reflections

I arrived in London raw and exhausted, but full of energy. It was the unsettling kind though....the restless kind that churls and surges in your system. The unharnessed but compressed energy was so powerful, it felt like it was going to crack open my skin and pour all out onto the pavement. My thoughts drove my feelings in a way that I didn't feel like I had much control of them, nor an understanding of how to figure it out. I had left behind me a major crisis with my husband and his health, a pile of untouched work on my desk, issues pertaining to the state of how things were still manipulatively incomplete (and more importantly stressfully mismanaged) with respect to my husband's parent's wills. Even the seemingly smaller things around the house were piling up so fast and furious that they just added to the bedlam in my churling inner world. The tears and the rage roared. I was spent.

The people around me could see it..............feel it...................HEAR it. I was a scattered, anxious, worried, overtaxed, cornered, energized mess. Not a great place to be when one has to make some decisions, and when one is in need to be strong for others and for oneself. This is where I was at. Life at it's messy pinnacle.

It was through the understanding and support of these friends and family.........of my closest friend Anne telling me to GO ahead with my plans at the same time reassuring Jamie too and promising to step into my home to make it run while I went away........of my parents and sisters encouraging not to cancel my trip............of my dearest friends who all said the same thing.........."I've never seen you more excited about anything.....go and we'll be there to look after things"............of all the people in my life who love me and my family so much that they cooked and cleaned, they visited and drove my children to their various activities, who took them in for two days while my husband began his healing while settling back into our home, who stayed with him during the day keeping him company and reassuring him that he was going to mend and feel like himself again, who dropped off movies, magazines, flowers and food..............who even fixed my front steps reinforcing the concrete that had crumbled over winter.

My sister said............."be a receiver. Let everyone do what they want for you..........they are offering...........accept their offers and go..........."

But, it was when my 14 year old daughter told me in the van on the way to school the day I was to be packing my suitcase and leaving all of this behind that I truly made my decision without guilt and without anymore comtemplative rumination that she wanted me to go.......... it was important for me to have a break and to do something for myself. This was one of the major threads which was keeping me in a mishmash of a holding pattern. When she said this, i knew my children were independently strong enough to let go of me for a week while they too let others help along with helping themselves. My daughter, the one who has held on tightly to my skirts since she was a baby and as a shy little girl..........who needs the reassurance to settle her overactive imagination especially at night when she wakes in the dark still............who was wracked with anxiety the first two nights after her Dad was admitted to the hospital and ended up by my side again on the couch as the only place where sleep would find her, who was also right in the middle of her own important milestones with new friends and two different productions in the offing (rehearsals every night etc)...........it was when she showed her confidence to let go of me and told me that it was my turn to have some fun........... I made my decision to carry on with my plans without worry. Personally, I think she was sick of seeing me meltdown!

I began reading Anam Cara, John O'Donahue's book on the plane home last night.....his words are like a bowl of comfort food topped with special. You want to devour it, but the savouring is the only way to let the tastebuds absorb it's essence. He wrote, "A friend is a loved one who awakens your life in order to free the wild possibilities in you.........." He believed that "true vitality is hidden in the longing.............." As I read the words one taste at a time, I heard his lyrical voice in the authenticity of his own shared learning, realizing very quickly that my longings to spend a week unchurling and unfurling had a different meaning............it was the road to finding vitality again. It had been an emotionally circuitous venture, and the only way it happened was to embrace the support of friends and family who showed their concern and love by lifting us all up with their strong arms.

No one can truly live without friends and family to help, to love, to guide, to be there................to be there.............. you can have everything in the world. You can have all the nice things in life to surround you, but if you don't have people in your life who care and understand you, and who will allow you to do the same, life has no meaning. O'Donahue also states..........."our feelings towards our friends reflect our feelings towards ourselves.........." Nothing is more important to me that the people in my life whom I love. Nothing. And how does that reflect back on my own feelings of myself?

I got on a plane tired, spent, unsure but also determined, excited, focused..........and feeling like I was heading across the pond to solidify through connection live and for real because of the love and support.........because of the guidance offered by such good friends and family.............because I have a daughter who understands her Momma's needs as well as I understand hers.

I have many stories to share..........many reflections both the navel gazing type and the funny incidents. They will spill and drip out of me over the course of the next week or so. Last night, I picked up my daughter from her dress rehearsal..........opening night is tomorrow night. When we got home and I pulled out the "gypsy-like" goodies I picked up for her at Camden on Saturday..........she said to me how home is never the same without me, and that she can relax now. At that, she tried on her new flowy skirts and dangling earrings..........then pulled on her pyjamas and crawled into her own bed for a sound sleep.

I am forever grateful to everyone who lifted us up...............my heart beats with new positive energy. I can feel it's rhythm once again. I can taste the champagne.............and feel the bubbles tickle my nose........thank you, thank you.

"Possibility is the secret heart of time. Possibility is the secret heart of creativity........." John O'Donahue.

Let us dwell in that place called possibility............and thrive on the love of the people around us who only want the best of life and all it's drama. And for goodness sake.............make sure there's champagne on hand. xo