"The greatest friend of the soul is the unknown..."

"Fundamentally, there is the great silence that meets language; all words come out of silence. Words that have a depth, resonance, healing, and challenge to them are words loaded with ascetic silence. Language that does not recognize its kinship with reality is banal, denotative, and purely discursive. The language of poetry issues from and returns to silence."John O'Donahue

human fingerprints

Unshared thoughts are like lost embers floating up from the chimney flue when they're not anchored to spoken language. If we consider the words we choose and the feelings we use to express them, we quickly learn that language has the capacity to capture a fraction of what we mean. As much as it adds lustre to a perambulation of the unspoken idea finally freed, language is also held within a mystery. We can't ever cover all that we want to communicate. And, more often than not, when we do? It's misinterpreted.

Why do some people think you can read their minds? Why do some people think they can read your mind? Or even more annoying, why do they think they have the right to even attempt it?

I may seem like an open book in this venue, but I'm not as open as I appear. Like you, there are many more facets of me than you will never know.... heck, there are some of mine I havent even met yet. Truth be told there are only a couple of people on this planet who I may be emotionally comfortable enough to completely strip down to place inside me where I am that vulnerable. That type of "safe" is a very complicated place to reach.

We have a tendancy to try to sum someone up with a few descriptive sentences don't we? And for most people, that's just about enough for them. They don't want to go any deeper than that. Most descriptions are really only a reflection of themselves....of what they value, of what they like and dont like. They are judgement statements decorated with adjectives, whose definitions have a beginning and an end. In fact, I believe that most of these statements float in the cosmos of an illusion created by perceptions rather than in any essence of clarity.

Ask someone to describe you. What words would they choose??

I'm guessing if I asked 5 different people in my life how they would describe me, there would most likely be common threads....some of which may be correct. Some may be completely off the charts simply because of the situation or the events surrounding our encounters.

Believe it or not, there are some out there who think I'm simply a moody complicated opionionated blowhard! Can you believe that??? There are some who think I'm a bleeding heart pushover whose lead by her spilling out emotions. Can you believe that??? Then, there are some who would put money on their belief that I'm just a dramatic wingnut who can't get her life in order. Can you believe that???? Ok, here's one...... a threat. I'm a threatening overbearing shit disturber. Now, that's very difficult to swallow isn't it? :) Wait a minute! I think there may be one or two who see a few angelic tendancies in me, but how can that be? Then, there are some who think I'm nice. hmmmm..........very Canadian, I am.

Do I care? Of course I care. But, there's probably not a damn thing I can do about it.....people form their opinions on impressions they make in a slice of an instant. weird. Interpretations are simply that.....owned by the one who formed them.

We are all multi-layered. I may seem to be an open book, but there are several chapters I have yet to reveal. There are several chapters I have yet to discover. I may have all of the above characteristics, but slice me another way and you'll see I am more like you than you may be willing to admit..... or I may be willing to admit.

Humans have much in common.....we all have the same goods inside us, but we are far from cookie cutter replicas or one another. Our sameness.....the capacity to feel the same feelings, to yearn for the same dreams etc is what allows us to connect. Our differences is where we either clash or appreciate each other's unique gifts. My fingerprints are etched with my own design as are yours. And the only way I have to clarify who I am is through my language.......

oh, wait a minute..........

I could show you who I am too. Action without words? Now that's a thought. Sitting together in a comfortable stream of silence? Maybe that's the ideal place to delve deeper into the understanding of our unique human fingerprints. Maybe we rely too heavily on choosing the right words, on trying to find a common language........on trying NOT to be perceived the wrong way.........on trying to project an impression we may think is suitable, acceptable, welcoming....or even trying to be outrageously memorable?

Sitting together in silence strips away pretence and somehow levels any sort of power imbalance. Though it offers up enormous room for interpretations and second guessing as to what the other is thinking etc, eventually if both people are authentically genuine and honest in their physical expressions ...... comfort will be felt in the softening of the holy space between.

As John O'Donahue so eloquently captured in his writing, an unspoken essence between two friends is also present, no matter what the distance is. He referred to it as the holiness of Spirit. It makes me wonder if this Spirit's language can express our truth far better than we humans ever can?

My second posting on Carmi's thematic photography theme...."human." Check out more at Written Inc.

who me?

Colourful, fresh and fruity

a fusion of unforgettable iris accords

a radiant touch

a luminous favourite

embodies the mystery of seduction

captivates your senses

exudes confidence

Bright, alluring and timeless
attracts like a sparkling floral bouquet
vibrant, current, sets your spirit free...

unpredictable and unique
an audacious blend of dazzling floral and woody notes
marries freshness, vibrancy and feminity

bare skin beauty
natural luminosity
sexy, smokey
exceptional charm
dazzling, bewitching and highly sensual
enchanting sophisticated, without being too serious
even a little whimsical

irresistably luminous lips
tempts your senses
focused on promise, chance and happiness....

Playfully twists notions of feminity

and subtley grows richer and more sensual,

revealing the velvety interior of the rose.
WHO? Me?

Unfortunately, not me. I pulled these hot momma descriptors out of a flyer promoting perfumes and beauty products. Who writes this stuff? Do they get heated up and turned on while stirring inside those passionate adjectives, blending them into a scene of romance? Are these the same folks who write soft porn?

So here's my confession.....I would love to be described using these expressively sexy and dare I say LUMINOUS words.... I was named after my mother's favourite perfume after all, so it must mean I should qualify on some level doesn't it?

Hmmmmm.......let me take a sniff.....oh, yes this bare skin beauty does "exude an audacious fragrance that blends floral and woody notes....with a tantalizing touch of bergamot and a twist of citrus essence."

I have a dazzling ass too.

What the hell is bergamot anyways? It sounds mossy.

This week's theme over at Sunday Scribblings is confession....Got one??

please pass the passion

Is passion ever whimsical or is it always considered straight up serious? There's such a strength to passion, it makes me wonder if we somehow lose the fun in it. Hot flammable passion.....firey confessed fervent....there's no room for any questioning or humour in the middle of that now is there? It resonates blinding heat so intense one can't go near it, let alone doubt it. If someone uses the word to describe themselves or how they're feeling, we know EXACTLY how they are feeling. The problem is, the word is so overused, exagerated, manipulated, and tossed out in such random usage that it has become a joke onto itself. WE have cried wolf with passion too many times.....to a point where we don't feel the real meaning anymore.

"His passion, fed by the flames of desire consumed every fibre of his being and left him breathlessly intoxicated by the perfume lingering on the pillow...."

There, that was whimsical wasn't it?

The other day, I was listening to an interview with Karen Armstrong discussing her most recent book, The Bible, A Biography. She pointed out that the word believe was altered in its meaning somewhere in the 17th century. Before, it simply meant, "to hold dear," or "to desire." Whereas now, the word believe is tightly wrapped up in black and white faith in such a frighteningly absolute conviction that it sometimes feels a though it's been stripped of colour. Gee, there's not even any grey left in the vicinity.

It seems to me we added too much of this expressive passion to our definition of what believe means. We torched it! God help the person from going straight to hell if they don't express their convictions in some unquestionable impenetrable manner. One can't just desire or hold dear this passionate believing..... ya gotta embrace it 'til it turns purple or out the door you go!!

Oh, but before you leave, don't forget to put some money in the collection plate.

I like the idea that if I believe in something, I hold it dear....I don't strangle it with a bear hug. I gently rock it with love and wonder. I have a desire to be near it. I don't stalk it blindly.

I want my beliefs to develop as they help lead me, not cloak me into a corner and choke me with the simmering smoke from blinding unbridled passion. Don't get me wrong. Passion is a heat I want to be right in the middle of from time to time. Gotta love some passion. I just want it to have some fun. I want to hold it dear and rescue it from the flames of overused misuse. I want what I believe to be an unfolding everflowing companion on my journey....like a soul friend I can have some really passionate debates with.

How about you?

random yappy-ness

two simple threads

one is mine

the other is yours
begin to unravel in technicolour
wrapping like ivy around a trellis
leaving little purple blooms
in their wake.

I have a confession to make. I'm a random talker. In my mind it seems better than being a close talker or a slow starter or a non thinking talker I guess, but I believe it may be as irritating to some, especially those who have the strong need to begin and end one thought before they move onto another. Personally, those anal retentive types drive me to drink. In fact, when I find myself face to face with someone like this, I have a very difficult time focusing on the one note they need to play. I lose my train of thought. I have to really concentrate, especially if it's in a social situation, because my brain is tick ticking off in tangents.......so much so that i have to stifle the urge to WHOOOOSH.........take off on one of those topic tributaries.

I love the tributaries I guess.....stay on the main river and it's all been seen and heard before, but paddle down into an inlet and you never know where you'll find yourself.

It's not like I can't be linear when I'm communicating with someone. I am counsellor and trainer by trade for goodness sake. I have to be a bit disciplined. Though when I think about it now, the best counselling and training moments have been when things just flowed as it unfolded. However, as the lead in those situations I do have to be "on my game" or it would never make sense. I have to know what tributaries to pursue.

Writing is the same. If I want to get my point across, I have to stay within some kind of parameter or no one would read the tripe I write about. Not only that, I'd never finish anything. Random communication, whether it's speaking or writing has to have some concreteness to it. But if I had to describe my comfort zone, the place where I feel the most relaxed, it's when I don't have to reign myself in. I can let it fly, firing on all synapses without feeling like I have to slow down my ideas and thoughts.

I have a friend who used to be my supervisor and is now a sounding board support when I need him the most. What I love about him is his enthusiasm for ideas and his encouragement. He always takes the time to help me generate my abstract thoughts and the pictures in my head and somehow manages to encapsulate them and reflect them back to me. He allows me to be free to take flight, and I must admit that it always blows my mind when he is able to make some sense of what I have had to share with him! I always leave his office feeling so good.......especially after a long time in between connecting with him because as a random talker, I have a tendancy of storing it up until I have a chance to let it all hang out. Months can go by, and all of a sudden I wake up and have this unquenching urge to phone him and arrange to meet. It's like I've hit a saturation point and need to vent. Because he encourages me to use my brain and to unravel the ball of wool inside my head, I figure he must get some satisfaction out of the mental exercise. Or perhaps he's being nice. Maybe, he takes a swig of scotch just before I arrive in order to cope with my verbal discourse and then takes a nap when I leave!

Random talkers and thinkers definately need people in their lives who ground them. Thank God there are a few around me. What's interesting is that I am considered a "grounder" for some who seek me out. Maybe that's what mentoring is really about.

I also have a few friends socially whom I would label as random talkers. Its a breath of fresh air when I'm around them, and I have a feeling they feel the same way because they too can relax and let it flow as it unfolds. Tonight, one such friend was over for dinner......and it was an impromptu arrangement too. Personally I love spontaneity like that........to me it goes with the randomness. But for her, it was a huge deal to simple say yes on the spur of the moment. Maybe she also needed a night of random yapping. Well, I know she did, because we flew through 50 different topics all in one conversation. It was grand!


What is so interesting, and I realized this tonight in the middle of talking about something completely different is that most random conversations usually do have a theme, or they have a core to the subject matter which seems to rise up from the debris to be revisited time and again throughout an evening. This is what usually happens..........

The conversation will start up without any effort whatsoever.......usually beginning with sharing a common interest thing............"have you read that article..........." or "did you hear so and so interviewed the other day........." or "I saw something the other day and I thought of you because......" It's usually seems like it's going to be a one trick pony kind of chat, but with two random talkers? It turns into a buffet table covered in too many treats to consume. And yet, there is one big blossoming centrepiece which is revisited over and over. You just see it from different angles.

Tonight, the theme was the presence of faith and how it underlies all of our decisions, whether it's embraced or not. DEEEEEP! However it didn't have a feel of a dissertation. Rather, it was a culmination of shared thoughts that began the moment she arrived while standing in the kitchen as I poured the wine and prepared dinner and never stopped. It was GREAT.

Can I just make an aside point here in the middle of this post? Do you know difficult it is to write about random talking in a linear fashion?? HOLY! I have about 30 different examples and stories I want to explore and to share firing through my brain right now. Oh, and yes I have been asked if I was ever diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder.......by two random talkers! My response to them both? "I know you are but what am i??!" I mean really, who are they to ask such a question? :)

OK, back to the post......hmmmmmm.............



I'm thinking right now............right at this very minute.........that perhaps random isn't the way to describe it. From an insider view, it doesn't seem random at all. In fact, it seems more logical and more linear than other kinds of conversations. It just looks like it from the outside, because two random yappers somehow form a bubble around them. It's like the world has ceased as they connect on a level that transports. When you're in the bubble of thought, theres a union of the mind. Time races by unnoticed. Music playing in the background floats by. A whole drive somewhere happens without much gawking out the window of the car.

Most of the time, I'm aware of the fact when I'm with someone who isn't comfortable with this type of tete a tete. They find it tiring and mostly intimidating and if i'm not careful I can blow them away. I know this, because it's happened in the past when I have found myself on some tangent or am feeling restless and in need of a blood letting of thought. Can you see how writing and blogging is a friend for someone like me? It's a gift from the Big Guy, let me tell you.



Oh, I can spend inordinate amounts of time in my head and be very quiet. I love time alone not talking to anyone. I love spending time with someone I care about and not utter a word. I can putter about my day and not have a single indepth conversation and I'm completely fine about it. I hate talking on the phone, especially during the week after counselling/teaching all day long and when I'm in the middle of teaching a workshop, the last thing I want to do is head out for lunch with a group to rehash. I need to stay in the zone so to speak..........to stay focused so that I am at my best to lead a group through a learning process that will include many trips down tributaries.


Last night, one of the topics covered was my friend's recent trip with her husband to Victoria BC(who btw was having a random talk with my husband who I personally love having long undulating conversations with, he woo'd me that way). It's been many years since I spent a summer there working, so I had many questions and wanted to know much about their trip. She spoke of the long walk she and her husband took along the coast of the city. Such a beautiful place. Anyways, it reminded me of the boyfriend I had that summer and a walk we took and after my company had gone home, I started to unravel the memory.

We met in a bar. Nice start eh? Oh, and I should also add that he was a sailor. Yes, I met a sailor in a bar......big strappy muscle man sailor guy with a smile as.........? He asked me to dance. I consented. We danced one song and while we waited for the music to begin again, we began chatting........name, rank and serial number stuff.......for about 30 seconds and then he jumped into some topic of some sort and we were off to the races. We stood on the dance floor surrounded by others (can't remember if we danced again........I think we did) but we ended up talking and talking and talking, flying from one topic to another. We yapped for so long that all of his sailor buddies (who had dared him to ask me to dance) had left the BAR! After we got off the dance floor, we sat down at the empty table and continued until last call. We covered the gamut.....including as I recall a long conversation about morse code of all things! He had just placed first in some morse code competition, which personally I found hilarious but also curious about and given that his buddies had filled him up with good west coast beer, and given that he was way more extroverted than even me, he regaled me with story upon hilarious story!



A couple of weeks later, after he returned to port..........does this not sound like a dime store novel???.......... he called me and asked me out. We decided to meet downtown in Victoria at a tearoom since we lived on opposite ends of the city. We sat in the corner drinking tea..........drinking tea with a sailor!..........and the time flew by. We had much in common........ interests, where we had grown up, dreams etc. After what seemed like 5 minutes but was more like three hours, we closed the tearoom and headed out for a walk. Our random chatter accompanied us as we walked along the cliffs of the Victoria harbour taking in the view of Mount Baker located across the way in Washington state. The wind was blowing, the sky was big and the path we walked on was sometimes so narrow that we had to go single file. At one point, we crossed a crevice walking along a huge log. We continued sharing our thoughts over the din of the wind until we found an alcove cut into the side of the cliff looking outward.......big enough for the two of us to sit in and take in the view. It was breathtakingly beautiful.



We both went comfortably silent in the blare of the wind....the randomness had left us while we took in the view of the crashing waves and moving clouds. My own thoughts revolved around how large the universe looked from this vantage point and how small I felt in the middle of it. I also felt so alive and knew i would never forget the moment as i lived it. My random talking sailor? He turned to me and echoed my own thoughts.........."even though I feel so small right now in this big vast world, I feel so alive. There is no other place I'd rather be." Just what a girl wants to hear from her sailor man. :)

We had begun our conversation jumping around like two crazy people, but we ended up in just the right place. This is what happens most of the time with two random talkers. It may not look like they know where they are going, but for the most part they end up where they should be.

conversations........

Saturday morning.........still quiet......except for the hum of the humidifier and the kettle on the boil. A time to catch my breath.....to breathe.........to silently find my focus again as I relive some of the conversations I have had this week, many of which feed my writing and most definately enhance my life. This is going to be a rambling post because I have a head full of different directions.............hope it flows in it's randomness..........

My work life especially is jam packed full of conversations............ooopps, wait a minute.....Sir Maxwell is up........off to have a morning chat, make some breakie and do some game day planning....



OK, I'm back after a catch up on dreams, hockey updates, requests for toasted bagels and plans for this afternoon's basketball play-off game he's involved in, baseball spring training........ big smiles as he settles in to watch sportsdesk and read the newspaper. What an old frigging soul he has!! Just like his Dad and his Grandpa.


Conversations........reflections..........

It's difficult sometimes to pull them apart from one another because they settle into the flow of my thinking, feeling and doing. They validate, challenge, intrigue, energize as well as wipe me out. They pick me up, swallow me whole, make me wonder............ well not the conversations per se, but the person or people I'm connecting with, the thoughts and questions they share with me and I with them.


Some are so meaningful that they stay with me while i try to sort out the meaning, or just replay the feelings and tone behind the words. Most of what is expressed is not found in the words, right? It's found in the essence between the words.....the hesitations, the tone, the body language, eye contact or lack of, their response to your comment.......the tumbling of the words on top of the words when you find you're both talking at the same time because you're so passionate about the topic, or you have such an urge to BLURT it out!


Some conversations are one sided in that one is doing all the talking and one is doing all the listening. These are perhaps the most meaningful for both parties, though don't you think? When two people are trying to outdo and outshine and outtalk the other, so much is missed. Whereas if the roles are clearly felt, the depth of the conversation is limitless........... and more importantly, it matters.


My heart has been heard..........


I heard his heart..............he knows I heard it.



I guess they aren't one-sided after all.........



Most of our conversations seem like fluffy tranparent "how are you's" tossed out like refuse. We're busy, we're being polite, we have places to go. What happens if you take just another minute to go past the nice salutations? Ask one more question and see what happens. Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things if you're a couple of minutes late?? Because I stepped out of the normal context of morning rituals at the local Deli and made a comment to one of the regular patrons who happened to be dressed up in suit and tie instead of his regular garb, I ended up in a great (quick too) conversation about an article in the paper on the importance of word count in speech making........how incredibly powerful a speech can be if you simply slow down, speak less words............and use the grace notes between..........Obama for example on average speaks 100 words per minute.............whereas Hilary? She's clocking in at close to 200. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.................... Later, I sought out the article and read it myself. Conversations do that don't they? They feed you with more questions, motivate you to seek out more.....

I have also learned that the woman who serves me a tea in the morning just got her income tax back and went on a mid week tear...........and was feeling a little green under the gills, but was thrilled to have gone out pubbing after a long drought........... I learned that one of my co-workers is struggling with not seeing her father since Christmas because he lives in another city and has been very ill. I learned that another co-worker was extremely tired, not having had a full day off since the beginning of November. It gave me the insight to realize that perhaps this is why complaints have come in on his lack of patience and his short temper responses to some of the people we serve.



You ask, and people will spill................... and it's all good. It's tiring too, and sometimes I come home after a day of many conversations and just have to be very quiet and reflective as I catch my breath, from talking and listening. It works both ways.


Some of my best conversations happen online. I love that. I can almost hear their voices. I can most definately feel their presence.



The most bizarre conversation happened when I stepped out the front door of my office building yesterday after a morning meeting where lots of talk happened. I saw a happy bouncy couple coming towards me holding hands and realized I knew them, though the last time I saw them they were bedraggled and homeless.......shook up in my office. So, with smiling enthusiasm, I greeted them and found myself enveloped in a group hug.....



"How are you guys doing? You look GREAT!"



"We are.........it's so good to see you......."



"It's so good to bump into you too. Are you headed to the Methadone clinic? "



"Yup! We're back on the treatment!"



"Thank God. Do you guys have a place to live now?"



"YES! It's great! We can't thank you enough.........we can walk into town and get our treatment now"



"Wonderful...........are you still under house arrest??"



"YES! laughing.........."



"Well, now you have a home to do that in! I couldn't figure out how you could be under house arrest when you didn't have a home to be arrested in. Remember what i told you......you've got a year to get your asses in gear and get yourself jobs. You have too much to offer this world!"



laughing.........(I've known them for a long time and can get away with pointing this out)



"We promise! Will you still be my guardian angel Dana if we fuck up again?"



"I'm running out of angel patience..................oh, and ___________ I have a book for you in my office.........drop by Monday."



"OK! What's it about?"



"Finding lost souls........"



"Oh, that sounds good........I think I'd like it."



"I think it was written with you in mind............" me smiling at her...........she laughed.



and that was it............too funny.........I shook my head wondering if anyone else on this planet has conversations like this. My God, it was good to see them laughing and in love. There is hope.



Some conversations lead to new paths being forged. Last Saturday night, I was out for dinner with my husband who asked me if I had seen the seat sale on flights to London. I hadn't, but perked up with this new information, wondering where the conversation was going to lead as I had hoped we as a family could plan a trip .........and he said.........."I think you should buy a ticket and go.......... I think you should go and meet Pip. We'll all go on a trip together another time."


And so I am................in May............and who knows who else i will have the opportunity to dip deep into the well of conversations? I'm open to them all...............wide open. I am SO excited.


Possibilities, making it happen............all start by sharing thoughts, feelings, yearnings and dreams. You keep that stuff to yourself and you will forever be treading water and not moving...... a good conversation can lead to horizons opening up for you. We do have a say in our destiny......

It makes for big deep breaths of satisfaction............and wide smiles at the very thought of a rambling level 5 conversation with my friend across the pond.

What's in a word?

Tori, who lives and writes just south of me in beautiful Maine wrote a post the other day about choosing a word to act as a thematic guide throughout the upcoming year.........a word which represented her personal goals and solutions for 2008. I thought it was an interesting idea. Tori chose the an all encompassing huggable word "embrace," defined:

1) to take or receive gladly or eagerly; accept willingly: to embrace an idea.

2) to avail oneself of: to embrace an opportunity

3) to take in with the eye or the mind.

4) to encircle; surround; enclose.

5) an act or instance of embracing.

I like it. It has open hearted, open minded possibilities. It can be applied to all parts of life, and to any and many goals I can think of.


After reading her post, I began to think of a word which would suit me........which could possibly be my guide. What I was seeking was something that could encapsulate the process of living in the moment in a multisensory manner. I wanted a word that signified possibility and potential personal growth. Off the top of my head, I thought of a few .......


alert, alive, appreciate, enlighten, mindful, balance, harmony, consciousness, recognize, experience, vital, compassion, learning..........



I liked all of these words, but they didn't completely win me over. Then, I let it stew a bit while I read various snippets and quotes I had written down over the course of the last couple of months that had resonated with me. Abraham Maslow of self actualization fame wrote....."what is necessary to change a person is to change his awareness of himself." Simply stated and yet his words have big implications and meaning, especially when one considers that he was the guru guy who gave the world the ladder and ingredients to heightened actualization. Again and again, we read that if we want to change, it has to come from within. We can't change anyone else.......we might represent the Big Kahuna down here on little bitty googley earth, but we ain't Him.........so changing our circumstances, selves, journey has to have it's genesis inside our gizzards, where the light switch dwells.


Meister Eckhart, a mystic extraordinaire with a really cool name, who blew people away live and in person not too long ago............a guy whose wisdom I am presently discovering piece by piece and through my reading am finding that wisdom is fleeting and connected to the exact moment when we learn something new only for us to realize that the process of learning this only reinforces how little we know........wrote, "Become aware of what is in you. Announce it, pronounce it, produce it and give birth to it."



Be aware of it and then share of it..............love that! If it can help me, it can help you...........if what I have learned can make a difference, I need to pull it all together. Isn't he also stating in that lovely little piece of mystic advice that to recognize your gifts in order to make them real, meaningful and vital, it has to be given it away? I become more aware of who I am if I share of myself.


That prolific monk, Thomas Merton whose head spinning (mine, not his) insights (his, not mine) have helped me contemplate, peramubulate, matisticate the very idea of grabbing hold of the holy joyful rope of faith, stated this little gem: “The whole idea of compassion is based on a keen awareness of the interdependence of all these living beings, which are all part of one another, and all involved in one another.”




Compassion, interdependence, connecting, sharing, declaring, knowing ourselves and others, working on learning and growth through internal change.......wow. Wouldn't that be great to find one open ended blooming word which could be used as an overall objective with these key guiding quotes as the foundation? Is there such a word?



yes, there is..............awareness.




interestingly, it is found most boisterous when all the other words are stripped away, and you are left with the silence of an aha moment.

• that makes you nod your head in recognition
• that feeds a sense of harmony
• that enlightens and makes you yearn for even more
• that frightens you into a feeling of insecurity
• that brightens your mind with stirrings of possibilities

Since the beginning of my blog experience, I have had the same word, the same concept guide me. Serving me while writing over 700 posts, "awareness" has been what I have continued to mine for. I will continue to let the words and guidance from that other mystic Priest, Anthony de Mello stated in the masthead of this blog guide me. I will hold it close as I continue on my rumbly stumbly journey.

Awareness is the lifelong goal. Awareness is the word for me.

"These things will destroy the human race: politics without principle, progress without compassion, wealth without work, learning without silence, religion without fearlessness, and worship without awareness....."

Anthony de Mello

pathos, passion and purpose....

fury, passion and heat of a summer storm

Loud honestly expressive emotions scare the pants off people. We are conditioned at a very early age to keep them under wraps because they make others feel uncomfortable. Cultural and gender rules complicate the acceptable map that chart what is appropriate, and what isn't, as do the stereotypes we have for nationalities. What is allowable in a very young child, is different than what is anticipated in adolescence, or what is demanded of an adult, or even what is agreeable from a person in the later years of their lives. Different workplaces and careers spin their own set of rules.

Can you imagine an intensely gregarious librarian with a penchant for impulsive stand up comedy outbursts while returning books to their appropriate shelves? What about a motivational speaker who decides to show up one day with a bag full of anger and decides to rant and rage from the podium? A Manager who breaks into song while reviewing the agenda for the meeting? Despite the fact that we are all born with certain temperments, the acceptable range of emotions is born by the societal norms we find ourselves in.

And rightly so.................for most of our daily lives. We learn to play the game because society needs some semblance of order and order only comes when we BEHAVE. Whether it's learning to repress our natural inclinations or to more fully express beyond our inherent comfort zone, we learn the rules and abide by them. I may WANT to share exactly how I'm feeling with people I encounter during a typical day, but they most likely don't want to hear it. No...................if you're asked..........."How are you today?" Our auto-pilot knee jerk response is a bland......."Fine, thank you. How's your day going?"

polite, acceptable, expected small talk.

Try walking into the coffee shop you frequent the most and answer that question posed by the person waiting on you with a different response, even if it isn't too outrageous..........like........

"I'm exhausted and premenstrually grouchy thanks. How about you?" Guaranteed, you will..............

a) be remembered

b) receive a dumbfounded responsive look from someone who isn't used to improvising or revising their own response.

Express your LOVE too much.....Describe how much you LOATHE or ADORE an activity........Detail the SORROW you feel over a provocative movie or an encounter you've had..........Wax poetic about the PAIN and ANGUISH you feel, or how INSPIRED you feel by a piece of poetry or..................play the evocative trump card and watch out. People are just not comfortable in that milieu. You will be dismissed as an eccentrically out of control nutbar. Intensity in public is frowned upon. Intensity EVEN out of the public eye, with most of the people whom we are the closest to is not received well.

For God's sake, keep the tear ducts plugged, your fantasties on file and your passions in your pants.

Repress your distress. Well, perhaps it's alright to say you are having a bad day and leave it at that. Tell someone you enjoyed their company thank you very much, but don't hug them TOO long or they will get the wrong impression. Be good! Be nice! When one has a tendancy to wear ones emotions more openly than the societal comfort level, it is like a breath of fresh air when one finds a kindred who isn't afraid to be the receiver of them.

This is why I love writing. Though we have a tendancy to censor a lot of what we share publically, the allowable well is deeper, and the rules for the most part are of our own making. Expressive thought written down tends to be more viscerally emphatic. There's an intimacy between the author and reader that is enticing.

Writing about how one feels is to offer a venue that says......guess what? You can journey with me on this emotional trip if you want, and hopefully you can relate because you've felt them too.

Let me describe my passions.......the big bright validating life affirming scope of emotions.

Let me describe what makes me weep with sadness, what makes me rage with frustration.

Let me find the words for my desires, my hopes, my loves, my whooping JOY.

Let me stir around in the complicated silence which echos the pathos of my heart.

Let our emotions tap tap tap our thinking..........not to drive our decisions, but to add outward clarity to our inward prayers.

Writing is a cathartic character building boulevard where words merge with effervescent efflusivity. And as much as blogging is a public forum, it still has an anonymity shield which offers a chance for interaction to be a more intimate and acceptable place to display our worries, our frets, our longings. Strangers become friends because the happy hour small talk is cast aside. Blemishes are acceptable. Beauty is more robust. It can be a place where one can spill out doubts as emotionally charged as one wants.

As for the people in my life whom I have a history with outside of the blogworld who read and worry about the intensity of it all? For the love of PETE! RELAX! I personally cannot speak/write for anyone else except myself. My writing is my forum to put words to my thoughts and new ideas out while owning how I feel. I am not becoming a religious fanatic, however that is defined. What of it if I was? I am not about to take a long walk off a short pier........... I'm not running away, falling apart, losing my marbles nor changing my hair colour. (well, ok, I changed my hair colour to RED). I'm growing in the discomfort.

Wounds are never silent because they will begin to fester. They need recognition from the owner and I'm saying hello to them. I am simply poking the hibernating bear we all have lurking beneath the sheets of decorum, and LOVING the discoveries the writing has unearthed.

captured reflections.......

captured reflections

What I love more than anything about writing is the opportunity I have to take a snippet of my life, and to find the words to expressively reflect my perceptions of it. Whether it's an older memory or a recent one that has occured during the course of the day a chance to capture it with a net of descriptives fills the reflection with another dimension. A poem, a quote, a concept, a memory, or one single thought are all seeds which grow in my imagination. Writing empowers the growth of the seeds. Writing about it brings the reflection forward.

An unexamined life is not worth living..............who said that? Though I have a tendancy to analyze ad nauseum because well, that's just how my brain is wired, taking the time to reflect on the day, the week, the year feeds my learning. Reflections offer refreshed perspectives which in turn allow for broadening how I view my world or the world beyond my front yard. It helps me understand human behaviour........my own as well as others. Using my net to pull in the words, I can make an attempt to put my reflections out there for others to consider.

Writing may be considered a solitary pursuit, but it doesn't feel isolating or lonely to me. Rather, it's the activity of conjuring up the original idea before it is integrated with the right words where solitary is found. I feel more alone when I'm still "in my head" so to speak than when I'm sitting at the keyboard allowing it all to flow out of me. It's like I'm holding my breath as the ideas solidify. Writing lets me exhale..........it breathes life as I go through the process of directing the flow of the oxygenated words stored inside me and then out through my fingertips. And as I breathe, I feel more alertly focused and spiritually connected to others.........past and present.

And when one feels spiritually connected, one never feels alone.

captured perspectives

5 oh, oh...................

favourite son genuinely amazed at his mom's big news

Welcome to my 500th posting.......

applause, whistles, shouts for joy, cheers, and smiles all around..........

oh, and confetti too? You shouldn't have........but I like it.

Writing has become a daily activity in my life, one that often takes precedence in my thoughts as I muddle through the rest of the day. Ask anyone around me.........they will most likely tell you that there are times when I'm out in lalalala land lost in the cosmos of late creating some such thing in my head. But you know what? It has paid off. My goal was to find the discipline to write everyday no matter if I felt the well of words go dry. I wanted to push through the fear of the word tap turning off. And, I wanted to allow myself a chance to freely write on topics and ideas which niggled at my thinking to a point where they wouldn't go away.

No themes, no clear direction, no parameters.........well, at least not planned out. They magically appeared.

I wanted an open forum to tackle whatever intrigued me. This seemed like the perfect arena. Though I have a few ideas for novels, have a bunch of plots and storylines mapped out, have a list of non-fiction type topics I want to explore in book form, the thought of starting out with that in mind was too daunting. My blog has offered me a chance to write in daily portions, in morsels which for the most part can stand alone.

Topics have run the gamut.......from political commentary (which I have set aside for the most part since this blog isn't so anonymous anymore) to work related observations, to poetry, sports, spirituality, family, friends, literature, religion. I have added some of my own photos as a way of highlighting my part of the world......and I have shared some stories of the people in my life. It feels like a colourful tapestry, though only part of the mosaic which is my life.

I have written, and I have learned. My writing has offered me new glimpses to my own understanding of the world around me. What has been unbelievably satisfying is how often something I may be chewing and stewing over resonates with someone else. What a gift!!

500 posts.........it makes me giddy.

Last week, I printed it all off. As much as I have learned to compose while sitting at the keyboard and only use my journal to capture phrases and ideas, I needed to see my words in print. I wanted to hold it in my own hands. I wanted to celebrate a personal accomplishment. It felt so good. Since then, I have filtered through the pile, picking and choosing pieces that seemed to have similar threads, collating the poetry....25 muskie made poems interspersed throughout 500 posts....I hadn't written a poem since I was 20 years old.

Everything I have posted was written in one go around.........for the most part unedited, and untouched since I clicked on publish and foisted out into blogland. My friend who encouraged me to write again, and who suggested my blog nom de plume after he lent me the book "Awareness" offered me one piece of advice which I continue to take to heart. He told me just to start writing.........to keep writing and not worry about the topics or whether I had found exactly the right word. And so I did..........and so it goes..........

Last night, I sat with a friend whose very good at editing and organizing me. Anne has been a faithful reader from the beginning and very supportive. Our conversation and her advice have pointed me in a productive direction with respect to pulling some of these musings together and making them stronger. This is my summer project.........one that I am SOOOO looking forward to. AND it is one I will be working on using my brand new laptop my family surprised me with on the weekend. It meant more than they will ever know, (simply because I havent been able to find the words without getting all choked up about it. The gift of my very own laptop sent the message loud and clear with love that despite the fact that there have been many days when my head was in the clouds, they get it.............and they want to support me in my pursuits.....

My project doesn't mean I will stop the flow here on my site................oh, hell no! I'm just getting warmed up. In fact, it really only feels I have slid under one layer of my skin. For me, it feels like the beginning of my awareness. And I do hope you'll continue to take part in the journey while I find the words emanating from my new computer.

POP goes the Champagne............yummy!

cue............

The Proclaimers.............I would walk 500 miles.............and I would walk 500 more

thought du jour.

“If you lose hope,

somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving,

you lose that courage to be,

that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all.

And so today I still have a dream.”
Martin Luther King

Don't you love the word VITALITY? It jumps right out at you with a fresh lime scent! Vitality should always be written out in with a big broad marker in bright GREEN.

It's a wide eyed open stance that dares you to dive right into something challenging and life affirming. Vitality comes alive when hope is fueled by dreams. My hope and my dreams sustain me. My hope and dreams are attainable. I too still have a dream..........LOTS of them.

Vital

Affirming

Hopeful

Charismatic

Creative

Smiling

Determined

ZESTY!!!

Focused.................. attainable goals.......

Vitality turns ordinary into extraordinary

Just a few thoughts after a great morning of writing reports and feeling like I'm getting a handle on the paperwork. My post last night, and the experience I had yesterday seemed to be a tipping point in my decision to make a decision.......... I don't know what my options are, but I do know that I feel less stuck with just the knowledge that I have the beginning of a plan again.

I feel good.........affirmed...........visible...........and worthy. I'm off to a fresh start meeting. Who knows if and/or where it will lead.

spilling some beans.......

You know you're in trouble when you can't settle down enough to watch a mindless yet exciting hockey play-off game. I've been pacing around aimlessly all evening..........flitting from one activity to another, one chore to another and not accomplishing squat. No, I'm definately unsettled. My brain seems scrambled and wired, but my body feels heavy and slow.

I will take a page from Pip and list the 5 emotions I am feeling right now.

1. drained
2. pissed off
3. frustrated
4. growly
5.unfocused

Not an upbeat list, n'est pas? It is an honest assessment.

This morning, while enjoying my first cup of tea, I read this small piece by Henri Nouwen which has remained with me all day and is the impetus for this post......

Writing to Save the Day

"Writing can be a true spiritual discipline. Writing can help us to concentrate, to get in touch with the deeper stirrings of our hearts, to clarify our minds, to process confusing emotions, to reflect on our experiences, to give artistic expression to what we are living and to store significant events in our memories. Writing can also be good for others who might read what we write.
Quite often a difficult, painful or frustrating day can be "redeemed" by writing about it. By writing we can claim what we have lived and thus integrate it more fully into our journeys. Then writing can become lifesaving for us and sometimes for others too."

How I wish I had met this man. More often than not, I have read something Nouwen has written and am blown away by his insights and the timeliness of my reading/finding it.

So...........tonight I write for all of the above reasons.........and to settle the unsettled.....and perhaps to find some meaning.

I truly have a love--hate thing happening in my workplace. I love the work with clients, especially when I am on the road, which I was during the first three days of this week visiting them in their own homes...... my post on Monday was an exceptional situation. Most of my "home visits" are nothing like that.

I love counselling and meeting new people. I love helping the ones who need help, learning from them all and hearing their stories so that I can relay them onto paper to advocate on their behalf. I also love teaching and facilitating, which I don't get to do as much as I would like, but when I do have the opportunity, I am more alive and focused than in any other work activity besides counselling. It's a natural fit for me.

Unfortunately, I am working out of a poisoned environment that I can't seem to rise above. It is dysfunctional on so many human resource levels that even the air in the building seems to be tainted. Since moving over to this building to be on this new "team" (and I use the term with a sarky tone) I have tried time and again to find resolution, to find a way to make it work. Not a damn thing has worked. I hate the place. It sucks my energy and literally leaves me in a mindless disarray. I have yet to reach the level of productivity I once had before I was moved out of my original team "family." It's like I'm working on one burnt out cylinder when I enter the building. I'm firing on all cylinders when I'm on the road or engaged with the clients. I'm firing on all cylinders when I'm in front of a group facilitating. In fact, I arrived this morning freshly fired up from three days on the road, with the zippy energy to deliver a workshop during a team meeting. By noon, I was completely void of all zip..........and filled with disgust and rage.


Today, the rubber met the road. I realized I'm in a no-win situation.......

As part of my job responsibilities (which after 7 months are still being defined and clarified...........why this is taking so long is beyond my comprehension) I was first up at the unit meeting to provide my team with some insights and information on Learning Disabilities and Attention Deficit Disorders. Many of the people we work with and/or their children are diagnosed with these labels. My team, who has NEVER had ANY type of training in human relations or relationship building, had requested this topic and were keen to engage in a facilitated discussion. It was the second such opportunity for me to share some of my knowledge and to be useful to my new team. The last topic I covered was a very beginning view of what schizophrenia is. They had found it helpful, and since then they have all arrived in my office individually to ask me about a particular client they had encountered, or to talk about their own personal experiences with family members etc who have been diagnosed with some form of mental illness.

So, I'm up in front of this group of 8 people including my supervisor who is sitting in direct line of where I am standing. I begin by starting a conversation on the basics of communication.....verbal vs. non-verbal......... of how sometimes people with serious learning disabilities lack the skill to effectively read non-verbals.........that the term "learning disability" is an umbrella term which encompasses many language or numerical glitches in learning. We talk about how a person with a learning disability most often scores high on an IQ type test, unlike someone who is developmentally delayed. One of my colleagues asked many questions about Attention Deficit Disorder and whether or not someone diagnosed with that also has a learning disability. I knew he was asking from a personal perspective. Both of his sons have been diagnosed with ADD.........he shares his frustrations with the school system.

The session is going well...............I LOVE the interaction..........I can see they too are firing on different sparks...........they are making connections.........examples of encounters they have had with clients who couldn't read, or couldn't follow instructions are shared............

AND all the way through this lovely hour, our supervisor sits directly across from me with her whole body turned away. When she is sitting forward, her arms are firmly crossed and her facial expressions depict something close to disdain. She wiggled and jiggled and crossed and uncrossed her arms. She harrrumphed and hemmed and hawed........ she did her non verbal best to disrupt the flow of the session.

AND THEN.....AND THEN.....she abruptly stood up in the middle of the session and left the boardroom. The woman bolted!!

This rude and immature behaviour is not new to me. It is the type of behaviour I have been experiencing for months now. I was initially shocked by her disrespectful rudeness and the reaction from my colleagues....HER staff was immediate........."what the hell was that all about?" "What is her problem?" "I can't believe how rude she is to you."

Calmly (don't know where the calm came from because I really had the urge to follow her and choke her........I think I was comforted in knowing I hadn't dreamt it, and that others had seen her behaviour that perhaps the calm came from there) I continued with my session after I shared with them how relieved i was that they had seen it too.

Afterwards, I was livid. The list of slights, disruptions, of being ignored and treated rudely, of interuptions and lack of knowledge or interest regarding my role or the skills I can bring to the table......the fact it took this supervisor 3 months to request and read my job description and my resume.........the forgetting of sending me emails to inform me of a meeting and then showing up in my office to tell me I had been missed........the ongoing bullshit because, as my colleagues stated, I somehow threaten her..........the bad chemistry and personality clash we have both felt since the beginning......GROWS and GROWS and GROWS............!! When she is around, she is loud and obnoxious. Her laugh is a cackle that reverberates off the walls......I'm not kidding. She gives me headaches and triggers my own disgust for incompetence.

In the past 15 years, I have had ONE ONE!!! supervisor who was an effective leader, who knew how to work with people. It blows my mind the level of incompetence of management. It blows my mind that the root reason for the anchorlessness of this office I am in is the result of the misfiring of management cylinders.

Here's an absurdity......... As I was out on the road for 3 days, my supervisor along with all her flunky co-horts were taking a 3 day Management workshop delivered by the guru himself, Stephen Covey. oooooooooooooooo, that worked out well!! So, the first order of business is to disrupt your newest employee team member during a workshop in front of her colleagues. I wonder what chapter of highly effectiveness that is!! Sweet Jesus!!

So............as I tried to settle and realized I couldn't.............as I acknowledged that this situation is not going to get any better, that I am not AT ALL interested in "talking it through" or "figuring it out through some form of mediation with her" ............as I accepted the fact that this woman for whatever reason doesn't like me and I know I can't stand her.......... I realized it's time to take action. Knowing how I could very easily really mess things up if I opened my mouth and followed the venom sitting in my heart, I chose to get the hell out of the office this afternoon and contact someone who may be able to help me. At the very least, he can point me in a different direction and offer some guidance as to how to deal with this nasty situation from an HR perspective.

Tomorrow, I meet with the one and only Manager I worked with whom I have complete regard for. I am so looking forward to spilling my story..........I am so looking forward to spending time with someone who respects me and knows my talents.....who will encourage me again, and listen with care and concern. He answered my call to be rescued. Thank God, because quite honestly I have been living in the Twilight Zone and was beginning to believe it was normal.

So..........................I have spilled some reflections............I have used up some words........ I have put some linearity to my puffy eyed thinking............through the writing, I am now feeling

1. less angry
2. more drained, but in a good way. I think I can go to sleep now
3. motivated
4. hopeful
5. thankful for being able to laugh at the absurdity of life.

Henri Nouwen is right.......writing can redeem a difficult and painful day. In fact, now that I have some perspective, I can honestly state that I most definately had a better day than our friend Hugh Grant. Unlike Hugh, I just spilled the beans. I didn't toss them.

I'm now off to watch the end of the hockey game.

me, you, we and winning the cup.........

bunched up belonging

For a while, I have been sideswiped by different thoughts and feelings about the the meaning behind "sense of belonging," which have been driven out into the open through the life events in and around me. My questions and observations continue to feed my reflections, continue to add to my understanding of what it really means. Personal insights......where I fit and why.....where I want to fit and why... where I don't fit and why....... have filtered out as well. Though I'm left with a market basket brimming with thoughts, I want to try to encapsulate some of them.

What is belonging? Is it crucial to feel like you belong or can you live without it?

Is it a place where you can feel a sense of security, a sense of self? I think so.

Belonging is the life affirming glue which pulls together communities, teams, families, groups, congregations.

If I was to describe who I was, I would most likely use labels which identify my personal connections......all of which point to where I belong.

Wife, Mom, Daughter, Sister, Friend, Counsellor, Teacher, Colleague, Neighbour, Gospel singer, Tri-athlete, Gum chewer.......... they all point to a sense of belonging........hey, even Blogger!

OK.......I'm not a tri-athlete nor am I a gum chewer............well I am a gum chewer who doesn't sing in a gospel choir.

But then.......these labels don't even scratch the surface do they? They don't explain the roots and nuances of the relationships which would impact yours and my own understanding of significance. PLUS.......I can't be any of those things or play any of those roles successfully or effectively if I didn't have a comfortable core of me as a human being.

A human being clarifying her faith. We are human beings learning to live our faith. Now, that's a thought....



Belonging is where one emotionally and spiritually feels at home......
a place where we have the confidence to test out new waters,
to stretch in new directions,
to be able to let out big sighs,
deep cries,
loud whys.

a place where we learn
to connect
or to disconnect with others
and then reconnect again.
It is a place where we can safely learn how to deal with and resolve conflict

Belonging is where we learn what love feels like.
It is where trust is born.

It is where we can look around and say to ourselves..........
"Yes......WE fit."

A couple of weeks ago, I sat in a boardroom surrounded by a group of people whom I've shared much with and they with me. There was an unspoken bond shining through smiling eyes as we shared lunch. It felt right. Like the others, I felt the right fit. I could be myself........let my hair down so to speak. A combination of the right chemistry and years of accumulated shared experiences have allowed the belonging glue to work it's magic.

Last week, different boardroom and different individuals where we had come together to celebrate a co-worker's pending retirement. There was a completely different feeling to the chemistry......a kind of repellent instead of an attraction. Though many of these people have worked together for many years, I didn't get the sense of belonging emanating from the others.

Personally, I felt like I had intruded. I certainly didn't want to stay long, and I had no antecdotes to add to the punch. But then again.......NO ONE did. How strange. It seemed awkwardly dysfunctional, and I think it stemmed from a complete lack of cohesion which happens if there is no sense of belonging. With no sense of security, people kept their guards up. I was in the majority who held back the urge to bolt.

So...........how does one create a work environment which will nurture a sense of belonging? Sometimes, it just doesn't happen. The chemistry isn't there. You see that with sports teams. Your team could have the very best, most remarkable set of individuals dressed in the same jersey, but if things don't gel, the team will be cellar bound.

However, if the team has a few leaders who have the right chemistry to encourage openness and the desire to understand one another, the same drive, philosophy and approach to the game......IF they are willing to learn, share, teach, and be patient with a new team player who is just getting their footing..........they may not have be the hardest hitters or the best runners, or the ones with the golden gloves.........but they will find themselves in the World Series...........or the World Cup, or the Stanley Cup.....or, or, or........ You always hear the words in the championship player's interviewers include........we ALL worked together....it took the whole team to believe in ourselves etc.......indications that there was an enormously keen sense of belonging.

Too bad we can't bottle its essence.

Maybe sense of belonging is simply a level playing field where everyone has a role to play, and where each role is connectedly interwoven with another role. Where one individual comfortably can rely on another to support and encourage......where there is trust to reciprocate this.

Kinda like the whole Body of Christ thing. Gee, if we could get that one working, we'd win every Cup, now wouldn't we? Hmmmmmmmm, that's a good goal for an enthusiastic group of human beings with many far reaching talents to strive for. How wonderful it would be to drink champagne from that Cup.......or perhaps we could fill it with delectable Cointreau? :)