a matter of trust

Trust men and they will be true to you,
treat them greatly and they will show themselves great.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

If you grew up in Canada in the 60's or 70's, you would automatically feel a sense of comfort and belonging if you were to ever hear the melody of the folk song "Early One Morning" being played on a tin whistle and harp. It is a song that even as an adult I can automatically wet my lips and whistle to. If I hummed the first bars, the majority of my friends would easily start humming along. Not only that, they would smile in remembrance of one Friendly Giant, a giraffe puppet named Jerome and a rooster named Rusty who invited us into an imaginative castle every morning to join them. Always the same greeting.........the inviting music, and this familiar welcome from the Friendly Giant himself to cuddle up by the fireplace. "Oh there's lots of room," he'd say as his GREAT BIG HAND would move the chairs closer to the warmth as he gently encouraged us to choose the place we wanted to settle in............

"One little chair for one of you, and a bigger chair for two to curl up in, and for someone who likes to rock, a rocking chair in the middle." The Friendly Giant, dressed in his medieval castle outfit, used his voice, and his reliable movements and words to pull us into a place where we would feel safe, as his finger moved the rocking chair back and forth, back and forth.

"Look up! Look WAAAAAAAAY up!" The camera would then scan slowly up from the chairs all the way up to the Friendly Giant's face. He would be smiling. His eyes twinkling. And the morning TV show would begin...............every morning for 27 years on the CBC.

Just like his American buddy, Captain Kangaroo, "Friendly" knew how to set the right environment for us to trust him. They were both believable gentle souls who always smiled and who always talked to you like you were an equal.

You want to engage someone, create a setting where someone feels safe enough to spill their hearts? It doesn't take much, but it takes a whole lot.............do you know what I mean? I can list the ingredients, but it's the authenticity behind the ingredients that have to be felt by the heart and believed by the head. It's all a matter of trust. It takes a whole lot of yourself to make it happen.

I have worked with so many individuals whose trust boundaries were mangled beyond recognition. Consequently, they have put up thick fortresses to buttress both meanness and kindness. They don't want to risk being hurt again, understandably. Often because of their upbringing and subsequent unhealthy relationships which consistently reinforced the angst of mistrust, the human beings I work with have never ever experienced safety that lasted. They may have been lured in by a siren-like intimacy only to realize they have lost another chink of innocence. When I think about how wounded some of my clients are because of this, it leaves me feeling so sad and sorry for them. Time and again, they have reached out for the trust found in the sense of love and belonging only to be slapped back with nasty words or actions.

So, how do you counteract this? How do you set up a scenario like the Friendly Giant? It's always nice to have the fire in the fireplace and the cozy chairs nestled in front, but that often isn't the case. No, more often than not, the physical environment may be a boardroom or an office. It could be right out on the street in the middle of life. It could happen sitting in a public foyer, in a church basement, driving in a car, at their kitchen table.......the settings all change. But the approach to developing the safeness of trust needed to engage in meaningful dialogue and learning is the same. You have to trust yourself enough to spill out a story of your own life. But before that, you need to pick up on the cues the other person gives you.....their "vibes." IF you're lucky, you may have a good idea of where the person may be coming from so that you can decide on just the right personal story you want to share.

sharing builds trust...........sharing a vulnerable part of you sets the stage for initmate conversational engagement. It's a risk.

The stories may change.................and the depth of disclosure alters greatly............but the sharing and openness produces a safe harbour. It sends the message..................you and I are the same. WE are equally a part of this big old goofy world. We may be taking different paths but that's fine. That's what makes life so very interesting and complicated at the same time. It starts with you, and then you listen..................asking the right questions, encouraging with your eyes and your full attention...........pulling them in to a safe spilling place where they feel like they are sitting comfortably in front of Friendly's fireplace.

One of the most important gifts we share with one another is our trust..........we do it through our tone, our open hearts, our personal stories, our listening ears and our smiling krinkling eyes. We do it through sending the message out that what you say matters, what you feel matters, and I am wanting to hear it all. No matter if it is one on one encounter or you're up in front of 400 people, it's the same method you use to pull people in...........to create a feeling of being in a clubhouse away from the rest of the world............to create a sense of sitting in front of the fireplace curled up in the chair for two.

Now..........here's the key ingredient......you ready for it?

Add a touch of tenderness.

When it works, its magical. When it works, it feels completely safe..................just right.

When it works, you leave the moment with enough positive energy you feel like you could light the fire with your own spark.