emotional manipulation revisited

This is a long post, but hopefully you will find a few gems in it that may help you.  I know it's helped me understand it more deeply as I've written it....... put it aside, and then returned to it again and again.  

 I've been plugging away at it one and off for a year!  Why?  Well, of all of the topics I've posted on this blog, the one piece that is "googled" the most  (at least 4-5 times daily!) was one I wrote about over two years ago.  I continue to receive emails and comments from people all over the world who are trying to find the answers to dealing with an Emotional Manipulator in their lives.......... whether its a friend, a lover, a partner, a family member...... they are seeking out answers, looking for some understanding as to what is happening in their lives.  It is a messy topic....... one that comes from the dark side of us.  We can all relate.

We can all manipulate.  We all have this skill in us.  However, there are human beings out there, who are masters of this way of being.  For whatever reason, their lives and their internal wiring lead them into interacting with others using games and mind benders.  To me, they are one of the most difficult individuals to help.  Their needs are bottomless.  Their tactics are so hurtful.  Their ability to take ownership of their behaviour is flawed because more times than not, they don't believe there is a darn thing wrong with them.  It's the rest of the world that is messed up..........

This post is written based on my own experiences, observations, and studies.  I believe self awareness as well as the awareness of the symptoms and sickness is our best attempt as looking after ourselves.  

My first experience happened with a first boyfriend....... age 16.  He had unrelenting anxiety issues and became so ill he couldn't attend school.  I juggled both his homework and my own, trying to be helpful.  He would respond by telling me that if I broke up with him, he would kill himself.  This is where my first learning took place.  I continued on in that toxic relationship for an extra year out of fear.   No one has the right to put their life in your lap!  Oh guess what?  He lived! And every now and then, I receive an email from him at 3 am.  Out of the blue.  My stomach does backflips all these years later when I see his name in my in-box!  Crazy!!

IF we can see it, feel it, hear it, we can make the decisions to get out of the way.  We have choices........ always.  No matter what the consequences are.

____________________________________________________________

bleeding heart........

Its amazing how quickly we are drawn to the drinking fountain that spills the nectar we crave and not even recognize its damaging consequences until the sweetness rots a hole into our hearts.  Its amazing how quickly we sidestep into the same dance moves despite the fact that the music beat seems completely different than the past.  You'd think we'd learn to stay clear of these trappings.  But cravings stilt our thinking while heightening our feelings to a point where they begin to control the choices we make.  We get drawn in as fast as flames up the chimney.

SWOOSH!  Off balance and confused by the swaying persuasion of a person who uses emotionally charged tactics to get what they want, we succumb to the hypnotic allure of their game. We become victimized and are held hostage by a professional victim who knows our weak points and knows how to use an arsenal of Emotion DARTS that target our weak points  Its like playing chess with a master.  The problem is..... in the rush to play the game, we don't recognize fast enough that we have become one of his Pawns. 

How does this happen so quickly?  How do we end up emotionally tied to another person who craves control because they don't feel like they have any in their life?  How do we recognize the manipulator who smoothly uses mind manoeuvering techniques like a tonic we choose to drink?  Why does this seem to happen more often to people who are kind and full of goodness?  How do we become enablers in a game you will never win?  

The way I see it AND believe it?  It comes down to the idea that we are getting some of our own personal needs met!  

Lots of questions!  Lots of ruminations!  LOTS of time spent trying to find your footing with professional victims who use the terror filling tactics of emotional game playing. 

Ask yourself.............. Is what I am doing to help one of these victims getting me what I want??  What do I want?   What are my needs?

Ask yourself......... Which of the most important relationships in my life are spiritually and emotionally healthy? What is is about them that make them feel healthy?  Why are they healthy?  Is there a respectful balance of give and take?

 

Ask youself.... Which ones are toxic?  IN what ways are they toxic?  Why?  What am I getting out of it?

Ask yourself......... What role do I play in the push and pull of a relationship that may not be a healthy one?  What am I sacrificing of myself and my life to try to maintain/fix/change the relationship? 

We all have the same needs.  According to William Glasser, Choice Theory guru guy, our needs fall into 5 categories.  Survival, Love and Belonging, Control/Empowerment, Freedom and Fun.  That's it.  5 needs.  5 goblets...... filled or not.  If one of our goblets is nearing empty, our actions, according to Dr. Glasser focus on re-filling the need goblet.   It affects how we think, feel emotionally, feel physically and act.  In other words, it tints the lens we use to look out at the world around us because we crave to fill the emptiness.

For example, if  Love and Belonging needs goblet is empty,  thoughts turn to conjuring up statements like....."I'm unlovable.  I'm ugly.  I'm alone.  No one loves me....Nobody cares that I'm even alive." This is the biggie!!!  Emotional feelings may sour into loneliness, shame, sadness, anxiety, rejection, anger.  Physical feelings turn to hunger, belly aches, headaches, energy heaviness.  Every ache and pain is felt, which in turn twists thinking into morbidity.  

Actions??  They can run the gamut.  You may slink away into my bed and succumb to depression, or you may become the busiest butterfly flitting out and about with a broken wing in search of love. OR, if you are aware of what's happening and what the need is, you may choose a much more balanced healthier approach.  You reach out to others.  You get into counselling. You start up a project or immerse yourself in a hobby.  You learn to be still and find happiness with your own company.  

Instant gratification through sex, food, alcohol, online sexual risk taking with others out in the mean world.  It comes down to looking for that elusive unconditional love but only ever finding love with conditions.  With rules.  With "do this" and I will love you conditions.  Its amazing how far we will go to seek out love...... to feel a sense of oneness and belonging ........... to rid ourselves of our misfit persona.  Values be damned when we are empty vessels in need of affirmation.

When my "love and belonging" needs have been depleted,  I am vulnerably open to tripping into the kind of relationship that will devour instead of soothe. I try to MAKE the relationship work even if it is toxic.  They will use their manipulative charm to get their own needs met.... empowerment, control and maybe even love and belonging too!  At first glance, it appears that this relationship is a healthy partnership..... I'll scratch my back, you scratch mine scenario.  But, when you are dealing with someone whose "need cups" can never be filled..... when they are a bottomless pit of need, there is no give and take balance.  The relationship runs amok..... as the game of give, give, give and take, take, take continues until the giver has nothing left and the taker remains hungry for more.  

give, give, give......

take, take, take.....

the giver pulls away, trying to look after themselves

the taker reacts by uttering demands, threats... even to a point where they say they will harm themselves.  Even to a point where they DO harm themselves......... all in a ploy to shake up the guilt and shame of the Giver. 

We are not dealing with a person who is healthy.  Chances are, there is serious mental health issues simmering under the surface.  But, they are smart.  The anger and aggression eventually rise up through their skin, but days and weeks can go by when all seems so serene!   They need professional intervention.  Sadly, Emotional Manipulators are the last ones who will ever admit there is something wrong with them. They are professional victims. The world is out to get THEM. 

So, we need to look after ourselves.  Like they say before the plane takes off, we need to put our oxygen masks on first before we can attempt to help someone.  We need to be aware of our own needs .... this is Emotional Awareness.  This is Emotional Literacy!  Read on!!!

If all of our behaviour is our best attempt at fulfilling our needs, how much control do we have over our actions?  A heck of a lot more than we do trying to control the actions of others or their needs. We may be the most "aware" person in the whole world, sometimes our needs drive us blindly down some thorny paths even if we think we are being careful.  And the worst thorny path to find yourself tumbling down is one that is owned by an emotional manipulator.  

More often than not, this is the foundation of domestic violence, which  INCLUDES more than a husband and wife scenario.   Domestic violence  includes elder abuse, child versus parent abuse, parent/child abuse, sibling violence, extended family abuse.  Emotional, physical, sexual or a combination of all.   More often than not, the manipulators who take advantage of our goodness are family.  I've experienced it first hand through marriage.  I've read about it, studied it, and have helped others in counselling sessions try to come to terms with it.  Emotional Literacy is lifelong learning.......  I am a student.  I hope you are too. 

Incredibly smart but sadly their self image is badly damaged, people who play with someone else's emotional stability are not only difficult to recognize right away, they will never admit the games they play.  In fact, they often feign victimhood.  This is their defence. This is their "comfort zone" they fall into when they feel any sense of wrongdoing.  They are bullies seething on the verge of some serious mental health issues.  Sadly, Sociopathic behaviour remains elusive in terms of change and treatment because an Emotional Manipulator is the last person to admit there is anything wrong with them.

No one is immune to the twisty turns of a person who has the smarts to turn a relationship into one of victim and aggressor.  All we can do is be aware of our boundaries as well as our own needs.  We have to learn to protect ourselves, learn how to walk away, let go and be firm about our own health and safety.  This is very difficult to do when one is the kind of person who is considered a helper.... a doer.......... a person who has a lot of love to share.  It is almost impossible to do when the person who has NEEDS that have no bottom pit is a family member or a lover.  But, it is doable.  Usually after many attempts and situations...... we do reach a place of readiness to put down the rules!  To learn to let go and let it be rather than losing your own freedom and empowerment in your own life.  

We do have the power to offer love and compassion while not getting entangled  in the web of psychological destruction.  We do not have the power to "save" another person from their own machinations, threats and self harm when they don't want to change.  Tragically...........

Love is out there.  Good love.  Healthy love.  Humans can provide this for other humans, though we are not perfect.  When two people meet, they bring along their "needs" goblets........... its a merging of the head and heart.  A blending of goodness and compasion as well as empathy for one another is reachable.   And our guide to showing us what unconditional love is and how it can be reciprocated?  God.

Look after yourself.  See the toxic relationships through the a clarification lens.  It may take a long time to let go of the threads that bind.  No doubt it may be one of the most painful decisions to make because it leads to actions that may even feel inhumane to you at first.  Get support around you, whether its through friends, family and/or professional help.  Lean on your faith. Know there will be grieving.  Sadness.  Guilt. Shame.  Be aware that it may even feel selfish to think of yourself first.  It's all there.  It goes against the grain of our compassionate hearts.  But, it comes down to the fulfilling the very basic need of all........... Survival.  Your own.  

kiss the world beautiful.

 view from Springhill Road.....light touches send out love best.

"Sometimes it takes someone else's life 

to see what we're worth......"

Martyn Joseph, Kiss the World Beautiful.

I just returned from a quick dog walk on this cold blustery night.  Under the bright stars and the almost full moon with no one else on the street, I was struck by the thought of how beautifully free I am to be able to perform a small task like that without worrying about my safety... grateful for where I live, for the roof over my head, for my warm bed, for my health, for my family.  

You'd think I was out walking a marathon to have had all of those thoughts!  No.  It happened in a rush of some ineffable feeling as soon as the wind gusts took my breath and heightened my awareness. It happened as soon as I looked up at the night sky, so brilliantly vast.  It happened as soon as I watched my dog Lily run ahead, take a nose dive roll on the grass and then wiggle on her back with an abandoned feeling of joy.

As we walked, I inhaled the fresh air as deeply as I could while quickly reflecting on a busy day............ one that ran the gamut of feelings as per usual, realizing once again that its not what someone says to you that you remember and hold onto, its how it made you feel.   I smile at the amazing affirmations I received today.  From a student whom I had connected with on Friday while sharing a few hilarious dating stories to a friend who told me tonight how glad he is that I am in his life.  WOW!  

I touched others too.  Some in a good way and some I challenged their actions, or rather inactions that revealed their clingyness to playing the role of victim.  yeah, I think I pissed them off.  Or maybe I just refreshed their irritations.  They wanted my help to learn how to study, but they weren't helping themselves.  Why? Perhaps they've never learned how to yet.  Time to learn.  Time to take some ownership.  A bit of tough love is in order.  Spoon fed whiners who say "yes, but" test my patience.  

I have to approach this with assertion, but also with diplomacy or I will lose their confidence in me.  If I approach it from a "Parent" role, their response will come from their explosive "Child" role.  If I figure out a way to approach them as an Adult connecting with another Adult and have the conversation on this level, chances are change will happen in their behaviour.  They want to remain in the Child role.  It will be a challenge to help them move to a more productive state of mind in order to take ownership of their learning. 

Our connections and interactions with others fill our days and lives with what matters.  Nothing else matters as much does it?  I can't seem to think of any.  As I reflected on this one ordinary Monday, I'm filled with the memories of the emotions that coloured the conversations.  But, I am also left with a few things that were said to me too.  Words stick too.  Compliments, judgements, affirmations, scornful comments, dismissals, haughty comments, invitations, and praise combine with our personal self talk leaving remnants on how we see ourselves.... our worth.  

If I've learned anything over the past year, it is how other's lives impact my own and visa versa.  What i say and express with my feelings impacts what I attract.  We learn about ourselves mostly through others and how we interact.  And if we want to make an attempt to "kiss the world beautiful," (the lyrics from Martyn Joseph's powerful song of the same name) so that perhaps the world will kiss us back from a place called beautiful, than "sometimes its more important to love than to always have it right....." 

This is not a passive approach.  Rather, it takes energy to share love and respect in a situation where you want to do the opposite.  Who needs to be lectured at?  It never works and it never feels nice.  Yes, in order to act out with the intentions of kissing the world beautiful, we must always pause before we speak or act........ we must strive to offer love knowing its not always important to have it right.

Tonight, I recognize the moments I touched down lightly with my words, my feelings, my responses.  I recognize the moments when I may have been too harsh in my judgements....... and will try my best again tomorrow.  I don't want to add more dark streaks on the human horizon.  I want to offer up the good in me.   As I inhaled the cold autumn air and filled my lungs with fresh oxygen, I gave thanks to the gifts I have been given......... free will, choices, awareness, forgiveness, and another day to try again.  

May we always try to help others recognize the beauty of their worth.  May we always recognize how much of an impact we have on the people in our lives....... a smile is worth a hill of gold. Encouragement fills the cup of confidence.  And a kiss?  A kiss is a priceless tender touch to the heart. 

Off to sleep.............perhaps to dream of the kisses I received today.  

give us this day.......

Have you ever stopped at the end of the day when nighttime chimes its call to slumber and asked... Why was I given this day?  Tonight, as I try to answer, my mind seeks out a beginning point only to find a series of other questions rolling out of the original one.... 

What seeds did I plant?

What seeds did I sow?

Who touched me with their presence, both in person and from afar? 

Whom did I touch? 

Learning....what did I learn? Was I able to pass on any of my knowledge?

If I could capture the essence of feelings that accompanied me today, what colour would they be?

Who did I remember?

What did I do and how did I feel while I was doing it?

From one seemingly simple question, a plush red carpet rolls out of my reflections revealing more to consider.  Each one offers a gift of a deeper look into the day I was given as a gift.   In prayer, we request from God,  "give us this day our daily bread...." sustenance to thrive on.  We request this.  Upon reflection we can assess how we utilized this gift of days we are given that make up our lives.   

Did I stop.........just once to look around me ..... to see the beauty of my surroundings?

Where did I find the beauty?

Did I stop ... just once to look around me ..... to see the woundedness in my surroundings?

What shocked my senses?

When did I laugh?  

Did I reveal frustration, anger, confusion or did I stuff it inside because no one wants to see those big time uglies.  

Did I allow someone else to express the uglies, to help them rid them? 

What did I create today? 

How did I stretch my imagination?

How did I challenge my sensibilities?

What made me uncomfortable? 

Who was with me in spirit helping to guide me at some point today?

Did loneliness come to visit?

Why was I given this day......?

Was I kind to someone?

Did I scatter more seeds than I sowed?

So many of our days, we push through the 24 hour cycle like our lives are situated on top of a treadmill, our pace the same, our steps the same in order to keep going, keep balanced.  Maybe we need sameness because our lives are just too startling and stressful at the moment.  Just to "get through" them is a feat.  Maybe we dread stopping for fear of being accosted by the stark realities burdening our hearts, weighing heavily on our shoulders.  Maybe we skip through a day with a madness of last minute shopping before Christmas and forget that its the joy of giving, the satisfaction of finding just the right gift for someone we love not the completion of the never ending list of "to do's" that matters.  Some days seem so lacking in any stimulation that you feel like you've lived it over and over again. 

I'm left wondering if perhaps these are the kinds of days when asking the question...... Why was I given this day ...... matters the most?

Ask the question, the treadmill stops.  Ask the question and the opportunity to nurture the startling stress with attention happens.  Ask the question and the burdens are acknowledged and greeted by awareness.   Ask the question and that omnipresent fear of being alone is filled with the real connections you made with others......... face to face, over the phone, through an email, on facebook, at the store, passing someone in the street, at work, in the classroom, out in the parking lot, in your mind's eye. 

Did you know that there are at least 3 people out in the big old world who not only thought of you, but love you too.  You may not get to see them every single day, but they are out there rooting for you!  Cheering you on!

Ask the question to God?  "Why was I given this day God?"   He's a good sounding board.  However, chances are like a good therapist (the ultimate therapy dude, really) God will reflect the question back for you to answer.  "You tell me.... Why did I give you this day,"  He asks...... and you're left figuring it out, with His supportive touch guiding you through the perplexities any opened ended question promotes. 

Before the darkness around you folds into your own internal quiet lights out, let your dreams evolve from the abundance of silent reflections.  Let your day flow into the refreshing slumber with your gaze be filtered by a sense of resolution. No matter how difficult or trying it was, it can be transformed from an ordinary day on a treadmill to one that actually mattered because of the gifts you gave and received yourself.  

I may never have all the answers I want by the time I'm sound asleep....... sometimes the questions keep me up way after my bedtime and that's alright.  What I do know is that if I take the time to ponder, even the most wretched day holds a few gems.  And if I know I have a handful of gems, it seems to make the struggles all the worthwhile.

So, tonight I ponder, and peak into the wildness of my broad question.......  "Why was I given this day?"  To fill with as much life as I could..........with as much colour as i could.  And I believe I accomplished just that.....

Now its time to dream........of you.  Why?  Because you are with me every day.... in my actions, in my feelings, in my imagination, and in my soul.  You.  And I thank you for sharing this bountiful life with me.  Little did you know, but you eased my suffering, added to my joy, challenged and stretched my abilities.  It was you and the connection I have with you that turned this ordinary day into a recognized bouquet of blessings.

 

i thought i was ready..........

Dear God, 

I stopped walking. My journey halted abruptly.

My choice.

I thought I was ready for a rest.

I thought I would be ready to sit still to read, to write,

to focus on the daily tasks inviting me back

I thought I was ready for some lovin' fun.  

God knows I was lacking. 

It seemed like the natural inclination, 

to rest from a deep seated exhaustion

to recharge, rekindle the light of Eros.

Love and belonging.... to fill that cup of love and belonging. 

Instead, the walking continued, 
this time it was in the form of a pace........ 

directionless missteps with too many unneeded ones.

Overwhelming expectations breathed dragon heat on my neck.
not wispy kisses.

Instead, I spun around enough to make me dizzy.  

Spinning never gets you where you want to go.  

It just leaves heat on the soles of your feet....

friction burns from assimilated repetitious actions

and a mixed up brain.

Every now and then, I'd sit with blistered feet

with high hopes of receiving a massaging balm

from strong warm hands. 

Tender touches

How I longed for those hands to hold me.

 

By then, my thoughts were jumbled,

my breathing was burdened,

my feelings had flown out of me 
like scattered stars in a night sky. 

Desperation only leaks from this chaos. 

Love looks and feels like hungry chaos in the mean hours.

Shadow boxing driven by the ache of loneliness

zapped my energy time and again.

I'd reach up to the heights of joyful anticipation

only to be slapped down 
with the dramatic force of the glove of realization.

Boxing glove brutality. 

I'd seek out illusions in hopes that the oasis welcomed me into its beauty.

I didn't recognize them as illusions.  

No, I saw them as truth.  

It was never solid enough to grasp onto.... 

the oasis was sand spilling out of open hands 
of one dimensional one liners. 

They were the wrong open hands. 

Love amiss. 

Love is not one errant kiss.

Stuck in transit,

I wallowed in lonely unmet needs,

clouding over personal reflections.

I lifted up the mirror. 

No images formed. 

Just faceless silouettes arcing out of silver glass.

The yearnings market crashed all around me,

sending shards of desires through an already splintered heart.

I lost my way. 

I ran the other way.

I went deaf to the calling of my name.

Still,  I spun inside the yearnings of Eros.

I thought I was ready. 

I thought the comfort could be found in strong arms

I saw love as the potion to pull me up out of mired loneliness.

I forgot You.

I forgot how to find You.

You let me feel the rawness of an unprotected heart.

And I cursed every single time I landed on my knees alone.

I forgot the words of prayer.

Wiped out after pacing......

Stripped of all semblance of balance, 

I sought solace under the covers on hot humid days 

with only the fan to keep me cool..... 

white noise to drown out a heavy heart.

 Stillness of an empty bed.

Last night, 

empty and disappointed, 

I remembered a few things. 

Your love is what matters most. 

Your love is what supports me through the spinning chaos of healing

It is Your love that helps me heal the blister burned feet.

God, I reckon this will not the be last time I have to learn this lesson. 

Spinning at first feels like a fun activity, 

though interest grows weak 

repetition sneaks in the pain 
when you're not paying attention. 

At least it emptied me

Emptied me enough to let You in again. 

Just in time.

I will walk again...... 

forward, with two steps back every now and then

Still.

You under my feet, as always

You never forget me..... 
sometimes I'm too full that I falter and forget You, God.
Maybe I don't forget.
Maybe I just misplace myself.

Walking in prayer, 

unraveling the confusion.

finding solace

And all around me......... your encouraging echos

I will hear

Reassurance.

Love, the unconditional hymn you hum

to lost souls like me

doing the best that I can to find my way back to the fold. 

God, will you hold up that mirror for me?

Let it reflect on the Beauty of this day 
you have given me as a gift
to breathe in Your love? 

Let me hold the Hand I cannot see

and feel the warmth of being held again.

I am ready.  I am ready to pray again.

Will you show me how to again? 

across the waters.......it's so peaceful in here

I think I've discovered a new type of therapy.  Waterfalls Therapy.  Not the Niagara Falls kind..........the hidden in the woods, away from the world kind.  It's like finding treasure and serenity all rolled into one gift. 

Sometimes it takes a bit of exploring to find the falls, nestled secretly in the woods, out of view unless you know where to look.  But the journey is a part of the thrill of finding one of these treasures.  And in turn the first glimpse is guaranteed to put a smile on your face as well as the kind of child excitement that tickles you from your toes on up.

Our trek took us down a dirt road.  Initially, we walked too far because we were talking too much and missed the sounds we were supposed to be listening for.  When we turned back, we began to hear the rushing of water. Though we couldn't see the waterfalls from that angle, we took a chance and headed down a steep decline through the woods........taking it slowly and using the tree roots as footholds and branches as hand security.  As we made our way down, the view of the waterfalls came into sight.  It was gloriously cascading through a gorge which cut through the granite rock like a precision instrument and showered into an accumulating pool of cool, cool water.  The site was enough to take your breath away.

We made it down to the bottom of the falls, surrounded by the cliff gorge resplendent in pine and greenery ..... every single shade of green was present.  The sunlight filtered through the trees landing in patterns of its own making........ lighting various plants and ferns......... touching down on the moving water with a kiss of goodness.  With not another soul in sight, we had this little piece of heaven all to ourselves.  To say it was magical doesn't do it justice.   

A line from a Van Morrison song came to mind........ "This must be what paradise is like........it's so peaceful in here..." 

The irish have a term for that feeling when an acute sensory awareness of body, mind and soul merge into one.........when you feel that you are lifted up out of an ordinary life into an aura of enlightenment.  They refer to it as a "thin place."  You feel more alive and energized, but it is combined with an inner sense of calm that I can only describe as bliss.  When you reach this place the air is refreshingly oxygenated.  The more breaths you take, the more bouyant you feel. As your pores open up to receiving the happiness and hope floating all around you, it seems as though you reach a point where you believe anything is possible.  Anything is possible because you have been given the gift of inner completeness.

The feeling is fleeting......bliss never lasts.  But, the long term impact is life changing.  You enter a thin place, body mind and soul, and you are never the same again.  How can you be?  If you've tasted, touched, seen, heard and inhaled beauty, the lens with which you use to see your own world has shifted.  It reinforces one's belief in a Higher Power.  It offers you the best opportunity to slip a prayer into God's mailbox.  

You never ever forget the moment.  It is gratefully etched in memory.

On Canada Day, I quietly sat on a large rock in the middle of the woods halfway up a small gorge created by the flow of one river.  In front of me was an eternally cascading waterfall dropping down into a pool of water glistening in the morning sun.  Right beside me the water rushed past in rapid churning down to the bottom of the gorge where converged with another river forming swirling pools of water.   

The welcoming rumble tones soothed as well as exhilarated the thin air.........it's constant sound echoed off the granite walls in lullaby fashion, similar to the rolling in of tides.  I had no desire to move. In fact the whole multi-sensory experience allowed me to relax into a meditative repose of being placed right in the moment where time releases itself.  

Unburdened by all of the responsibilities and constraints of daily life, I sat in bliss.  In front of nature's altar, beside the rushing water, bliss kissed me.  And all the air went thin......... leaving me in a place of awakening I will return to in mind and body as often as I can this summer.

 Herman Hesse wrote, "Within you there is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can retreat at any time and be yourself."  When you've experienced, JUST ONCE, the holiness of thinness, you have been given the key to finding that inner retreat again.  

The moments when you are captured inside a thin place may be fleeting, the sense of wonder nestles deep into our hearts where they glisten like prayerful gems, which reflect a dawning comprehension only felt when we are touched by God's grace.  Our lives are far more enriched when we are receptive to the possibility of this experience because I truly believe these may be our best attempt at understanding the mystery. 

renewal

Renewal is conceived in the heart of discontent. It begins to grow by the inner light of silent conversations with God until it breaks through the clay of blended souls.  

Hungry hope is its companion as is a broken spirit enraptured by the Holy one, whose breezes caress  the restless suffering with tender knowing.  Hope reminds Renewal to be patient with its re-emerging and to know that most of its growth will be invisible to the outward glance, but colourfully recognizable when the human who hosts it gazes inwardly.  

Through suffering we learn to surrender.  Through surrendering, we learn how connected we are to a greater realm.  Through  connection, we begin to feel loved in much different way than perhaps we have ever felt before. 

What may feel that an epochal event that shifts our gaze and FEELS like renewal  is merely a glimpse of a field of diamonds off in the distance.   Those tantalizing sparkling gems with winkly twinkle c'mons  have the power to awaken our hunger for enlightenment, to tickle our parched thirsts for a drop of understanding.  

But, Renewal doesn't occur because of one event.  It may be the spark that ignites the change in direction, but it is not the conclusion.  It may be the impetus set in the clay of blended souls...... the foundation we rely on for support as we ride the waves of change by taking one step at a time.  

Renewal in all of its diamond splendour is simply our crooked journey signmarked by our recognition of love dressed in complicated life riddles.  Eventually it leads us to a place we can call home.  To get to the field, we must walk unprotected, barefooted pierced by the nettles and thorns of suffering that scratch and sting.......that leave pockmarked scars on our flesh. 

We must walk aided and unaided.......taking risks, learning as much from our hurts as we do our triumphs, reaching out to give while being open to receiving the gifts we are offered.  By so doing, we learn that the clay of blended souls we walk upon?  We are a part of that clay.  We belong to a universe who shares the same feelings, who thrive and survive, who suffer and feel joy...... who nurture and are nurtured by one another. 

Renewal may be conceived inside the heart of discontent, but the light of its darkness seems to always shed rays on a garden of hope, inside the home, waiting to be discovered.   As pilgrims, let us continue to be surprised by the answers to the riddles......... those "love in riddles," for this is where our awareness resides.  Don't forget to tuck in a dash or two of humour into that journey knapsack of yours too.

PS.  Pip?  My first attempt at "transposing" the article you sent me. Let me know what you think........ xx

"Believe in Me"

 we never walk alone

Here are my rambling thoughts this beautiful Sunday morning ........the lilacs are beginning to bloom and there isn't a cloud in the sky....... 

When you say to someone, "I believe in you," what exactly do you mean by that?  It has nothing to do with their outward appearance, or that you can reach out and touch their skin, feel their face, hold their hand.  Surely having the confirmation that the person is real flesh and blood helps, but believing in someone is certainly not that.  There are many people whom I've never had the pleasure of meeting them face to face and I  "believe in them."  Why?  Because they are.........

Truthful

Full of Integrity

Trustworthy

Caring

Compassionate

Expressive

Loved and Loving.
Beautiful in their own unique way.

These the tenets behind that one little statement.  Powerful stuff. 
Its all in the essence of their actions. 

When someone says to you,  "I believe in you," how does that make YOU feel?  Are you apt to smile as you absorb this affirming message, or do you automatically feel the opposite? Rather than a sense of inspiration, do you tense up in perspiration over the very idea that someone would "believe in you" when all can feel is fraudulent?  What stops us from believing that someone else believes in you?  Inconsistent messages.  Insincerity, Lack of trust.  Self loathing. Guilt?  The list is endless.

What happens to the one who once believed in the other human being but can't anymore?  It's shattering.  Why?  Because when you take the risk to be open enough to tell someone you are in their corner, cheering them on, believing in their goodness and core values, it is a vulnerable place to be.  It's a risk.  You've taken a stance that is WIDE open.  When you're WIDE open, you are a bigger target.  When you reach a point in a relationship when the believing is mutual, when it bonds you in partnership and then it all falls to pieces, your ability to believe in anything becomes questionable.  

Lies do that. Secrets create uncertainty.  If someone lies once, will they lie again?    If they are trying to hide the truth from themselves, yes they will.  It's an ineffective hurtful way of trying to cope.  Liars never believe in themselves, and certainly have a tough time accepting that anyone else could "believe in" them either. 

BEEEE-LEEEVE.   It's a masterful word with deep rooted meaning.  When used within the context of a testimonial, it packs a significant punch.  I can't imagine any other phrase, except one other that holds such power. Maybe they mean the same thing.......  they seem to come from the same place, one's heart.  There is the other side of the thought too......... maybe the other person couldn't even grasp the message because they never believed in themselves.  Maybe they don't believe they are worthy of love as well.  Can you really accept such affirmation if you don't see yourself as worthy?  We are all worthy of being loved and of loving others.  How does one help another feel this enough to believe in themselves?

I believe in you.....

I love you.....

Are they one in the same?

I think they are, though as mere mortals, we struggle with giving and receiving this message.  Our stumbling bumbling frailties complicate the purity of simply believing in ourselves.  We are more apt to put ourselves down because we focus on the negative bits....... the ugly bits and stop seeing ourselves as holy unique individuals of beauty.  Sometimes, our ability to express love and compassion to some people in our lives is halted by the fear inside them.  Why?  Is it because humans have created a list of conditional expectations to go along with the love?  

We will never perfect our frailties enough to be able to offer up our love and convictions as unconditionally and as beautiful as God.  We aren't God...... but we are extensions of His love and he has provided us with the emotional capacity and free will to try our best.  He has also created us with a sprinkling of the Holy Spirit in our souls.  When we look at someone in the eyes and tell them that we believe in them..... that we LOVE them, we speak the maternal words of the Holy Spirit.  

God guides us in learning how to share and receive love unconditionally.   He also asks us to practice on Him.  His request............ "Believe in Me..." tells us so.   So, we practice throughout our personal spiritual journeys.  There are days when believing in God is in full bloom and then there are other days when you couldn't scrape a smidgen of conviction out of your soul.  That's alright.  The key is to practice.... to work on it.  

God provides us opportunities to learn how to love and believe through the relationships we covet in our lives.  Its hard work.  Loving and believing aren't givens.  You have to work at it on those days when you couldn't scrape a smidgen of conviction out of your soul.  Both of you.  Sometimes we get it right.  Sometimes we fail miserably.  And, when we stumble.....when we feel like a failure, the healing has to start with yourself.  Relearning that you are "believable"...... that you are "lovable...."  This is the starting point. 

I believe in you.  I do.  I can't live your life and I can't make your decisions.  I can't force you to accept what I have expressed.  I have no control over how you receive my emotionally charged testimonial.  All I can do is try to describe what that statement means to me........ what is behind it.  I take a risk, knowing my love is not perfect, that my beliefs are still forming on my lips as I say it out loud.  And if by me telling you how beautiful you are.......... what a blessing you are in my life.... If by me honestly reminding you that you are a gift from God offers you a gentle nudge towards accepting your own lovability quotient, I will be content.

"I believe in you"............. helps me believe in me too.  Its where honesty takes root. 

Please don't be frightened by it.  There's nothing to be frightened of by someone believing in you..... by someone loving you. 

We are all works in progress........ learning to love and learning how to be loved. Just as we are. 

the lilacs are beginning to bloom.......  This morning, I am still.  I am quiet.  Its good for me.  Why?  Because the quiet allows me to hear those words...... 


"Believe in Me."  


I trust those words.....

instruments of peace

Lord, make us instruments of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let us sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is discord, union;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy;
O Divine Master, Grant that we may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

I always return to this prayer.  For me it holds the key ingredients to living as God intended us to –

***With a heart driven reverence for all of life by breaking it down beyond the complicated ruminations to the simple elegance of the natural elements we live amongst.

*** With the belief that what impacts me, will indirectly impact those around me and visa versa.  Our lives flow in and around one another in ways that more often than not will remain part of the mystery.  

Like everyone, I am imperfect.  My reactive emotions go awry and hurt others even when I don’t intend them to because of my lack of skills in recognizing the deeper triggers they lance.  Sometimes it’s only upon shadow driven reflection, or when someone points it out to me that I become more aware of how I’ve been perceived or how I have misbehaved.  It is only then, from the place inside where shame dwells will awareness come from the “whys” and the “how comes….”  

Our reactive emotions are ego led.  We soften and become more humble when we recognize the blind side of ourselves and how much we can lash out if we are incensed by not being understood, or by believing our personal needs are somehow supposed to be met by someone other than ourselves.   Gentleness, as it is so beautifully spoken through St. Francis of Assisi’s prayer,  is the harmony which wraps us in peace.   We hear the hymn and live the hymn when we eliminate the ambitious bully from our spirit.

*** With the intent of offering support without expectations or recognition.  This is difficult to do, because we all love to know we are needed.  We all want to be loved by the people around us.  But sometimes, through our own previous actions or because of the other person’s woundedness, or because of many uncontrollable forces that seem to penetrate our lives in ways we can even foresee let alone manage, we are fueled by our egocentric “needs” to be fulfilled.  

Our actions and reactions go from kind offerings with no strings attached to giving with convoluted expectations.  We set ourselves up if we offer ourselves to the service of others with a sense of trying to fill up our ego tanks.    I want to attract what I am, not attract what I want.   I say this prayer with that in mind, and perhaps one day that sense of contentment will not be so fleeting. 

*** From a place of honest sincerity….. I am who I am and will try my best to offer the gifts I have been bestowed, and let go so I can live my intended destiny.  The best that I can strive for is to be myself and not carry a false mask.  

What comes to mind is Thoreau’s quote:  “If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours….”

Love is an action word.  To love is to be your real self and to try your best to always look through the lens of another’s gaze.

Not that any of this is easy.   

Mid afternoon light streams, 

Church of the Holy Trinity, Toronto

April, 2010