blessed longing.

"True vitality is hidden within longing. When you give into creative passion, it will bring you to the ultimate thresholds of transfiguration and renewal. This growth cause pain, but it is sacred pain. It would be much more tragic to have cautiously avoided these depths and remained marooned on the shiny surfaces of the banal." John O'Donahue.

Longing can be painful.......grasping for what you want, knowing it may be a distant shore, you best keep swimming even if your arms and legs tire......even if your head feels soggy. If one can keep a clear path to that creative passion nestled in the essence of our being, somehow the adrenaline which feeds the vitality will help keep us afloat.

Longing may be painful, as Father O'Donahue states, but the option of resting on the shores of the banal isn't in my repetoire. I want to dive off that darn banal dock into that canal and go for a swim, even if I have to float on my back every now and then.

mentoring.........

Yesterday, I had a quick conversation with the student intern who is working with me about the development of a counselling relationship. Normally our conversations are much longer, but we were tight for time and it was the end of the day..............one that had begun for me in the wee hours of the morning due to time changes and jet lagness and whizzed by with many tasks and several drop ins from friends and colleagues to hear about my trip and to find out about my husband's health (which is improving by the minute btw).

My student intern has been hanging with me for a month or so and I've been thoroughly enjoying working with him...........teaching a bit, assessing a bit.....learning A LOT....but mostly enjoying our time together getting to know one another. This is what is so cool about counselling...........in order to develop your skills, you have to be open to being open.........you have to be able to be reflective as you continue to hone the craft of engaging with others.

This is his first foray into the frontlines after much time in the classroom learning theories and discussing the process. Now, he's getting his feet wet...............seeing how the theories apply in real life.........learning how challenging it can be to encourage someone to share their stuff, observing me and now taking some of the lead. I asked him today to compare how he felt two weeks ago before he had experienced his own counselling sessions with people, to now. And lovely Nolan answered the question with reflective grace.

He told me that two weeks ago, he was feeling much more comfortable in the internship.......... taking a bit of a back seat observing and conversing with me on a cognitive level. He was keen to challenge himself by taking the helm but now was feeling very uncomfortable and a bit out of his depth. I smiled and nodded..................told him that is EXACTLY where he needed to be! It's where learning crosses paths with our yearnings and desires to stretch ourselves.

It's so easy to sit back and observe from the sidelines. But to really get a taste for life, especially in the trenches of the frontlines, one has to jump right in there knowing full well that you'll NEVER in a million years be able to second guess and plan and prepare for the unknown that is bound to pop up when interacting with another person. And I know this is why he has chosen this field. It fits his personal make up..................his effervescent curiosity.........his ongoing churning in his mind. He's completely up to the challenge and like all seekers and learners, is willing to feel a bit of insecurity along the way.

Counselling is not something you can teach someone to do. Sure you can provide the theoretical frameworks, and you can even demonstrate the various techniques. You can offer insight into better communication techniques too. But, the true ingredient of counselling is found in the soul.

What I am loving right now as a mentor for a very gifted soul full person who has chosen a calling and the right one at that, is the time I get to spend talking............we have formed a wonderful rapport. He has brought to me a chance to evaluate my own chosen calling again at a time when I think I needed to touch base with why it is what I love to do.

I've been very lucky in my life to have had a few really good mentors along the way..........people who have taken the time with me to guide and to listen........my role now as the guide continues to offer up many opportunities to relearn, to challenge, and to personally feel the keen discomfort of the learning process. Can't wait to see where the rest of this internship leads. One thing I'm certain of is that counselling and teaching is what i love to do, and it is what i am meant to do.

reflections

I arrived in London raw and exhausted, but full of energy. It was the unsettling kind though....the restless kind that churls and surges in your system. The unharnessed but compressed energy was so powerful, it felt like it was going to crack open my skin and pour all out onto the pavement. My thoughts drove my feelings in a way that I didn't feel like I had much control of them, nor an understanding of how to figure it out. I had left behind me a major crisis with my husband and his health, a pile of untouched work on my desk, issues pertaining to the state of how things were still manipulatively incomplete (and more importantly stressfully mismanaged) with respect to my husband's parent's wills. Even the seemingly smaller things around the house were piling up so fast and furious that they just added to the bedlam in my churling inner world. The tears and the rage roared. I was spent.

The people around me could see it..............feel it...................HEAR it. I was a scattered, anxious, worried, overtaxed, cornered, energized mess. Not a great place to be when one has to make some decisions, and when one is in need to be strong for others and for oneself. This is where I was at. Life at it's messy pinnacle.

It was through the understanding and support of these friends and family.........of my closest friend Anne telling me to GO ahead with my plans at the same time reassuring Jamie too and promising to step into my home to make it run while I went away........of my parents and sisters encouraging not to cancel my trip............of my dearest friends who all said the same thing.........."I've never seen you more excited about anything.....go and we'll be there to look after things"............of all the people in my life who love me and my family so much that they cooked and cleaned, they visited and drove my children to their various activities, who took them in for two days while my husband began his healing while settling back into our home, who stayed with him during the day keeping him company and reassuring him that he was going to mend and feel like himself again, who dropped off movies, magazines, flowers and food..............who even fixed my front steps reinforcing the concrete that had crumbled over winter.

My sister said............."be a receiver. Let everyone do what they want for you..........they are offering...........accept their offers and go..........."

But, it was when my 14 year old daughter told me in the van on the way to school the day I was to be packing my suitcase and leaving all of this behind that I truly made my decision without guilt and without anymore comtemplative rumination that she wanted me to go.......... it was important for me to have a break and to do something for myself. This was one of the major threads which was keeping me in a mishmash of a holding pattern. When she said this, i knew my children were independently strong enough to let go of me for a week while they too let others help along with helping themselves. My daughter, the one who has held on tightly to my skirts since she was a baby and as a shy little girl..........who needs the reassurance to settle her overactive imagination especially at night when she wakes in the dark still............who was wracked with anxiety the first two nights after her Dad was admitted to the hospital and ended up by my side again on the couch as the only place where sleep would find her, who was also right in the middle of her own important milestones with new friends and two different productions in the offing (rehearsals every night etc)...........it was when she showed her confidence to let go of me and told me that it was my turn to have some fun........... I made my decision to carry on with my plans without worry. Personally, I think she was sick of seeing me meltdown!

I began reading Anam Cara, John O'Donahue's book on the plane home last night.....his words are like a bowl of comfort food topped with special. You want to devour it, but the savouring is the only way to let the tastebuds absorb it's essence. He wrote, "A friend is a loved one who awakens your life in order to free the wild possibilities in you.........." He believed that "true vitality is hidden in the longing.............." As I read the words one taste at a time, I heard his lyrical voice in the authenticity of his own shared learning, realizing very quickly that my longings to spend a week unchurling and unfurling had a different meaning............it was the road to finding vitality again. It had been an emotionally circuitous venture, and the only way it happened was to embrace the support of friends and family who showed their concern and love by lifting us all up with their strong arms.

No one can truly live without friends and family to help, to love, to guide, to be there................to be there.............. you can have everything in the world. You can have all the nice things in life to surround you, but if you don't have people in your life who care and understand you, and who will allow you to do the same, life has no meaning. O'Donahue also states..........."our feelings towards our friends reflect our feelings towards ourselves.........." Nothing is more important to me that the people in my life whom I love. Nothing. And how does that reflect back on my own feelings of myself?

I got on a plane tired, spent, unsure but also determined, excited, focused..........and feeling like I was heading across the pond to solidify through connection live and for real because of the love and support.........because of the guidance offered by such good friends and family.............because I have a daughter who understands her Momma's needs as well as I understand hers.

I have many stories to share..........many reflections both the navel gazing type and the funny incidents. They will spill and drip out of me over the course of the next week or so. Last night, I picked up my daughter from her dress rehearsal..........opening night is tomorrow night. When we got home and I pulled out the "gypsy-like" goodies I picked up for her at Camden on Saturday..........she said to me how home is never the same without me, and that she can relax now. At that, she tried on her new flowy skirts and dangling earrings..........then pulled on her pyjamas and crawled into her own bed for a sound sleep.

I am forever grateful to everyone who lifted us up...............my heart beats with new positive energy. I can feel it's rhythm once again. I can taste the champagne.............and feel the bubbles tickle my nose........thank you, thank you.

"Possibility is the secret heart of time. Possibility is the secret heart of creativity........." John O'Donahue.

Let us dwell in that place called possibility............and thrive on the love of the people around us who only want the best of life and all it's drama. And for goodness sake.............make sure there's champagne on hand. xo

which direction?

There is a sign on the side of most double deckers that says...........grab all the best bits of London. That is my aim today, my last full day here. I can't believe how fast time has eclipsed, but I've done my very best to squeeze in much of what my intentions were.....to grab the best bits. The problem is there are so many best bits dammit! Destinations are like that aren't they? You can add and add and add more into the journey to s-t-r-e-t-c-h and r-e-a-c-h for more of what life and experience has to offer. It's all in the flexibility and the desire to pull it all towards you in a meaningful way.

Katie and I managed to multi-task on many levels............while getting to know one another, we let our feet carry us through Portobello Market, Notting Hill, Covent Garden, Soho and Camden over a two day stretch. Meals and sips of wine along the way with Pip and Joan were most definately highlights. So were checking out some of the night flavour of Soho where sexual heat was the temperature all around on a Friday night. LOVED it!

Our first walk after we met and checked in our bags at Victoria Station was along a gorgeous road which took us straight down the the Thames where we walked as a slow pace along the river and eventually up along the beautiful Parliament buildings (the PM was busy and had to cancel our tea with him), Big Ben and up the street to Trafalgar Square which was teeming with school kids from Belgium who were practising their English slang. We sat and drank tea while sitting on the steps over looking the monument and watched the world go by. It was a stopping moment to catch our breath and to pinch ourselves...........with the reality that there we were, together for the first time after so many emails and correspondance through our blogs sitting side by side smiling. Lots of smiling. And a lot of laughs.

Good to be vibrant!

Our two days together solidified a friendship we both knew existed and wanted to pursue. As much as one can share much through the written word........as much as one is comfortable sharing......... there is nothing like live and in person. I had written to Pip, Katie and Paul that I had this obsessive need to meet and to fill in the gaps...........to clarify, explore, ask, listen, absord, share and to hear...........to touch their warmth. Though I wont have my wish granted with Paul, I know it will one day happen when the time is right. My time with Pip and Joan........together and alone, and my time with Katie has been all of that and more.

Communication is a multi-leveled multi-layered process isn't it? Words, feelings, verbal, non-verbal, open discourse, quiet time sitting in the same room..........eyes, and ears and hands and arms.........stances, glances, smiles and quizzical looks..........all are needed when one wants to communicate. Getting the facts, finding out the bits of history a person wants to share is just as needed to solidify the foundation of the relationship so one can grow in depth..........so one can get to the heart of what matters. Secrets, yearnings, wishes and desires...........fears, successes, wants and needs...........wonderings, ponderings, and joyful exuberations all fit into the package, especially when there is a comfort level..........and unspoken calm between two or three or even a group of people.

There is a magical, indescribable ingredient when two people can feel the comfort of being themselves and know it's 100 percent acceptable. A dash of saffron? A pinch of cinammon? A stick of lit of incense mellowing through the meeting of the minds? Perhaps the aromatic ingredient is different for each separate encounter............each developing friendship. Perhaps it is the aroma which surrounds two people who are getting to know one another is what adds to the enticement and uniqueness of it. I was explaining to Katie, as we walked through Soho on Friday night that for some reason, one of my most predominant senses is olfactory.........i've got to inhale it all..........as I seem to have a need to connect a scent with a person. Is that weird?? And when I havent met someone yet, and want to, I tend to wonder what "flavour" they are!

I've absorbed many scents............many flavours here as I have sipped on my tea (these folks know how to make a good cup of strong tea......who knew??) Today, my aim is to inhale as much as I can...........take some kind of direction, get lost a bit a long the way, but know at the end of the meanderings on my own, I will be meeting up with a beautiful man who has a flavour of peppermint and orange cointreau emanating all around him. Pip and I plan to meet at a bookstore near Picadilly named Hatchards. Now is that not the best place for a meeting of the mind and heart?? I will happy to see his smiling face meet me between a stack of books. There's nothing the like the smell of books.

I'm off...............enjoy your day! Follow the scents and always grab onto all the best bits.

friends

HOLA everyone!! I wanted to share a few people shots with you. I have so much I want to write about and to share......................so much that it seems lost in translation right now. That's alright...............there will be lots of time to capture the words and feelings another time. Right now my focus is on the doing...................the reflecting will follow. I learned that Pip has a sweet tooth........as sweet as my father in law's. I didn't think it was possible.! This above photo is in front of a wonderful tea room in Canterbury where we stopped for lunch. Turns out it is the most haunted place in all of the town..........oooooo.............. and has some amazing tarts (present company excluded thank you very much)

I've enjoyed GREAT dinners, many wonderful chats, super walks............sips of cointreau. I feel like I've known these wonderful people all my life. How is that?? It's true. There is a natural affinity and comfort. The above photo was taken in a great restaurant in a place called Faversham......Joy, Pip and Joan............We had dinner there after a great day in Canterbury.....thank you Joy!!

Katie in front of our 4 star hotel................located in Notting Hill, where i could move to and live very happily! My two days touring around London with Katie was marvellous. We never stopped talking.............never stopped sharing. I feel like this week has been the beginning steps to future visits with families.

Will post more later........................

a way......

I was a pilgrim on Thursday, though I wasn't aware of it until I walked through the large open doors, stood at the back and looked up and beyond. A pilgrim..................tiny, weary..........receiving a feast of the senses. It was a journey to get there, made much more emotionally intense over the past week. It also felt very much like a part of my own journey as I recognized it as a signpost while I tried my best to absorb the historical meanings of this hallowed place. This is Canterbury Cathedral.

It was stunning and enormous............in size, shape and spirit. I felt like a sponge with thirsty pores soaking it all in.......

The Cathedral seemed to go on and on with it's cloistered alcoves and quiet altars tucking into the recesses waiting to be discovered by a curious thirsty pilgrim. There were special spots where the air changed around me. It felt much thinner, with a touch of earthy essence -- an aroma welcoming me to kneel in silence. -- altar of the innocences, Mary Magdalene, Gabriel, St. Augustine. I felt important people in my life all around me, thinking at one point that I was going to hear my grandmother's voice calling me over to look at one of the marble made custom tombs that had caught her eye.

I took my time............the wandering totally accepted as a possible means of figuring it out on my own...............through a majestic labyrinth where God dwells. "I will praise You as long as I live and in Your name, I will lift up my hands....."

Yesterday, I soaked in some soulfood during my circuitous steps and in the end, I sat down in the middle of this glorious place beside a smiling friend in silence. It was a real "in the moment" experience which I have loved sharing with Pip and Joan...............a renewal of a steadfast spirit with me.

Everything is possible.

travelling.......

Through fear of knowing who we really are and what we want, we sidestep our own destiny which leaves us hungry in a famine of our own making.

John O'Donahue.

There is much to sustain us if we receive life as an ongoing feast of becoming. Who I want to become is the mystery meant to be lived, not a problem needing a fast food fix. I have many fuzzy pictures in my sights about my own career livelihood and as much i would LOVE to have someone sit me down and say...........i have it all arranged, you don't have to think about it again. Whatever you want is set up to happen, because that would ease the mind a bit, I don't really want that. I have always loved a good mystery, and for some reason have always been drawn to a good British mystery. What role I play, who I will become, and when...............well they are all up for ruminative discussion.



I have many dreams.......................some I will put in my cupped hands and blow them away and see where they land. Some I will plant as best I can in the warm soil I will try to fill with nutrients, and some I plan to act on this week.



My plan to is get lost for a bit......................I'll be in touch, but I'm shutting down my cerebral thinking and clearing the cobwebs........................it is where I believe I will find some of the feast ingredients. Famine for me is not an option. My belonging in this world is found in my longing to live the mystery and to share those ordinary moments with extraordinary love.



I have landed in London, and I'm sitting at a desk with a little sign staring at me. It reads: "You are beautiful........."



lovely...................


It's not the particular choices we make that matter.....................a career path is only as good as how much it can lead us back to who we are.........and how much it can enhance the journey. It is truly the travelling which makes all the difference. And if it includes a dinner at a nice curry restaurant in the heart of London town, well, then this journey is a feast.

roots and wings

Greetings from the boarding area at Fredericton Airport........oooowweee............i'm surrounded by lots of lovely accents waiting to head back to the old country!

I'm feeling quite relaxed..........amazing what a little ativan can do! It has been the most surreal, emotional, taxing four days. Jamie is healing very well and will most likely be discharged from the hospital tomorrow. I know this for a fact because I just had a nice chat with our doctor who is also taking off for a week in London! Love this town! You always know someone boarding the plane with you. So, she told me that the plan is still for Jamie to head home.

In the meantime, our friends have rallied like a well oiled troop! I have been overwhelmed with their acts of love and concern. Tonight, my son is staying with good friends who have a son his age. My daughter is staying with good friends who have a daughter she is very close with. They are safe and happy and open to their momma carrying on with her trip. Tomorrow when Jamie leaves the hospital...........another dear friend is moving right into the house to make things run smoothly. During the day when she's at work, he will have company..........a good good friend who is also like family. He's arranged to be able to work from our home. So, as long as my husband needs it..................he will have the attention and support.

Roots and wings....................our roots are solidly embedded in a wonderful caring community named Frederiction...........it's where we belong and where we take care of one another. And the wings? Well, today, it is my turn to try out some new wings.............next time it will be another member of our extended family of friends and the "roots" will give them the impetus to take flight. It's what you do.................

The nurturing we have worked on over the years................sharing important events, being there when the kids are sick, attending funerals of loved ones, cooking meals when a new baby has arrived to be loved by us all.............attending weddings, showers, thanksgivings, easter, Christmas dinners....................parties, road hockey and always, always potlucks............these events developed the roots.......................

So, I'm off.............and feeling loved and supported knowing Jamie is loved and supported, knowing my kids are loved and supported.

Boarding awaits...................my wings are ready for take off.

thank you, thank you everyone.............xo

will see you soon.

love

"We are not called by God to do extraordinary things,
but to do ordinary things with extraordinary love. "
Jean Vanier

This is the quote I used to end a workshop I delivered on Saturday morning. I had been asked to facilitate a panel discussion at an annual conference for volunteers who are involved on non profit housing committees in their communities. Many in the audience have actively worked on the committees and have successfully helped others move off the streets, out of rundown rooming houses, away from squalor high rentals into dwellings that were more humane, and had more potential to be turned into a home. My 2 hour workshop was on the topic of "how to deal with challenging behaviour.........."

My role was to be the "host" as well as the warm up act (an small group discussion exercise to get them engaged in the topic ) and the wrap up act for 200 delegates. Amazing! 200 delegates arrived on a Saturday morning at 8 am to hear what I had to say. Little ol' me! So, in between the presentations by the panelists, I pulled and linked their key points by using them as "teachable moments" weaving the session together. At the end, I gave them all a communications "tips" sheet.................and handout of key points to remember when confronted with someone who may not be on their best behaviour! The panelists, three of them, brought with them deep knowledge and stories of their experiences working and running programs for individuals who potentially be challenging...........we covered the gamut...........mental health and addictions were key players.

You know when you feel sharp and focused and ON? Do you know that feeling?? This is where I was on Saturday morning. I had written out my intro..............knew what I wanted to say and then was able to speak from my heart...........away from the podium, "off the cuff," and animatedly. And it worked! I did it! This is basically what I shared................with a few more antecdotal bits added in.............

"Our good fortune is to be an integral part of helping people in our communities regain their footing, to grab onto hope again. The frontlines is my career "home." No matter how far I've roamed to work on various projects and initiatives, I always end up back to the frontlines. It's like I have this BIG elastic band around my waist. I tread away and then BLING, the elastic band flings me back.

I have had the pleasure, frustrations and joy of working primarily in the margins of our community where possibilities dwell. It's a real, harsh, vulnerable, knee scraping, soul scratching, vibrant place that never sleeps.......that is SOAKED in a sense of the scrambling of people trying to fulfill their basic needs. And, I love it. So often I meet someone in their home.........I have travelled all around our region.........into the woods ( :) ), down dirt roads, into rooming houses, rundown apartments, places which I can only say would be labelled as "nowhere".

My role is to help..........to provide information, to teach a bit and I know that I almost always leave their homes feeling like I've learned way more than I have provided. So often after visiting another human being, or meeting with them in my office I am left with this overwhelming sense of humility because i know I may have been the first person to hear their story from beginning to the present..........to have been the one to hear it and to know the person was comfortable enough to share it with me is an honour.

Over the past day during the conference, I have talked to many people about what they felt was the importance of volunteerism (this was mostly a crowd of volunteers who sit on boards for housing committees in their communities). In his keynote speech, Peter Short drew many pictures for us...........and thanked us for the work we do.........how sometimes its just so difficult to find the motivation to leave our own homes for meetings in the middle of a snowy evening.........but you know what............do you know what picture came into my mind when he was speaking.............it was one of myself putting my coat on, bundling up and heading to a Home and School meeting...........wondering WHY I was doing this..............and then walking into the library of my son's school to be greeted by the warmest caring group of people who were there like me to make a difference.

The energy and the compassion felt when surrounded by the people who volunteer is all the motivation I need.......and I know you "get that........." You know this................Volunteerism is our best attempt at grassroots politics........its where community grows from...........doesn't it?

I consider myself a storykeeper and a storyteller, which is why I love writing..............which is why you'll always see me with my pen in hand and my black journal..............oh and a cup of tea nearby...........I love hearing stories and I love telling them. It's how I learn best....right in the middle of a damn good story. Its the most important thing we can share with someone else............a story.......

One of the most important lessons I've learned as a storykeeper and storyteller who finds her career home on the frontlines about human behaviour is that desperate hearts spill out desperate feelings which lead to desperate behaviour. But behind the desperate behaviour....behind that ugly mask is a vulnerable human being in need of love and validation. So in need of recognition. Peter Short spoke of this didn't he, and then he validated our work.............how good did that feel??

We have that chance to offer up this feeling moment for someone else too..........as people helping people, we have a grip on the dreams and hopes of some pretty darn vulnerable people, some of whom are desperate like we have never personally experienced before.......and some of their behaviour thrown our way is UGLY! Behind the mask of behaviour lies the vulnerable human being in need of love and validation.

WE all matter............we ALL matter.

This morning, we will look at how to deal with some of those challenging behaviours...............with this in mind. The beauty may be hidden behind the actions, but it's there. It just needs to be validated. We all need that...........

I shared stories................entertained.............spoke of passion and compassion...........even threw in a lesson on Transactual Analysis at one point............managed to teach them the basic tenets of Glasser's Choice theory.........that all behaviour is our best attempt at filling one of five needs.....Survival, Love and Belonging, Power/Self Directness, Fun, Freedom.

Yes, there I was walking around the front, engaging a large group in a ballroom of a hotel.....with my tone of voice, my enthusiasm, myself.

After 2 hours of listening, doing, thinking..............I left them with the last thought..........

"We are not called by God to do extraordinary things, but to do ordinary things with extraordinary love. "

Then, God provided a personal life unfolding lesson on just those words.

While I was delivering this workshop, my husband and my son had a ride in an ambulance together to our hospital. I got word as soon as I stepped out of the ballroom.....to call a friend. Before I knew it, I was sitting up in the emergency room awaiting results of a CAT scan on my husband. He had awaken with double vision, a headache and numbness on his left side. We both thought it was stress, because well we have both earned some numbness. But, it turned out Jamie had had a minor stroke. They found a very tiny bleed...........a pinprick on a blood vessel is how a friend explained it. This was causing the symptoms he was experiencing.

Since Saturday, the symptoms have almost gone away. He is being cared for by a group of nurses and our doctor who have been fabulous. It has been very traumatic, very stressful and shocking. Shocking! Today we are waiting to see the neurologist to see how things stand and I'm hopeful he will be coming home with me today. His vitals are all good..........he's walking, talking, has full strength in all limbs. His thoughts are clear.............and his eyesight is still a bit blurry. We are both anxious, understandably, but we will weather this.

When you live "away from home," away from family, you tend to develop friendships that are deep and supportive. You nurture them and they nurture you just like family. We have lived away from our families for our whole marriage.......20 years and have developed strong bonds with our friends..........they know we can be counted on to be there for them like family and we rely on them as well. It is the extraordinary love thing Jean Vanier spoke of...........

Our friends have flooded us this weekend with support and love.........it has left me filling many cups with tears. I can safely now say that almost every single one of my friends in this city has seen me cry or at least heard me on the phone. Their offers have been phenomenal........dropping everything and coming to our assistance.

I am supposed to be getting on a plane tomorrow for a week away. It's a very meaningful (to me) little trip across the pond...........one that I am wholeheartedly looking forward to and in fact have been bouncing off the walls with my energized enthusiasm (don't be scared Pip!). My friends and co-workers are well aware of this....... they really havent been able to miss it. And so.......we have been overwhelmed in such a good way with offers of help, food and support. It has turned the whole trauma into an awareness of the many blessings we have living and embracing us daily.

Something happens............life as we know it stops for a breather.........forces us to evaluate quickly. A shedding of redundant stuff we carry around slips off. We are left with the gifts of love and belonging, of encouragement, and of the knowledge that many many people in our lives, people whom we spend our weekends with, our holidays with..........our beautiful friends are there to pick us up and perform the ordinary things with extraordinary love.

I'm finishing this blog post off sitting in the family room of the pediatric ward in the hospital. Yes, they put my husband on the kids ward! Its the perfect place for him.......he's always been a child at heart, with an office of wind up toys, a penchant to play road hockey at any time, and a desire to organize a party just for the hell of it. Anytime I've told someone where Jamie is housed right now they laugh and say........."that's perfect!" As I type this, my son Max and his Dad are sitting together watching the ballgame, having dinner and catching up on the day. You'd think we were sitting in our living room at home........

We are going to be fine.................more than fine........because love always makes it alright. It matters. It's what matters.

shoot for the moon, land in amongst these stars.

Big drama week at Garden Creek School this week. These wonderful kids along with their two dedicated teachers have been practising their play for months now and performed it with great gusto yesterday. Hilarity ensued and the audience, which consisted of moms and dads, aunts and uncles, grandparents, brothers and sisters and the rest of the student body loved every minute of it! Standing ovations all around!

Today, the cast and crew, number in the 70's hopped on a couple of buses and headed up river to a school Drama festival to perform their original play, which was written by one of their teachers. They came in second place as a cast and several members won separate awards. These three "blackberry addicts" below won for best group performance. My little business guy is sitting on the right playing the straight man like only he can. Even though I keep telling him that he has to grow up to be an Engineer or a Stock Broker because of his incredible math brain, so he can send his Momma on big trips in style, he yearns to be a stand up comedian. He may be on the real right track.

The play takes place in the city, which included a disco scene. It was so darn funny. The kids completely got into character....... It was a meeting between the country folk and the city folk, a sequel to the play last year when the city folk were stranded in the country. Some of these kids have been in both plays.

Village people of course.............they got right into it! I loved being there to see them perform. Most of these kids have been in the same class together since Kindergarten.....and now they are just completing their last year as active "Creekers" and will move onto middle school next year. Where does the time go??

What is so wonderful about school plays is that its normally the first time these kids are offered a chance to learn about acting and production. When I was speaking to the two teachers tonight after they returned from the festival, I was told that they told the kids at the very beginning that this was a chance for them to leave their "real" selves outside the room so they could try to act like someone else............they definately took her up on this idea. There were as many boys involved as girls too, which I believe happened because the teacher who wrote and directed the play is a male and for some reason there is a differnet "cool" factor in play. Male teachers are few and far between at the elementary level............and this one is a true gem living his calling. The kids adore him............

Next week and the week after? It's my daughter's turn. She's starring in two plays Willy Wonka AND Romeo and Juliet!

I'm so amazed how much they enjoy this............as much as I love to teach and be up in front of a group, you couldn't pay me enough to act on stage. So, they have my complete and utter admiration.

thin places

The Irish have a term, which I really like, to describe a place or an event where one feels a reverential wholeness or holiness..........a stepping into a heightened awareness where our senses are boosted in a way that makes one feel lighter than the gravitational pull of the ordinary life. They call them "thin places....." It is a spot where one's faith is affirmed as it collides where hope and possibility dwell. It is a place where you feel that perhaps your prayer can slip through and be heard.


Personally, I think I have small moments when I've experienced this sensation and in the larger context of life, they seem to be fleeting moments. I guess it doesnt matter how transitory they were because the lasting feelings are grand in their impact. Most are connected to nature....a glorious sunset caught on a day when a sense of beauty is needed the most........a quiet evening in front of the fireplace on a cold winter night, with the snow falling outside......the first glimpse of a blue glistening lake from the end of a dock on a summer's day.....the moment where the sun seems to be captured on the boughs of a tall pine........

Thin places catch you when you feel a sense of integration, mind, body and soul. The moment when my daughter was placed in my arms for the first time and i knew she was healthy and perfect.....it was a thin place moment I shared only with my husband who was right there looking down on us. It felt like we were safely ensconsed, away from the hustle and bustle of the rest of the world, centred in a miracle.

They may be fleeting, but the sense of wonder capture in the realm of thin nestles deep into our hearts where they glisten like prayerful gems which reflect a dawning comprehension that we have been touched by grace. We need to seek out those thin places, and be receptive to the feelings they bring because I think these may be our best attempts at understanding the mystery.

what it is..........

morning fog over river.

“It’s not always obvious when a person is yearning. Yearning is an exquisitely private or secret condition. What is yearned is true. To yearn is to see. Yearning is the natural remedy for discontent, agitation, non-specific grievance, prickly sensibility, and similar modern ailments. Yearning is a well-tended hope which has ripened slowly into a sweet, sensuous prayer. Yearning brings poise to the imagination, a pleasant momentum to consciousness, and an angel who plays a lute which drowns out the sound of the traffic. Yearning lifts you up out of the courtroom, away from the judge, the police, the lawyers and the witnesses against you. It raises you out through the window and up into the sunshine and the beautiful blue sky”

Michael Leunig

It makes me wonder whether yearnings remain so until one expresses them openly..........until the words are found so that they can be shared with another? Or should we keep our yearnings secret as an internal motivator to be self directed in our actions?

thank you katie for sending me this wonderful quote.........i just had to share ........... see you soon!!

random yappy-ness

two simple threads

one is mine

the other is yours
begin to unravel in technicolour
wrapping like ivy around a trellis
leaving little purple blooms
in their wake.

I have a confession to make. I'm a random talker. In my mind it seems better than being a close talker or a slow starter or a non thinking talker I guess, but I believe it may be as irritating to some, especially those who have the strong need to begin and end one thought before they move onto another. Personally, those anal retentive types drive me to drink. In fact, when I find myself face to face with someone like this, I have a very difficult time focusing on the one note they need to play. I lose my train of thought. I have to really concentrate, especially if it's in a social situation, because my brain is tick ticking off in tangents.......so much so that i have to stifle the urge to WHOOOOSH.........take off on one of those topic tributaries.

I love the tributaries I guess.....stay on the main river and it's all been seen and heard before, but paddle down into an inlet and you never know where you'll find yourself.

It's not like I can't be linear when I'm communicating with someone. I am counsellor and trainer by trade for goodness sake. I have to be a bit disciplined. Though when I think about it now, the best counselling and training moments have been when things just flowed as it unfolded. However, as the lead in those situations I do have to be "on my game" or it would never make sense. I have to know what tributaries to pursue.

Writing is the same. If I want to get my point across, I have to stay within some kind of parameter or no one would read the tripe I write about. Not only that, I'd never finish anything. Random communication, whether it's speaking or writing has to have some concreteness to it. But if I had to describe my comfort zone, the place where I feel the most relaxed, it's when I don't have to reign myself in. I can let it fly, firing on all synapses without feeling like I have to slow down my ideas and thoughts.

I have a friend who used to be my supervisor and is now a sounding board support when I need him the most. What I love about him is his enthusiasm for ideas and his encouragement. He always takes the time to help me generate my abstract thoughts and the pictures in my head and somehow manages to encapsulate them and reflect them back to me. He allows me to be free to take flight, and I must admit that it always blows my mind when he is able to make some sense of what I have had to share with him! I always leave his office feeling so good.......especially after a long time in between connecting with him because as a random talker, I have a tendancy of storing it up until I have a chance to let it all hang out. Months can go by, and all of a sudden I wake up and have this unquenching urge to phone him and arrange to meet. It's like I've hit a saturation point and need to vent. Because he encourages me to use my brain and to unravel the ball of wool inside my head, I figure he must get some satisfaction out of the mental exercise. Or perhaps he's being nice. Maybe, he takes a swig of scotch just before I arrive in order to cope with my verbal discourse and then takes a nap when I leave!

Random talkers and thinkers definately need people in their lives who ground them. Thank God there are a few around me. What's interesting is that I am considered a "grounder" for some who seek me out. Maybe that's what mentoring is really about.

I also have a few friends socially whom I would label as random talkers. Its a breath of fresh air when I'm around them, and I have a feeling they feel the same way because they too can relax and let it flow as it unfolds. Tonight, one such friend was over for dinner......and it was an impromptu arrangement too. Personally I love spontaneity like that........to me it goes with the randomness. But for her, it was a huge deal to simple say yes on the spur of the moment. Maybe she also needed a night of random yapping. Well, I know she did, because we flew through 50 different topics all in one conversation. It was grand!


What is so interesting, and I realized this tonight in the middle of talking about something completely different is that most random conversations usually do have a theme, or they have a core to the subject matter which seems to rise up from the debris to be revisited time and again throughout an evening. This is what usually happens..........

The conversation will start up without any effort whatsoever.......usually beginning with sharing a common interest thing............"have you read that article..........." or "did you hear so and so interviewed the other day........." or "I saw something the other day and I thought of you because......" It's usually seems like it's going to be a one trick pony kind of chat, but with two random talkers? It turns into a buffet table covered in too many treats to consume. And yet, there is one big blossoming centrepiece which is revisited over and over. You just see it from different angles.

Tonight, the theme was the presence of faith and how it underlies all of our decisions, whether it's embraced or not. DEEEEEP! However it didn't have a feel of a dissertation. Rather, it was a culmination of shared thoughts that began the moment she arrived while standing in the kitchen as I poured the wine and prepared dinner and never stopped. It was GREAT.

Can I just make an aside point here in the middle of this post? Do you know difficult it is to write about random talking in a linear fashion?? HOLY! I have about 30 different examples and stories I want to explore and to share firing through my brain right now. Oh, and yes I have been asked if I was ever diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder.......by two random talkers! My response to them both? "I know you are but what am i??!" I mean really, who are they to ask such a question? :)

OK, back to the post......hmmmmmm.............



I'm thinking right now............right at this very minute.........that perhaps random isn't the way to describe it. From an insider view, it doesn't seem random at all. In fact, it seems more logical and more linear than other kinds of conversations. It just looks like it from the outside, because two random yappers somehow form a bubble around them. It's like the world has ceased as they connect on a level that transports. When you're in the bubble of thought, theres a union of the mind. Time races by unnoticed. Music playing in the background floats by. A whole drive somewhere happens without much gawking out the window of the car.

Most of the time, I'm aware of the fact when I'm with someone who isn't comfortable with this type of tete a tete. They find it tiring and mostly intimidating and if i'm not careful I can blow them away. I know this, because it's happened in the past when I have found myself on some tangent or am feeling restless and in need of a blood letting of thought. Can you see how writing and blogging is a friend for someone like me? It's a gift from the Big Guy, let me tell you.



Oh, I can spend inordinate amounts of time in my head and be very quiet. I love time alone not talking to anyone. I love spending time with someone I care about and not utter a word. I can putter about my day and not have a single indepth conversation and I'm completely fine about it. I hate talking on the phone, especially during the week after counselling/teaching all day long and when I'm in the middle of teaching a workshop, the last thing I want to do is head out for lunch with a group to rehash. I need to stay in the zone so to speak..........to stay focused so that I am at my best to lead a group through a learning process that will include many trips down tributaries.


Last night, one of the topics covered was my friend's recent trip with her husband to Victoria BC(who btw was having a random talk with my husband who I personally love having long undulating conversations with, he woo'd me that way). It's been many years since I spent a summer there working, so I had many questions and wanted to know much about their trip. She spoke of the long walk she and her husband took along the coast of the city. Such a beautiful place. Anyways, it reminded me of the boyfriend I had that summer and a walk we took and after my company had gone home, I started to unravel the memory.

We met in a bar. Nice start eh? Oh, and I should also add that he was a sailor. Yes, I met a sailor in a bar......big strappy muscle man sailor guy with a smile as.........? He asked me to dance. I consented. We danced one song and while we waited for the music to begin again, we began chatting........name, rank and serial number stuff.......for about 30 seconds and then he jumped into some topic of some sort and we were off to the races. We stood on the dance floor surrounded by others (can't remember if we danced again........I think we did) but we ended up talking and talking and talking, flying from one topic to another. We yapped for so long that all of his sailor buddies (who had dared him to ask me to dance) had left the BAR! After we got off the dance floor, we sat down at the empty table and continued until last call. We covered the gamut.....including as I recall a long conversation about morse code of all things! He had just placed first in some morse code competition, which personally I found hilarious but also curious about and given that his buddies had filled him up with good west coast beer, and given that he was way more extroverted than even me, he regaled me with story upon hilarious story!



A couple of weeks later, after he returned to port..........does this not sound like a dime store novel???.......... he called me and asked me out. We decided to meet downtown in Victoria at a tearoom since we lived on opposite ends of the city. We sat in the corner drinking tea..........drinking tea with a sailor!..........and the time flew by. We had much in common........ interests, where we had grown up, dreams etc. After what seemed like 5 minutes but was more like three hours, we closed the tearoom and headed out for a walk. Our random chatter accompanied us as we walked along the cliffs of the Victoria harbour taking in the view of Mount Baker located across the way in Washington state. The wind was blowing, the sky was big and the path we walked on was sometimes so narrow that we had to go single file. At one point, we crossed a crevice walking along a huge log. We continued sharing our thoughts over the din of the wind until we found an alcove cut into the side of the cliff looking outward.......big enough for the two of us to sit in and take in the view. It was breathtakingly beautiful.



We both went comfortably silent in the blare of the wind....the randomness had left us while we took in the view of the crashing waves and moving clouds. My own thoughts revolved around how large the universe looked from this vantage point and how small I felt in the middle of it. I also felt so alive and knew i would never forget the moment as i lived it. My random talking sailor? He turned to me and echoed my own thoughts.........."even though I feel so small right now in this big vast world, I feel so alive. There is no other place I'd rather be." Just what a girl wants to hear from her sailor man. :)

We had begun our conversation jumping around like two crazy people, but we ended up in just the right place. This is what happens most of the time with two random talkers. It may not look like they know where they are going, but for the most part they end up where they should be.

Friday night sunset......

Tranquil repose frames a captured breath shining down from God. There are no words to describe His art. It always leaves me seeking the silence between the breaths where possibility dwells. It always leaves me feeling more attuned to His presence all around me; a comforting assurance when the unknown of twilight takes command, when it seems like the right time to pray.

My restlessness tampers with my pursuit of holding the hand you can't see and i'm left wondering if tranquility is an illusion, or if it is truly possible to calm the hunger pains? Twilight seems like the temptress of destiny... rhapsodically alluring as it teases my senses.

consenting.........

trio of beauty

"Why am I afraid to tell you who I am -

because if I tell you who I am,

and you don't like who I am,

that is all I have"

I first read this quote on Pip's blog a while ago and it has always resonated with me. This one small confession seems to sum up all of the reasons why we choose so many masks to cover up our real selves. We fear rejection. We fear judgement, especially from someone whose opinions matter. We fear that naked vulnerablity which accompanies new disclosures. It's like being asked to stand on a podium in broad daylight without a stitch of clothing on while others poke, prod, stare, gasp even. Stifled giggles, and comments behind your back..........these are the fears which stop us from showing off ourselves. People can be so darn mean. Even close friends and family can strip you of your confidence to show your true colours.

We also have such an urge to fit in......not be considered too different from the pack. Part of this is needed for survival within the pack, but mostly it's where the comfort zone lays. Too brassy and you'll turn people off...........too mousy and no one will pay attention. So, we stay within the zones of acceptable roles, and that's fine if we are sharing ourselves within those roles. But when we hide in those roles, we lose our selves. We lose our identity.

There is nothing more reassuring and confidence boosting than acknowledgement and acceptance. We crave it.........crave to be loved as we are, warts and all. When we do manage to find the guts to strip off the labels, the clothing, the protection and display ourselves as we are and are not accepted, our instinctive reaction is to go hide deep in a cave of self despair where true identity is melted into a mass of rejection. It's just too painful to try again. It's too painful to be that vulnerable again. We automatically shut down to a point where we arent even honest with ourselves about our own identities.

Should we rely on other's opinions and reactions? It is only human nature. I believe we do crave this, but I also believe that we have far more control over how someone reacts to what we have shared. It comes from finding the comfort of knowing ourselves first. If I am accepting of my own strengths and weakness, of the gifts I can share and the deficits I need to fill, of my of skills as well as the areas I need help in, then I can be genuinely be comfortable displaying who I am. I am the one who reflects my identity, and if I am confident in who I am and how I strut my stuff, than I can release an energy which is attractive. Not that its easy.....its never easy being naked and vulnerable when consenting to show just who you are the first time. But what is a life if one doesn't show what you're made up of?

"Why am I afraid to tell you who I am -
because if I tell you who I am,
and you don't like who I am,
that is all I have"

I think this quote touches me because it makes me realize we are all a little bit scared revealing our identities. Sometimes we think we are the only ones frightened to show up in life.....that we're all separate from everyone else. Not true. In fact, I think every single person on this planet has said this statement before........in words, in their inactions, in their defensive feelings. Its good to know we aren't alone in our fears........its good to know that perhaps the person you have consented to show your identity too is feeling just a little bit frightened of the stage too.

So......Here I am..........yes it's true

And here's the song to accompany....enjoy!

The prompt this week at writers island is Identity.............for more revealing bits, check it out.

Fredericton flood, part deux.

My office downtown has no power and is closed until further notice because of the flooding. However, the river crested yesterday, so levels should be receding soon........much damage has been done and my heart goes out to the people whose livelihoods and homes have been affected directly. There are many...........

The levels didn't quite make the 1973 level, but very very close. My friend Charles has some AMAZING photos of downtown yesterday.........check out his blog...........there are a few pics that are classic!! He has one of two people in a canoe paddling on the ROAD near the underpass. And I love the one of the guy sitting on a bench surrounded by water! Charles also managed to capture the Premier seemingly walking on water. But the most dramatic shot Charles has shared is the one of Officers Square completely submersed.

(For my bloggie friends from other parts of this planet..........my office is half a block away from there...... )

Here is the link to Charles' blog.........he'd love it if you left a comment too!

Here are a few photos I took yesterday...............

Downtown parking lot........ .... in the background, the ramp from Westmorland Bridge.... submersed in the waters.... Below?? I thought the writing on the side of this car was hilarious given the circumstances......

Above: MacTaquac Dam.......working over capacity yesterday. The dam is located about 10 minute drive up river from where I live. It was a tourist rubber necking mecca yesterday! Lots of camera clicking happening there!!

Below: The Bucket Club and Hartt Island Campground, which is less than a mile from my home. The whole campground area was flooded.....the waterslide going right into the murky (and stinky btw) water! Lots to clean up after the water recedes!!

Above: View from Springhill Road..........no islands, just treetops....

Below: I think this guy wanted a starring contest. I won. Beautiful creatures, but so stunned!