drifters

St. Andrews, New Brunswick

August, 2010

Worn and well past their original purpose, these tide drifters have a new function.  Their storied eloquence have been gathered to create an eye catching sculpture.  

Parallel drifters and floating markers, 

weathered grey pallor aside worn rouge

nestled together in testimony.

Crooked lines settled with elderly ease 

gifts from the tides

queued in comfort 

as the grass grows between their pose.

This week's Photography theme is parallel.  My parallel is always a bit rough and crooked.  I like it that way.  For more takes on the theme, go visit my friend Carmi at Written Inc.  He lives here......

beach glass

So, here I am, sitting at my dining room table in front of my computer.  I have a group of candles burning beside me as the only source of light.  Flickering light. Flickering thoughts as I reflect on blogging. I can't believe I have been writing here in my own little corner of the blog world for 5 whole years.  Who knew I was so yappy? 60 months, 1825 days, and 1458 posts!

5 years later?  Older. Wiser? hmmmm.......... That's debatable.  Have I learned anything? Yes.  Have I changed?  Oh yes, big shifts.  Have I matured?  No.  Have I acquired a few more pock marks, bruises and beauty marks?  Oh my God have I!  Do I still see the world through the lens of the absurd?  You bet.  Has my world expanded?  To infinity and beyond....... collecting blessings and life long friendships as I have ventured. Beautiful blessings that reach out to all corners of this global village we live, work and play in. 

Awareness.  It's a far reaching theme umbrella to write under.  It suits me perfectly because it has allowed me to practise my writing, to experiment with wordplay, to reflect on new learning, obervations, to share stories, to make up rhymes, to broaden and to dissect. Most importantly, it has provided me a forum for personal growth, spiritually, emotionally, cognitively while hopefully offering up my own learning to add to your own learning through stories, poetry, opinion, essays, photography.

I'm struck with the range of topics I've attempted to tackle.  To me, each post seems like a piece of beach glass that I either stumbled upon, or had carefully chosen to display.  Some have been rounded and softened by the rolling waves, some still have pointy angles to them.  Those ones hurt a bit when you close your hand around them.  Shards of glass, all uniquely shaped.  Some clear like the sheets of a window, while others opague with a layer of white chalk on them.  The ones which are the most pleasing to my eye come in light catching greens and rare cobalt blue or porcelain white.

Beach glass doesn't come from nowhere..... they all have an unknown history much larger and grander than the remnant left on the shoreline.  What you see when you pick it up to explore its texture, shape and colour is merely the tip of its story.  Just like the writing I do on this blog.  So much of  what I write is the mere tip of my life's observations.  But just like the beach glass, it is what ends up on the shore of my thinking.......it's what gleams in my thoughts that I end up capturing.   

I look at what I've written and see it as individual pieces.  Then, I stand back to look at the body of work as a whole and I see the mosaic patchwork created.  Under the theme of Awareness, this elemental montage forms a rough worn window on my soul.  If my soul is a cabin in the woods down by the water, this is one of the windows where the light gets in.  Peak through the collage of beach glass and you will see a part of who I am. Not all of me.  

This blog is a slice of my story.  It captures reflected observations, feelings and opinions.  There is so much more I either choose not to share, havent discovered or written about yet.  That's the thing about awareness.  Not only is is a broad theme..... it is an infinite one as vast as the oceans where beach glass is tumbled and molded. 

Miles to go before I sleep.

My blog is a work in progress.  My mosaic window is incomplete.  Just like me............ there is more to learn.  There is more to explore.  There is more to reflect upon.  I am a work in progress.  Just like you!  A human becoming.....

5 years and counting........... I love this place and it warms me right down to my painted toenails that you seem to enjoy it too.  :)

 

painting by Valerie Leri

life's reality

Pour yourself a glass of complications, 

life never comes with ease.  

As much as we strive for simplicity, 

it just ain't in our genes.  

You could say you want only simple things, 

I can say I want the same, 

but when it comes to human interaction, 

it never works out that way. 

Let me be touched by the simple gifts,

do not mire me in doubt.  

Don't let strings snag my spirit

when I am trying to live without. 

Crumple up your demanding neediness, 

I have no time for that. 

Then again, what's life without complications?

Its how we interact. 

Its how we interact.

It's how we interact.

Complications add the spice in life.

Its the elixir in a drink.

Its what heighens our awareness

It's what forces us to think.

Without seeming mass confusion, 

there be no need for clarity.

Pour yourself a glass of complications

Sip on life's reality. 

it lingers.........

I hear it echo from distant dreams

soft chaunting hymns beckoning me

to return to its harmonic flame.

I see it shimmer through shards of light

beyond my reach, inviting me

to gaze into its radiating eyes.

I feel it caress from bewitching disorder

tempting my heart, luring me

to risk the soultouch sense of a kiss.

I taste it from memories of feasts

wild sensuous morsels, enticing me

to graze from a buffet of love offerings

I inhale it, fragrance of warm skin

lingering in breathless air, persuading me

to transform beyond intoxicating bliss. 

Not yet, I say.

Not yet.

I'm not ready to risk that kind of love again.

But....

Let it linger all around me.

Let me gaze and graze on my own.....

I need time to explore territories

untouched, unseen, unknown. 

I need time to clear away cobwebs and conjure up new dreams

before I step out of the woods

and into the garden where true love grows.

The word at Sunday Scribblings is LOVE.  It's been a long time since I took part in this weekly exercise.  Good to stretch the creative juices again......... for more offerings, here is the link to their blog. 

friendship bouquets

Life has a way of throwing flowers at your feet. For goodness sakes, don't stomp on them! Pay attention!  Fancy blooms and a few  buds ripening ready to open are just laying there in a heap. Untouched beauty.  With a little attention and care and some creative panache, the bouquet is yours to add a warm glow to your surroundings.  I love bouquets and I'm determined to keep my eyes wide open to see them when they land. 

Conversations that ebb and flow with ease, and the sharing is a deep shade of indigo, bright yellows, perky orange, and the intimacy of a palette of pinks can have the same impact.  Connecting with another, knowing the conversation will be one that continues on into another and another, is like having flowers thrown at your feet every single time you meet.  With a little attention, care and some creative panache a relationship will add a warm glow to your surroundings....both inside and out.  These friendships come from a garden eternally growing blooms of cut flowers to admire from afar, or to snip off in order to create a unique bouquet to beautify your visual field.  

No two bouquets are alike.  No matter how hard you try to replicate an arrangement, it is always different.  The shades of colour, the straightness of the stems, the shape, and the size all play factors in creating a unique display.  The container you place them in, the way you handle them, the light reflecting off them, and the surroundings you put them in all.........external factors play a key role in enhancing or distracting from the blooms.  But you know what else is just as or even more important?  Its what you put of yourself into the creation of the bouquet.  Just like any relationship.  

Feed them both with love and tenderness.....with appreciation and respect for their beauty.  Take care of the little nicks, rough spots and blemishes while admiring the fact that this is what promotes uniqueness, and their gifts will reflect back to you.  Gifts you never even imagined.

Blossoming friendships need attention and respect.  When they land at your feet, don't ever question why they ended up there.  Only God knows that answer and he's not going to be blabbing about it!  And for goodness sakes, take good care where you tread.  Eyes wide open..........these blossoming friendship are everywhere.  This is what makes life so beautiful.  

Today, a new bouquet landed........... I will gently arrange the colour and contrast in one of my favourite vases and let it bloom as it will.  

As it will..........

Today, life threw flowers at my feet..... This friendship bouquet is for keeps.

learning the fall tap dance....

The other morning, I joyfully found myself in front of a group of students talking about emotional awareness.  I asked them to write down 5 words to describe how they were feeling right at that moment.  I did the exercise too.  One of the words that I used was "flurried."  I don't know if it is a real word.....more like one of those words that sounds the way it feels.

Flurried.   Kind of a combination of fury, flurry, scurry and hurried.  A bit dizzy too.  Zippy energy, but a wee beyond balanced. 

September feels that way because of all of the activities that re-enter  life's scenes.  Summer has its own meandering pace, with sunlight haziness on fields of wildness casting long shadows on shallow thoughts.  Water sprinklers to cool salt-sticky skin, dramatic thunderstorms to drench out the pall of humidity.  Summer doesn't have a flurried feeling to it.  It's blurried like an impressionist painting.  Whereas September, when the nights are sweater cool, and the daytime skies sharpen like linen blue shirt collars freshly ironed, there is a sense of getting down to business. Realism.

It takes time to relearn the tap dance steps to the routine of September, especially when you've had a summer like mine that was riddled with kapows and kerflooooies.  I never did manage to get the old lenses into full focus. Too many layers of feelings got in the way and needed to be addressed along with a healthy dose of grieving.   Good thing it was summer and everything was supposed to look smeary.  Is that a word?  I like it.............. SMEARY.  

The thing about feeling flurried is that at some point you trip over your clumpy tap shoes because you're trying too hard to keep a pace that just doesn't fit yet and you STOP.  For a breath.  Then, the realization kicks in......... in order to have that sensation shiver through your veins, it means that you're generating more energy.  It may not be firing as efficiently as it could, but that's alright.  Routines take a while to recover, and the best you can do is to relearn while re-jigging and re-jigging until you get to a place where the shoes have been worn in and the steps become more natural again.   

The other thing about feeling flurried...........?  Read as it feels, it is a multi-sensory request to remind oneself that everything gets done eventually.  No rush.  No panic.  Stretch the zip over a longer period of time.   It's all about finding balance once again. 

As I led the class in a short "visit" on emotional awareness, it gave me a chance to stop, look and listen to my own array of inner tickings while helping them peak inward as well.  Whenever you do that, it can conjure up deeper sensations because more often than not a conversation about how you feel begins at exploring the branches of a tree  but very quickly, you dig under the surface to see how broad and deep the feeling is....how far the roots have spread.   

At first, they may seem like a flicker image........ a point and click snapshot, but feelings have roots and reasons to them that take courage and reflection time to peer beyond the snapshot and to find the words and the meaning ............ the reason WHY you feel the way you do.  New similar descriptive words, similar ones pop up from underground that coincide as well as dwell in the same place because they share the same roots.  

The more you look, the more light is shone on awareness.  This can be a frightening exercise because the messages may indicate the need to be honest about the need to make some adjustments or even some out and out changes. But what is a life if it isn't examined?  Its no life at all.  As much as our feelings can be a "wake up" call, they are also the light that leads us to a sacred place of vulnerability when you begin to wonder why you're feeling the way you do.  And it is in that holy space in our souls where growth and enlightenment begin. 

I returned to this class later in the week because I didn't feel a sense of completeness with the lesson.  I found a different class.  They had shifted.  No longer quiet and reserved, they were ready to be engaged in a conversation of sharing stories, expressing their opinions, and analyzing how our thoughts, feelings, physiology and actions are intertwined....... how much they impact one another. 

They are learning to read the signs of who they are and why they feel the way they do.  And the more we talked, the more confident I felt back up in front of a class of students leading.  They were finding their flow.  I was finding mine.   The flurriness disappeared.  A calm sense of empowerment replaced the vulnerability.  My footing is returning.  The zippy energy?  It's being channeled again.  

That focus I've been lacking in for the past 8 months?  It has returned.  Look out! My toes are tapping to the autumn beat. 

The Transitional Zones. Turning Fifty-licious

"All endings are beginnings.

We just don't know it at the time......"

Mitch Ablom, Five People You Meet in Heaven.

If you were to examine the connection between an ending and a beginning, you'd probably see spaces between the loose threads that bind them.  Or maybe even a gap.  Yes, maybe there's a kind of a transitional zone where the synapses don't touch. This is where I am sometimes, like everyone else on this planet.  No matter who you are, there is a bit of flux happening in your life.  Change is inevitable.  We are not static beings.  As soon as we learn something new, we are in the process of an ending and a beginning.   This past week it has been a theme of sorts as  I've spoken to many as they find their "new beginning" footing as they start taking new courses at the College.  

The thing about endings and beginnings is that you don't just have ONE of them. Our lives are a complicated somewhat messy multi-faceted set of them.  Linearity is not a human condition that is natural.  We are jugglers of many endings and beginnings.  Think about all of them that confront you on a daily basis.  How easier it would be if we were only coping with ONE ending and ONE beginning.  Crazy easy!  But, not reality.  Not only that, our lives consist of coping with them at different stages of openings and closings...... 

It reminds me of the passage in the Bible (and a well known 60's song), for everything, there is a season........ 

Seasons on the calendar may follow one another in an orderly manner.  Seasons in our lives crossover, combine, and create a mishmash cornucopia unique to every individual.  You may be in the spring of a relationship, or the autumn of one.  You may be basking in the summer of your career, or standing on the precipice of retirement...... winter......... with snow covered seeds waiting to germinate a new lifestyle.   We may have all four seasons happening all the same time with respect to different parts of our lives.  And when I consider it that way, I can see how often I find myself in the zone of transition.... not for everything at the same time.  I think I would fall apart if that was the case.  But, living the circle of life juggling the stages and the seasons while the days unfold as they always will........ 

Moving forward,

Staying still,

Hesitating

Anticipating

Letting Go

Denying

Accepting

Keenly motivated

Unsure

Yearning

Dreading

Reflecting

Celebrating

Grieving.......

Opening and closing.........

ALL DOINGS with feelings........ 

Winter Endings blending into Spring beginnings are occuring all around us and in us.  Sometimes with ease.  Sometimes with unbalanced footing.  Whether we want them to or not.  We visit the zone between and ending and a beginning because we need to.  This is where we process the loss.  Every change, every time we let go of old stuff/knowledge/ways of doing or being/relationships/  we experience loss.  This is what is so difficult about change.  Not the change.  The loss.   There is a season for everything.   And a purpose too....... Loss is a part of life.  Loss is a part of living life.  Loss is the hurting part of resolution.

I turned 50 on Saturday.  I would be remiss if I didn't admit that it is a milestone I can't quite believe I've hit already.   I don't think my parents can either!  They don't look old enough to have a 50 year old daughter!!  :)  But, here I am!  50 for God's sakes.  A third of the way through my life!  :)   It wasn't going to be a big deal, or didn't seem like it was going to be when I thought about it.  

But, then life threw a major curveball and it became symbolically challenging.  It quickly turned into a huge hill to climb up and over.  You see, it was the first birthday in 25 years that I wouldn't be celebrating it with my husband.  He has been by my side for half of all of my birthdays.  And now, it's no more.  This is what I couldn't process.  This is the loss I was holding onto.   

To everything, there is a season and a time and purpose under Heaven..... so often it remains a mystery.  And that's alright.  We don't need all the answers.  We just want them! 

Something magical happened last Saturday.  I let go of the loss.  I put my party dress on, complete with a new pair of sparkly silver sneakers I had been saving for just this occasion!   There was a transference from an ending to a big yellow door opening onto a new beginning.  I stipstepped in my silver shoes across the threshold, beyond the gap, over the transitional zone and landed with both feet on new ground.  It could not have happened without the undying support of my friends and family.  Turning 50 all of a sudden became turning 50-licious! 

A birthday party took place in my home........the one I had envisioned!  My house filled with joy and laughter, with song and music, with wine and food and with a cake especially created by my 12 year old friend Maeve!  Everywhere I turned, I saw people of all ages interacting and having fun, including my parents who arrived to surprise me!  All the way from Ontario via Maine!  

Right at the appointed time, God seemed to push away the rainy clouds to let the sun take his twilight bow over the river horizon. AS the day turned into night, the stars lit up the sky with so many points of glimmerlights it was impossible to comprehend.  And before you knew it, the campfire was blazing the in backyard and a circle of friends gathered for warmth, song and stories.  Inside the house, the chatter and music continued to........   people flowed from to and fro.  And life for me took a giant step forward, lighter from letting go of some of the loss.  

I will treasure this milestone in my life.  It was the biggest, brightest, most brilliant gift I could ever have received.  The gift of love, friendship, and belonging to a group of people and to a place I call home.   Thank you.  Thank you.

Endings are really new beginnings?  To everything there is a season......... this one truly has a purpose and a few reasons.    I'll toast to that!

gathered dreams.......

In the quiet of a soft whisper sigh, two become one when silence is shared comfort.  In a clearing, a step away from the woods, they stand together.  Looking up into the night sky so vibrantly alive with star memories of gathered dreams they toss their own into the mix.  

Hope and endless possibilities breathe out from their sparkle tips, spreading beyond the galaxy of wishes,  slipping into the otherworld where good spirits weave heartbeats of desire.  Without even a glance, their separate hands reach out to be held at the same time. Fingers clasp.  Warmth flows.  Belonging transfers. Love radiates in the silence of their shared comfort.  

Quietly he steps behind her and wraps his arms around her waist as she tucks into the safety of his arms.  Somehow, in this big old goofy world, they have found one another. 

Swaying sigh........

:)

Empathy turns Love into a verb.

For mercy has a human heart

Pity a human face

And love, the human form divine.

William Blake.

We strive to be authentic in our way of knowing, hoping it leads to a primordial fluttering of grace.

If.......

We reach out our hand to hold,

We step forward with our eyes open,

We understand with our open heart to understand.
Our capacity to love grows from seeds.
Sometimes when sorrow pounds on temples of loneliness, when fear rips open soiled hearts, when anger spits at crippled feet overused seeking solace, it takes one unleashed tiny beam of empathy to lighten big burdens. Empathy is the light shining beauty on purple welts.
Out of love grows compassion.
Out of compassion comes our ability to feel for others.

Empathy happens when your hearthreads reach out and wrap around someone else's hurt because you're curious to know what it's like to be them. It our best way of looking through someone else's lens.  Empathy is made from a merciful heart, a soft knowing smile, and the unconditional love of a curious human being.

_______________________________

A young boy on the verge of adolescence asks....... What does it feel like when someone wraps you up in their heartthreads?

You answer: 

Like 

a warm comforting cup of tea
a soft affirmation, like you matter
an engaging smile that pierces your heart
sharing tears
a nod of knowing 

eye contact that tells you they get it.
Its like having someone take the shawl from their shoulders to wrap you up in it like a cocoon. You can feel their heat, and smell their perfume.

Yes, but what do those things FEEL like? How does empathy make you feel?

Loved. Empathy makes you feel loved.

But how does love feel?

Like a a goodnight kiss when I tuck you in.

Like the feeling you have when you are surrounded by your best friends.

Like the joy of a free fall on a day when the sky is a September blue......into the arms of God.

oh. I always thought it felt like having a sleeping puppy on your lap.

you got it.........

ps.  Let your heartthreads wrap around someone in need today.  AND, let someone wrap theirs around YOU.   :)

I am all over again........ or.... stuff I learned at Sunday school.

Everyone else is taken you know.  What is left is to become who you are.  No one else is YOU.  You can be YOU!  Go for it!

Did you know that God's real name is "I Am Who I Am?"  He's the original "I Am."  

Not Sam who likes green eggs and ham. He's the original Sam I Am. 

Not Popeye the Sailorman ..... He's the original "I yam's what I yams...."  

Not that Joe guy who rants about being "I AM CANADIAN...."   

I bet the Old Spice Guy thinks he's the one........ but oh, No! 

God's the original, authentic "I AM" I didn't know that.  I missed that lesson......... good to be catching up!

When you stand in front of the mirror, who do you see?  Do you really take a good look, or like me most of the time, do you let your eyes get that blurry gaze over while you fix your hair or brush your teeth, or put your make up on, pluck errant hairs, check for spinach in your teeth........ do you ever get the courage to truly look at the image of yourself with a non-critical loving eye and say........ "I am who I am."  Usually when I get the courage to have a good look, I end up flummoxed over the fact that this face of mine has altered over the years.  Same spark in the eye, except the skin on the lids have expanded in the most peculiar way.....!  And I lose my way to seeing me as I am.  Or accepting it fully.

The gift we have been given by God is to become ourselves .... Our job is learn this.  Our way of living faith is to BE who we are.  Everyone else is taken.   But, what if I am who I am and you don't like who I am?  What then?  I have nothing left to give.  The dwelling of discarded beings.  I hate visiting there.

God is the authentic  "I Am That I Am."   He told Moses that through a very frightening burning bush episode after Moses asked God what he should say to be believed when he went into town to try to save the Israelites  all those years ago.  Moses was afraid (and rightly so... who wouldn't be??) he wouldn't be able to carry out this enormous task without some backup insurance from God. 

It's all we have.  It's all that matters.  Who we are.  Who we are becoming.  Stripped down bare, with no material goodies around us.........with no uniform or favourite jewelry.  With no gold gilted ornaments.  Take away the roles, the responsibilities, the never ending "TO DO" list.  Empty the contents of your briefcase, purse, backpack, wheelie luggage......... dump it out!  With  no stuff.  Take away the stuff and the fluff we nest in, what we have is "Who we Are...."

So how do we learn the lessons of who we are at this given moment in our lives?  How do we struggle against the tide of others who want to reform you into something they want you to be?  What if you're constantly in situations where who you are just doesn't fit into the grander scheme of things made up by people who are fearful of allowing themselves to shine from their own light?  

Of course we have to adapt.  In order to function, fit, be accepted, we must bend a bit all the while being cognizant of the fact that OTHERS are doing the best they can being WHO they are.  We are a community of humans whose lives blend and weave together, whose lives clash in colour, whose personalities poke holes in the fabric of another.  AH!  But we are a community of potential too..... the learning of who we are happens most frequently through the interactions with others.  They are our daily mirrors. 

Interestingly, we learn more about who we are when we are facing our own "burning bushes."   Now what beautiful human becoming in my life said............ "Growth does not reside in a place called Comfortable????"   Ah, yes!   THIS HUMAN!  

We learn about ourselves and "who we are" in the middle of diversity.

That's when we are the most stripped down bare.

Luckily  (i'm being optimistic) we are given these fire breathing moments frequently that alter our awareness, our life paths, our existance.  Its how we interpret, respond, reflect and learn from them that sears away the fancy dress and decorations and drops us in a place of vulnerable existentialism.

I am who I am....

Not Sam I am

Not Pam I am

Not Will.I.Am.

Not Joe I Am.

Not PipWisdom I am...

Not Anyone else I am

Not Popeye the Sailorman I yam.....

Just ME I am.  

I am me......... created in His image, learning how to share the gifts I have been given through the firey events I have been privy to.   And you are you.    Pretty humbling stuff.  You know, I'm thinking we better continue on this faith journey of discovery because the original I AM wants his image shining bright.  :)

pink clouds.......

Friday night reflections are in order....... the wine is poured.  Five words to describe where I am and how I am right now?  For you my emerald friend Pip.

Breezefelt

Calm

Relaxed

Hopeful

Comfort-full

I keep returning to the music that has brought me comfort as I sit outside catching the coolish breath of the evening breezes.  I have spent a great deal of summer time sitting exactly where I am tonight.... on my back deck, alone inhaling the essence of spiritual peace.  I feel a sense of connective oneness with my view, my surroundings, my home.  It is a place where I feel safe to reflect....... to be myself with my hair down, my feet up, and my mind open to whatever happens to filter through the complications.  I don't usually write out here.  If there isn't someone here enjoying the peace of the evening, I usually sit quietly absorbing the music that touches a tenderspot....the sweet spot of my soul.  I keep returning to that music.  It seems to blend into me..........with ease..........

I am blessed.... so lucky to be where I am, to be who I am, to live the life I do.  I am blessed to be cared for and loved unconditionally.  I am blessed in having many in my life whom I can love. God seems close by tonight.  I feel His presence.

Tonight, the clouds have rolled in.  There will be no star gazing. The moon is taking a break.  Surprisingly, the last vestiges of the sun peaked through the clouds revealing a pink glow like cotton candy.  The view brought me to this place of peace.......... to a place where I can honestly list those five words with a smile and a quieted heart. 

Despite the calmness all around me, as well as inside me, there is an electric anticipation of what is about to take place.  Earl is hovering off the east coast ready to smackdown somewhere close by.  Whether it will touch Fredericton is debatable.  Chances are, it will hit the coast of Nova Scotia.  We'll receive some wind and rain...... enough to hopefully drench my woeful looking parched garden which I'm sorry to say I have neglected this summer.  Cooler air will prevail again too.  I'm looking forward to the change.  The heat and humidity has been oppressive all week long. 

Satisfaction reigns too.  After a couple of months of much needed wandering, September has arrived bringing with it a newness in thinking, feeling and doing.  I love this time of year.  The whole week has been jampacked filled with introductions, new connections, and greeting students who are just about to embark on something pretty darn important to them personally.  They have made huge decisions to further their education and have chosen the College as their route.  Lots of nervous energy in the middle of this heat wave and I am right in the middle of it.  And I have a bird's eye view.   

Just like I do tonight.............oh.........!  a few stars have peaked through........ It is a comfort-full evening after a busy wonderful week of doing the stuff I love to do best.... It feels damn good to reflect on so many new connections.   Let the music play on.........

eye candy

 

tempered blues wandsweeps 

candy coated creams

on canvas simmering in heat rising

from warm stretched limbs

aching to be touched.

colours awash in velvet sighs

surrender to daylight

slipping through cotton shifts

drifting in whisper breezes 

desired breaths in blossom slippers

a blended blur of feminine pinks

absorbs  the naked awe of attraction

.... A sensory feast in a haze of desire envelopes the wandering mind and places it on the threshold of a sanctuary where love resides. Twilight captivates with its alluring sashay into the secrets of the night........

transitions as a way of being....

Stop right now and visualize a large train station and watch them arriving and departing...their doors opening to let people in and out. There is a flow of efficiency in the transitions between arrivals and departures.  You see this in airports, with quick turn around flights.  Any form of transportation has that flow.... a bus depot, a cruise ship docking, taxis..... even our own coming and goings in our vehicles...... arrival and departures.

WE are movers.   Oh, the places we go......

Journeying to a destination is a daily activity.  Most of our days have a dozen or so destinations, usually falling into the category of the ordinary.  Still, they are destinations, some of  which are so routine we don't even blink abou them.  And whenever we embark on a new one, we find ourselves in transition. Whether it is the beginning or the end, or somewhere in the middle of the action, we are in transit. 

There are many types and levels of transitions.  They fall into various categories.... physical, emotional, spiritual, cognitive.  What they have in common is making a shift.  Altering our personal awareness, changing our location both internally and externally.  Shifts happen....... sometimes it occurs and its not even recognized until you have a chance to reflect in stillness.  Or you just simply sit down and take stock.

Beginnings and endings....... transition happens throughout.  Tiny steps towards discovery and destinations.  They can be damn frightening especially if it is accompanied by the unknown.  And most of the important transitional times in our lives is jam packed with emotions.  Sorrow and JOY lead the way...... frustration, confusiong, anger as well as anticipation, excitement, and anxiety  all rear their heads.  Tranisitions stir us up........ as the shift happens.  But, that is life isn't it?  Are we not always evolving towards  place of beautiful transformation?  They are our way of being.........Stop transitioning and you stagnate like a pool of unmoving waters.  Keep accepting the inevitable, even if you don't know the end result, and you find yourself walking across a bridge where river water flows in swirling currents and undertows....

Swift movement...........shift movement........ the thrust of life.........

What kinds of transitions are you experiencing this week?  What endings and beginnings are you coping with?? 

half way moon rising......

Tonight, as I stood on my back deck catching up on the phone with my friend Mary who can always be counted on to reaffirm that I truly am not crazy and that I'm just this emotionally charged being doing the best she can to sort through the layers of stuff I seem to accumulate in the course of the day (the same way she does) I caught sight of two shooting stars and watched the half way moon rise up from the river. 

I whispered two wishes to myself as the stars shot across the sky.....wispy heart wishes.  Small significant desires that would mean a lot to me, but not to anyone else. I would like to ask for a wild wondrous wish, but I don't think I'm ready for that yet.  It would only end up feeling burdensome. 

The moon was resplendently dressed in orange as it revealed itself from the calm waters.  A half way wise moon waning to a crescent, waxing poetic knowing because she's been there and done that so many times. Sometimes she gets it right.  Sometimes the beautiful moon just hides behind a knot of clouds to take a breather from always having to be such a strong vibrant presence.  Even if you can't see La Luna in her golden gown aglow, you always feel like you can count on her to be strong. 

People keep telling me I'm strong.... how is this possible when I don't feel that way all the time? I don't feel strong.  But, how is strong supposed to feel?  Is what I project....this scrappy charisma that just seems to emanate from me the reason why people believe this of me?   Is it because even when I'm hiding away behind my knotted clouds, with raindrops dripping from tearducts, people continue to believe I'm capable.... made from soul alloys that will not break?  I don't get it.

When I balk at their comments..... "you're so strong.... you'll be fine....." and say, "no, I'm not as strong as you think I am..."  they don't believe me.  It makes me laugh at these moments when all of a sudden i'm in a debate as to whether I'm strong or not! Maybe because I end up laughing over the silliness of the conversation that it feeds the strength I'm supposed to have the market cornered on. Absurdity energizes. 

I am a strong person.......they are right.  I think. 

Do strong women tear up as much as I do?  Do they melt at first drop of tenderness?  Do they yearn to be cared for and romanced?  Or are they tough broads who need no one to help them.  Distress slips off these women like a negligee on a hot night with purpose.  Can you be strong yet vulnerable at the same time or are they opposites?

I asked the Halfway Moon dipped in orange as she slipped off her negligee into her naked golden light....... and you know what she said? 

"Strength brings on the tears of comfort.  Strength allows you to reveal your vulnerability.  It is why you can be in distress, yearn for romance, know you will find it.  Strength feeds your optimism and points you away from curses, towards the blessings in your life.  Life is all about doing and redoing as a means of learning.  

You are learning... and from that place where the best kind of learning happens.... in a growly unsettled place called discomfort. I see you rise up from the waters like I do, resplendently dressed in emotions of many colours.  You know those deep feelings intimately.  You know the layers accumulated throughout your jam packed somewhat bizarre interactive kind of days will slip off you."

Then, the Moon asked me.........

" Do you know how to settle inside your whole being and pray?"

"Yes," I answered.   "I've done that regularly throughout the summer but it always feels that I end up fractured with a million shooting stars bumping into one another in this cosmic head of mine. Fractured thoughts don't add up to strength.  They  make me feel incompetent, weak and incapable of managing the tasks I'm supposed to be responsible for.  They make me want to run away."

"But you don't, do you?  You don't run away...... the halfway moon pointed out...

"No I don't.  Sometimes I can shine in a confidence I don't even know the source of.  Sometimes I just hide behind my knotted clouds.  Sometimes I'm calm, just calm.  But, I never run away.  Quitting is not an option."

"Well, there you go," said the beautiful moon as she continued her ascent up into the darkened sky.  "You are aware of what you can do.  It may take longer than normal to get your act together to be able to accomplish what you want, but by the time your day is going to sleep and I am waking up in the night sky, you find in your reflections the blessings, not the curses.  I see it when I look down on you.  You find the calm waters....... and see the pool of possibilities.  No need to worry whether you're strong enough to forge ahead, to reach a place where you will be able to find balance again."

"You think so Half Way Moon?"  I ask.... still a little dubious.

"I know so......because you strive to make your gaze beautiful, you're half way there too.....sometimes waxing, sometimes waning..........it doesn't matter.  You're halfway there.  All the wiser.  All the stronger.  You colourful passion suits you. "  

It's a good thing to have a beautiful moon as a therapist.  I think I'm almost ready for the wild wondrous wishes.....  bring on the shooting stars.

efficiency and time......

 ruminating well

Time becomes a different entity when you're travelling and out of any regular routine.  Add a whole day in the car driving, ending up twisted around backwards in a city that seems to be completely torn up by road construction, with french direction signs missing and the orange pile-ons misplaced.....?  I'm beat.  

Oh, and did I mention that I somehow screwed up and ended up paying through the nose for a "Comfort Inn" Executive Suite (an oxymoron if there ever was one) in Riviere du Loup that only has ONE BED?  There are three of us.  When we finally pulled ourselves out of the car and into the room, it felt like midnight. It was only 8 pm.  The bed seemed big enough.  The shower was inviting and good God, there was a St. Hubert across the street ready to serve us take out chicken dinners.  I ordered two dinners, and then went over to the "Super Soir" and picked up a big cold can of Stella for me.  I sat on the curb by the car sipping Stella and enjoying a cig surrounded by tidal air that smells so maritime.  I love it!

We've been on the go visiting family and friends in Ontario this week and despite this crazy day we just survived (with humour in tact) it has been wonderful success.  Its all so strange trying to attempt things that previously included another member of this little family of mine.  The emotions get charged quickly and are released at unexpected times but that's all a part of adjusting and learning how to cope with our new lives.   Everything took longer, and seemed timeless....

So many firsts.  So many new things.  Like driving the whole trip by myself.  Though I tried not to be too freaked out about being the only licensed driver for the 14 hour trek, I was totally freaked out by it.  But, I did it.  With only a few hours left to get home tomorrow morning, I managed to do it as well as all the other travel responsibilities.......... There's twice as much to do.  Just like at home.  It's daunting and its bloody tiring, especially now when I am now completely focused yet.   Time just doesn't seem the same anymore.

The efficiency I once took for granted has left my body.  I am no longer efficient anymore.  I'm a scattered road map.  Will this always be the case?  Have I lost the ability to be organized and on top of things or will it return?  Do I care? Not really, though the pace is about to be upped a thousand volts in the next week or so when my job kick starts into a new school season and the kids begin again too I better start caring.   

However, I have such a meandering brain and wandering feet that it takes me so much longer to accomplish even the smallest task and all I really want to do is to seek out some fun.   Fun seems to be the priority right now, and lots of it.  methinks my "fun needs" weren't being met for a very long time, so my thirst for it has leaped out into the front of the line. 

I also get lost in a million fractured thoughts and before I know it, a few hours have slipped by as quickly as trying to hold water in your hands.   But, you know what?  That time has been the most productive because it feels so refreshing to simply be still breathing while allowing the thoughts and feelings to wash over me.  I end up feeling lighter than when I started....... with more energy coursing through me....except .... here's the kicker ..... I think the meditation and quiet time is addictive.  I love it and when I'm not able to, I have a tough time paying attention to what I am supposed to be doing.  Do you know how many times I have lost my keys, lost tickets, forgotten to do more than half of the priorities on my list of "must dos?"  I'm a scatter brain ... so much so that I think my kids are getting used to me being an airhead. 

But, I'm the driver..... I need to start paying attention to schedules and time more efficiently.  I'm the adult here, and the Momma to boot.  And you know what?  I got us this far today!!   I think I can get us home again.  And again.  And again.   I may end up taking the wrong turn in Montreal FIVE times  again before I get it right,  but I will get us to our destiinations........ and maybe have a few stories we will share because of my newfound wacky scatterbrain.

you know........... If only I had someone there to unpack, do the chores, make dinner and organize the week?  I think I need a wife who has a watch that works and knows how to tell time.  I think I've traded in my multi tasking sense of time for rambling and ruminations.  Efficiency is over rated these days.

Fellowship and Greenbelt

Fellowship is made from the combined essential oils of our souls.  Its fragrance lingers beyond the time spent together.  On days when our lips are parched, thirsty in need, the quiet eye contact of fellowship gladdens into a renewed smile.  It massages the lost and broken bits; pent up stress from never stopping to take a deep holy breath of belonging and leaves us refreshed in pensive comfort.  During the dark hours of winter light, the late summer fragrant breezes from tall grass, heather and lavender weave golden moments through our ladened tone that beat from our hearts.

A gathering is about to happen in a field across the pond.... a field dressed in Big Top stripes, fluttering wind streamers so colourfully vibrant .... a field nestled in the sleepy hills, surrounded by a rainbow of tents, filled with people eager to reunite in worship, music, dance, laughter.  Arm and arm, toe to rain wellie toe, toasting to life and love through the communion of celebration, they will meet to open their pores .... to soak in the sacred harmony hovering in the air above the Greenbelt Festival.  

May old friendships deepen

May new friendships take seed.
May conversations take you to new frontiers of learning.
May you find a space to let yourself breathe in God's spirit.
May moments happen that take your breath away.... and leave you with twinkling enlightenment.
May burdens lessen even for a short reprieve
May the sentiment of fellowship annoint you with the spritzed essence of soul-full essential oils.

Thinking of my friends who will be attending the Greenbelt Festival, which officially gets underway tomorrow......... but unofficially has begun in a curry restaurant somewhere in Cheltenham tonight.  I may be far far away in body, but in spirit......?  I just have to close my eyes to feel the connections, the colour, the life of a very special place. 

Enjoy!
Enjoy!
I will be there next year with bells on my toes!