Tuesday, July 06, 2010

crossing muddied waters.......

Boundaries have a life of their own.  Just when you think they are set up in a fashion you can live with, a new situation, perspective or person seems to come along and knock over the fort.  Or they swim across the moat..........or you reluctantly let the drawbridge down and Badaboom!  In they walk....... into your life, into your space, under your skin.  They seep into your awareness circle and alter the boundaries you have so purposefully and thoughtfully laid out.  Space invaders! 

Most of the time, you have some control over who gets to come in close.  Other times, you have no choice.  And of course, those are the times when it really takes a good "letting go" of the control panel to eventually come to terms with the new boundary.  How do you do that?  I've been working on this now for a month or so when I learned that the nefarious other woman was moving into the vicinity.  I know it is illogical for me to be all flustered about it, but dammit I am! 

Personal growth resides most effectively in the neighbourhood of Discomfort Heights.  But, do I want to live there?  Its nice to visit from time to time, but do I really want the neighbourhood I call home uncomfortable ? .......  the few square mile radius to be rattled by a boundary crosser........one who has upturned, upset, and upstarted my life and the lives of my children? NO!

Since there isn't a hope in hell this woman is leaving anytime soon, I have to seriously alter my thinking and feelings even though I certainly didn't welcome her to move close to my neighbourhood.  I don't even know what she looks like, though I've been given a vague description which has only informed me that she is most likely the direct opposite of me physically and personality wise.  Yet, this apparitious paramour is already ensconced as a permanent fixture in my life because she will eventually develop some kind of friendly rapport with my children and obviously has with the person I once considered the love of my life.  So, please tell me..... how do I get to a point of not caring about this? 

For anyone who doesn't live in this God forsaken small town we call a city, this place is notoriously TINY!  There are no degrees of separation between folks.  Everyone seems to be related or at least connected through one friend/cousin/acquaintance.  It's uncanny really.  So, my obsessive compulsiveness concerning this uncontrollable boundary move has some merit.  Even if it didn't, it does in my pointy little head. 

Why do I even care?  It's not rational. But then again, am I normally a rational kind of human being?  Hell no!  I'm a spontaneously combusting emotionally driven overly sensitive trash talking spouse who was dumped because of all those unpredictable feelings!  I AM SCARY!  BOO! What a hellish embarrassment I turned out to be.  Hmmmmmm...........maybe I'm not the one who should be nervous?

I can be rational when I'm forced to be.  I can be when I am emotionally literate.  I can be if I put my mind to it......... if I let go of an uncontrollable issue, if I remind myself that in the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter and I shouldn't give a rat's ass about it.   But, really..........did she have to move in just up the hill from me?  Weren't there other homes on the other side of the river far away from the shops and services I frequent?  I already know she's a keener for Saturday market from reading her blog last winter, so chances are I'll cross paths with her there.  Its a public place.

I can get over these soulfully hurting feelings if I turn my cheeky cheeks, and just carry on. I have to let go of my ego driven selfish thoughts and give it up to just another situation I must learn to surrender up to a Higher Power.  There seems to be an awful lot of surrendering in life isn't there??

I have such an abundant life, and am even surrounded by neighbours who are looking out for me.  I have friends and family who protect me and most importantly help me get on with a new life.  And I have worked purposefully and slowly with this grieving and healing.   I've made unbelievable strides simply by taking new risks, forming deeper friendships, allowing my vulnerability to express itself, praying a lot, doing my own thing, finding waterfalls.........!  Do I need to put in any more time thinking about this? 

It all comes down to why we have boundaries in the first place.  They protect us for different reasons I guess......... and what do my boundaries protect me from?  Quite simply (but in no means simple) rejection.  The moment our paths cross, I just know I will feel the biggest jolt of rejection I have ever felt, and believe me this has been the most predominant feeling I have face in the last couple of years....... my awareness of how much it grew inside my marriage has ballooned over the past few months as I have chipped away at trying to understand just what went wrong.

So, where do I go from here?  How do I detach myself from these unhelpful thoughts?  The first step I've just completed.  I've given the issue wings and words.........I've flushed it out of my inner thoughts.  Then,  I will continue to remind myself that what is such a big freaking deal right now won't be a year from now.  It's just that when you are in the middle of living it, a year from now seems like eternity.  Then, I rethink and re-establish my boundaries and move on.

I wonder if she is still reading my blog?  I doubt it.  She's probably busy unpacking. 


Twain12 said...

i don't even know what to tell you but i think you gave yourself the best advise. I know sometimes our rational side tells us all the right things and then our feelings and emotions do the opposite. I guess just plowing through it is the only way to go. Sending you strength ♥

Mavis said...

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
Sharon Stone

have a great day Dana

Kay said...

love Sharon's quote from above (#1)

and #2: sometimes it's best to just face your fears right in the face. Brace yourself, prepare yourself and do the unthinkable.

And then, then it is out of the way, no longer a lingering fear in the back of your mind.

You can move on, move up.. and forget about the pesky little worms collecting flies.

Gilly said...

She's probably scared of you! And so she jolly well ought to be - after all, she is the thief!

So just put on your "I AM SCARY" persona, hold your head high, and know you are in the right. You haven't done anything wrong - he has. Don't blame yourself or feel guilty.

You are just you - and that is fine. God made you that way.

Canadian Sentinel said...

Many a time we see things as perhaps far worse than they really are. I know this from experience. Yes, the "what-ifs" are normal thoughts. But most of them, as we've all learned, have turned out to be for naught, though it's always good to have a game plan to deal with contingencies of whatever sort.

I have no idea who the Neighbor from Hell is, or what she's like, so I cannot really render much judgement or advice, without a more comprehensive context.

But my prediction: You'll be alright, Dana, for I know you have what it takes to deal with whatever fires spew from the encroaching dragon's mouth... What you've endured and survived in the past... has made you strong enough to take on neighbors from hell, should they cross any lines, though I don't see this happening, in all probability, unless there's other stuff I ought to know...

Hmm. Would you characterize this neighbor as some kind of entitlist who believes she can have and take whatever she wants?

awareness said...

Twain.... I will take Dory's advice from Finding Nemo.... "just keep swimming...just keep swimming..." I actually feel better just getting it out of my head and into some words.

Mavis... My God! that cracked me UP! Sharon Stone got it right!
ps. And I ain't gonna fake them no more!

Kay... I was thinking that as well. It would be better to get the inevitable over with and move on. I'm sure it will happen in the near future. And I'll be a good girl guide and "be prepared..." :)

Gilly.... Thank you. I will....or maybe I'll be so accomodating and nice..... that may be even more frightening. Definitely unexpected.

awareness said...

CS ..... I would characterize her as an Adulterer.

theMuddledMarketPlace said...

i can only tell my story:
i cared...i cared a lot. but being a drippy soggy mess or a brittle cracked tense persona wasn't helping anyone. a wise woman, older than myself suggested imagining bundling up all my feelings ( when they got to that point, which they often did) in a cloth and dumping them on God's lap.
"Your problem, not mine. Yours."

oh and i recommend accomodating and nice.........there's something of the "refusing to descend to squalid behaviour" about it

A helpful post, thankyoux

Anonymous said...

You may want to reread your opening quote and absorb it.

awareness said...

And who may you be oh brave Anonymous? It's pretty obvious you are attempting to send me a passive aggressive message posting on my blog? I have crossed boundaries in your anonymous life? How so?

Anonymous said...

Who I am doesn't matter. What I am and do, does. There seems to be a lack of 'Awareness' in your ramblings. Victim?

awareness said...

Merry Christmas wacky person. May you learn to let go of whatever bone of contention you have of me, and live your own life with a comfort and joy in the choices you have made. Peace.