Monday, August 16, 2010

oh, the very thought of it.........

I have had enough surprises to last me a lifetime.  As much as I am a pretty spontaneous person, the very thought of any more surprises in the next 10+ years just makes my skin crawl.   Predictability is a very rare occurance, and most days I seem to bump into something I hadn't expected nor prepared myself for.  For the most part I can laugh at the crazy stuff surprises  because they usually arrive inside a parcel filled with absurdism. Then there are some which are difficult to slough off.  They are the ones that knock me off balance. 

Looking back in reflection, I have also been thrown by gut busting enlightenment particularly about my marriage which in turn has foisted me into this wide eyed realization that how I had looked at an event, a comment, a conversation etc was completely untrue.  Those surprises hurt.  I find them so emotionally charged that I try not to dwell on the inevitable second guessing that happens when one is left in the ditch. 

The kind of bewilderment I'm most fearful of right now is something I am trying to avoid.  Surprises around my birthday.   I have never been one who enjoys surprise parties in my honour.  I appreciated the effort, but I did not like it.  Some people love them and thrive on their night of nights. ME?  No thank you. 

In less than a month, I turn 50 and I know exactly how I want to celebrate. In the afternoon, I want to play a game of baseball at some local field.  Then in the evening  I want a corn roast.  In my backyard.  No gifts.  No surprise guests ..... PLEASE!!!!!  Just music, merriment, and ME hosting.  

I want a campfire.  I want the kids and my friends kids to join us....... and I want to stay busy entertaining people in my home.  This is how I can manage this emotional day.  In an environment which is now safe and welcoming, I want to give back to the group of friends who are in my life day to day who have helped me get back on my feet.   This is how I have envisioned the day unfolding for a few months now.  As much as I have no control over how most of the events in my life unfold,  it is my hope that I will be granted this birthday wish.  Let me serve.  This will make me happy.

No surprises.
No secrets.
No stress.
No "this is your life" moments....
No exceptions.

I've had enough.  I've cried enough too.   I don't want to cry on my birthday and if one surprise comes bounding through the door, I will lose the precarious self control I am holding onto. 

Except Billy Joel.  If he wants to just us for a corn roast, he's welcome.


Hamid said...

Dear Awareness, Happy Birthday.

Twain12 said...

from somebody that doesn't like surprises either...have a wonderful day just the way you envision it ♥

Anonymous said...

I have discovered that each passing decade is more interesting and fun than the previous one.

May your 50's be full of joy and excitement!

Happy birthday (in advance)


Mark said...

I completely understand. Hope your friends and family are listening and not second guessing you.

Happy Birthday! Hey 50 is the new 30!

awareness said...

Thanks Hamid. My birthday isn't until Sept. I've got a way to go.

Twain.... As much as I know that 99 percent of the time the way we envision something is not how it ends up and I've learned to accept that most of the time, I am still hopeful that it unfolds how I see it. Does that make me an optimist?

Anon.... the jury is still out, but given how this one has disastrously ended, I'm open to taking a peak at it. AND, I am looking back on the past decade too making sure I see all of the amazing events and smaller moments that have occured in my life. If I can say anything, the past decade has been one of tremendous personal growth and much deeper relationships.... even meeting a few who have become very dear to my heart.... one in particular who lives across the pond in a far far away place called England. hahhaa!

Mark.... I think they will. I thought I had been clear that my intentions were to give thanks to them.... and to fill this home with smiles and love, but I think I've been heard now.

Anonymous said...

I am also not one for surprises, particularly when there have been lots of emotional highs and lows in the recent past. I get what you mean completely.

Your vision of your birthday sounds wonderful. I sure do hope it turns out that way for you. And you never know, Billy might just be in the neighbourhood and decide to drop in!