The Transitional Zones. Turning Fifty-licious

"All endings are beginnings.

We just don't know it at the time......"

Mitch Ablom, Five People You Meet in Heaven.

If you were to examine the connection between an ending and a beginning, you'd probably see spaces between the loose threads that bind them.  Or maybe even a gap.  Yes, maybe there's a kind of a transitional zone where the synapses don't touch. This is where I am sometimes, like everyone else on this planet.  No matter who you are, there is a bit of flux happening in your life.  Change is inevitable.  We are not static beings.  As soon as we learn something new, we are in the process of an ending and a beginning.   This past week it has been a theme of sorts as  I've spoken to many as they find their "new beginning" footing as they start taking new courses at the College.  

The thing about endings and beginnings is that you don't just have ONE of them. Our lives are a complicated somewhat messy multi-faceted set of them.  Linearity is not a human condition that is natural.  We are jugglers of many endings and beginnings.  Think about all of them that confront you on a daily basis.  How easier it would be if we were only coping with ONE ending and ONE beginning.  Crazy easy!  But, not reality.  Not only that, our lives consist of coping with them at different stages of openings and closings...... 

It reminds me of the passage in the Bible (and a well known 60's song), for everything, there is a season........ 

Seasons on the calendar may follow one another in an orderly manner.  Seasons in our lives crossover, combine, and create a mishmash cornucopia unique to every individual.  You may be in the spring of a relationship, or the autumn of one.  You may be basking in the summer of your career, or standing on the precipice of retirement...... winter......... with snow covered seeds waiting to germinate a new lifestyle.   We may have all four seasons happening all the same time with respect to different parts of our lives.  And when I consider it that way, I can see how often I find myself in the zone of transition.... not for everything at the same time.  I think I would fall apart if that was the case.  But, living the circle of life juggling the stages and the seasons while the days unfold as they always will........ 

Moving forward,

Staying still,

Hesitating

Anticipating

Letting Go

Denying

Accepting

Keenly motivated

Unsure

Yearning

Dreading

Reflecting

Celebrating

Grieving.......

Opening and closing.........

ALL DOINGS with feelings........ 

Winter Endings blending into Spring beginnings are occuring all around us and in us.  Sometimes with ease.  Sometimes with unbalanced footing.  Whether we want them to or not.  We visit the zone between and ending and a beginning because we need to.  This is where we process the loss.  Every change, every time we let go of old stuff/knowledge/ways of doing or being/relationships/  we experience loss.  This is what is so difficult about change.  Not the change.  The loss.   There is a season for everything.   And a purpose too....... Loss is a part of life.  Loss is a part of living life.  Loss is the hurting part of resolution.

I turned 50 on Saturday.  I would be remiss if I didn't admit that it is a milestone I can't quite believe I've hit already.   I don't think my parents can either!  They don't look old enough to have a 50 year old daughter!!  :)  But, here I am!  50 for God's sakes.  A third of the way through my life!  :)   It wasn't going to be a big deal, or didn't seem like it was going to be when I thought about it.  

But, then life threw a major curveball and it became symbolically challenging.  It quickly turned into a huge hill to climb up and over.  You see, it was the first birthday in 25 years that I wouldn't be celebrating it with my husband.  He has been by my side for half of all of my birthdays.  And now, it's no more.  This is what I couldn't process.  This is the loss I was holding onto.   

To everything, there is a season and a time and purpose under Heaven..... so often it remains a mystery.  And that's alright.  We don't need all the answers.  We just want them! 

Something magical happened last Saturday.  I let go of the loss.  I put my party dress on, complete with a new pair of sparkly silver sneakers I had been saving for just this occasion!   There was a transference from an ending to a big yellow door opening onto a new beginning.  I stipstepped in my silver shoes across the threshold, beyond the gap, over the transitional zone and landed with both feet on new ground.  It could not have happened without the undying support of my friends and family.  Turning 50 all of a sudden became turning 50-licious! 

A birthday party took place in my home........the one I had envisioned!  My house filled with joy and laughter, with song and music, with wine and food and with a cake especially created by my 12 year old friend Maeve!  Everywhere I turned, I saw people of all ages interacting and having fun, including my parents who arrived to surprise me!  All the way from Ontario via Maine!  

Right at the appointed time, God seemed to push away the rainy clouds to let the sun take his twilight bow over the river horizon. AS the day turned into night, the stars lit up the sky with so many points of glimmerlights it was impossible to comprehend.  And before you knew it, the campfire was blazing the in backyard and a circle of friends gathered for warmth, song and stories.  Inside the house, the chatter and music continued to........   people flowed from to and fro.  And life for me took a giant step forward, lighter from letting go of some of the loss.  

I will treasure this milestone in my life.  It was the biggest, brightest, most brilliant gift I could ever have received.  The gift of love, friendship, and belonging to a group of people and to a place I call home.   Thank you.  Thank you.

Endings are really new beginnings?  To everything there is a season......... this one truly has a purpose and a few reasons.    I'll toast to that!

on the cusp....

There's a common held belief that my son was born with an "old soul." Its the only plausible explanation for his way of being and his accumulated knowledge. He must've known a bunch of stuff before he was born into this present life he thrives in. Though he has similar interests to his peers, if he really likes something, Max learns as much as he can about it. He can't get enough sometimes..... his ever churning brain needs food and then some.

I remember when he was a preschooler and had learned a new concept, he wanted to persistently expand on it until he grabbed onto another one. Geography, for example is an area he continues to stretch his knowledge and understanding. He is truly passionate about the whole area of Social Studies. When he first learned about what a country was, he wanted to know more and more about them......one at a time and would get frustrated if he couldn't get his very young brain around the abstract ideas of what cities, towns, capitals, provinces, states and countries were.

Yes, I remember a particularly frustrating conversation in the car once when his Dad, his sister and I were all trying to help him grasp onto what they were. He was 4 years old I think. It would've been easier to explain Piaget's Developmental milestones to him......to argue that he was only at the concrete reasoning stage and to just hold on until his abstract impermanence stage kicked in in a couple of years! OY! Instead, we bought him a world map poster for his room complete with country flags around the perimeter, a globe which has since worn out and a few atlases to glean information from. Now the smart ass quizzes us on countries I didn't even know existed.

His music tastes run the gamut from The Beatles to Beck. His comedy tastes run the gamut too as we try to introduce him to the subtle nuances of Steve Wright and the hilarity of Ricky Gervais. Will Farrell still rules, but political satirist Rick Mercer is a close second. This is all important stuff in our house.....the house that humour built because my Math fiend, my Social Studies wonk, my music loving amateur guitar picker wants to grow up to be a stand up comedian.

And you know what? Despite being the Mom with a bent and biased view of my beautiful son, I think the kid is one of the funniest people I have ever met. His dry sense of humour, quick wit and ability to memorize anything put in front of him (or heard once) may just be the ingredients to a successful jaunt into the world of laffs. His facebook status profiles are legendary. Even my friends want to be his friend in order to get a laugh every day.

So, today is Max's birthday. 12 years old. Part of me can't believe he's on the cusp of being a teen, though if his up and down temperment swings are any indication, he's there! I seem to be able to handle the swings more than the others because..... well, he reminds me of me. Not that I'm as intelligent as he is by a long shot. I mean with the teen moods. The other thing about his emotions? They also come in handy when he wants to tell his family that he loves them. It's automatic, and openly expressed.... at the end of every phone call .... when he's heading out the door in the morning .... when he decides to pop in on a Saturday afternoon to check in during a basketball game.

Most days, Max seems so much older. The other day, my 12 year old who was sitting in the back of the van blurted out to his Dad and I..... "You know what I'm thinking? I'm wondering if life is a just a dream and when you die, you wake up and realize all that you go through isn't real......"

Silence from us.............. I mean how do you offer up a reply to a statement like that? And how many kids think this philosophically and deeply? Before we could reply, Max shivers out loud.....and says.... "OH my God, that hurts to think about. I'm creeping myself out!"

Old soul..... 12 years old.......... may he always stretch the minds of everyone around him. God, I love hangin' with Max.

becoming an adult....

Pip in action:
Growth does not reside in a place called comfortable....

Time keeps marching on and i try my hardest to keep up. But honestly, how in the heck did 49 years pass by so quickly? The best we can do is to pack in as much living as possible and savour it to the fullest. Not just the big whopping mind blowing moments, though those tend to stick their necks out most predominantly and become our personal milestones.... but the day to day morning glories too.

This week has been a blur of activity.....from meeting and greeting 200 new students to the College, to sitting down one on one with a few who needed some reassurance during their transition back into the classroom, to kicking off a night course I'm teaching on Crisis Counselling, to organizing my own family and home for the beginning of the school year. There have been trips to the store for school supplies, a meet the teacher night tonight (I'm not impressed let me tell you with the caliber of teachers my son has this year.....but will wait on the final call on that one....) to dealing with incompetent bureaucratic systems to crashing on the couch last night in what was probably the most rivetting and important speech Obama has made since his inauguration. You know you're a tired puppy when you fall asleep sitting up while that guy is speechifying! It has been such a great week!!!

My life is full and i'm very happy. It is frantic at times, but I work best when I'm juggling many things at once. It energizes me and my brain cells. Too much down time and I become a unfocused slug. In the middle of the beautiful melee of living right smack dab in the centre of many fronts, I realized just how content I am. The only word I can use to describe it is "integrated...." That's how I feel. And the only way I managed to get there.... to a place where I'm firing on all cylinders again .... admittedly the first time in years, had all to do with 4 days at a racecourse in Cheltenham when I immersed myself in the Greenbelt festival. The late evening/early morning talks back at the hotel played a huge role in it too.

I knew I needed to get there. I didn't know why. I just knew my "want" had turned into a "need." I knew it was an integral part of whatever journey I am on. There were key "happenings" which I hope to be able to capture in words soon that in all honesty altered my thinking, my feelings.......and placed me on a different axis. A few important decisions were finally made. My outlook now shines from a better angle..... it simply happened after carrying them around for far too long. Enlightening, inspiring, challenging, and fun. It was also difficult. It was in the place of difficult where I grew the most. Not surprising.

Greenbelt was a destination that I thought had a beginning and an end. I was so wrong. The lessons I learned, the reflections I fell into, the moments I stayed right in the long now are a part of who I am and how I am seeing my life and the blur around me. There is a calm.....there is more patience. There is enthusiasm and less fretting. There has been a disconnection from the rubbish I had to endure over the past couple of years.

Pip sometimes asks on his blog..............How old were you when you became an adult? I thought I had already crossed that threshhold. I thought I had passed through the passages while experiencing the big whopping mind blowing moments. It wasn't until I was sitting alone outside of the Performance Cafe on the Saturday night listening to the music inside the tent, that I realized I had become an adult that day. Something clicked when I started to think about where I was physically and spiritually, where I had been, and letting go of where I may end up.

Becoming an adult, I realized was learning to let go of life's control panel, and to find a different kind of comfort in the vulnerable side of difficult. The only way you find that comfort zone is to recognize that letting go..... surrendering ...... can take you to a place where acceptance greets you with a nod. I may have been sitting there all alone, sitting off in the margins thinking about a very special "Greenbelt moment" that I had experienced earlier in the day, watching the Greenbelt world go by...........in fact a group of teens disguised as minstrels strolled by, stopped and then spontaneously sang the most movingly upbeat version of Amazing Grace I had ever heard....... there was a feeling of infinite possibility in the night air.

Today........I turn 49. Today, I think I can confidently state that I'm finally an adult. Better late than never eh? Man, that was a long adolescence!

My New Year.

I would love to live
like a river flowing
carried by the surprise
of its own unfolding

John O'Donahue

It's morning though the darkness still hangs her drapes closed longer as a means of letting us know that the autumn splendour is working behind the scenes preparing to begin her show. A sneak peak of orange moves up from the horizon. Summer hangs on producing the harvest of her season. Transition seems to be in the air all around us, which induces reflections and forward thinking. It's difficult to be in the moment while going through a transitional period. I wonder why that is.........is it the comfort level? Fear of the unknown? Our desire to plan ahead as an instinctive means of survival? I don't know.

Birthdays too are transitional touchstones in our lives. They are like our personal New Year's....a time of reflection and of looking forward, wondering how the year will unfold.........wondering what is in store. Today is my New Year's. I turn 48 today. And as I write this while watching the sun begin to rise with the drapes of night lifting up to allow for a new September day to unfold, I smile in anticipation.

Soon, the river below my house will be visible for me to see. Soon it will unfold as it always does, carrying surprises in its flow. I will continue to learn to strive to do the same thing.


It's a beautiful morning, and new beautiful new year.........fresh and vital in its early unfolding. I will enjoy this day and all that it offers. I will be looking towards the future too because today I open a special savings account to save the money to attend the next Greenbelt Festival in August 2009. I will be there to take it all in, and to sip some Cointreau with a few beautiful friends.

Carpe Diem.

What does 10 Look Like?

Our son turned 10 this weekend. 10 means he's moving beyond the status of our little boy. 10 means that you can be a comedian AND a professional ballplayer AND a musician, AND a mathematician AND a lawyer all at the same time. Yes! A lawyer......like his Grandpa Buzzie. He HAS been told that comedians normally try to knock the whole profession down in their stand up gigs.....so he can mock himself I guess. He'll never be far away from a good joke.

A few Max photos.......to share.

Happy Birthday Sir Maxwell.

first day of camp

Ready to steal home just like Aaron Hill of the Jays against the Yanks at the game we attended in May

After a Jays game in August (wearing the new Aaron Hill official shirt). It was a day just for the two of us. We had a great time.

The motley crew Friday night hanging out at the mini putt. Basketball, night tag, movie watching and sleep over ensued at our house. Topped off with a Saturday morning breakie of cinnamon flapjacks, crispy bacon and yummy maple syrup, lovingingly prepared by the early morning riser in this family.......Me! YES.......... This is what 10 looks like.

Birthdays and Remembrance

Out of the large group sitting around the campfire a little over a week ago, 3 of us had the same birth date. September 11th. It used to be an obscure little day, but nevermore. We talked about how strange it is to be celebrating our birthdays on a day when the rest of the world is in remembrance, and how people react when you tell them that your big day happens to land on the infamous 9-11. They get all quiet and serious..........kind of how one responds when one hears you're suffering from something.

"Oh.....really? Gee.........."



But the flip side of it? No one forgets. I love that part!



Last year on this day, I wrote about the fact that change, including changing our world, begins by looking within. So many events occur outside of our control. What we do have control over is how we react to the event. Sadly, we are not as far along as we would like to be. Change is happening in Afghanistan for women and children, though it is and must continue slowly in order to somehow take root. However, 6 years post 9-11, the world still searches for Bin Laden. The threats to our safety loom large. There is still an empty space where the World Trade Centre once graced the skyline. We have much to do. We have a long way to go.



Last year, I read a book entitled Praying Naked by Francis Stroud. It contains teachings originally written by Anthony de Mello, a Jesuit priest whose work continues to resonate 20 years after his death. I've written about it in the past, but I returned to it because of the messages it had on meditative prayer. I'm a firm believer that "life is 10% things that happen to you and 90% how you react to the 10%" it seemed like a good idea to remind myself that what I can control is my way of responding.



Events happen outside of yourself. Change happens from within. If we want change, if we want to alter our understanding of the world around us, we must focus on developing enlightenment from within. It's what we can control.....our awareness. Though we can learn from our past, our history, we can't change it. We need to focus on today, the present....a gift from God.Take the time today to be still for a couple of moments..........to clear your head of all cluttering thoughts. Focus on the sounds around you.....and on your breathing...........be aware of the fact that if you are focused on your own breathing and the various sounds around you.........you will begin to calm those ongoing thoughts and feelings related to all the external stress you may be absorbing.



These first few steps are the beginning of meditative prayer. How simple is that?And to think all these years, I thought prayer was such a complicated ritual only performed before meals and in church, when in fact it is simply a way of silencing and calming all the "noises" at anytime..........a method of stripping away everything one can't change in order to become more awake to who we are.



I wish I had the ability to stop all wars.........to rid the world of evil................. but it ain't gonna happen. What I can do, however is control how I respond and react to these events. I will take the time to day to remember the tragic events of 9-11 and all the events before and after it.



And then, I will meet my husband for lunch to celebrate life and my birthday.



I borrowed this quote last year from Paul, who had posted it on his blog then. It captivated me than as it does today. It was written by a friend. I'm sorry Paul, I can't remember who is was........



"A way of coming back to the harbour of ourselves is to ask who we are. It takes a whole lifetime to take your place in your own life. Solitude is given to you to receive yourself. Maybe dear friends it's time to illuminate God in the mirror of our souls?"