Boundaries have a life of their own. Just when you think they are set up in a fashion you can live with, a new situation, perspective or person seems to come along and knock over the fort. Or they swim across the moat..........or you reluctantly let the drawbridge down and Badaboom! In they walk....... into your life, into your space, under your skin. They seep into your awareness circle and alter the boundaries you have so purposefully and thoughtfully laid out. Space invaders!
Most of the time, you have some control over who gets to come in close. Other times, you have no choice. And of course, those are the times when it really takes a good "letting go" of the control panel to eventually come to terms with the new boundary. How do you do that? I've been working on this now for a month or so when I learned that the nefarious other woman was moving into the vicinity. I know it is illogical for me to be all flustered about it, but dammit I am!
Personal growth resides most effectively in the neighbourhood of Discomfort Heights. But, do I want to live there? Its nice to visit from time to time, but do I really want the neighbourhood I call home uncomfortable ? ....... the few square mile radius to be rattled by a boundary crosser........one who has upturned, upset, and upstarted my life and the lives of my children? NO!
Since there isn't a hope in hell this woman is leaving anytime soon, I have to seriously alter my thinking and feelings even though I certainly didn't welcome her to move close to my neighbourhood. I don't even know what she looks like, though I've been given a vague description which has only informed me that she is most likely the direct opposite of me physically and personality wise. Yet, this apparitious paramour is already ensconced as a permanent fixture in my life because she will eventually develop some kind of friendly rapport with my children and obviously has with the person I once considered the love of my life. So, please tell me..... how do I get to a point of not caring about this?
For anyone who doesn't live in this God forsaken small town we call a city, this place is notoriously TINY! There are no degrees of separation between folks. Everyone seems to be related or at least connected through one friend/cousin/acquaintance. It's uncanny really. So, my obsessive compulsiveness concerning this uncontrollable boundary move has some merit. Even if it didn't, it does in my pointy little head.
Why do I even care? It's not rational. But then again, am I normally a rational kind of human being? Hell no! I'm a spontaneously combusting emotionally driven overly sensitive trash talking spouse who was dumped because of all those unpredictable feelings! I AM SCARY! BOO! What a hellish embarrassment I turned out to be. Hmmmmmm...........maybe I'm not the one who should be nervous?
I can be rational when I'm forced to be. I can be when I am emotionally literate. I can be if I put my mind to it......... if I let go of an uncontrollable issue, if I remind myself that in the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter and I shouldn't give a rat's ass about it. But, really..........did she have to move in just up the hill from me? Weren't there other homes on the other side of the river far away from the shops and services I frequent? I already know she's a keener for Saturday market from reading her blog last winter, so chances are I'll cross paths with her there. Its a public place.
I can get over these soulfully hurting feelings if I turn my cheeky cheeks, and just carry on. I have to let go of my ego driven selfish thoughts and give it up to just another situation I must learn to surrender up to a Higher Power. There seems to be an awful lot of surrendering in life isn't there??
I have such an abundant life, and am even surrounded by neighbours who are looking out for me. I have friends and family who protect me and most importantly help me get on with a new life. And I have worked purposefully and slowly with this grieving and healing. I've made unbelievable strides simply by taking new risks, forming deeper friendships, allowing my vulnerability to express itself, praying a lot, doing my own thing, finding waterfalls.........! Do I need to put in any more time thinking about this?
It all comes down to why we have boundaries in the first place. They protect us for different reasons I guess......... and what do my boundaries protect me from? Quite simply (but in no means simple) rejection. The moment our paths cross, I just know I will feel the biggest jolt of rejection I have ever felt, and believe me this has been the most predominant feeling I have face in the last couple of years....... my awareness of how much it grew inside my marriage has ballooned over the past few months as I have chipped away at trying to understand just what went wrong.
So, where do I go from here? How do I detach myself from these unhelpful thoughts? The first step I've just completed. I've given the issue wings and words.........I've flushed it out of my inner thoughts. Then, I will continue to remind myself that what is such a big freaking deal right now won't be a year from now. It's just that when you are in the middle of living it, a year from now seems like eternity. Then, I rethink and re-establish my boundaries and move on.
I wonder if she is still reading my blog? I doubt it. She's probably busy unpacking.