The Year I Turned 50-Licious

Yesterday morning, I arrived at the diagnostic imaging department at the local hospital for an annual mammogram, grabbed a number and sat down. Routine.  No big whoop. Just one of those important tasks to accomplish in the day in the life....  

This is what I was thinking as I looked around at the other folks who were there for various x-rays, ultrasounds and boob looksees.  In  no time my number was called and I found myself sitting in front of the clerk as she verified my medicare number and home address in her computer, and made sure my name was on the list.  It was her last question that sent a sharp kick into my gut...... "And your next of kin is still............?"  I said "yes." 

Well, he still is legally and I sure as heck didn't want to complicate the intake interview while trying to figure out who my next of kin is now.  My kids aren't old enough.  My family live in another province.  Neither option was practical. So, I kept it simple.  "Yes."  The question and my answer flooded my thinking and feelings as I found myself sitting in a flimsy johnny shirt coldly wrapped around my naked torso,  by the door to where the machinery was located.  Alone. Processing my thoughts.  In a place full of foreign sounds, sickness and stress, ongoing paging for emergency doctors, and smells one only inhales in the stark reality of a hospital,  I felt the gut galloping shiver of vulnerability.  My stark reality mirrored my environment.  

I leaned back against the wall, closed my eyes and focused on breaths to take away the "reality hurt"  until a warm hearted woman with a welcoming Maritime lilt in her voice called my name.  It was my turn to have a few photos taken. My morbidly self absorbed thoughts quickly turned into wondering how in the hell they do that boob squishing procedure on anyone who wears an A or a B cup???? 

This is the year I turned 50.  From the moment after the clock struck midnight to ring it in when I stood feeling like a pariah beside my husband at a party and there was no loving kiss forthcoming to this very moment as I try to capture the words flying out of my fingertips on this frosty morning.......... the last one of 2010, it has been a year of awakening to loud thunderous change.  

Sometimes it has been so shockingly vibrant like when you get to the part in a mystery novel and all the pieces of the puzzle transform into BIG TRUTHS all at once.  Oh!  I can think of a few of those body churning events!  Though I'm trying to let go of them, they are still the ones that pound on my temples at 4 am with demonic pleasure from time to time.  Not nearly so often.  Not nearly so often.   

Most of the time, however, the thunderous change has been more like the WAKE UP surprise of POP Rocks sizzle bursting in your mouth. You know its going to happen.  You just don't know when. When it does? Your eyes open a little wider, while your first thought is........ "What is that all about???"  And,  "Why did I just put Pop Rocks in my mouth when I know how uncomfortable they make me feel?"  Sometimes someone slips a few of those candies into your tea when you're not looking.  There you are attending to a routine task and kapow! One of those damn things explode and you're caught speechless........for a second.  

"Your next of kin still is..........?"

This is life. It is a cache of awakening moments, some more seismic than others.  Some more life altering than others.  Mine aren't any different than anyone elses.  My feelings and thoughts are not unique.  It is what WE all share......... the ability to think and the blessing to FEEL always!  From the monumental hurts to the ecstatic orgasms, and all the little poetic symphonies that are the very thread that binds the whomping biggies together.  By sharing our hearts and minds, not only do we learn  important lessons from one another that guide us to LOOKING and FEELING from a different perspective....a different reality, we become a part of one another's tapestry. 

This is an awakened life unfolding.  I am who I am because of the experiences I have encountered, embraced, denied, refused, stumbled upon, viewed, processed, created, mourned, celebrated,  respected, rejected and reconciled.  Just like you.   We are offered up little Pop rock morsels.....events that seem inconsequential at first,  but end up providing awareness to where we are in our journeys as a means to process the thunder changes. Shifts happen even when you're least expecting it.  In the poetry of life.  

Yesterday, I texted a friend of mine briefly sharing the hospital moment with her.  She understood how it felt right away, and commented on how these moments makes one realize how the world registers you and how you see it differently too.   In fact, she is the one who has helped me throughout the year "see" how poignancy preys in the grace notes of life....  I told her that I realized it is the poetry of life, not the long storied prose that meaning is found.  Her response?  "What's a poem if not volumes of truth packed into a single glance?"  Blow me away!  Gotta love a friend whom you share wisdom text messages with that are poetry too! 

This year, the one when I turned 50?  Well, it has been jam packed full of events...... poignant, pathetic, pulsating..... life altering snippets.  I'm not at a point where I can say that I wouldn't change it if I could do it again.  That would be silly.  No one in their right mind wants to ever experience the deep gashes from being betrayed.  However, I have laughed with more gusto, and wept with more intensity than I have ever imagined.  I have been hugged more passionately, and cared for beyond what I ever thought I needed. Conversations that once skimmed the surfaces dove deep into heartfelt meaning.  Until this year, I didn't realize just how much we can grow from an original place of pain into a garden of beauty.  I have taken many risks, and every time I think of one I smile broadly because every single risk I took connected me to another beautiful human being and experienced some amazing adventures!  WOW!  

As well, I have inhaled air so beautifully thin as I have encountered a bouquet of spiritual compassion through the kindness of so many people in my life, and through the deeply quiet times I have been alone absorbing the goodness of a faith just waiting for me to embrace. Magical.  Blessed.  Loved.  Lovable.  Gee, I even learned that I am a bit sexy! Who knew?????  Yeah, despite the pliable sagging breasts and the hands that look a thousand years old, I've got a sexy factor happenin'!

I have learned so much..... and hope that I have been able to pass on some of my lessons........  

On this day, the last one of the year I turned 50-licious?  I feel strong and whole, weak as well as yearning. A contradiction I am, I am.   I see the poetry as truth in a single glance.  And I know now how I will answer the question of who my next of kin is........  It doesn't matter who the name is.  I walk with many.  I walk with you.   With a Holy Spirit to guide us along.  Aren't we lucky?

Bring on the Pop rocks!  Happy New Year. 

________________________________________

ps.  I have been keeping an eye on and a journal to capture many of these moments that have occured this year with the intention of pulling them together in a book......... I havent shared many of them on my blog because I haven't had a chance to digest them as much as I want to. Plus, I feel like when it is time to write it out fully, i want it to be fresh.  But, let me tell you, the majority of them are bloody hilarious! Absurdity rules, as does my dark humour.  Stay tuned!!!

embers from advent.........

It feels likes it been quite a long time since I purposefully closed the curtains on the outside world and opened the  inside windows to have a look. Ahhhhhhhh!  It seems like the only time I manage to do so is when I'm spent.... saturated with stories, pressures, overwired with connections.  

I yearn for it.  

I think about it. 

Even try to plan for it, 

but my own life churning keeps it at bay....... keeps the curtains open. 

Intentionally I avoid it until I'm at the emotional razor's edge when the sense of claustrophic lack of oxygen hovers.  

Fear.  Fear of the unknown.

Fear of it being too emotionally naked.

Vulnerable.

I know better.   I need it more often.  Yes, this morbidly open mouthed extrovert needs more quiet time than ever before.  Not just when I'm stretched out relaxing in the bathtub.  I've learned the medicinal elixirs stirring in silent mediation. It lessens the weight. It opens the pores to light.  Beautiful light.

Tonight, as I sit cuddled up in a chair which is pulled up to the fireplace,

clusters of candlelight flicker dance 

above and below,

sending blended scents of ordinary aromas.....

lingering memories I breathe in with no effort.

vanilla, lemongrass, 

clementine blossoms, iced pine,

crisp linen, seashore heather,

cranberry sweetness.

I watch the fire flicker into embers.

Draw nearer

Draw nearer

In the glowing.

Sweet whistles of captured summer rains

sizzle like birdsong

Flames waffle with the sound reminiscent of flapping sheets on the clothesline

air fillap

air fillap

air fillap

spark crackle embers tango with maple yule

send searing heat rays

kissing my barefeet cold from winter floorboards.

compressing my cheeks like the warmth from my grandmothers hands.

I close my eyes......

music filters all around me

choirs of soprano faith hit high echo notes

gently bouncing off cupolas of old cathedrals

voice instruments that soothe ancient shadows

madrigal hymns that massage tired souls

encircling my space like angel goodness

to help persuade dark thoughts to take flight.

for sorrow to latch onto white waves

capping constant rolling currents that flow past.....

thoughts float in through the open windows

and settle into my awareness

gaps, once clogged in chatter welcome the thoughts

old questions, retooled doubts,

mysteries laden with burdensome timber

accompany the thoughts, transforming them into feelings.

harsh feelings of hurt and broken promises.

I ask why.

I ask why..... again......

Why?

My stomach begins to churn again.

Restless phantoms threaten to dissolve stillness into sorrow.

I breathe in scented reassurance.... 

I breathe out relief 

I breathe in sensory enhancing trembles.

I breathe out relief mixed with grins.

Grief work

Letting realities settle.

Choirsong gently softens the edges 

turning sorrows and hurt into ashes and embers

that fall below the flames 

Sounds like flapping sheets in the wind

sweet whistles of captured summer rain

I realize stillness can only visit if one welcomes sorrow beforehand.

gloria..........

gloria.........

draw nearer

draw nearer

hallelujah

in the glowing.....

layers of forgiveness feed the fire

hallelujah

let it go

let it go

soprano faith spills into my sanctuary

bouncing off cupolas of ancient cathedrals

echoing assurance that in life we are never alone.

'tis the season when change is the most trying

when naughty newness is frowned upon

when miracles are dismissed as lies

when judgement wags the know it all finger

when transitions leave stretch marks on swollen bellies 

ready to burst under the discomfort....

Embers slowly accumulate under the dying fire

by the melted candlewax......... 

A star begins to shine brightly on forgiveness

on peace, love, acceptance and hope

Joyful hope

as we prepare for receiving the gift of birth. 

Comfort and Joy.

Comfort and Joy.....

while the choir of ancient angels harmonize hearts and souls........

Christmas is nearly here.....

 _________________________

Dear God,

Thank you for helping me open my heart to the spirit of the season.

By........

Letting me breathe in the stark realities without falling apart

Showing  me how to breathe out empathy, peacefulness and forgiveness

Please keep reminding me that the least deserving, the ones who have cause pain, who have shown no remorse in their selfish actions are the ones in my life who need to be loved the most.

Thank you God for this season of Advent and for helping me to embrace its meaning 

so as to let go of what may never have meaning.

As the embers cool from close-up fires, I am learning to let go.

I am learning.......

Fellowship and Greenbelt

Fellowship is made from the combined essential oils of our souls.  Its fragrance lingers beyond the time spent together.  On days when our lips are parched, thirsty in need, the quiet eye contact of fellowship gladdens into a renewed smile.  It massages the lost and broken bits; pent up stress from never stopping to take a deep holy breath of belonging and leaves us refreshed in pensive comfort.  During the dark hours of winter light, the late summer fragrant breezes from tall grass, heather and lavender weave golden moments through our ladened tone that beat from our hearts.

A gathering is about to happen in a field across the pond.... a field dressed in Big Top stripes, fluttering wind streamers so colourfully vibrant .... a field nestled in the sleepy hills, surrounded by a rainbow of tents, filled with people eager to reunite in worship, music, dance, laughter.  Arm and arm, toe to rain wellie toe, toasting to life and love through the communion of celebration, they will meet to open their pores .... to soak in the sacred harmony hovering in the air above the Greenbelt Festival.  

May old friendships deepen

May new friendships take seed.
May conversations take you to new frontiers of learning.
May you find a space to let yourself breathe in God's spirit.
May moments happen that take your breath away.... and leave you with twinkling enlightenment.
May burdens lessen even for a short reprieve
May the sentiment of fellowship annoint you with the spritzed essence of soul-full essential oils.

Thinking of my friends who will be attending the Greenbelt Festival, which officially gets underway tomorrow......... but unofficially has begun in a curry restaurant somewhere in Cheltenham tonight.  I may be far far away in body, but in spirit......?  I just have to close my eyes to feel the connections, the colour, the life of a very special place. 

Enjoy!
Enjoy!
I will be there next year with bells on my toes!

Heart Grenades and the Art of Looking Sideways.

Strange to look at life sideways.  Strange, but oh so imperative.  It stretches the muscles in our eyes in a way that doesn't feel natural.  However, if ever we really want to make changes in this world we live in, and in our own individual lives, we must look off to the side for the options.  Conformity, the lemming kind, is the death knell of our society. The routine of sameness depletes our energy, sending us down a heavy footed path of apathy, dulling our senses.  What always perks up the brain, kisses the heart, zippity dips the pace is a fresh perspective.   Fresh awareness.....

Lemon scented fresh.

First kiss fresh.

After the rain cool breeze fresh. 

Puppies pouncing in the snow fresh.

Pussy willow promise fresh

Blooming pink blossom fresh

New slivery moon fresh

Stepping out of the shower rinsed and naked fresh.

We drop the blinders, take off the armour, stretch out our yawnings, open our minds, and look around?  Suddenly our way of seeing, which became our way of being, alters.  We shift.  In a blink. Aha! 

Here's a NEW way of looking at this issue!

Here's some light seeping through the dark realities of our sufferings

Here's a possibility!

But, am I willing to make the shift? Do I have a choice here?  MAN! What a frightening thought!

Life is easier to stay confined in a pocket of protection, away from new perspectives.  It seems safer, more predictable, more sane.  Yeah, right! What an illusion that is.  Still, we hold on tight to what we consider is the truth. It's what we know.  It's what we built our lives on.... those beliefs that you had some control over the events in your life.  Maybe that's the purpose of those "heart grenades" that often get lofted at us?  To wake us up?  To make us question everything around us??  To shake the inner stuffing loose.  To help us lose our balance in order to feel vulnerable?  When we are shook up enough and the vulnerability is ripe for the weeping, there is no more truth to hold onto.  What is left is an opportunity to look at life from another vantage point. 

God, will you help me do this?  Give me the strength to look at this life sideways...... to stand it on its ear.... to relax enough to let go of the ruminations..... to open the valve and let the possiblities flow upon the shiny rocks which I continue to stub my toes on! 

Shut off the valve of possibility, our whole being dries up. Turn it on full blast and the pools of creativity fill up and up and up with the cleansing spirits to quench the thirst we sometimes didn't even know existed.  At first, when new perspectives arise, we want to gulp it down....God, we're so thirsty for answers, for comfort, for colour!  When we first realize that how we are living, doing, being is not working, we want to change it ASAP!   Because of desperation and the motivation to douse the flames licking at our shame, we shuffle forward without taking the time to learn how to use our refreshed senses properly.  We need time to "retool" as well as to assess whether this new perspective is the right fit.  An oasis of water flowing to a thirsty person wounded by a heart grenade can be just as dangerous as staying in a pocket of protection.....

hmmmmm............maybe we need to look both ways, allowing the green twinkle of our eyes to cast beyond the first glance.....  looking beyond the sideways just at our feet......... over the horizon sideways... leap of faith sideways..... There is an art to it.  But there are no clear cut linear instructions.  You have to figure out your own glancing, looking, observing, assessing, glimpsing, gazing.  Not alone.  You don't have to learn this alone.  There is a Holy Spirit all around us to guide us. 

Sometimes we are the last to know how dehydrated and thirsty we really are.  Until we learn the art of looking sideways.  If we allow it to, it can soothe the wounds left by the blast of a heart grenade.  Late night loneliness does not have to smell like napalm.  It can be soothed by the aroma of perfuming comfort and the essence of insensing courage.......... let me turn my head to the left..... to the right....  Now?  let me look up and out.......... and what do I see?  Delicious possibilities.

Tell me...... What do YOU see when you look sideways?

_____________________________

ps.  This post was inspired by two things. I found myself in the valley of emotions today, so much so that I think I need to get my hormones checked!  The dips are too severe and I'm now thinking that there could be a medical reason feeding this trip I'm on.  Heaven help anyone who goes near a PMS-ing 49 year old in the throes of a divorce. You have no idea how ugly it looks from the inside! But, I'm relieved to report that I'm pulling out of this mass of snottiness and will be myself once again tomorrow.  (thank you Mavis!!)

I am also thinking a great deal about the upcoming Greenbelt Festival which I had the pleasure and the opportunity to attend last year.  In some respects, it was life changing.... many shifts occured and insights were gathered.  Sadly, the one which was so predominantly recharged in my being.... to return home from the festival with a clear desire to work through the issues in my marriage, I wasn't even able to kickstart.  It was over.  I just didn't know it.  

However, on a spiritual level, the depth of my faith and interest in pursuing this path of believing strengthened beyond my expectations.  Consequently, it has provided a foundation I sorely depended on last spring and continue to.  So, I wish I was going again this year....... to Greenbelt.  To refresh, to remind myself, to recharge, to remember, to reflect and to have some really really good fun with a group of people who are a part of my life and my heart.  When I think of them fondly, their beautiful faces and friendliness feed my soul with such delicious soulfood.

The theme for the Greenbelt Festival this year is "The Art of Looking Sideways..."  It's such an inspirational theme.... and fits nicely with how I try my best to look beyond the sides of my life.  The creative side of me, whether it's writing or photography, or even counselling (there is a lot of creativity and openness in the field of counselling) embraces this theme wholeheartedly.  So, I thought I would try to capture my feelings of this day as well as my thoughts on the theme.  I guess you could say, I was a multi-tasking blogger tonight.  And it worked.

  

My head cleared.  

I looked sideways.  

And you know what I found? 

MY SMILE!  I found MY SMILE! 
The little bugger was smirking 
off to the side!

Love to all of you............ xxxx

i thought i was ready..........

Dear God, 

I stopped walking. My journey halted abruptly.

My choice.

I thought I was ready for a rest.

I thought I would be ready to sit still to read, to write,

to focus on the daily tasks inviting me back

I thought I was ready for some lovin' fun.  

God knows I was lacking. 

It seemed like the natural inclination, 

to rest from a deep seated exhaustion

to recharge, rekindle the light of Eros.

Love and belonging.... to fill that cup of love and belonging. 

Instead, the walking continued, 
this time it was in the form of a pace........ 

directionless missteps with too many unneeded ones.

Overwhelming expectations breathed dragon heat on my neck.
not wispy kisses.

Instead, I spun around enough to make me dizzy.  

Spinning never gets you where you want to go.  

It just leaves heat on the soles of your feet....

friction burns from assimilated repetitious actions

and a mixed up brain.

Every now and then, I'd sit with blistered feet

with high hopes of receiving a massaging balm

from strong warm hands. 

Tender touches

How I longed for those hands to hold me.

 

By then, my thoughts were jumbled,

my breathing was burdened,

my feelings had flown out of me 
like scattered stars in a night sky. 

Desperation only leaks from this chaos. 

Love looks and feels like hungry chaos in the mean hours.

Shadow boxing driven by the ache of loneliness

zapped my energy time and again.

I'd reach up to the heights of joyful anticipation

only to be slapped down 
with the dramatic force of the glove of realization.

Boxing glove brutality. 

I'd seek out illusions in hopes that the oasis welcomed me into its beauty.

I didn't recognize them as illusions.  

No, I saw them as truth.  

It was never solid enough to grasp onto.... 

the oasis was sand spilling out of open hands 
of one dimensional one liners. 

They were the wrong open hands. 

Love amiss. 

Love is not one errant kiss.

Stuck in transit,

I wallowed in lonely unmet needs,

clouding over personal reflections.

I lifted up the mirror. 

No images formed. 

Just faceless silouettes arcing out of silver glass.

The yearnings market crashed all around me,

sending shards of desires through an already splintered heart.

I lost my way. 

I ran the other way.

I went deaf to the calling of my name.

Still,  I spun inside the yearnings of Eros.

I thought I was ready. 

I thought the comfort could be found in strong arms

I saw love as the potion to pull me up out of mired loneliness.

I forgot You.

I forgot how to find You.

You let me feel the rawness of an unprotected heart.

And I cursed every single time I landed on my knees alone.

I forgot the words of prayer.

Wiped out after pacing......

Stripped of all semblance of balance, 

I sought solace under the covers on hot humid days 

with only the fan to keep me cool..... 

white noise to drown out a heavy heart.

 Stillness of an empty bed.

Last night, 

empty and disappointed, 

I remembered a few things. 

Your love is what matters most. 

Your love is what supports me through the spinning chaos of healing

It is Your love that helps me heal the blister burned feet.

God, I reckon this will not the be last time I have to learn this lesson. 

Spinning at first feels like a fun activity, 

though interest grows weak 

repetition sneaks in the pain 
when you're not paying attention. 

At least it emptied me

Emptied me enough to let You in again. 

Just in time.

I will walk again...... 

forward, with two steps back every now and then

Still.

You under my feet, as always

You never forget me..... 
sometimes I'm too full that I falter and forget You, God.
Maybe I don't forget.
Maybe I just misplace myself.

Walking in prayer, 

unraveling the confusion.

finding solace

And all around me......... your encouraging echos

I will hear

Reassurance.

Love, the unconditional hymn you hum

to lost souls like me

doing the best that I can to find my way back to the fold. 

God, will you hold up that mirror for me?

Let it reflect on the Beauty of this day 
you have given me as a gift
to breathe in Your love? 

Let me hold the Hand I cannot see

and feel the warmth of being held again.

I am ready.  I am ready to pray again.

Will you show me how to again? 

blue balls

Have I mentioned that I am the proud owner of a blue ball? Just one.  But, there are many scattered throughout the city, lovingly displayed outdoors by the women who possess them.  Some are green and some are blue.  Balls. Female Balls.  Magical.  Mystical.  Lucky.  And you thought they were only found on frigid males.

Originally, I was given a green one.  It sat in a decorative ball holder on table on my back deck.  When my friend Joy presented me with this lovely item, purchased at the Giant Tiger Boutique (she purchased them all!) I was informed that not only did the ball contain the power to change the tides in my life, but as the owner, I was now a member of a sisterhood.   Though I don't know these women yet,  I feel a connection to them in a JOY-full spirited way.  And, I will get to meet them in the fall when Joy throws a Balls party on the night of the harvest moon to celebrate the power of positive thinking.  You see, Joy knows "the REAL Secret....." and she spreads her nom de plume everywhere she goes.

All day long, the green ball absorbed the sunlight......... soaking it into its hollowness...... filling up with good karma. And then when the sun went down, it would GLOW a brilliant neon green. NEON KARMA! Every time I walked by the livingroom window, my eyes would gravitate to its incandescent light.  And every time my son would pass by the same window, he would stop and announce to me that the green ball creeped him out.  It was a pretty weird colour, I have to admit.  I waited for the tides to change.  

It was Joy who first told me in the spring when we met to discuss some business that I was in shock.  "You're in shock you know," she said.  I didn't really believe her.  You see, I was functioning and in fact had the ability to focus on the serious matters one needs good clear headed thinking.  We also had a good deep conversation that day.  How could I really be in shock when I was still able to put one foot in front of the other and get through a workday as well as deal with the stuff marriage separation is made of?? But, her words remained with me.  Everytime I woke up to the harsh realities, everytime I found myself in a puddle of tears, or bellowing out my anger, I would say to myself,  "Joy may be right.  This may be what shock feels like."   When she gave me my green ball around the beginning of June, I was still raw.  I can see that now.  Because I'm not that raw anymore.

I also know that about a week after I became the proud owner of the green ball......... my shock lifted.  Overnight, something lifted off me.... a veil?  A cloak....?  The heaviness was gone.  As soon as it did, I knew Joy was right.  I had been in shock!!  Now I know.... this will help me understand it in others.

A week after that,  while I was right in the middle of trying to write a fictional story that seems to have a life of its own, I received a seemingly outrageous email from Joy informing me that it has been driving her crazy....... that I should've received a blue ball not a green one.  I laughed!  But, something inside me felt the same way.   How nuts is that?? So, I emailed her back...... informing her that I thought she was correct and asking her why she thought this.... then I would tell her why I agreed. 

She replied........... "3 reasons.... You face the river, you are a water person, and it's creeping Max out."  

I replied......... "Agree!  I am a river girl, plus I have been trying to write a story about a little girl who meets a Blue Angel.  It has morphed from a kids story to a spiritual one all on its own and I can't seem to find the ending.  I think the glow of the blue ball would be inspirational...  I need blue light!"  Within the hour, Joy pulled into my driveway for the official ball swap.  We were killing ourselves laughing....... it seemed so ridiculous, but spirited.  Nothing like some lightness eh?!  I told Joy then that my shock had lifted, and she said she could see that.  "The tides have changed Dana," she said. "Do what you are doing to heal.  It's working........ and this blue ball will bring good luck.  I take this stuff seriously you know...." 

I put my new blue ball in the holder...... and waited for the sun to go down.  When it did, it initially glowed an indigo blue, the same colour my sister and I painted my bedroom in the spring as a way to radically change transform it into MY room.  A very good sign, I thought.  As the skies darkened, the ball began to glow the same colour as the blue in the ocean on a summer day.  It WAS a lot more calming.  I AM a water girl.  My gaze faces the river.  Water calms me like nothing else.   I look out at this glowing blue ball on my back deck, and I feel a warmth and a calm and a giggle knowing that it emits BLUE KARMA.  I also think of the other women I have yet meet who have the same silly thing sitting on their back decks!  I can't wait to meet them!!!

Since then?  So many weird and wonderful things have happened.  So many that its freakingly spooky!!  

The next day, I received an email from a new friend whose nickname is "acrossthewaters," who sent me photos of flowers that looked so much like the ones I take, which I refer to as flower porn.  I couldn't believe it!  Flower porn!!  From a person named "acrossthewaters! " After that, he invited me to go on a hike to check out a hidden waterfalls.... I mean, that is spooky!  Of course, I went.  How could I not?  Water! Revealing flowers? And it was there that I discovered Waterfalls therapy!  It's magical!  Acrossthewaters?  You bet. 

The tides turned....... and I was asked to deliver a sermon on God's abundance.  I had the chutzpah to say yes.  How could I mess up?  I was the proud owner of a big blue ball. More importantly, with a good deal of help from my friends (thank you Anne!!) I focused, researched, read, wrote and wrote and wrote......... edited and then REWROTE it all.  Before I knew it, I was standing up in front of a congregation which included the smiling faces of my friends and family delivering a message on the importance of connecting with others.  Blue light.  Do you know that blue light is also a reference to the Holy Spirit?  

The tides turned.  I've finished my story.  I really am proud of it because it ended up with layers and layers of spiritual meaning, which seemed to unfold on its own.  It turned out to be about a little girl who has an awakening when she meets a Blue Angel.... aka, The Holy Spirit.  Blue light.  It glows. The ending found me during a church service.  I havent posted it yet.  It needs more breathing.  Soon, I will post it here.  

I began to review the writing I have done over the past year.  The first story that jumped out at me was entitled River Girl.  Originally, I had written thinking that it was about someone other than me.  Hahahaha!  I re-read it and see how predestined it was....... how much I was aware of what was happening in my marriage and how I was feeling about being misunderstood and dismissed as odd and difficult.  I laughed!  

I took a risk and signed up for a day long workshop on Tension Release Exercises and became a believer in the ability to physically release pent up emotions.  It was a day of enlightenment....  a new "tool" to use personally and professionally because it completes the type of talk therapy I use in my job.  While there, I reconnected with an old acquaintance whom I had been wanting to see and talk to for MONTHS!  We used to bump into one another often and talk about religion and spirituality and I had this urge to seek him out.  We're now connected again.  

Last week?  I met with my Therapist Joan, whom I admire and feel a strong connection to.  She has been a Godsend.  She is the one who taught me that tears bring strength..... and points out to me how sacred this journey is that I have found myself on.

As I spilled my stuff that day, I was focused on how I am going through yet another work related issue on my own role as a counsellor. I shared a few stories from my past as a camp counsellior because this is where I began to see it as a career.  As I told her a few stories, I was thinking strongly about a situation with a person who was really struggling at the time and I had tried my best to help her.  She had to leave camp that year.  She loved camp as much as I did.  Because of the situation etc, we lost contact.  Until the evening after meeting with Joan.  After 30 years, I received an email, addressed to Muskie... me.  It blew me away.... my breath caught!  Tears flowed. We are now catching up on life.  

Coincidence?  I think not.  I stopped believing in coincidence when an Irish faerie showed up in my life 5 years ago who told me stories about river ghosts,  and spirits in trees and convinced me to start writing again.   Now that I have a blue light in my life, I riding these new tides........   BLUE KARMA.

So, If you're looking for me and i'm not home feeling the radiating healing powers of my blue glow ball?  This River Girl will be out in the woods soaking up some Waterfalls therapy. 

Yeah, I own a blue ball.  

I've got that going for me and more.  

Where your treasure is, there is your heart also.........

                                                    

"Gloria's Poppy."

Now poster size, 

this umbrella beauty is framed and hangs 

above my bed to protect me from storms 

Hi there!  I can't believe how little I've been blogging.  I've been writing, but not on this site.  I seem to be finding new avenues to explore, and I'm enjoying all of them...... one on one communications as well as journaling.  It feels like right now, much of what I want to share I want to share with one person at a time.  The written conversations as well as the face to face ones have been rich in emotional texture.... good heart opening stuff, which has left me feeling a sense of prosperity deeper than I have felt in years.  

Whether its been in a canoe (yes, I've been paddling...and will go again soon), around my little campfire pit in my backyard.......whether its been long rambling laughter filled conversations on the phone late into the night, or beautiful sharing of hearts through fingertip touching internet style, it's all been healing,  life affirming.  The strength of my friendships with both family and friends has deepened too,for all of us.  Not just me.   Vulnerability does have its up side.  You tend to get to a place where you really don't give a rat's ass what you say and you say what you mean with an honesty far away from shadows. 

Meaningfully beyond, beyond the daily doses of chatty surface stuff.

Every single day brings forth a cornucopia of life events and connections with surprising twists and turns, most of which has a dash of absurdist hilarity, a doppling of doubt, a wallop of reality, and a softening of heart. Feelings and thoughts are stirred inside me as I dwell in this fantastic emotionally driven place of inner creative flow. I know that when I have time to capture some of its wondrous essence, I may just have myself an interesting book written. 

The shock has lifted.  I was hesitant to believe it, but it has.  That's not to say I'm not sad and angry still.  Sadness grabs hold of me at the most inopportune times.  Anger sometimes seeps out of me like a viper and I try my best not to direct it at anyone.  When it hits........ I sing the song from Finding Nemo when Dory calls Nemo "Mr Grumpy Gills..."

Just keep swimming,

Just keep swimming.......

I'm not startled anymore.  My house isn't startled anymore.  Most importantly, my children aren't startled anymore.  Big emotions still, of course, but no startling.  We are in good shape to enter into the summer vacation months.  This was one goal I had for them.  I wanted them to have time to gather their strength while finding their footing again.  I am inspired by their resiliency and their ability to process the life altering changes thrown at them, knowing they are loved, loved, loved.  I am blessed to learn from them and to lead them as their resilient Momma.

I also have learned that the universe certainly does look after you if you allow it to.  I didn't believe this. I thought it was some new age tired mantra crock  set up to convince you to be irresponsible of actions and thoughts.  It's funny, the more resentful I became that I didn't feel a sense of equality and balance in my marriage, the more shut down I was from the possibility that this feeling could come from another place.... that the universe will  look after you.  Its not like you're there for a free ride.  Far from it, but there comes a point when surrendering up one's control panel and letting go of the "stuff" that seemed so damn important at the time can produce a sense of freedom that literally makes the air thin and beautiful refreshing.  

In so doing, I'm taking new steps I never thought I would.  I'm seeking out as well as receiving newness.  Change is being embraced.  The winds are bringing them to me and I like the look and feel of the new breezes.  Who knows where it will lead.  Who knows where I will land?  It doesn't matter the destination right now.  What matters is that I am surrounded by love, concern, and such beautiful encouragement that I can't help but smile more.  The treasures are felt inside the heart, abundantly. 

I have returned to poetic words of John O'Donohue.  His blessings ARE a blessing.  Reading his prose, particularly in his book Anam Cara, I feel like I'm reading it for the first time.  Why?  Because my gaze has changed.  The lens I am fitted with right now is flexible and colourful.  This morning I read this again.... 

"The state of one's heart inevitably shapes one's life; it is ultimately the place where everything is decided.

• A courageous heart will go forth and engage with life despite confusion and fear
• A fearful heart will be hesitant and will tend to hold back
• A heavy heart will make for a gloomy, unlived life
• A compassionate heart need never carry burden of judgment
• A forgiving heart knows the art of liberation
• A loving heart awakens the spirit of possibility and engagement of others."

Today, I believe I have found my courageous heart.  There is no doubt in my mind that I am where I am because of the compassionate and loving hearts who have surrounded me with their light.  God dwells in our hearts.  As Father O'Donohue states........ "the heart is the divine sanctuary...."  How rich we are to carry that in us.  

Hey!  Here I am................and I feel fine. xxx

renewal

Renewal is conceived in the heart of discontent. It begins to grow by the inner light of silent conversations with God until it breaks through the clay of blended souls.  

Hungry hope is its companion as is a broken spirit enraptured by the Holy one, whose breezes caress  the restless suffering with tender knowing.  Hope reminds Renewal to be patient with its re-emerging and to know that most of its growth will be invisible to the outward glance, but colourfully recognizable when the human who hosts it gazes inwardly.  

Through suffering we learn to surrender.  Through surrendering, we learn how connected we are to a greater realm.  Through  connection, we begin to feel loved in much different way than perhaps we have ever felt before. 

What may feel that an epochal event that shifts our gaze and FEELS like renewal  is merely a glimpse of a field of diamonds off in the distance.   Those tantalizing sparkling gems with winkly twinkle c'mons  have the power to awaken our hunger for enlightenment, to tickle our parched thirsts for a drop of understanding.  

But, Renewal doesn't occur because of one event.  It may be the spark that ignites the change in direction, but it is not the conclusion.  It may be the impetus set in the clay of blended souls...... the foundation we rely on for support as we ride the waves of change by taking one step at a time.  

Renewal in all of its diamond splendour is simply our crooked journey signmarked by our recognition of love dressed in complicated life riddles.  Eventually it leads us to a place we can call home.  To get to the field, we must walk unprotected, barefooted pierced by the nettles and thorns of suffering that scratch and sting.......that leave pockmarked scars on our flesh. 

We must walk aided and unaided.......taking risks, learning as much from our hurts as we do our triumphs, reaching out to give while being open to receiving the gifts we are offered.  By so doing, we learn that the clay of blended souls we walk upon?  We are a part of that clay.  We belong to a universe who shares the same feelings, who thrive and survive, who suffer and feel joy...... who nurture and are nurtured by one another. 

Renewal may be conceived inside the heart of discontent, but the light of its darkness seems to always shed rays on a garden of hope, inside the home, waiting to be discovered.   As pilgrims, let us continue to be surprised by the answers to the riddles......... those "love in riddles," for this is where our awareness resides.  Don't forget to tuck in a dash or two of humour into that journey knapsack of yours too.

PS.  Pip?  My first attempt at "transposing" the article you sent me. Let me know what you think........ xx

reverence....

Being open to the ineffable moments of nature stretches our spiritual realities. Look no further than your garden for lessons on being patient, on evolving beauty, on miracles hidden within the petals of one blossom. As we stand in wonderment and awe, we recognize a place cupped in mystery.  Words slip away into silence.  There's no rush to find the spoken words. For, it is in the silent reverence in the presence of one of God's creations where we feel the most enlightening affirmation of life. 

We don't revere the known. We revere the unknown which in turn feeds our creativity through inspiration from the Divine.  The essence of the unknown drives our insatiable need to understand... to learn more.... to seek out the words to describe the indescribable. There are so many wonders without explanation. That's reality.  
Reverence is an electrical prickly skin feeling.  It is an invisible energy to grab onto, for it allows the transcendence of a symphonic faith permeate the space inside which is holy.

Reverence allows us to see the outline of the Apparition who dwells in our hearts and souls by shining a light of believing onto the Holy Spirit.  Without a sense of reverence, we would never explore the depths of our own caverns......