Tuesday, February 17, 2009

no longer waiting....

I will be more than grateful to see the sorry ass of this particular day and its only half over. Hoping and wishing on a star, I was for the past couple of weeks to hear the sweet smiling words..."I'm calling to offer you the position........" The signs were all there to feed my hope. Good energy in the interview and a mutual feeling that I fit in with this crew. Unbelievable positive feedback after many of my answers (that's never happened before...usually interviewers are so anal that they keep their heads down and write like crazy people to capture every flipping word you express so as to cover their butts come decision time....oh, and to compare them afterwards once the candidate has left the building...SPENT) I heard things like

"wow, you nailed it"
"great answer. you were able to pinpoint the specific issue"
"yes, that's a counselling theory we rely on here too...great!"

I had them smiling, laughing, engaged.......lots of nodding in agreement. When I shared my secret as to why I love counselling so much (the counsellor always seems to gain insight and new learning just as much or even more than the client....) I received 4 smiling nodding responses because it was their secret too!!!

After the interview, I was invited to have a tour of the office. I was introduced to all the other staff....chatted with them for a bit. Twice when being introduced, they told their colleague that I had just completed an "amazing" interview.

One of my references was contacted and was so wonderful and excited for me....he gave me a glowing reference. I received an email explaining that the selection process was taking longer than anticipated and "thank you for my patience..." So...........you can see why I thought........this may unfold as I would like. I just may find a new home where I could ply my two passions......my two gifts I have to offer this crazy planet.....counselling and facilitating.

Ring, ring........."unfortunately we have decided to go in another direction and have offered the position to someone else....."

And what direction might that be? And could I get some feedback on why I wasn't chosen? WELL, these questions made them very uncomfortable. I was told I caught them off guard with my questions. I was told to email any questions I had and they would be more than happy to respond. You call someone who was obviously in the running right until the end when some kind of twist was thrown into the mix with a generically packaged "good news/bad news" bullshit and don't expect to hear that the unlucky candidate has some questions??? Of course I want to know why I didn't get the job!! Of course I want an explanation as to how I could've read the whole process wrongly! I want to know where I screwed up, so I can learn from it and move on!!

So...the waiting is over. I flooded my office with gulping angry tears and burbling idiocy....my face is all patchy and red and puffy. But, I'm fine. Why? Because the waiting is over. I'm not in stall mode anymore. I HATE stall mode. My creative brain is NOW open again to take a few other ideas off the shelf and continue on.
But, more importantly....much more importantly,......a wonderful group of colleagues and my caring supportive supervisor rushed into my office and hugged me and listened to me try to burble things out.....and shed a few tears with me because they felt so badly. I was told I was loved and valued. And in the middle of my little personal crisis, a beautiful friend held my hand and said a prayer for me....asking God to help me figure out how to settle and how to recognize how valued I am.

In a government office........not typically one envisions an office eh? I love it.

It wasn't meant to be...for whatever reason it wasn't meant to be.....

To everyone out there who had the fingers, eyes, toes and legs crossed for me I want to thank you for that. I can't tell you how wonderful it made me feel..... Today, when I emailed my blogger friend, breadbox....aka....."N." who has been with me everyday asking and wondering and sending me upbeat encouragement, he suggested I listen to a favourite anthem of his ....one I too love as well. My husband sent me the link to the following youtube version of Stan Rogers' inspiring song, The Mary Ellen Carter.... I watched the video which includes a terrific story at the beginning told by a sailor whose ship turned over in a storm and how he survived it....and I could FEEL the zip, zap and bouncy buzz fill back into me again..... Oh my God! How can you not feel the energy return listening to lyrics like these.....

And you, to whom adversity has dealt the final blow
With smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go
Turn to, and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain
And like the Mary Ellen Carter, rise again.

Rise again, rise again - though your heart it be broken
And life about to end
No matter what you've lost, be it a home, a love, a friend.
Like the Mary Ellen Carter, rise again.

Enjoy Stan Rogers....Canada's beloved singer/storyteller who died tragically in 1983 in a plane crash..... his big booming voice and inspirational lyrics carry on..


thank you Neil for suggesting I revisit this. thank you Jamie for sending it to me.

Is it happy hour yet?


winterpainter said...

I'm so sorry...
good for you for asking the questions you did..though i'd be surprised if you got a real answer..
Your department is very lucky to have you!!

Awareness said...

thanks Heather...and thank you for bearing with me through this. I does suck, but I'm more relieved its over. The waiting just about did me in. Now, I can look at my ideas for the market! hahaha!

Awareness said...

oh, and Heather?? I think we both know the answer. Sad, sad...

Anonymous said...

Mmmmm...something smells a bit fishy Dana but then you know that right?

You had every reason to be confident. Hell I would have rocked up the day after the interview, loaded up with my personal effects and asking where they would like me to put them.

I'm sorry for the frustrating wait, the ultimate disappointment and the outpouring of emotion but everything for a reason Dana...a purpose in everything.

I'm glad your colleagues were there for you when you needed a hug.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you didn't get the position, but everything has its reason right?

I'm happy you can smile again.

Awareness said...

gypsy....to quote Loudon Wainwright III(papa of Rufus) "there's a dead skunk in the middle of the road and its stinking to high heaven."

I'll never know for sure what happened, but have a few good ideas.

But, must move on...wait til you hear my lastest crazy ideas! A greeting card series!! And an online market.!!! Coming soon as soon as I can explore my imagination and draw the plans out a little more concretely.

My colleagues have always been so supportive and like family. The frontlines is a tight/closed knit place to be. I love them for it.

Tabitha...thank you! You're right, there is a reason for this...

Brother David said...

So pleased to read further, that you are smiling and appreciated; the hugs and support must have been a God send.
Keep going girl.

Anonymous said...

fucking sucks..... sorry - was rooting for you! agree with angel - can smell fish!

Awareness said...

David...it did feel otherworldly somehow. the whole scene unfolding in my office and the support shared was so spontaneous and heartfelt. I'm very grateful to be working with the people I do.

Paul...fishy is the aroma i sniff too, but not much i can do about it....if i was to raise a stink in this small city i'd be shooting myself in the foot.

hey, did you watch the video? You remember the festival your friend Martin performed at last summer in Canso Nova Scotia? It's the annual tribute to Stan Rogers...his brother who is also in the video and still performs (often stan's songs) and other family organized it. Promotes folk and maritime music. I'd love to attend one day, but it's a bit of a hike from here. Anyways...Martin was there last year.

just a little trivia for you my friend.

ps...am inspired by your happy feet news though and will continue to seek opportunities.

swile67 said...

dana i'm so sorry but so glad you are "rising again!" I will continue to pray for you my bloggy friend , soon to be meet in person friend!!!"

BreadBox said...

For what little I could do, you are welcome. For what you posted, a video I'd not seen, I am grateful.

And to you, I'm glad you are feeling capable of rising again.

As ever,

Gilly said...

Really sorry for you! Life's a ***** sometimes.

Rise above it, you are better than they are!

Awareness said...

Karyne...a good nights sleep and i'm feeling a little more open minded about things to come. thanks.

N...I am. I'm not good with the waiting part, and I raged on for a bit, but I'm dusting myself off and carrying on.
Great video, eh? Love the story at the beginning. It puts things into perspective.

Gilly....life does throw many curveballs that's for sure. In that regard, we all have much in common. :)

Rainbow dreams said...

sorry it didn't work out Dana.. have been thinking and hoping for you, something will turn up I am sure, Katie

Awareness said...

Thanks Katie. I don't know why the universe seems to be against me, but will keep trying.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Your expereience is so very reminiscent of similar things that happen in Show Business--and Acting Jobs, (Or any other kind of jubs, too, I would imsgine.)
They LOVE you; they tell you your reading was phenomenol, etc., etc., etc., You wait. And wait some more, feeling REALLY Good about the reading you gave and pleased that THEY felt good about it, too....And then your agent calls and says: "They decided to go another way...."
And the truth is, it may have NOTHING to do with you doing anything wrong, at all! While you were there, they told you YOU did everything right, and more. So...."going a different way" or "another way"....What does it all mean??

I bet Dana, it doesn't have one thing to do with YOU, but something to do with them and all I can say is---THEY MADE A HUGE HUGE Mistake! They will be the lesser for it and something much much better will come along!

Awareness said...

Naomi...your analogy helped me reframe my thinking and i thank you. It did feel like that. I know in my head it was something nebulous and not much to do with me...well, sort of....but am trying to get there. I did send my "questions" in an email, even though I'm sure the answers won't be truthful.
Dammit! They did make a mistake!! But, gotta move on now....it wasn't meant to be.

Independent Chick said...

Oh Dana, I'm just reading this now, sorry to hear. To take the bitchy route...they don't deserve you anyway! The right thing will come, I have no doubt!! Chin up. : )

Awareness said...

Stacey...thanks for leaving a comment...It absolutely sucks and I'm kind of wallowing in it tonight. I'll get over it, but was really positive this was going to pan out. It was the first time in so long where I felt like I fit. Too many signs pointing to a positve result. I did send an email with a bunch of questions...sent it on Wed. havent heard a damn thing. I'm sure before I get a response, if I do, it will be reviewed by the HR legal team. fishy, fishy...