky one to pick her up at camp on the last day.  If you've never seen a group of teenage camp counsellors on the morning after the campers have left at the end of the summer, you'd never believe it.  Not only do they look like a train wreck because they haven't really slept much all summer because they've worked their butts off running "the show" caring for the "ankle-biters" and stringing the late nights "hanging out" with their buddies, they have just pulled one last all-nighter as a way to stretch their final moments together.  Believe me, it's brutal!  I've been the sleep deprived counsellor with a mitt full of snotty kleenexes and a heart that feels like its been ripped out.  It is the emptiest bone weary feeling.  Now,  I can say I was the Momma loading the van of half packed bits of summer memories, luring the sobbing daughter to the front seat and then listening through my own tears to the stories and pouring emotions while trying to keep the van on the winding road home. 

My heart broke for her......... the magically lovely summer moments of bonding with kindred spirits was over.  It has changed her in ways she still isn't fully aware of.   It stretched her, comforted her, AND discomforted her.  That's what important learning does.  It offered her a really good taste of independence, of learning how to make decisions, to weigh options, to be herself and to know the unbridled trust you can feel when sharing your deepest secrets with someone who not only "gets you" but accepts you unconditionally.  Those gifts of friendship will forever be quilted to her soul.  I know, because mine still are. And you know what?  I still miss my camp days..... all these years later.  It was that meaningful. The lessons linger...........  The lessons guide me daily.

We talked and talked, just the two of us for a whole day.......... I left her alone when she needed to sift through her memories and I tried to be there for her when she wanted to share a story.  I promised she could have all of her camp friends visit whenever it could be arranged, though I knew it wouldn't be the same.  My empathy was boundless and I knew her transition was going to be a rough ride.  Her friends whom she had left behind at the beginning of the summer couldn't understand her disinterest in coming back to "planet earth...."   It took time........ and a bunch of mini reunions throughout the fall to help her find her footing again while she readjusted to the changes inside herself and to have those leadership value lessons reinforced more fully.

Max in Costa Rica with his arm around his new buddy.....could the smile be any bigger?

My son who is younger than I was to have gone through such an amazing experience......... he's only 12......... also crash landed.  He returned home at the end of January.  His reaction was even more intense because the people he grew close to live in other countries around the world.......... Finland, Sweden, Brazil, England, Costa Rica, Thailand, Guatemala.... this put a whole new spin on it.  

Despite the language differences, and the adjustment to being so darn far away from home, he gathered a whole heart and head full of awareness that he will forever be changed.  Even though the geographical distances are huge and that reality is what hits him the hardest, he is tied to a group of kindreds who also absorbed the same huge lessons ..... global peace, equality, leadership, advocacy, problem solving and many many more.  He has joined a group of multi-cultural kids who have become enlightened while they became friends for life.  

On the day I spent home with my son before he returned to school, we shared tears and talked.   It was probably the most important relationship building day for the two of us.  I shared stories with him that I hadn't before.  He shared stories with me that perhaps he wouldn't have if he thought I wouldn't understand.  Like I did with his sister, I expressed to him how privileged he is to have had the opportunity to feel life as deeply as he has......... AND to know that the friendships he made will always remain with him along with his own learning.  I pointed out that he now has his own group of kindreds he will forever be attached to and that because of his opportunities, he has a responsibility to continue to expand his awareness of the plight of others.  He gets it.  At age 12, he knows that joy is eternally tied with sorrow.......... and all the feelings in between.  

It has been intense, but it has all be very very good. Tonight, I say a prayer of thanks for my own experiences at camp because once again........ they helped me understand what my children were feeling and guide them through big maze of milestones they are coping with in their young lives.  In turn, they have helped me re-evaluate those lessons I gathered up, as well as gave me another glimpse at how important those friendships have been all these years.   

 

Max learning a few new dance moves at a War Child fundraiser on Saturday evening.

having faith in others and in myself...

Communication is layered with our own meaning....our own needs or yearnings. It's easier to assess where the relationship seems to be hovering when you're face to face. You can hear, see, feel, smell, touch, and perceive it. The person is right there in front of you....and even then, we can still walk away with misguided interpretations. However, any other form of communication between two human beings brings with it many more complicated blips. Some are relatively new forms......email, texting, facebooking, twittering....

There is a discomfort felt in the gut when waiting for a response, a reply. You send out a message, a story, a question. You ask for clarification, or reassurance, maybe information. Then, you wait.... and wonder..... and fret. Even when you cognitively and intuitively KNOW that the person you are trying to connect with is dealing with their own set of issues, life conflicts, busyness, there is niggling poke at the fret button. At least there is for me. Maybe I'm overly sensitive? Impatient? Needy? I'd say all three.....

I begin to question myself, my actions, my own frame of mind when there is a long gap between putting yourself out there through your words and receiving some kind of acknowledgement or interpretive response. If I've REALLY pried open my flesh to spill something emotionally intimate and I get nothing back, I begin to feel anxious, wondering if I have done something wrong, or if I've worded something in a way that may have been misinterpreted. Depending on how I'm feeling and where I am at emotionally and confidently, this type of "stinking thinking" can sink my boat. I may have started off in a free flying craft with the sails up catching the gusts and skipping right along, but if I'm ignored, put aside, dismissed the boat all of a sudden starts taking in water. The wind dies down and I begin to sink into the stinking thinking mode of travel like a castaway alone and bobbing in unfriendly waters.

Irrational thoughts lead to irrational emotions ..... which in turn leads to irrational actions/reactions. Actually, I think it is more a vicious circle which can begin at any point. My mood could be despondent and it will in turn lead to an impulsive action to satisfy me temporarily which then leads to feeling guilt and shame from the thoughts that follow the action. If I happen to be caught in that dog chasing performance, it's difficult to pull out of it before it's too late.

Maybe its because I have a big problem with rejection. I guess its happened one too many times and as much as I try not to let it shade my thinking and feeling, I'm not often competent at that. It seems like it's always there, hovering in the foreground. When I find myself in the middle of another possible situation where this may be occuring, I try to see it as an opportunity to reflect on the refreshed irritation in order to learn how effectively let go of the stupid thoughts and hurt feelings. That way, I can try to step aside from my vantage point to read my own flushed and feather ruffled feelings. Then, I try to explore my own behaviour and actions that seems illicit a non response (and a strong desire to receive one).

It's a value thing too....I try not to do this to others because I find it so disrespectful, so when it happens to me, it rubs against this value button.

Rejection and that sickly sense of abandonment....the fear of being left out or left behind has a strong pull on many of us. It's an ingrained schema we have to fight tooth and nail to overcome. It kicks the gut until it empties, leaving you feel hollow and unloved. Where it comes from is unique to the individual it wants to strangle. But, I have grown to believe that we ALL experience it, some more intensely than others, at some point in our lives.

Have you felt the hollow??? How have you dealt with it??

I have a tendancy to stick my neck out more often than many I think. I do take risks and connect with many people, whether its a brief conversation with the muffin lady at the local convenience store, or someone in my life whom I consider a close friend. Consequently there are more chances for me to be in a position of being rejected....dismissed.... ignored.

For the most part I can walk away and move on. But not when I'm feeling it within a relationship which has deep meaning in my life. Then, if I'm not careful, it can pierce me deeply. This is something I've learned about myself only this year, and when the realization hit me....when those light bulbs went off, I literally doubled over. Why? Because once I knew that the trigger was a fear of rejection, all the times it had happened, particularly over the course of the last 10 years, went flooding through my system and knocked the wind out of me.

Viktor Frankl wrote.....“When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves.” I read this quote the other day and just shook my head. So often, I have tried to change a situation through my actions, thinking that if I kept trying to connect, maybe the situation would right itself. When I read this Frankl quote, my initial reaction was a realization that this is where I am stalled in the challenge of changing myself. Knowing that my behaviour....my need to connect with a few people whom I seem to be slipping away from may be perceived differently than my intention tells me I need to change me. I need to recognize my own triggers, my own emotions, thinking, actions and then perhaps let it be.

I tend to read things into things......I get paid for my intuition and assessment skills. They come naturally to me. But, sometimes they go into overdrive. I read too much into things and then get too emotionally incensed. A lot of times, I'm right. I'm kind of like one of those sniffer dogs at an accident scene. I usually smell it right. Sometimes I'm wrong however, usually when I'm overly anxious to make a friendship work, or overly needy of reassurance.

Right now, that's me. Perhaps in the future it won't be? I won't feel the need to seek out affirmation? I hope so. It would be nice to relax a bit more about the lack of response.

In the meantime..... bear with me. I'm doing the best that I can to pry myself away from stinking thinking......

ps. Ironically, this was not written with the intentions of seeking out empathy. I have found the whole process of learning how to be more confidently patient, to trust a Higher Power when it comes to realizing I can only control my own actions, thoughts and emotions and HOW I react to others' behaviour....interesting and eye opening. It's a universal process I believe .... one which has become more complicated as we have allowed technology and different means of communication into our daily interactions.

off on an adventure.....transitions in the making

After spending the week hanging out with her close friends, saying good bye to some who were taking off to do amazing things for the summer, and attending a party in her honour because she too was about to embark on an amazing summer, my daughter arrived home exhausted and contented. She summed it up beautifully by saying ....."I'm in such a good place with all of my friends. I'm ready now." In order to be ready for this next big step in her life, Martha instinctively knew what she needed to do. I could see it in her face. I heard it in her voice. Her words spoke volumes. She was ready.

Half way through last week, I wondered if she was having second thoughts about spending the summer away from home at a children's camp in a counsellor in training program. But, I could see the frenzy in her actions to arrange her week around the important friends in her life.....to be there to say goodbye to them as they ventured off and to say goodbye for her own sake. And it worked. Yesterday, we packed the van with an enormous amount of "stuff," stopped at the Blue Canoe restaurant for a big scarf of a breakfast and dropped her off at her summer home away from home.....Camp.

We stayed for a short time.....got her settled a little bit in a big cabin she will be sharing with 8 other girls the same age, and then wandered around the grounds of the camp as she moved into the group of new staffers. There was an immediate sense of belonging, as many of them were campers together over the past couple of years. There was also a sense of unease....a bit of discomfort, wondering what to say, what to expect......how it would all unfold.....the new kids standing back from the core group because they are so much more tentative. I watched, standing off the to side where I wouldn't be seen, knowing the butterfly feelings strumming in the bellies intimately. Long ago, I had been there too. First day of camp has that effect.

The day before, my daughter and I had talked on and off as she packed. I tried to hold back on sharing my own memories, and I tried not to give too many "words of advice....." which I'm apt to do. She knows most of my camp stories...... is aware that I'm still in touch with several camp kindreds. So, I didn't feel the need to rehash my stuff. I was just so pleased and excited for her and could see that as much as I wanted this opportunity for Martha, I felt at ease that she had made this decision on her own....that this is something she wanted for herself and hadn't made the decision to be a camp counsellor to please me. I listened to the stories of her previous week .... the ones she wanted to share with me, and I could see a really happy beautiful girl standing in front of me whom I thoroughly enjoy spending time with.

What I did decide to offer to the conversation? How exciting and profound her friendships with her peers will become through all the sharing and "new" adventures. I also told her that there will be times when you know instinctively you have touched a child in a profound way and it feels terrific, but that there will be even more kids whom you will never know about. They won't tell you....or they won't even know it until later in life, but that something you've done.... a kind gesture, a slow down listening moment....a memorable moment sitting around a campfire....recognizing their homesickness when words aren't spoken. You just never know...... but the more you interact with others.... all ages, the more you learn about your own gifts and your own self and the more of an impact you will make in the lives of others. It goes hand in hand.

While I watched the new staffers interacting for the first time as a group, I also couldn't help but think of how far my daughter has moved away from holding on tight to me. Painfully shy and unsure as a little one, I literally had to carry her into the kindergarten class. She would pout every time I left her, even if her father and brother were around. To say it felt claustrophobic is an understatement. It was difficult and I didn't know how to deal with it most of the time. Her first couple of attempts at spending a week at a camp were disasters. In fact, i had to go get her halfway through one stint because she wasn't able to calm herself down at night to go to sleep.

Determined to overcome this, and the shy girl label hovering over her head, she quietly made a concerted effort once she hit middle school when she was 11 years old. She joined a leadership program, took to the stage, sought out new friends who had common interests and began to blossom. It wasn't until months after school had started that year, that she shared her "plan" with her Dad and I. By then, her confidence was lifting and it was of her own making. Every year since then, our daughter has shown her beautiful true colours to more than just her immediate family.

This transition towards more independence ...... one Martha has chosen herself and one she has worked really hard to be as prepared as one can be on the cusp of being 16...... is symbolic on so many levels. We see it and applaud. We are tremendously proud of her; of how she composes herself, of how she intuitively can "read" others, of how kind and considerate she is when she calls us to let us know where she is and what she's up to ...... knows no boundaries. No doubt there will be stumbles and tears. No doubt there will be major frustrations and heartbreak. No doubt there will be even bigger joyful transitions in Martha's life. Who knows what the future holds? We can't predict and we sure as heck can't control it. All we can do is stop and recognize life events as they come and savour them as they evolve. Yesterday, I stood and watched and savoured how much I love her.

As much as we are missing her and will continue to feel her absence so much this summer, we all know Martha is where she wants to be. And because of that, I can honestly state "I'm ready."

I think.....

solid ground....

We tend to see depression as the enemy assaulting us by trying to crush our spirit. Is it the enemy or it is rather a friend whose strength is trying to push us down onto the ground where we are safe to learn to stand again? There is no more safer place to be than on the ground, laying low forced to recognize the bare truths of our own nature.

Our nature with nature, felt again on solid ground.

We are programmed, however to see depression as evil and demonic....an enemy living in a place where our own minds turn against us, rather than as an honest friend guiding us to a place where we can learn to heal. We come from the ground, can we not go there to find our way again?

Our churning thoughts fight depression through intellectual struggles, theories, reasoning..... trying to unlock the key to the mystery behind our perceived falsehoods....what we believe others see in ourselves. The battle of who I am versus who I ought to be. Could it be that we are so busy battling the enemy we can't hear the voice of our own life speaking? How can you hear "I love you" when the intellectual battle is raging in deafening silence?

Our egos slash away outwardly at depression through denial, anger, entitlement that it can't happen to us....but mostly its a protection from the fear of someone recognizing our incompetencies, our lies. The winning ego believes it has to keep up the persona rather than plunge into the frightening darkness of the unknown even if there is a slight chance that peace could dwell there. We focus on our limits rather than recognize and acknowledge our gifts..... the gifts we were born with....the gifts which harbour our authentic voice.

Depression as a friend? It can be the ultimate in disconnection, but it doesn't have to be. Could we not allow this friend to help scrape away the plaster molding of the masks to reveal what Thomas Merton refers to as our "true self?" If the ego self inflates, and the intellectual self tries to clobber depression with theories, and the ethical self berates it unforgivingly....how can we ever scale it down to what is real?? True Self...bare naked, vulnerable, beautiful, imperfect, real and wrinkled!!! No falsehoods there..... I wonder if depression sometimes is the hand of our true self, pushing us down to the ground where it is safe to learn to stand again....to a place that smells, looks, feels, tastes and sounds real. Earth.


Paul Tillich described God as the ground of being. I like that description and it makes me think......maybe depression offers us an introduction to God? Maybe He's down on his knees sowing seeds into the ground and would like some company? Maybe if we meet him on our knees He will help us learn to grow inward and downward as a means of living rather than outward and upward?

And maybe, just maybe Heaven is found in the hallowed ground beneath our feet.

for or against the flow....

Fairness....the word which floats up from the cosmos of my brain this morning. It's one of those concepts which seem to have as many definitions and interpretations as there are people. Or maybe the way its definition is shrouded by one's view of the concept of democracy, or what is considered correct and just. Fairness encompasses justice, integrity, decorum, balance, equality. It seems so straightforward when one simply skims the surface of it. Ah, but it's certainly NOT. We may all strive to accomodate the other meanings, the other layers of what constitutes fairness. Our way of perceiving it is seen through a prism of our own heartfelt emotions, our values and our logic. My logic may look very different than your logic. My logic has a tinge of blue and a smattering of red in it. What colour is yours?

Fairness means that a process is considered soley collaborative. Competition is not in the picture. Or maybe there is fairness within the realm of competition? I mean, someone has to win and someone has to lose in a game and we accept that as fair. But, I can't help but scoff at the times when one starts out in a competition with governing rules about who wins and who loses and then in the middle of the game, the rules change. Is that fair?

Is democracy competitive? Of course it is. Is it fair? hmmmm......On the level headed idealistic thin skinned surface it is, though I don't believe most democratic processes are purely and honestly played out. Strategies and behind the scenes political maneouvering are the norm, some more subtle than others. But, we plebians will never know the kitchen table talk that truly goes on during the course of a hard fought battle for leadership unless we are invited to the table. The way our systems are set up, its obvious the power of a few override the power of the masses. We are fed what they want to feed us in whatever packaging they feel will sell.

We can easily slip into the thinking that there is constant tyranny of the majority, and sometimes there is, but there comes a point when we have to grab hold of something solid and take a leap of faith. The problem is sometimes its damn difficult to figure out when we let something slide and when its time to stand up to the majority. It's mucky when the majority is a veiled version of democracy.......

Or maybe it isn't difficult for you. to figure it out. Maybe you have a clear picture in your head and heart of what is right and wrong....of what you will stand up for and against which drives your actions and in turn drives the decisions you make in your life? That's fair and good on ya if you're clear on this. Most days, I'm jumping back and forth on an issue trying to see the reasoning....

Well, there are some heavy duty deal breakers in my mind....equality, honesty, safety, respect, dignity..... if someone is living under the cloud of terror, whether it is a domestic abuse situation or it is under the constant threat on their lives, where power dictates from a place of hatred and greed, I'm triggered. If there is a brutal bully involved, be it on the local or global playground, fairness becomes a clearcut black and white issue for me as it is most likely for you. HOW it is handled may be different, and this is where fairness gets all cloudy in my mind.

Do you think my definiton of fairness simply comes down to recognizing that my interpretation of "an eye for an eye" is different than someone elses?

And then there is the whole side of this longwinded thought.....will i just think about what is and isn't FAIR and ruminate on it until the cows come home? Will I bark out my opinions and bellow at the moon over the unfairness of whatever event/situation/issue turns my cranky crank? OR will I step up to the plate and ACT? Am I a victim or am I a player? Will I sit on the sidelines cheering or booing or will I take the leap out of the stand, grab the ball and run??? What sparks my butt to get up and take it on?? And if I do take it on, can I be fairminded enough to see the underlying manifestations of someone else's motivation? Fairness is a compromising balance of striving for reconciliation isn't it?

Whether I decide to step up to the trough without thinking about what's for dinner, that's my individual choice to make. However, if I want to be "in the game..."..... if I want to "play...." I have to be cognizant of the fact that all is never what it appears to be and in accepting that, I have to figure out which hills we fight over or we'll spread ourselves too thin. Too thin and my anorexic approach to tackling something meaningful to me is useless. I wouldn't have the strenth to stand up to what I honestly believe is right or wrong, immoral, unethical, promising, hopeful, inhumane, evil if we aren't aware of the issues and how they impact our values. And, if I'm aren't aware of our values, I am soaked in a brine that leaves life limp and salty. Who the heck wants limp and salty?

Sometimes I read something on a blog and it broadens my thinking on a subject which may be burning a hole right through the heart of the author and perhaps I havent really put my time or energy into understanding the issue....or I had been locked in my own opinion. This happens most often when I read a piece where the owner of the opinion has taken the time to lay out their argument in their own words using their own passion. I may not agree with their "take" on an issue, but I can at least appreciate their candor.

Its easy to pluck a news story or a video and paste it on ones blogsite disguised as a personal post. I tend to avoid those heavy handed political blathering blogs. They aren't interested in discourse with anyone who may question their stance. Their opinion on fairness is clearly drawn in the dirt with the message that their way or the highway is the only way. Don't see it their way, you suck, you're wrong and you don't count. See it their way and you can join the circle jerk. Yes, I avoid those barking blogs because whatever argument comes to the forefront is smattered with personal "your mother wears army boots," jibes. Who needs to spend time with someone even if its in cyber land who simply is looking for a cheap fight?? I see no fairness or equity in that approach. It just reeks of bad breath.

In all that is fair....? They choose to use their cyber-platform as they wish. I choose to move on. It's the same as the choices I make with respect to my overall learning. Important to note on many levels, because what i choose to learn is smothered by my interests, my life situation, my values, my upbringing, opportunities, access....etc, etc.....

So we pick and choose our "battles" based on our passions and personal experiences, sometimes clouding our ability to see how another is perceiving the fairness of situation or at the governmental level, of how a direction was decided upon. It's the same at the street level where decisions are made that impact us personally. Fair? Democratic? Am I right and you're wrong? Are you right and I'm wrong? Is fairness ever monochromatic? It really gets bogged down into the paralyzing core of political correctness doesn't it?

Am I confusing the hell out of you, as I am myself?? Is it even fair to ask these questions? Sorry, I have been in the car a heck of a lot this week and consequently the convoluted permutations and vascillations have wreaked havoc..... eeek!

Fairness......its a fundamental concept we try to teach our children at a very young age, often starting out as measured equality and broadening out with parameters and rules to guide it. It's a concept we continue to struggle with through the prism of our moral reasoning which is layered by how we learn how to see the world, what we hold dear to our ethical fabric, what is impacted us personally, and what we have learned. Fairness is the underpinning of our values. It is what gets our blood and juices flowing. It is an everchanging kaleidescope impacted by the experiences we step out and into, by what we feed it through our learning. It is as complicated to figure out as it is simple to establish. It drives our notions of democracy and has the capacity to allow us to walk a mile in someone elses shoes....... OR it can be a deal breaker in the eyes of someone who is not willing to focus beyond their line in the dirt.

gee, and to think this little word....this little concept came to mind when I was trying to figure out if it was fair that I didn't get that job...... hmmmm, that's a bit of confessional self absorption isn't it? ....... I guess when I try to look at it from another side, it was fair in someone's eyes. :) And if I look at it another way, the experience left me with much to think about. that's a fair trade i guess. ;)

games people play.....

Been stroked lately? We all crave them you know....the good, the bad and the lovely strokes. If we feel depleted of the nourishment we receive from being stroked, we will seek them out voraciously. It doesn't matter if they are loving or hurtful, our needs will override our logic. Hunger for love and affirmation is universally craved.....it is the key to what we all have in common. We all need to be stroked. Our thirsts need quenching.

Recognized

Affirmed

Emotionally touched by others

Loved

Stroked through our interactions.

Recently, I've spent some time re-acquainting myself with the need for global open heart surgery......an offshoot from my more academic readings while considering the approach I want to take for a counselling course I will be teaching next fall. Consequently, I've been spending some time with Eric Berne's concepts behind Transactual Analysis. (Parent/Adult/Child, Ego States, Strokes, Scripts, Interactions, Games People Play.....I'm Ok, You're Ok). In order to take my own learning to a deeper level....to the place where I am in my life right now, I have been evaluating it through my own life lens.....through the experiences I am involved in, which includes the counselling work I do, the stories and the issues I am privy to, but also the experience of my own life and interactions. It is what makes learning so compelling. It has to make sense through our own life lens. If it can't be applied, it ain't worth learning.....this is the number one rule in Adult learning. :)

So, where am I? Oh.....Games People Play.....stroking.


"However good or bad you feel about your relationship, the person you are with at this moment is the "right" person, because he or she is a mirror of who you are inside." This Deepak Chropra quote was sent to me from a friend who asked me to explain it.... Hey beautiful friend??? How am I doing here? Have I confused you even more, or does it make sense??(oh, that was a stroke request wasn't it?) Ok....let's continue inside my confusion shall we?? :)

Our relationships reflect to us what we need.....? It seems to me that we are all trying to survive as stroke depleted victims and in so doing we continue to reach out for any kind of affirmation even if it is harmful or emotionally destructive. I will even say that our way of giving and receiving strokes has been impacted severely by the fact that we seem to have an unquenchable thirst.......or perhaps our cups have holes in them from past hurts and neglectful/harmful past and present relationships and the golden nectar we collect constantly seeps out. The types of relationships we try to form often reflect the need inside of ourselves.....if we haven't dealt with our own "holes" our own "wounds" ..... if we don't recognize them, name them, heal them then we will seek out relationships for the salve we so desperately crave.


Its a vicious cycle we are in as we continue to seek out strokes....by any means, unaware of the fact that our vessels have big weepy holes in them. How do we plug up the holes? How do we heal the wounds left from the games and roles we played in the past in order to learn how to give and receive healthy strokes? The first step is to recognize this in ourselves. We've got to wake up and SEE the holes! You can't fix something broken if you don't know what it is! Then, you can focus your attention on it...... It's like understanding the goal behind the behaviour. There's nothing worse than realizing you have been used as a pawn in a game you weren't given the rules for. And the only thing you can do is to change the script....to recognize that you yourself got into the relationship to fulfill your own needs too.

There's ALWAYS a reason behind why we act the way we do. Our actions are not solo flying....they are TIED to our emotional and cognitive stirrings! Our actions may be the kite seen in the air doing tricks, but it can only do so because it has a tail AND it has a string attached to someone standing on the ground! AND it's sharing the sky with a bunch of other kites with their own strings, and their own multi-coloured tails.

We need to ask......

Why does someone act that way?

Why does a child misbehave?

What is the goal behind the action???? It's all in the need to be recognized, seen, heard, loved.....are these not the goals behind the majority of our actions?

Maslow postulated that we have three basic survival needs we have to fufill in order to survive...we all need food, water and air to breath. We need to recognize one more fundamental need and that is love. We will go to any lengths to satisfy that need. We'll even try to fly a dozen kites at the same time if it means that we will eventually receive the strokes we so sorely need.

This to me seems to be the key to helping someone (and ourselves) recognize the feelings which manifest the motivation for the transactions we seek out. We gotta know the dance steps..........and we may have to alter them in order to alter the interaction with another. If we are caught in a script.....you know one where how we act and what is expected of us detrimentally plays on over and over and over again, only to try to fulfill our desire and need to be stroked, how do we learn to recognize the fact that this may in fact BE the reason for some of the holes in our cups.

It all gets ravelled up doesnt it? We are complicated beings when it comes to relationships aren't we? Man, the games we play just to get a few strokes!! We form friendships which on the surface the interactions appear to be healthy and positive only to find out there is an underlying motive, an underlying script playing out. It is a frustrating and sometimes heart wrenching story.......we've all been there. We've all experienced a friendship which has very different motives than what we were open to see and feel. WHY does this happen? Because we are trying to fulfill our own needs which sometimes can blind us from what is really happening. Its like looking through a fogged up mirror.

We are all in need of open heart surgery. WE could all benefit from a course in emotional literacy.....to learn to READ our own emotions as well as others as part of understanding the script in the drama we call life. Maybe life is the ulimate course... maybe its the only way to learn how to read emotions....ours and others. It really isn't something you can glean from a textbook is it? Learning about love in all its colour must be experienced, not read about. But HOLY, sometimes its a rough ride isn't it? Life is a rough and tumble ride.....

I think I'll be revisiting this again...... I'm OK.....I think......are you OK?

soaked in the haunts of ancient peace

I've always had a difficult time with the word salvation. To me, it creaks with judgement and reform. It hails a heavy handed demand especially if its bellowed out in exagerated pronouncements by a preacher overwrought with a twisted sense of entitlement. Do I really want to put myself in the hands of someone else who clearly feels it's their responsibility to save me from myself? What is that all about? They may see it as their vocation....to rescue us little sinners before its too late.....but I see it as an invasion of the body snatchers.

See? I don't really like the word and what it stands for. I'd rather walk away from a dose of body dunking salvation and risk the temptations of life's sins. I figure we can learn much about ourselves and others when we recognize we all like a little bit of sinnin' every once in a while. Mistakes and hard road learning bring voice to our otherwise rigidly confinings....I mean isn't it when we listen to that little "Id" in our heads that we push the boundaries....that we make headway into unchartered territory?

Obviously I'm not referring to the evil side of sinning....the killing, maiming, making others suffer through physical or emotional abuse or acting without thinking of the harmfulness on others. No, I'm simply referring to being bad. What would our lives be like if we weren't bad every now and then? I don't think we'd ever understand the depth of goodness. And what about kindness? What about love, forgiveness, empathy, trust? Would we really be able to internalize and apply these emotionally driven acts in our relationships if we didn't know the other side of the coin? I don't believe so. Suffering through the struggle....through the life lessons of knocks and gut kicks leave us with enlightened insights.

Sallllvaaaaaaaaaashshshshuuuuun ........... Oooooooweeee, isn't that a shivery sound? It turns me right off.

You know, after having thought about this word for a while...really putting some of my brain juices into action saying this word over and over in my head, I kind of think it may have been given a bum rap ... No doubt tele-vangelists and zealous leaders of church communities hungry for power and their ilk have overused this word and taken advantage of it too many times, maybe salvation can be seen with new eyes. Could it be that the whole process of salvation from sin allows us to find peace of mind? Maybe salvation holds the ingredients to finding and sustaining self affirming calm.

What if we took it on ourselves? What if we were able to work on our own salvation? Or maybe it's what we strive to do everyday as a means to seek repose. We work on this personal salvation project and continue to jump, skip, hop, crawl, dance, twirl, walk and run along the chosen roads in search of one thing....peace of mind. Most days, peace is as elusive as a whisper caught in the throngs of a crowded market place. Some days, it stares at us with a soul satisfying sigh.

Then there are moments of tenderness when serenity settles in the comfortable arrival at a place that feels like home. In order to get there though, we've got to drive through some pretty nasty unveiling of shame-filled secrets, recognizing our own faults and bad choices and somehow forgiving ourselves. And the only way I can think of to do this is to sit inside the shadow of a prayer every once in a while. Its where the chattering discord eventually halts and the inner storm retreats. I think.

dark thinking

Obsessions can sometimes be healthy motivators, especially in the field of creative ingenuity. Given that the majority of us lemmings aren't that bright and wont be inventing the next "must have" that is going to shock and rock the world, I'd say that obsessions generally are significantly seen as irritating behaviours which hide personal wounds we want to keep hidden from ourselves and others. We become fixated on someone or something to a point where compulsion replaces normalcy. Rarely can we hold onto an obsession and an awareness of it at the same time. The projected shadow cloaks the door to insight.

Someone once said that we are our own worst enemies and that for the most part we need to get out of our own way in order to be able to see ourselves as we are and as others see us. But when it's a avoidance tactic used to keep us in the dark, we hold onto the actions which allow us to stay in our own way as long as we can. We rationalize things. For example..........an obsessive who is trying to avoid their own stuff may rationalize their behaviour by jusitifying........."I am doing this to help someone." Meanwhile, the person has made it perfectly clear that they don't want your help, don't want your attention.............want space. It's easier to "help" someone than help ourselves. We're weird that way.

Obsessions imprison their victims by manipulating the thought process into an anxious babble of behaviour that can't be silenced. We all suffer from some form of it sometime in our lives. It is a way to imprison our thoughts in order to avoid ourselves. It is a way, albeit not usually productive, of seeking a sense of empowering control we feel is lacking. It is a way we use to get in the way of ourselves.

William Glasser, guru of Choice theory and Reality therapy, believes we all have five basic needs in our lives. They are: Survival, Love and Belonging, Empowerment/Control, Freedom and Fun. According to Glasser, all of our behaviour, all of our actions are our best attempt at fulfilling one of our basic needs. Given that our thoughts and feelings feed one another and in turn impact our actions as well as our physiology and visa versa, this theory of his makes sense to me. My "survival" needs may not be as intense as someone elses.

My need to find a sense of love and belonging may take precedence in my life as opposed to YOUR need for freedom. they differ in intensity, but they are the same. What is different and what makes the needs look different is the colour and contour of the lens I am looking through. My perception is fed by personal events, learning, growth, my living situation, my personality.....anything and everything which has been poured into the concept of self. According to Glasser, if there is a sense of something lacking, I will do my best to fulfill it even with behaviour that is self harming.

So, how does one pull out of an obsession? How does one alleviate the ache produced by an unfulfilled need when the dark thinking permeates the spirit and chokes the light? How does one change the light bulb?

ego, definitions and sticky labels

We are what we believe we are

C.S. Lewis

There is a real eagerness as well as pressure from ourselves and others to grab hold of a label or two as a means to define oneself and then to try our very best to stay within the parameters of those darn labels. It makes it easier to "understand" ourselves and others if we know that perhaps we have some of the same stickers on our foreheads or that perhaps our most visible labels are widely different. We THINK we know how to handle the other person. We BELIEVE we know what is expected of ourselves. Then we become walking, talking, thinking, feeling, doing self-fulfilling prophesies don't we? I give you what you want......you give me what I want and we leave it at that.

Spontaneity and authenticity not to mention genuineness only amount to fleeting concepts in this kind of awareness encounter. It seems to me that when this occurs, especially in a long term more meaningful relationship with someone, it marks the beginning of the end especially if the labels are negatively perceived or even perceived as having an expiry date. If there is no growth, no ongoing transformation recognized, we grow weary. Judgement, accusations, criticism festers under these circumstances. If we are expected "to be" one thing and we don't provide this, or we provide it in a different capacity than what is expected, we are dismissed, passed up, ignored. We don't fit the little box they have put us in.


Labels and defining ourselves is more pervasive than just scratching the surface because they impact our feelings and how we act. What we think about ourselves, how we perceive it is all tied in with the judgement of ourselves and from others. We can get holy wrapped in this cellophane, stamped with an expiry date because what happens is that there doesn't seem to be any new growth. We can't see it in ourselves, or worse we stop trying to evolve through personal learning, and others only see us as as a piece of driftwood rather than a living tree. Growth is life. You stop growing, you stop living. Might as well be a shell of your own existance.


We are like sponges soaking in other's perceptions of who we are, what we represent, where we fit in the greater scheme of things, and what makes us tick. Though I believe we are all born with certain gifts which if we are lucky match our personalities and the careers somehow float down into, we are more than what we do for a living, or do as human beings. However, some of our "labels" are deeply imbedded and they do impact the vibes we send out to the world and what we have to offer to others. Though they change shape by the opportunities we seek out to offer them up, they are honed by the amount of use they get and the amount of awareness one has of these particular label gifts.



So much of what we read and see these days on television encourages us to strip away all of our labels because they represent what is termed "ego," and portend to be in the way of ourselves "be"-coming more compassionate for others and for ourselves. Our egos act as hard shells that encase the way we see the world, and the way we see ourselves in the world and they are fed by the labels we stick on your foreheads and parade around. We are encouraged to speak the words "I am" and not add a descriptive to the end of the two words because it allows us to delve deeper into a spiritual core which emanates within us rather than skim our external surfaces to find meaning.

Don't you find it all so confusing?? I mean on one hand, definitions seem to be what people expect and on the other hand we are told that we minimalize ourselves, we compartmentalize ourselves and our way of looking at the world if we use labels.



I am.

I am.

I am.

I am what? Some floating unanchored being?

I dont know if I would ever be able to do this consistently, and I don't know if I want to. The very idea makes me light headed, like I've lost my footing as well as the oxygen to breathe. Having no focal point to describe myself dislodges the anchor that keeps me from floating away. Maybe I'm just too conditioned to strip away "ego." Maybe I am not quite a believer, but it seems to me that this ego offers anchoring balance and perspective, and yet I know that for much of my adulthood I have been involved in a dance of trying to figure out who I am through what i do. I always figured that if I could figure it out perhaps I would find that sense of inner settling I long for. Now, it seems I've gone about it all wrong.


What I do is not who I am. I am not what I do. I guess. Heck, who the hell knows anymore??

It's all so daunting to rip the labels off the forehead and wander nakedly amongst the ether of spiritual awakening! Can I just hold onto a few of those labels? Or maybe I could simply define myself as a human being who just happens to love counselling and teaching? Can I just have one day when I can call myself a writer? I won't burn in hell for doing that now would I? My ego and me have been friends for a while. It's hard to say goodbye to him.

Funny that i see my ego attached to something masculine. It does seem like a boy word. hmmm........

air awareness.........

There's an hilarious scene in Fawlty Towers when Manuel is underneath the counter in the hotel lobby. The old Colonel comes into the lobby only to find a moosehead staring at him. Manuel begins talking and the Colonel who can't see him, replies to the assumed talking moose.......commenting to it that it can speak English well.........Manuel replies......."Yes, I know English. I learned it from a boooooooooook."

Good to know moose can learn the English language from a boooooooook.

If I was to describe my cooking prowess, I would say I'm a slapdash kind of kitchen princess. Though I enjoy reading cookbooks and new recipes for ideas, I rarely go by the full recipe, unless of course it's when I'm making jam or baking. Then, I know I can't mess around with the details. I've learned that the hard way. However, all other dishes are "miss muskiefied".....a few extra spices, an elimination of certain items.........mad dashes, sponteneous stirrings. I've never been one to follow the rules.....

I can learn some things from a book, but the offbeat rule breaking me tends to go off the batter beater path....... I'll read about a new way of doing something, or looking at the world.........I'll find myself lost in a beautiful poem, my eye will catch on a phrase that sticks to my inner teflon.......I can learn new theories, information, techniques.......but when it comes to really learning, it has to be absorbed, synthesized and put into my own words. It has to be tried and applied.

Most important things you can't learn from a book anyways.....

like love.

like loving.

like what its like to be in love.

like what its like to feel loved.

like the pain of love.

Do you remember when big love zoomed into your life like a bolt out of the blue, bringing with it the big night sky fireworks of possibility? Kaboom! Zip! Zing! The sky fills with showering outbursts of light and colour. LOVE. When it happens in all it's glory, it hits you right in the sweet spot, where destiny awaits to be discovered. Sleep alludes you. It's like you were injected with effervescence that opens up your eyes, opens up yourself to wild bubbly gulps of champagne. The best champagne.

Maybe the way I see and feel it is very different than you?

You can't learn that from a book. Its not academic.........it's not cerebral. Its a rolling thunder of yearnings and desires unique to each of us. It's a give and take onslaught of personal wants and needs. How can you really understand it simply from reading about it? How can you really get over it either by reading it in a book? And yet, the self help industry flourishes...........and feeds our quest for awareness and understanding. I may be able to learn how to make gazpacho, or some fancy schmancy dessert by scouring the pages of the Joy of Cooking......, but when it comes to the recipe for living? When it comes to seeking answers about the important things in life?

You gotta live it..................do it, be it, feel it.............and figure it out......a nose in a book trying to memorize the steps of life and love? You can swallow the essence of the idea, the poem, the feeling that you're not alone in this vast and magnificent world........but it always comes down to kneeling to the beauty of a feeling heart.

My kitchen time when I'm messing with the spices and ingredients, is when I feel comfortable letting my thoughts and feelings flow. But, by far my favourite place to reflect, to plan, and to feel is sitting on a dock (or a beach) dangling my feet in the water and listening to the grace-full sounds of life around me, inhaling the simmering spices of the spirit and learning to understand how to breathe again. One invisible breath at a time. Because, it is in the air we breathe where we find our own unique recipes for all the big things in life which are not found in a boooooook.

ps. the essence of this post was found in the spiritual wisdom gracenotes of John O'Donahue's anam cara.......i highly recommend it. :)

A bittersweet day.

Today, a group of kids celebrated the end of their wonderful year with a marvellous teacher. This morning, along with their parents and family members, they all congregated in the school gym to receive a certificate and present from their teacher and to watch a montage DVD show, pulled together by their fearless leader, which captured snippets of their life at Garden Creek School........baby photos which they had brought in, kindergarten shots and then a whole collage of their Grade 5 year. During the ceremony, each child's name was announced as they proceeded onto the stage to receive their certificate from their teacher. What was the most moving of all was when a child known for his rambunctious energy and unrulyness wrapped his arms around his favourite teacher and gave him the most heartfelt hug in front of 100 onlookers. One after another, children hugged him until tears were rolling down many faces.

One little guy bounced up the stairs and literally flew up into his arms........

Another boy, the biggest kid in the class who deals with big things at home, who is sometimes known to be a bully on the playground stood in front of his mentor, opened up his arms and gave him the biggest bearhug of all. He didn't want to let go.

Tonight, one of the parents arranged for the lodge at O'Dell Park to celebrate over pizza and some games. An hour and a half before the party was to begin, Mr. Slack and 9 of his students met to bike throughout the paths together. All keen to squeeze as many drops of time with this man. Afterwards, water fights and balloon popping games carried them into the early evening. As an onlooker, it was so obvious to see how much this whole class has benefited from his guidance, and his love of what he does so well.

It has been a bittersweet day. They have had a blast....even spent the afternoon in their classroom turning the smart board system into a guitar hero competition. After a long and very fruitful year of learning, where enrichment and extra curriculars were implemented along with the regular curriculum, it was time to close the formal learning books and enjoy each others company as most of them have since they began Kindergarten. Many of them have been together since then. They are a tight knit group of great kids who all have bounced out of their homes every single morning since September eager to learn together. Amazing.

A few captured photos...........of their last full day together. This last one is of my son Max and beautiful Abby, his friend and archrival both scholastically and in the gym playing indoor soccer. They have challenged one another in many ways since they began school together in Kindergarten. All healthy good stretching..........and collaborations.

I have much to say about my own feelings of this small milestone as it is our last week having a daily connection with this wonderful place, but will save it for another day. It's my son's day to shine.........and to know the joy of belonging to a group of peers he will continue to grow up with. Unconditionally......