swimming in your own stare....

Nobody, absolutely nobody gets out of this life without accumulating a series of personal emotional wounds.  Chances are, nobody gets out of this life without being the one who wounds another.  Even the kindest person trips up somewhere along the line.  Well, maybe Mother Theresa didn't wound anybody. 

Sometimes we just have to learn how to step beyond those debilitating feelings that make you double over in vulnerability.  Its tempting to remain stuck in sadness, anger, hurt, shame and/or jealousy because they have a tendancy to be SO big that they flood our thinking and our actions.  They leave you sitting on the sidelines swimming in your own stare, gazing without focus.....walking in circles, believing you belong there.  That's the temptation.....to grab hold of these devilish emotions and allow them to label you....

The offended one.

The betrayed one.

The rejected one.

The discarded one.

The abandoned one. 

 Look at all the labels one can choose from!!! 

Though it's important to look at the dark side of our feelings, to reflect upon the events which have been the culprit of the wounds, there comes a time when you have to step over them, leave them behind and move on.  Easier said than done....especially if you sink into a pit of self loathing introversion.  Swimming in your own stare.  This is what sinks you.  This is what fuels the apathy and strips you of any level headed reasoning.  

When you are going through a painful experience, its easy to hide away.  In fact, I think its the natural response........ FLIGHT from the pain. But, the pain follows.  The labels stick like humidity to skin. Wounded vulnerability drains you of energy.  So how do you pull yourself out of the bleeding?  

BLINK!  

Change your swim stroke! 

Stop staring at the same picture.

Ask for help........a little help from your friends.  :)

Surround yourself with the loving care of others.

Change your thinking with activity even if you are exhausted.

Write it out............ which is what I'm doing right now......

Do something you enjoy doing.  

Be kind to yourself.

Talk to God.

Sit still and face the wind and listen to His Spirit all around you........

Then, go out and do something for someone else.  Trust that your wounds will remained bandaged so you can be there fully for someone else. 

This morning, as I was having breakfast with a friend at the market, an angel who knows my situation and  who happened to be waitressing, leaned down and whispered in my ear that the woman who has recently moved to town and has played a major role in the demise of my marriage, and the break up of two families was in line to be seated. This angel, who calls everyone honey, told me that she loved me and didn't want to see me hurt.  

A rush of anxiety flooded me........ the wounds opened up in my gut.  I hugged my friend, thanked my angel and took flight!  By the time I reached my car, I was a shaking mess....upset that I reacted that way, and upset that someone's presence would make me feel like throwing up.  More than anything I was upset over the realization that I could feel the DEPTH of hurt I thought I had left behind.  It felt like all of what I have done to heal went right out the window in one caught breath. 

I really thought I had stepped over the wounds.  I guess not.  My bravery was too thin skinned to remain there with my head held high.  All day, I've been a mess.  My stomach was in knots.  My tears kept flowing.  Until NOW. Ever since I started writing this post, I could feel my strength and confidence return.  I DO know how to help heal the wounds..... it just takes more time than I had thought. 

It's been a wake up call.  It's also been an opportunity to reframe and remember all the things I HAVE done since March that have added to a deepening faith, to a sense of freedom and relief,  to a recognition that there was an emotional detachment in my marriage for a very long time.  More importantly, this jolt to my senses has informed me that my heart still needs mending....  Oh, and to give thanks to the angels in my life!  They are plentiful and everywhere!  I AM being looked after by the universe. 

I am humbled by the sacredness of this journey...... wounds bless and break.  They also teach me and feed me bread for the journey.  As a student of living out loud?  I will never remain on any sideline for long.....just long enough to change the gauze and the gaze!!  I am not swimming in my own stare any longer today. 

ps...... Wow, writing does heal!!!!  Now, I wish I had stayed long enough to get a glimpse of this woman.  I still don't know what she looks like!! Next time. Next time.