Thursday, July 08, 2010

sifting through the sand......finding treasures.

I have the house to myself for a couple of hours tonight and it feels heavenly.  Not that I'm anti-social or dislike having people around. I do.  I love it.  Having my house filled with chatter and laughter..... with conversations and the most wonderful music to my ears.  Nothing beats it.  Except sometimes...........silence.  Especially after a few days of BUSY! 

Its not really silent here either..........well, there's silence inside me.  I'm at peace tonight.  It's a hot sultry kind of night.  The fans are working overtime in every room.......... the lights are dim.  The sun has slipped out of sight, leaving just a wispy traces of pastel above the trees.  Its like someone dipped a brush into the river then dabbed a little mix of paint on its tip........ then waterwashed the darkening sky.  Tonight, the stars will be plentiful....... and almost close enough to touch.  Maybe a few shooting stars.... maybe a few wishes to be expressed. 

Good old classic jazzy orchestra music is playing on the radio..........with big soaring inviting voices to accompany the slow provocative piano beat........sultry, like the heat of the evening........ I picture myself dancing with someone....... no words, no need........ just moving together to the love words of the songs.  Tender comfort together.... and there is no one else who matters except the one whose eyes are locked with mine.   I picture this vividly.  Damn if I can see the face of the person I'm dancing with yet!! :)   Time will tell.  Time will tell. My gut tells me it will happen.  Don't know when.  But, it will. 

Music always sets a mood.  It certainly impacts mine.  It expresses those feelings we have no other language to describe.  It also unfolds my thoughts, like a flowing river moving through me.  Music allows me to sift through the sand to find the treasures nestled in my soul.  It feeds me air and somehow has the ability to touch something very deep and primitive in me.  

I'm in a good place.  I was sunkissed today after spending the afternoon at a local beach with a bunch of teens.  My face is tanned.  The heat from the sun continues to resonate.  It feels healthy and whole.  There is an awakening happening in me on so many levels, triggered often by seemingly small events that continue to add up.   This morning, I met with this woman who has been such a support and a guide for me since January.  She lets me spill my thoughts and feelings in a random manner and somehow manages to sift through the sand and salty tears, then magically offer up new insight treasures for me to ponder.  Tonight, as I let the music flow all around me, as I let the fans whir breezes of cooler air all around me, as I sift through the sand castles of my own making....... I see, feel, hear, embrace the shifting...... the awakening.  I feel silence inside........peace.

I am moving forward. Some days it is too quick.  Some days, I feel stalled so that I can let my spirit catch up.  Serendipity, the kind of crossover coincidences you know are more than they appear flicker as frequently as fireflies on a hot night.  This morning, we talked about being open to the sacredness of living a full life as authentically as possible.  We talked about how I so often find myself in situations where I end up having to compromise or cower my potential due to circumstances or binding rules.  I told her that it was happening again........... that I am finding myself in a situation that in order to remain there has the potential to smother my presence.  I was (still am) in a quandry as to why this continues to happen..... what part of it is my own doing?  

We talked about how some people see me as a threat.  I'm too???? I don't know what I'm too much of, REAL?  Direct?  Open?  Expressive?  I don't know.  I've always defined it as being a misfit.  I don't fit.  I'm a free spirit trying to stay outside of the confinement of rules and regulations.  And I don't react to the same perceived "work crises" as others do and that seems to bother people.  They perceive me as not caring enough to be fearful of consequences.  Instead, I see how sometimes a conflict or a crisis allows for change........ or at least to allow the processes that are in place to work it out.  

Here's an example that is minor, but it was evident.   I was asked to organize the reception for approx. 400 people after the graduation last week.  So, I did.  Quietly, I met with the Event planner at the local hotel, booked the room, ordered the food and drinks, described how I wanted the room set up............ asked for music to be playing in the background.  I sent an email to ensure that it was done.  The week before, I double checked with my contact, and moved on.  

I can't tell you how nervous people were around me.......... it was like they didn't trust that I had done what I was supposed to do because I wasn't flustered.  I like doing this kind of stuff, and I know how to do it.  On the night of graduation, I popped into the ballroom where the reception was going to take place just to make sure everything was unfolding as it should. 

Then, I went to the store and bought a bunch of flowers and decorated the tables.  I checked on the room after it was set up, made a few minor changes, asked for the music, and then waiting for everyone to arrive.  They did.  They were greeted.  The ate and mingled and took photos and interacted.......... students whom I have connected with this year sought me out........ At the end of the evening, a hand full of surprised sounding people who had asked me to do this were effusive about how well it went.  It was no big WHOOP!  To them it was.  But, honestly, it was no big WHOOP.  

There's something about this that tells me because I don't react the way others do......... part of that is because I hear so many real crisis stories that organizing a reception is put in a different perspective..... there is a lack of trust because I'm not taking it seriously enough?   This manifests itself in more serious situations pertaining to my counselling job.  This free spirit now is facing a major over haul of my job description.  Somehow they think they need to control the type of interactions/ connections etc I have with the students.   I'm sorry, but I can't go backwards.  I've already been there and I know how it impacted my whole being.......... I also know how it impacted the level of resentment I allowed to build up inside, which in turn added to the demise of my marriage.  I was never able to go where I wanted to go with my career......... it added to my resentment. 

It is not going to happen again.  Since March, I have moved forward.  I am unstuck, free, motivated, spiritually enhanced, determined, humbled, aware, and more awake than I have ever been.  I intend to figure out how to let my wings unfurl as they should be as WIDE and as BRILLIANT as God intended.  It won't be an overnight thing.............. it's a process, and for the first time in my life, I am patient.  The silence reinforces this......

There are many people in my life who aren't threatened by my light.  Thank God.  Thank God.  They have come forward with stories and encouragement that I never would've expected.  They have helped me see who I am and who I can be in a way I never saw before.  Their  love and support gives me strength of conviction to work away at sifting through the sand......... to not be afraid to take the risks and set out a new path......... "to work on my confidence so it equals my competence...... " These are the words I heard this morning and it  made sense to me for the first time. 

Tonight, as I wander through my thoughts in my home where peace has found me, where the music has opened me up to believe I will find a new dance partner one day.....tender comfort.......... where I can sift through the sand and find the treasures, I am sunkissed and very very glad this awakening is occuring.   This little light of mine......................I'm gonna let it shine.

Let it shine
Let it shine
Let it shine.......

And if its too scary or too bright for you.........put on your shades.


Susan Deborah said...

The ending of this post was super duper forcing my reverie into fits of amusement and laughter. I wonder how it will sound when you tell those people out there to "put on your shades." They will never ever try to rub you the wrong way.
Jokes apart, there were so many emotional out pours in this post: of longing, of hope, of confidence, of strength, of love and of anger. Sometimes (rather most of the times) the world does not encourage a break in the pattern. You example illustrated this perfectly. One must either get flustered or panicky! How strange. I have been through situations as that and by god's grace he has enabled us to have a calm and still spirit which others (in the same Christian family) cannot understand. I don't know whether they know "Be still and know that I am god."

Dana, reading your posts refuel me and always enables me to trust in myself. Hugs.

Joy and peace,

awareness said...

Susan. :) Flustered or panicky seem to be the only options with bureaucracies..... :) Very defensive persona always.

It's been a strange year all around since i began this job. Many, many serious circumstances and situations, most of which didn't faze me. They alarmed me because I understood the severity of the issues being presented, but I tried to do what was best for the person who had sought me out for counselling. Initially this was welcomed. But, it got turned around and seen in a different light about halfway through the year. I havent been able to write about it because most of what I am involved in is confidential. I still can't get into it. What I do know is that I will not be held back again. This has happened to me several times and almost knocked the spirit right out of me.

thank you for your wonderful feedback! It was a meandering post.... one that I let write itself. :) And I had absorbed a lot of SUN yesterday!

Canadian Sentinel said...

Again, I find myself able to relate. I, too, am underestimated in terms of ability and seriousness due to others misinterpreting my unusually calm demeanor under pressure. They see my calmness and it either worries or annoys them, and sometimes they even seek to agitate me to conform to their mentality.

Geez... why do so many folks seem to believe that we must be feeling poopy all the time to be normal? People are weird, eh, and it seems that the average person is actually the one who's got the problem, not those of us who face stuff without letting it "get to us".

Also, many a time I'll be out and obout in public places, and notice that pretty much everyone else is in a crappy mood for no apparent reason (other than perhaps it's contagious?), but I'm not. I marvel at these seemingly mass crappy moods... Social psychology is indeed fascinating to just sit back and observe, analyze and marvel at...

Perhaps the poopy-feeling peeps need some uplifting music or perhaps a bunch of people should bring in puppies or something to lift their spirits...

Canadian Sentinel said...

... or perhaps they just need a couple of beers, eh! :D