i thought i was ready..........

Dear God, 

I stopped walking. My journey halted abruptly.

My choice.

I thought I was ready for a rest.

I thought I would be ready to sit still to read, to write,

to focus on the daily tasks inviting me back

I thought I was ready for some lovin' fun.  

God knows I was lacking. 

It seemed like the natural inclination, 

to rest from a deep seated exhaustion

to recharge, rekindle the light of Eros.

Love and belonging.... to fill that cup of love and belonging. 

Instead, the walking continued, 
this time it was in the form of a pace........ 

directionless missteps with too many unneeded ones.

Overwhelming expectations breathed dragon heat on my neck.
not wispy kisses.

Instead, I spun around enough to make me dizzy.  

Spinning never gets you where you want to go.  

It just leaves heat on the soles of your feet....

friction burns from assimilated repetitious actions

and a mixed up brain.

Every now and then, I'd sit with blistered feet

with high hopes of receiving a massaging balm

from strong warm hands. 

Tender touches

How I longed for those hands to hold me.

 

By then, my thoughts were jumbled,

my breathing was burdened,

my feelings had flown out of me 
like scattered stars in a night sky. 

Desperation only leaks from this chaos. 

Love looks and feels like hungry chaos in the mean hours.

Shadow boxing driven by the ache of loneliness

zapped my energy time and again.

I'd reach up to the heights of joyful anticipation

only to be slapped down 
with the dramatic force of the glove of realization.

Boxing glove brutality. 

I'd seek out illusions in hopes that the oasis welcomed me into its beauty.

I didn't recognize them as illusions.  

No, I saw them as truth.  

It was never solid enough to grasp onto.... 

the oasis was sand spilling out of open hands 
of one dimensional one liners. 

They were the wrong open hands. 

Love amiss. 

Love is not one errant kiss.

Stuck in transit,

I wallowed in lonely unmet needs,

clouding over personal reflections.

I lifted up the mirror. 

No images formed. 

Just faceless silouettes arcing out of silver glass.

The yearnings market crashed all around me,

sending shards of desires through an already splintered heart.

I lost my way. 

I ran the other way.

I went deaf to the calling of my name.

Still,  I spun inside the yearnings of Eros.

I thought I was ready. 

I thought the comfort could be found in strong arms

I saw love as the potion to pull me up out of mired loneliness.

I forgot You.

I forgot how to find You.

You let me feel the rawness of an unprotected heart.

And I cursed every single time I landed on my knees alone.

I forgot the words of prayer.

Wiped out after pacing......

Stripped of all semblance of balance, 

I sought solace under the covers on hot humid days 

with only the fan to keep me cool..... 

white noise to drown out a heavy heart.

 Stillness of an empty bed.

Last night, 

empty and disappointed, 

I remembered a few things. 

Your love is what matters most. 

Your love is what supports me through the spinning chaos of healing

It is Your love that helps me heal the blister burned feet.

God, I reckon this will not the be last time I have to learn this lesson. 

Spinning at first feels like a fun activity, 

though interest grows weak 

repetition sneaks in the pain 
when you're not paying attention. 

At least it emptied me

Emptied me enough to let You in again. 

Just in time.

I will walk again...... 

forward, with two steps back every now and then

Still.

You under my feet, as always

You never forget me..... 
sometimes I'm too full that I falter and forget You, God.
Maybe I don't forget.
Maybe I just misplace myself.

Walking in prayer, 

unraveling the confusion.

finding solace

And all around me......... your encouraging echos

I will hear

Reassurance.

Love, the unconditional hymn you hum

to lost souls like me

doing the best that I can to find my way back to the fold. 

God, will you hold up that mirror for me?

Let it reflect on the Beauty of this day 
you have given me as a gift
to breathe in Your love? 

Let me hold the Hand I cannot see

and feel the warmth of being held again.

I am ready.  I am ready to pray again.

Will you show me how to again?