a ghost just needs a home.....

 

Ana sat crumpled at the foot of the hill, a royal blue stone cupped in her hand. Exhausted in mind and body, she couldn't find the energy to walk up the path as she did everyday. She had lost the impetus to continue. She had lost her way. It simply felt too difficult to carry on with her mission. The meaning of it had slipped out of her grasp.

No matter what the weather, Ana had treked up to the top of the hill to place a stone she had carefully chosen and carried onto the pile which had accumulated over time. This was her lifework. She loved her stones and usually took pleasure in choosing the ones who spoke to her. Over the years, she came to believe stones were a home for spirits. They individually held ancestral stories. They were our collective legend. 

Her best days were when Ana discovered a diamond in the rough......a stone which resonated heat from its core when she cupped it in the palm of her hand. She called those ones "touchstones" because they seemed to carry lovewisdom in them, derived from living in the heart of eternity. Touchstones, she believed held the stories from the past......full of ancestral feelings. Through her eyes, the collection she had accumulated was a living piece of art....a choir. Recently, the stones had become silent. Her mission, she questioned.

There were days when she would fill a whole basket full of stones and carry them up the hill. Most days, however, she journeyed with a single solitary one, like the blue gem she was holding onto. All of them were uniquely imperfect and multi-coloured.....some with pink coral bits of quartz that sparkled in the sunshine, some more muted in a rich brown like the cliffs that framed the river below. One at a time, she would place them onto the evergrowing, everchanging pile, and step back to see how her work had shaped a difference. The hill was indeed growing, as was the sculpture of stone spirits. It had felt right. Her sense of purpose filled her with a productive connection to the rest of the world, that this is what she was put on this planet to do.

Today, she had lost her footing. Her shoes were worn, full of sole stabbing pebbles. Sadly, it also seemed silly all of a sudden, and this awareness tripped her own spirit with used up air. So many people had questioned her lifework over the years, had put up boulders along her path but she was always able to overcome whatever the obstacle. Her optimism and focus usually slayed the negativity and doubt. "A ghost just needs a home....." was her reply.

For some reason though, the opponent's words now haunted her thoughts and the more she listened to them replay in her head, the more she felt rejected. She looked at her worn scarred hands dried and cracked from the salty grit, remnants of her labours, her nails chipped and ugly and was overwhelmed by a sense of futility. Misunderstood and unloved, that's how she felt. Her mission rejected. Her person rejected. When did her own self entwine with her mission? When did they become one in the same? She didn't have the answer.

As she sat in a heap afternoon, Ana looked at the last touchstone she had discovered. It was a smooth blue stone with white cracks etched on its surface. Its size fit perfectly in her palm, but it was far from perfect. In fact, it held character.......with chipped edges softened by the tides. This one  she had carried with her for a long time.  For some reason, she couldn't part with it.  Instead, she had kept it tucked in her pocket for company. 

So, as she sat questioning whether or not this truly was her legend or whether it was about to change, she found herself clutching onto the blue stone rubbing it's softness., hoping the spirit it held would speak reassurances.  She ran her fingers unconciously over its fissures feeling the warmth generated from her touch. It helped her surrender her worries to the air around her. The more she repeated the movement, the more she could feel her muscles relax and her mind clear.

Time stretched on unnoticed as Ana found comfort in her meditation.....so much so that she was startled completely when she looked up and saw a man hiking down the hill close to the path she used everyday. In all of her days working on her mission, she had never seen anyone else on her hill. But, there he was. His steps seemed light and energetic, his arms swinging in purposeful motion. Continuing to stare at him like he was an apparition, Ana stood up to greet him as he reached the bottom of the hill.

"Have you been to the top of the hill?" he asked smiling.

"Oh, yes," Ana replied, "I walk up every morning," her reason kept silently in her pocket cupped in her hand. "And you? Is this your first time hiking in this area? I'm surprised I have never seen you before."

"You've seen the altar then?" he asked boldly. 

Before she could overcome her confusion and gather her thoughts he continued...."Our paths probably havent crossed because I always take my walk at this time of day after I've finished my work. I find this is when the angle of the afternoon sun gives the altar a warm welcoming glow. Somehow, the stones someone has placed together comes alive and sings to me...." The look on Ana's face must've made the man realize she didn't know what he was referring to. He continued..."you have seen the altar, right?"

"No, well yes I have," blurted Ana, "it's just that I see it as a piece of artwork and nothing more."

"Oh, it's much more than that. Maybe you've never experienced the feeling because you're usually here in the morning" he reassured her. "Someone has worked very hard to build a beautiful chantry and at this time of day, when the sun warms and reflects its light off the golden touchstones the spirits share their wisdom with me. I hope you don't think I'm crazy, but I have found a place where I can lay my worries, where I can relax. It is where I come to pray everyday. It's where I give thanks."

"The stones speak to you? You pray there and give thanks?" Ana asked a bit dumbfounded. He tentatively nodded, unsure as to how this woman was receiving the informaton he shared with her.

"They speak to me too," she admitted...." which is why I have walked up this hill everyday with a new stone in my pocket to add to my art. I wanted to give the ancestral stories they hold a home."

"You built the altar?"

Ana nodded tentatively. "I never saw it as an altar. I saw it as spirit sculpture."

"Your piece of art is a place of worship. It is beautiful! Oh! I want you to see it with new eyes and in a new light....come with me," he said with the excitement of a young boy who has just discovered an abandoned treefort.

As they walked up the hill, the sun warming their backs, Ana explained why she was there at a different time of day. She also shared with the man how lost she had felt because her sense of purpose seemed futile to her now. She told him she was going to give up on her mission....and was so worried about what she would do next. He listened without judgement and only asked a few questions as a way to help her find her words.

It was a different path than Ana had travelled on every single day so when they reached the summit, she was approaching it from a new angle. So, as soon as the stones came into her sight, Ana stopped abruptly and looked directly at the pile of stones which suddenly had transformed from an abstract piece of art to what the man had described. She saw the altar. Not only that, she heard the choir of spirits reflected from the afternoon sun.

Smiling, she approached her loving stones....the ones she had given a home to....and knelt down in front of them. The man knelt down beside her and quietly whispered...."You may have started your lifework by providing a place where the stories could find a home, but somewhere along the line, your mission changed.....you have built yourself one."

"I see that now......I see that now...."

Ana bowed her head that day and prayed the only two words needed in prayer.

"thank you."

______________

postscript........  

I wrote this piece over a year and a half ago.  I was in a very different place and it entailed sitting at the bottom of a hill wondering what the purpose was of my writing and the obsession with it. 

We begin projects (ie blogging) with clarity of purpose and so often we lose the thread which ties us to the original reason. Or perhaps the reason for the journey begins to take on a different meaning. For so long, I saw myself as a "collector of stories." The stories others shared had a home within me. They had a voice too when I became a storyteller.  I am a counsellor and a writer.  My blog is the temporary home I chose to collect my "touchstones..."  I set out to create a piece of art through my writing.  I now see that I have been building an altar.  Today for the first time, I see this.  

Amazing grace. How sweet the sound.

Somewhere along the line, as I collected and shared.....the meaning of my work, the direction of my journey began to take on a new shape as I realized the touchstones in my life have been providing me with lessons and have pointed out the direction of a new path. Though it is still a bit blurry.....my vision needs some adjusting, I am finally seeing that perhaps I need to personally find an altar I can call home. 

It wont be a traditional one.  I ain't a traditional kind of gal.  I clearly don't see myself studying to become a Minister working within the walls of a church.  I'd rather be out in the forests looking for waterfalls and talking to lost waifs.  I see myself facilitating...... up in front of others.  My vision however, always  begins at the source of my writing.  This is what will lead me.  This  blog is  where I found my voice.

I have a long way to go.....and I don't know the way or even how to go about it. But I do see it and my God, I'm blessed with the guidance of many to help me along the way. It is what I want. The spirit in me  just needs a home.  The foundation is set.  I am unstuck walking up that hill, a blue touchstone in my hand.  Let the choir sing.  

the magic of writing

The other night, I was trying to explain to someone about my penchant for writing, and how it is an avenue for learning, both personally and hopefully for others.  It makes me think.  It allows me to feel openly with abandon.  Writing allows me to express feelings beyond what is socially acceptable.  I put it out there with the hopes of punching a hole in the beliefs of another and allowing the feelings to seep out.   

It was difficult to find the words to describe how much of it is the process rather than the end product .... how I choose a topic and then allow the words to find me then flow through me like I'm simply a vessel to allow those words to carry thoughts out into the public domain.   I don't know whether I made sense.  It was after sipping on a Mojito.  Since they tend to numb the lips, there is a chance I simply clouded the conversation with gibberish.  

Tonight, a friend sent me a video that really hit home.  The woman is a fictional writer from Turkey named Elif Shafak.  Her message, which included some of her own story, was so compellingly accurate to the beliefs I carry with me about writing fiction.  Though it appears that I write autobiographically, and indeed have done more so in the past couple of months, the art of writing fiction is where I gather the most pleasure from. There is nothing more sacred for me than to slip into the abyss of my imagination only to be able to hook onto a story that is created simply for sharing as fiction.  

So often,  I write a piece and automatically there is an assumption that the feelings expressed through a character are ones I am feeling personally.  Sometimes, even when I write in first person, I am writing fiction. Or if I'm sharing a story of another person I have met, it is assumed that this is the full story of one person.  Particularly when I write a piece that is oozing in emotional description, its not uncommon for someone who is close to me to ask me if I'm alright because the intensity of what I have written frightens them into thinking I'm some suicidal crazy person.  I'm not.  I am definitely not myself these days, but I am pretty solidly grounded. 

One the points this woman in the video made resonated with me.  As she described what it was like to be labelled a "multi-cultural" writer, not only did I realize how often we do that....... expect someone from another culture to only write about that and nothing else ..... I realized that my own writing pegs me with certain labels.  I hate labels.  I write what is in my heart at the moment.  

Most wholeheartedly, I write from experiences but also from my ever vivid imagination. It is therapy.  I love the process.  And when it flows out of me like it is tonight........ so that I feel like an open vessel channeling words and expressions that I have no clue as to where they originate, except to believe they are my way of connecting with God?  I feel blessed.  I feel responsible. I feel that the power of connecting unanchored thoughts to the visceral reality of words is something I wish I could bottle and sell. It is a beautiful feeling. 

What is in me is in you.  The gift I have been given is to be able to find a way of sharing this so that sometimes a reader will have an AHA moment.  It may be fiction that I'm writing.  It may be a true story I am sharing. Whatever avenue I decide to share, it is in hopes that I do cross into your boundaries and hopefully and tap on what is perceived as truth.  

"I feel therefore I am free"............... this is a quote she used in the video.  It jumped out at me!  How true !!!!  Writing is the way in which I feel the most freedom to feel openly.  So often, this is totally unacceptabel to others if it is done in any other manner.   When I attempt to express myself in person verbally, I often threaten others with how comfortable I am in being direct and honest.  I am who I am.  

Through my writing, I can express the same thing, but it is less intrusive.  It allows the recipient to either read it fully and absorb the intensity of what I am trying to describe, or they can walk away.  Being present face to face live and in person is sometimes too much for others.  When I heard this quote spoken by this woman, I smiled knowing that it is through our feelings we can embrace a sense of freedom far more reaching than if we live in a place where only intellectual thoughts are shared.  Who the hell really cares about theory or acquired knowledge if it isn't expressed from the heart in a passionate manner?  No one.  If you FEEL the thoughts and ideas, you are more authentically received.  Tell a story, you have a receptive audience.  Chatter away about theories, you have an audience nodding off.

Writing is therapeutic.  For me my writing began around this time 5 years ago.  It hasn't stopped.  It flows, unfolding as I write.  I usually start with a thought.......... one single idea, and then I open my heart and mind to let it flow.  While I type it comes to me. Not before..... Even the autobiographical stuff.  Rarely do i have pre-meditated intentions.  I may have sketched it out in my head, but it always, always, always surprises me where the thought and the ideas and even the sketched out story in my head leads me.  I love these kind of surprises.  I don't like surprise parties or the ones I have been tossed my way recently whatsoever, but I like when my own thoughts morph into a surprise!

What i hope is that it leads me to you.  I hope that what I write and how I write leads me right to you wherever you are, and wherever you long to be.  For me, it is a transcendental state of being.  It allows me to stretch beyond my own borders to a place where learning and shifting occurs without struggle.  For you?  I don't know.  It is such an individual thing.  What i write about may resonate.  It may even hit a raw place in you.  Or, it may simply miss the mark because of where you are in your life journey.  All I can do is put it out there for consideration in hopes that it is fodder for contemplation. I have no control over that. 

Actually, I have no control over a damn thing, except what I choose to put out there, and how I choose to react to what is offered to me.  

Was I successful in explaining how pivotally important writing has been in my learning journey as well in my spiritual healing one?  I doubt it.  Mojitos have a way of clouding the brain and sending you into a place where you want to talk about other dreams rather than something that makes you think too much.  It's best to inhale the scent of the evening primrose and sink into the lulluaby of personal story telling connections.  It's heart stuff.... which eventually nurtures the writing. In fact, moments like those are the nuances filtered into writing from the heart.  This is where the magic formulates.... in the connections with others.... where the process begins.

Here is the video.  It is a little long, but well worth our attention....

http://www.ted.com/talks/elif_shafak_the_politics_of_fiction.html

a night of good energy.....

Sometimes, just sometimes you stumble across a beautiful soul you can relate to that you'd like to spend a few more moments with.  May there be a shooting star beyond the late night  clouds to catch my wish as it propels into the galaxy.  May the energy shared linger on into another day.  

blue balls

Have I mentioned that I am the proud owner of a blue ball? Just one.  But, there are many scattered throughout the city, lovingly displayed outdoors by the women who possess them.  Some are green and some are blue.  Balls. Female Balls.  Magical.  Mystical.  Lucky.  And you thought they were only found on frigid males.

Originally, I was given a green one.  It sat in a decorative ball holder on table on my back deck.  When my friend Joy presented me with this lovely item, purchased at the Giant Tiger Boutique (she purchased them all!) I was informed that not only did the ball contain the power to change the tides in my life, but as the owner, I was now a member of a sisterhood.   Though I don't know these women yet,  I feel a connection to them in a JOY-full spirited way.  And, I will get to meet them in the fall when Joy throws a Balls party on the night of the harvest moon to celebrate the power of positive thinking.  You see, Joy knows "the REAL Secret....." and she spreads her nom de plume everywhere she goes.

All day long, the green ball absorbed the sunlight......... soaking it into its hollowness...... filling up with good karma. And then when the sun went down, it would GLOW a brilliant neon green. NEON KARMA! Every time I walked by the livingroom window, my eyes would gravitate to its incandescent light.  And every time my son would pass by the same window, he would stop and announce to me that the green ball creeped him out.  It was a pretty weird colour, I have to admit.  I waited for the tides to change.  

It was Joy who first told me in the spring when we met to discuss some business that I was in shock.  "You're in shock you know," she said.  I didn't really believe her.  You see, I was functioning and in fact had the ability to focus on the serious matters one needs good clear headed thinking.  We also had a good deep conversation that day.  How could I really be in shock when I was still able to put one foot in front of the other and get through a workday as well as deal with the stuff marriage separation is made of?? But, her words remained with me.  Everytime I woke up to the harsh realities, everytime I found myself in a puddle of tears, or bellowing out my anger, I would say to myself,  "Joy may be right.  This may be what shock feels like."   When she gave me my green ball around the beginning of June, I was still raw.  I can see that now.  Because I'm not that raw anymore.

I also know that about a week after I became the proud owner of the green ball......... my shock lifted.  Overnight, something lifted off me.... a veil?  A cloak....?  The heaviness was gone.  As soon as it did, I knew Joy was right.  I had been in shock!!  Now I know.... this will help me understand it in others.

A week after that,  while I was right in the middle of trying to write a fictional story that seems to have a life of its own, I received a seemingly outrageous email from Joy informing me that it has been driving her crazy....... that I should've received a blue ball not a green one.  I laughed!  But, something inside me felt the same way.   How nuts is that?? So, I emailed her back...... informing her that I thought she was correct and asking her why she thought this.... then I would tell her why I agreed. 

She replied........... "3 reasons.... You face the river, you are a water person, and it's creeping Max out."  

I replied......... "Agree!  I am a river girl, plus I have been trying to write a story about a little girl who meets a Blue Angel.  It has morphed from a kids story to a spiritual one all on its own and I can't seem to find the ending.  I think the glow of the blue ball would be inspirational...  I need blue light!"  Within the hour, Joy pulled into my driveway for the official ball swap.  We were killing ourselves laughing....... it seemed so ridiculous, but spirited.  Nothing like some lightness eh?!  I told Joy then that my shock had lifted, and she said she could see that.  "The tides have changed Dana," she said. "Do what you are doing to heal.  It's working........ and this blue ball will bring good luck.  I take this stuff seriously you know...." 

I put my new blue ball in the holder...... and waited for the sun to go down.  When it did, it initially glowed an indigo blue, the same colour my sister and I painted my bedroom in the spring as a way to radically change transform it into MY room.  A very good sign, I thought.  As the skies darkened, the ball began to glow the same colour as the blue in the ocean on a summer day.  It WAS a lot more calming.  I AM a water girl.  My gaze faces the river.  Water calms me like nothing else.   I look out at this glowing blue ball on my back deck, and I feel a warmth and a calm and a giggle knowing that it emits BLUE KARMA.  I also think of the other women I have yet meet who have the same silly thing sitting on their back decks!  I can't wait to meet them!!!

Since then?  So many weird and wonderful things have happened.  So many that its freakingly spooky!!  

The next day, I received an email from a new friend whose nickname is "acrossthewaters," who sent me photos of flowers that looked so much like the ones I take, which I refer to as flower porn.  I couldn't believe it!  Flower porn!!  From a person named "acrossthewaters! " After that, he invited me to go on a hike to check out a hidden waterfalls.... I mean, that is spooky!  Of course, I went.  How could I not?  Water! Revealing flowers? And it was there that I discovered Waterfalls therapy!  It's magical!  Acrossthewaters?  You bet. 

The tides turned....... and I was asked to deliver a sermon on God's abundance.  I had the chutzpah to say yes.  How could I mess up?  I was the proud owner of a big blue ball. More importantly, with a good deal of help from my friends (thank you Anne!!) I focused, researched, read, wrote and wrote and wrote......... edited and then REWROTE it all.  Before I knew it, I was standing up in front of a congregation which included the smiling faces of my friends and family delivering a message on the importance of connecting with others.  Blue light.  Do you know that blue light is also a reference to the Holy Spirit?  

The tides turned.  I've finished my story.  I really am proud of it because it ended up with layers and layers of spiritual meaning, which seemed to unfold on its own.  It turned out to be about a little girl who has an awakening when she meets a Blue Angel.... aka, The Holy Spirit.  Blue light.  It glows. The ending found me during a church service.  I havent posted it yet.  It needs more breathing.  Soon, I will post it here.  

I began to review the writing I have done over the past year.  The first story that jumped out at me was entitled River Girl.  Originally, I had written thinking that it was about someone other than me.  Hahahaha!  I re-read it and see how predestined it was....... how much I was aware of what was happening in my marriage and how I was feeling about being misunderstood and dismissed as odd and difficult.  I laughed!  

I took a risk and signed up for a day long workshop on Tension Release Exercises and became a believer in the ability to physically release pent up emotions.  It was a day of enlightenment....  a new "tool" to use personally and professionally because it completes the type of talk therapy I use in my job.  While there, I reconnected with an old acquaintance whom I had been wanting to see and talk to for MONTHS!  We used to bump into one another often and talk about religion and spirituality and I had this urge to seek him out.  We're now connected again.  

Last week?  I met with my Therapist Joan, whom I admire and feel a strong connection to.  She has been a Godsend.  She is the one who taught me that tears bring strength..... and points out to me how sacred this journey is that I have found myself on.

As I spilled my stuff that day, I was focused on how I am going through yet another work related issue on my own role as a counsellor. I shared a few stories from my past as a camp counsellior because this is where I began to see it as a career.  As I told her a few stories, I was thinking strongly about a situation with a person who was really struggling at the time and I had tried my best to help her.  She had to leave camp that year.  She loved camp as much as I did.  Because of the situation etc, we lost contact.  Until the evening after meeting with Joan.  After 30 years, I received an email, addressed to Muskie... me.  It blew me away.... my breath caught!  Tears flowed. We are now catching up on life.  

Coincidence?  I think not.  I stopped believing in coincidence when an Irish faerie showed up in my life 5 years ago who told me stories about river ghosts,  and spirits in trees and convinced me to start writing again.   Now that I have a blue light in my life, I riding these new tides........   BLUE KARMA.

So, If you're looking for me and i'm not home feeling the radiating healing powers of my blue glow ball?  This River Girl will be out in the woods soaking up some Waterfalls therapy. 

Yeah, I own a blue ball.  

I've got that going for me and more.  

Sunday morning JOY.

I first heard this Michael Franti song about a month ago while driving home from work. It LIT me up! Amazing how one song can boost your spirits up into the clouds.... This one does it for me. I love the very idea that Franti sings about.... that Rain is the sound of sunshine.... It is a metaphor for life.

This morning, as I thoroughly enjoy my Sunday morning just putting and feeling as sense of freedom and completeness, I am up dancing like nobody's watching. Well guess what? NO ONE is! I drove my son to the basement. My energy was too much for him to take.

Beautiful..... JOY on a Sunday morning. We create it with a little help from the music in our lives. Enjoy!!! Dance!!!!

ps. I have no idea why the youtube video doesn't fit within the borders of my blog. I guess because the song needs to be played loudly..... it's too BIG for borders. :)

swimming in your own stare....

Nobody, absolutely nobody gets out of this life without accumulating a series of personal emotional wounds.  Chances are, nobody gets out of this life without being the one who wounds another.  Even the kindest person trips up somewhere along the line.  Well, maybe Mother Theresa didn't wound anybody. 

Sometimes we just have to learn how to step beyond those debilitating feelings that make you double over in vulnerability.  Its tempting to remain stuck in sadness, anger, hurt, shame and/or jealousy because they have a tendancy to be SO big that they flood our thinking and our actions.  They leave you sitting on the sidelines swimming in your own stare, gazing without focus.....walking in circles, believing you belong there.  That's the temptation.....to grab hold of these devilish emotions and allow them to label you....

The offended one.

The betrayed one.

The rejected one.

The discarded one.

The abandoned one. 

 Look at all the labels one can choose from!!! 

Though it's important to look at the dark side of our feelings, to reflect upon the events which have been the culprit of the wounds, there comes a time when you have to step over them, leave them behind and move on.  Easier said than done....especially if you sink into a pit of self loathing introversion.  Swimming in your own stare.  This is what sinks you.  This is what fuels the apathy and strips you of any level headed reasoning.  

When you are going through a painful experience, its easy to hide away.  In fact, I think its the natural response........ FLIGHT from the pain. But, the pain follows.  The labels stick like humidity to skin. Wounded vulnerability drains you of energy.  So how do you pull yourself out of the bleeding?  

BLINK!  

Change your swim stroke! 

Stop staring at the same picture.

Ask for help........a little help from your friends.  :)

Surround yourself with the loving care of others.

Change your thinking with activity even if you are exhausted.

Write it out............ which is what I'm doing right now......

Do something you enjoy doing.  

Be kind to yourself.

Talk to God.

Sit still and face the wind and listen to His Spirit all around you........

Then, go out and do something for someone else.  Trust that your wounds will remained bandaged so you can be there fully for someone else. 

This morning, as I was having breakfast with a friend at the market, an angel who knows my situation and  who happened to be waitressing, leaned down and whispered in my ear that the woman who has recently moved to town and has played a major role in the demise of my marriage, and the break up of two families was in line to be seated. This angel, who calls everyone honey, told me that she loved me and didn't want to see me hurt.  

A rush of anxiety flooded me........ the wounds opened up in my gut.  I hugged my friend, thanked my angel and took flight!  By the time I reached my car, I was a shaking mess....upset that I reacted that way, and upset that someone's presence would make me feel like throwing up.  More than anything I was upset over the realization that I could feel the DEPTH of hurt I thought I had left behind.  It felt like all of what I have done to heal went right out the window in one caught breath. 

I really thought I had stepped over the wounds.  I guess not.  My bravery was too thin skinned to remain there with my head held high.  All day, I've been a mess.  My stomach was in knots.  My tears kept flowing.  Until NOW. Ever since I started writing this post, I could feel my strength and confidence return.  I DO know how to help heal the wounds..... it just takes more time than I had thought. 

It's been a wake up call.  It's also been an opportunity to reframe and remember all the things I HAVE done since March that have added to a deepening faith, to a sense of freedom and relief,  to a recognition that there was an emotional detachment in my marriage for a very long time.  More importantly, this jolt to my senses has informed me that my heart still needs mending....  Oh, and to give thanks to the angels in my life!  They are plentiful and everywhere!  I AM being looked after by the universe. 

I am humbled by the sacredness of this journey...... wounds bless and break.  They also teach me and feed me bread for the journey.  As a student of living out loud?  I will never remain on any sideline for long.....just long enough to change the gauze and the gaze!!  I am not swimming in my own stare any longer today. 

ps...... Wow, writing does heal!!!!  Now, I wish I had stayed long enough to get a glimpse of this woman.  I still don't know what she looks like!! Next time. Next time.

sifting through the sand......finding treasures.

I have the house to myself for a couple of hours tonight and it feels heavenly.  Not that I'm anti-social or dislike having people around. I do.  I love it.  Having my house filled with chatter and laughter..... with conversations and relaxations.......is the most wonderful music to my ears.  Nothing beats it.  Except sometimes...........silence.  Especially after a few days of BUSY! 

Its not really silent here either..........well, there's silence inside me.  I'm at peace tonight.  It's a hot sultry kind of night.  The fans are working overtime in every room.......... the lights are dim.  The sun has slipped out of sight, leaving just a wispy traces of pastel above the trees.  Its like someone dipped a brush into the river then dabbed a little mix of paint on its tip........ then waterwashed the darkening sky.  Tonight, the stars will be plentiful....... and almost close enough to touch.  Maybe a few shooting stars.... maybe a few wishes to be expressed. 

Good old classic jazzy orchestra music is playing on the radio..........with big soaring inviting voices to accompany the slow provocative piano beat........sultry, like the heat of the evening........ I picture myself dancing with someone....... no words, no need........ just moving together to the love words of the songs.  Tender comfort together.... and there is no one else who matters except the one whose eyes are locked with mine.   I picture this vividly.  Damn if I can see the face of the person I'm dancing with yet!! :)   Time will tell.  Time will tell. My gut tells me it will happen.  Don't know when.  But, it will. 

Music always sets a mood.  It certainly impacts mine.  It expresses those feelings we have no other language to describe.  It also unfolds my thoughts, like a flowing river moving through me.  Music allows me to sift through the sand to find the treasures nestled in my soul.  It feeds me air and somehow has the ability to touch something very deep and primitive in me.  

I'm in a good place.  I was sunkissed today after spending the afternoon at a local beach with a bunch of teens.  My face is tanned.  The heat from the sun continues to resonate.  It feels healthy and whole.  There is an awakening happening in me on so many levels, triggered often by seemingly small events that continue to add up.   This morning, I met with this woman who has been such a support and a guide for me since January.  She lets me spill my thoughts and feelings in a random manner and somehow manages to sift through the sand and salty tears, then magically offer up new insight treasures for me to ponder.  Tonight, as I let the music flow all around me, as I let the fans whir breezes of cooler air all around me, as I sift through the sand castles of my own making....... I see, feel, hear, embrace the shifting...... the awakening.  I feel silence inside........peace.

I am moving forward. Some days it is too quick.  Some days, I feel stalled so that I can let my spirit catch up.  Serendipity, the kind of crossover coincidences you know are more than they appear flicker as frequently as fireflies on a hot night.  This morning, we talked about being open to the sacredness of living a full life as authentically as possible.  We talked about how I so often find myself in situations where I end up having to compromise or cower my potential due to circumstances or binding rules.  I told her that it was happening again........... that I am finding myself in a situation that in order to remain there has the potential to smother my presence.  I was (still am) in a quandry as to why this continues to happen..... what part of it is my own doing?  

We talked about how some people see me as a threat.  I'm too???? I don't know what I'm too much of, REAL?  Direct?  Open?  Expressive?  I don't know.  I've always defined it as being a misfit.  I don't fit.  I'm a free spirit trying to stay outside of the confinement of rules and regulations.  And I don't react to the same perceived "work crises" as others do and that seems to bother people.  They perceive me as not caring enough to be fearful of consequences.  Instead, I see how sometimes a conflict or a crisis allows for change........ or at least to allow the processes that are in place to work it out.  

Here's an example that is minor, but it was evident.   I was asked to organize the reception for approx. 400 people after the graduation last week.  So, I did.  Quietly, I met with the Event planner at the local hotel, booked the room, ordered the food and drinks, described how I wanted the room set up............ asked for music to be playing in the background.  I sent an email to ensure that it was done.  The week before, I double checked with my contact, and moved on.  

I can't tell you how nervous people were around me.......... it was like they didn't trust that I had done what I was supposed to do because I wasn't flustered.  I like doing this kind of stuff, and I know how to do it.  On the night of graduation, I popped into the ballroom where the reception was going to take place just to make sure everything was unfolding as it should. 

Then, I went to the store and bought a bunch of flowers and decorated the tables.  I checked on the room after it was set up, made a few minor changes, asked for the music, and then waiting for everyone to arrive.  They did.  They were greeted.  The ate and mingled and took photos and interacted.......... students whom I have connected with this year sought me out........ At the end of the evening, a hand full of surprised sounding people who had asked me to do this were effusive about how well it went.  It was no big WHOOP!  To them it was.  But, honestly, it was no big WHOOP.  

There's something about this that tells me because I don't react the way others do......... part of that is because I hear so many real crisis stories that organizing a reception is put in a different perspective..... there is a lack of trust because I'm not taking it seriously enough?   This manifests itself in more serious situations pertaining to my counselling job.  This free spirit now is facing a major over haul of my job description.  Somehow they think they need to control the type of interactions/ connections etc I have with the students.   I'm sorry, but I can't go backwards.  I've already been there and I know how it impacted my whole being.......... I also know how it impacted the level of resentment I allowed to build up inside, which in turn added to the demise of my marriage.  I was never able to go where I wanted to go with my career......... it added to my resentment. 

It is not going to happen again.  Since March, I have moved forward.  I am unstuck, free, motivated, spiritually enhanced, determined, humbled, aware, and more awake than I have ever been.  I intend to figure out how to let my wings unfurl as they should be as WIDE and as BRILLIANT as God intended.  It won't be an overnight thing.............. it's a process, and for the first time in my life, I am patient.  The silence reinforces this......

There are many people in my life who aren't threatened by my light.  Thank God.  Thank God.  They have come forward with stories and encouragement that I never would've expected.  They have helped me see who I am and who I can be in a way I never saw before.  Their  love and support gives me strength of conviction to work away at sifting through the sand......... to not be afraid to take the risks and set out a new path......... "to work on my confidence so it equals my competence...... " These are the words I heard this morning and it  made sense to me for the first time. 

Tonight, as I wander through my thoughts in my home where peace has found me, where the music has opened me up to believe I will find a new dance partner one day.....tender comfort.......... where I can sift through the sand and find the treasures, I am sunkissed and very very glad this awakening is occuring.   This little light of mine......................I'm gonna let it shine.

Let it shine

Let it shine

Let it shine.......

And if its too scary or too bright for you.........put on your shades.

Summer is here.....So are the Guests!

Drip

Drip

Drip......

SPRAY.........

WHOOOSH!

The fans are blowing throughout the house.  It's not even 8 am and the heat is on.  Today is going to be a scorcher.  Today, I have three guest teens arriving for a couple of days to join Max and I in this bungalow of blazing glory......... two are from Columbia, so I'm not worried about how they can handle this weather.  But, the other youngin' is flying in from Iceland tonight!  Poor kid won't know what hit him! For the next two and a half days, we will be hosting them and helping them acclimatize to our part of Canada.  Look out beaches!  Here we come.

There are approximately 20 teens arriving from all over the world to attend a seminar camp run by the local CISV chapter (Children's International Summer Villages).  It is the same organization that ran the Village Max attended in Costa Rica last January.  But, this one is set up so that the Teens run it on their own.  There will be Mentors with them, but all activities, cooking, team building, interactive sessions, rules, scheduling, consensus building, conflict mediation etc etc..........all the components of group dynamics and living together will be led by the group.  They will be staying out at a local camp in cabins, on a lake......with all the facilities needed for a good time.  However, they won't be entertained, scheduled...... or directly led.  The leading is theirs to grab hold of.  

Because of the different cultures and languages, it will be challenged to figure out effective communication strategies, and their empathy and emotional literacy skills will be tested.  It will be difficult at first..........probably small groups will form based on personality and geographical similarities.  But, I guarantee that within a short amount of time, with the guidance of the CISV Leaders, all of whom have had experience with the organization and in group dynamics in some capacity, they will grow and stretch and learn and mature..........  And they will leave with new perspectives, and an understanding that in the greater scheme of things?  We are all the same under our skin.......below the surface.  Our hearts pump the same.  Our hearts feel the same things.

Sure, there will be personality clashes.... it kind of reminds me of Big Brother, but no one is going to get kicked off the campsite!  Guaranteed there will be a couple of misfits.  Chances are they will have at least one difficult personality in the group that may be suffering through their own homesick issues which may make their behaviour a testing ground for patience.  Let's hope there are a few outgoing ones who stir it up, make them laugh, know how to get along with anyone.  And I really hope for their sake that the chemistry amongst them all is one that enhances their gifts and cradles their weaknesses.  

Originally, I was supposed to have organized this 3 week camp.  But, I had to pull out last fall when I realized things were not great on the homefront and I had taken on enough outside of here to thoroughly tax my waning energy and wonky focus.  I'm grateful I did now, because I wouldn't have been able to lead it like I wanted to.  The timing just wasn't right.  This morning though, as I do the last minute things around the house and head out for a BIG grocery shop, and wonder how in the heck I'm going to keep this house cool enough for 5 hot bodies to live comfortably in until Friday (when the heatwave is supposed to die down!) I wish I was heading to the camp with them to watch the drama unfold.  And to be a part of it all.  

What I will get to observe and be a part of is the before and after.........oh, and a visit in the middle.  

Tomorrow is definately a beach day..............which one is up for grabs?  I'm voting for Parlee Beach.  But, I only have one vote...... so we'll see.   In the meantime, time to don my Hostess with the mostess hat, my camp counsellor enthusiasm, and get a move on!  I may have to teach them a thing or two about waterslides..... Or, I may be the one observing,  standing under the sprinkler cooling off.  Either way, I'll be there, learning too. If you're looking for me...........  Wish me luck.  :) 

crossing muddied waters.......

Boundaries have a life of their own.  Just when you think they are set up in a fashion you can live with, a new situation, perspective or person seems to come along and knock over the fort.  Or they swim across the moat..........or you reluctantly let the drawbridge down and Badaboom!  In they walk....... into your life, into your space, under your skin.  They seep into your awareness circle and alter the boundaries you have so purposefully and thoughtfully laid out.  Space invaders! 

Most of the time, you have some control over who gets to come in close.  Other times, you have no choice.  And of course, those are the times when it really takes a good "letting go" of the control panel to eventually come to terms with the new boundary.  How do you do that?  I've been working on this now for a month or so when I learned that the nefarious other woman was moving into the vicinity.  I know it is illogical for me to be all flustered about it, but dammit I am! 

Personal growth resides most effectively in the neighbourhood of Discomfort Heights.  But, do I want to live there?  Its nice to visit from time to time, but do I really want the neighbourhood I call home uncomfortable ? .......  the few square mile radius to be rattled by a boundary crosser........one who has upturned, upset, and upstarted my life and the lives of my children? NO!

Since there isn't a hope in hell this woman is leaving anytime soon, I have to seriously alter my thinking and feelings even though I certainly didn't welcome her to move close to my neighbourhood.  I don't even know what she looks like, though I've been given a vague description which has only informed me that she is most likely the direct opposite of me physically and personality wise.  Yet, this apparitious paramour is already ensconced as a permanent fixture in my life because she will eventually develop some kind of friendly rapport with my children and obviously has with the person I once considered the love of my life.  So, please tell me..... how do I get to a point of not caring about this? 

For anyone who doesn't live in this God forsaken small town we call a city, this place is notoriously TINY!  There are no degrees of separation between folks.  Everyone seems to be related or at least connected through one friend/cousin/acquaintance.  It's uncanny really.  So, my obsessive compulsiveness concerning this uncontrollable boundary move has some merit.  Even if it didn't, it does in my pointy little head. 

Why do I even care?  It's not rational. But then again, am I normally a rational kind of human being?  Hell no!  I'm a spontaneously combusting emotionally driven overly sensitive trash talking spouse who was dumped because of all those unpredictable feelings!  I AM SCARY!  BOO! What a hellish embarrassment I turned out to be.  Hmmmmmm...........maybe I'm not the one who should be nervous?

I can be rational when I'm forced to be.  I can be when I am emotionally literate.  I can be if I put my mind to it......... if I let go of an uncontrollable issue, if I remind myself that in the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter and I shouldn't give a rat's ass about it.   But, really..........did she have to move in just up the hill from me?  Weren't there other homes on the other side of the river far away from the shops and services I frequent?  I already know she's a keener for Saturday market from reading her blog last winter, so chances are I'll cross paths with her there.  Its a public place.

I can get over these soulfully hurting feelings if I turn my cheeky cheeks, and just carry on. I have to let go of my ego driven selfish thoughts and give it up to just another situation I must learn to surrender up to a Higher Power.  There seems to be an awful lot of surrendering in life isn't there??

I have such an abundant life, and am even surrounded by neighbours who are looking out for me.  I have friends and family who protect me and most importantly help me get on with a new life.  And I have worked purposefully and slowly with this grieving and healing.   I've made unbelievable strides simply by taking new risks, forming deeper friendships, allowing my vulnerability to express itself, praying a lot, doing my own thing, finding waterfalls.........!  Do I need to put in any more time thinking about this? 

It all comes down to why we have boundaries in the first place.  They protect us for different reasons I guess......... and what do my boundaries protect me from?  Quite simply (but in no means simple) rejection.  The moment our paths cross, I just know I will feel the biggest jolt of rejection I have ever felt, and believe me this has been the most predominant feeling I have face in the last couple of years....... my awareness of how much it grew inside my marriage has ballooned over the past few months as I have chipped away at trying to understand just what went wrong.

So, where do I go from here?  How do I detach myself from these unhelpful thoughts?  The first step I've just completed.  I've given the issue wings and words.........I've flushed it out of my inner thoughts.  Then,  I will continue to remind myself that what is such a big freaking deal right now won't be a year from now.  It's just that when you are in the middle of living it, a year from now seems like eternity.  Then, I rethink and re-establish my boundaries and move on.

I wonder if she is still reading my blog?  I doubt it.  She's probably busy unpacking. 

across the waters.......it's so peaceful in here

I think I've discovered a new type of therapy.  Waterfalls Therapy.  Not the Niagara Falls kind..........the hidden in the woods, away from the world kind.  It's like finding treasure and serenity all rolled into one gift. 

Sometimes it takes a bit of exploring to find the falls, nestled secretly in the woods, out of view unless you know where to look.  But the journey is a part of the thrill of finding one of these treasures.  And in turn the first glimpse is guaranteed to put a smile on your face as well as the kind of child excitement that tickles you from your toes on up.

Our trek took us down a dirt road.  Initially, we walked too far because we were talking too much and missed the sounds we were supposed to be listening for.  When we turned back, we began to hear the rushing of water. Though we couldn't see the waterfalls from that angle, we took a chance and headed down a steep decline through the woods........taking it slowly and using the tree roots as footholds and branches as hand security.  As we made our way down, the view of the waterfalls came into sight.  It was gloriously cascading through a gorge which cut through the granite rock like a precision instrument and showered into an accumulating pool of cool, cool water.  The site was enough to take your breath away.

We made it down to the bottom of the falls, surrounded by the cliff gorge resplendent in pine and greenery ..... every single shade of green was present.  The sunlight filtered through the trees landing in patterns of its own making........ lighting various plants and ferns......... touching down on the moving water with a kiss of goodness.  With not another soul in sight, we had this little piece of heaven all to ourselves.  To say it was magical doesn't do it justice.   

A line from a Van Morrison song came to mind........ "This must be what paradise is like........it's so peaceful in here..." 

The irish have a term for that feeling when an acute sensory awareness of body, mind and soul merge into one.........when you feel that you are lifted up out of an ordinary life into an aura of enlightenment.  They refer to it as a "thin place."  You feel more alive and energized, but it is combined with an inner sense of calm that I can only describe as bliss.  When you reach this place the air is refreshingly oxygenated.  The more breaths you take, the more bouyant you feel. As your pores open up to receiving the happiness and hope floating all around you, it seems as though you reach a point where you believe anything is possible.  Anything is possible because you have been given the gift of inner completeness.

The feeling is fleeting......bliss never lasts.  But, the long term impact is life changing.  You enter a thin place, body mind and soul, and you are never the same again.  How can you be?  If you've tasted, touched, seen, heard and inhaled beauty, the lens with which you use to see your own world has shifted.  It reinforces one's belief in a Higher Power.  It offers you the best opportunity to slip a prayer into God's mailbox.  

You never ever forget the moment.  It is gratefully etched in memory.

On Canada Day, I quietly sat on a large rock in the middle of the woods halfway up a small gorge created by the flow of one river.  In front of me was an eternally cascading waterfall dropping down into a pool of water glistening in the morning sun.  Right beside me the water rushed past in rapid churning down to the bottom of the gorge where converged with another river forming swirling pools of water.   

The welcoming rumble tones soothed as well as exhilarated the thin air.........it's constant sound echoed off the granite walls in lullaby fashion, similar to the rolling in of tides.  I had no desire to move. In fact the whole multi-sensory experience allowed me to relax into a meditative repose of being placed right in the moment where time releases itself.  

Unburdened by all of the responsibilities and constraints of daily life, I sat in bliss.  In front of nature's altar, beside the rushing water, bliss kissed me.  And all the air went thin......... leaving me in a place of awakening I will return to in mind and body as often as I can this summer.

 Herman Hesse wrote, "Within you there is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can retreat at any time and be yourself."  When you've experienced, JUST ONCE, the holiness of thinness, you have been given the key to finding that inner retreat again.  

The moments when you are captured inside a thin place may be fleeting, the sense of wonder nestles deep into our hearts where they glisten like prayerful gems, which reflect a dawning comprehension only felt when we are touched by God's grace.  Our lives are far more enriched when we are receptive to the possibility of this experience because I truly believe these may be our best attempt at understanding the mystery. 

blue light

Service....... 

It's all about the journey to an awareness of our gifts.  Its all about being open to sharing them.  Whatever the venue.  When we give, we receive more in return.  Sometimes what we end up receiving is new awareness of how we are being perceived, both negatively and positively.  Sometimes, there is a clear indication that our gifts are not welcome.....not wanted.  Sometimes they are embraced by the receiver with gratitude.  It's a bit of a crapshoot because all you can do is give.  Your gifts.  Be who you are.  Say how you feel.  Share kindness.  Be a good friend.  Listen and learn. You have no control really over how the other person will react, respond, receive.  You can choose only how you give and what you give out.

The key is trying to find the right venue, because if you're stuck in a place where wings are clipped and free spirits are not welcome nor understood, gifts collect dust in the back corner of the pantry. 

Meaning.......... Our lives are a journey of gathering awareness while letting go of our egos.  What I may want, what I hunger for is more than likely driven by obsessed ambition.  And we all know that when our vision is clouded over by salacious needs, we lose our footing.  We lose our way because our Spirit disconnects from our ego driven actions.  It doesn't want any part of it. 

Luckily our true Spirit...... like God is patient.  It knows that most of us humans are slow on the uptake.  WE seemed to need several toe stubbing, head slamming, body jolting, heart stabbing life events to finally realize that our lives are in good Hands if we allow our own to be open to give and to receive.  

So, how does one marry the two?  Service and Meaning? God knows.

Hey God!  You wanna shine a little more blue light on me?  Just a little more of that meaning-full blue light?  I promise I will sit still more often this month.......I have a feeling that's what you would like me to do.  To stop, look and listen........ with an open heart and a pair of open hands.  It's time to seek out answers to just exactly what venue would I fit in to be able to be of good service....where is this place that will allow me to offer up my gifts?  It continues to be a mystery.  My destiny is still behind a curtain.

If anyone is looking for me this month?  I'll be close to some body of water.  Light catches in blue down by the water.  And it is blue light that I am seeking..........