illusions and outcomes........

Fifteen years ago, a good friend of mine was travelling through Portugal on her own. She was an experienced traveller and prided herself on her ability to navigate her way in countries she had never been to before. In fact, the confidence she exuded was what attracted me to her on our first day of classes together. In a room full of 30 others, Maxine's energy radiated strength and confidence. It turns out that she felt the same about me..........we ended up as roommates and lifelong friends because of our awareness of one another.

The last thing that Maxine would've predicted was that she would be mugged during her trip. She knew the typical tricks played on tourists and she felt she was always on alert remaining aware of all around her. She thought she had protected herself well......most of her money was in travellers cheques. She carried her valuables in a leather satchel with a wide strap that crossed over one shoulder and under the other. With everything zipped up and sitting on her front, she walked confidently through the marketplace in Lisbon. All of a sudden, someone came out of the middle of nowhere, grabbed her satchel with both hands and RIPPED it off her body. Maxine tried to fight back, yelled loudly to no avail and even tried to chase them down. Within minutes, she was left without any money except a small amount in her pocket, a passport, or identification.

Shocked and shook up, she went directly to the local police station for help. Certainly, she thought, they would help her right way........ she was an honest woman in need. She was an honest Canadian woman in need. That must mean something. However, what happened instead was..... well nothing happened. Maxine found herself in a Catch -22. No I.D, no verification. No I.D. no passport replacement. At least not right away.

She phoned home......called collect.........and got them to wire some money to tide her over until her ID and passport could be replaced. For the first couple of days, she was angry.......angry and unsettled. She had been violated.........her confidence was battered, her sense of infallibility decimated. She was suffering.

Then, something happened. Her thinking changed. Sitting on the beach one day, she suddenly realized how free she was. With no identity, no destination, no way of fighting her situation, she let go of the phony control.......and surrendered to going with the flow. Instead of suffering and feeling sorry for herself, Maxine chose to hang out on the beach and relax. It was probably the most relaxed she has ever felt............

Suffering is a state we can easily succumb to. It kicks in when what we expect to happen clashes with what really happens. Desire clashes with reality. Maxine could easily have remained in that state.........emotionally attached to the event of being mugged, feeling sorry for herself and her situation, overwrought by the violent act. Initially, her desires were all focused on regaining her "identity," because she felt that her happiness and safety depended on it. Then, the thought "theres not a damn thing I can do about this. I might as well make the best of it," occured and she unhooked herself from the suffering. Once she detached from this assumption, and realized that her contentment and happiness was not tied to this event.......OR any event for that matter, she settled in for a "responsibility-free" gift.

It was a lesson she has never forgotten........that her happiness is not a matter of what happens or doesnt happen to her. Rather, it is a choice and a way of looking at the world around her. It comes from within. Favourable feelings are generated internally.........

We all have difficulties to overcome and more often than not the outcome results don't look anything like how we envisioned them or what we expected. Sometimes I find this very frustrating. I have this picture in my head of how something will work out..........and it rarely happens that way. Life seems to be an ongoing process of learning how not to attach yourself to the desired outcome. ...... even if you really really REALLY want it to turn out YOUR way.

"Desire the world, but don't become attached to the outcome of your desire." Deepak Chopra

The approval addiction........

Why is it that we are always seeking approval? Is it an addiction with us? Are we so uncertain of our own decisions that we have to have validation all the time? Some will say that seeking approval is just a way of being respectful to others, as a way of including them in the decision you are trying to make, but it isn't. Because if you think about it, asking someone for approval is basically giving them the last say......THEY get to make the decision.

Can I?

May I?

Do you like?

Can you validate me?

Is my idea worthy of your approval?

When does the time come when you say to yourself........."I have decided to become"......... or "tomorrow, I plan to"........ or............This is my opinion. I've thought it through. I'm comfortable with this opinion and I'm not going to ask someone if they think its right or wrong."

We all have had mentors and parents in our lives who have guided us and have hopefully provided us with the skills and gifts to get along in this world. Though we will always be students, or always be a son or daughter.............we outgrow the need to check in for approval. And yet, our conditioning kicks in...........and off we seek it. This is exacerbated if one works in a hierarchical environment when one has to ask for permission all the time........where you're monitored and evaluated all the time just like school......just like when you were a kid.

It's hard to let go of this addiction................

Can I

May I

I want you to approve of me..................

I read recently that spirituality is a matter of becoming who you really are. We seem to live under the illusion that it's important to be loved, important, respected and well thought of. This sets us up to be on the constant look out for approval, affection and love. But here's the paradox. If we turn that around..............instead of always looking for approval and we put all of this energy and attention on thinking well of others....... we will fulfill the two true real urges we human beings have: to love and to be free.

If we are constantly seeking approval, we will never feel free. There will always be a sensation of feeling shackled.........waiting for the nod from someone.

If we reach out to others instead of trying to convince them to reach out to you through approval, then you are freely offering your love.

There are healthier ways to gain the respect of the important people in our lives. Seeking approval isn't one of them...........it simply gives the power of your life over to someone else. Isnt there enough out there that we have no control over??

When the time comes when we can break away from the approval cycle, is this when we can honestly say we are adults?

just wondering............

All caught up in the reverie

Every word is a symphony

Won't you believe me

Christopher Cross

A beautiful scene taken from my car on the way to work yesterday morning. That old song Sailing was playing on the radio........the serenity of the song met the serenity of the scene.

for Tara.

Morning Has Broken

"Beauty isn't a thing. It's a way of seeing."

Anthony de Mello

Clarity is found in the simplicity of beauty

Nothing in all creation is so like God than stillness.

Meister Eckhart

A clear crisp Canadian winter morning produces a stillness in the landscape. The sharpness of the cold initially feels like a slap on your comfortably warm face when you take your initial steps through the front door into the outdoors. With no breeze to speak of, the only audible sounds were my own....a swishing of my coat, and the squeakcrunch of my boots on the snow covered walkway.

I was in a hurry. Work beckoned. But as I put my bundles of books and bags down to open the car door, I looked up and around and saw what had been left on the branches of the trees the night before. My "way of seeing" shifted from closed focused goal driven busy-ness to an open minded sweep of seeing what was all around me.

take the time.........it whispered.......take the time to gaze.

Snowfrost, in splendour sparkling beauty adorned the branches of the normally naked trees. It had dressed them up in wonderland. Each branch was delicately brushed by the winter faeries who had quietly (and busily I might add) sprinkled diamonds of snow in the night when we were all asleep. It left a feeling of stillness, a natural holy space of contemplative presence.

I saw a pastel colour filtering through the fog.......a pale hue contrasting with the predominant morning white fog. I saw the glistening of snowbranches on a bush which would easily had blended into the snowbank behind it if it hadn't been for the shadows of the light reflecting onto the snow.

All alone..........not another person in sight........and yet I felt far from alone enjoying these gifts. After I took a few photos, I stood at the end of my driveway where I could see the river and a sweeping vista of the whole area. So peaceful. So quiet, even with the moving traffic on the road below. It seemed like the faerie dusting had muffled the sounds........ I took some long deep breaths of my cold crisp canadian air.........and felt empowered by the meditational gift offered to me and I swear all of a sudden I could hear a familiar hymn of peace fill this natural holy space.

Mine is the sunlight, mine is the morning

Born of the one light, Eden saw play

Praise with elation, praise every morning

God's recreation of the new day

..........a blessed new day........

...........gazing........

ramblings...........

There's a restlessness gurgling inside me tonight........a churning stew of thoughts and emotions that isn't allowing me to drop my arms and body into the exhaustion it feels. It's like my insides are zipping around in a caffeine frenzy while the outside limbs feel weighted down unable to move with any kind of panache. This happens when I find myself at the end of a busy few days that have been wrought with undulating emotions.

up and down

up and down

happy/sad

motivated/stalled

confident/freaked.

awake/fatigued

encouraged/doubtful

compassionate/angry

grounded/flighty

Gee...........given that description, someone could easily slap a label on my forehead that yells out "bi-polar!"

I've heard many stories of late that have touched a deep chord. Pain has been poured out along with admissions, confessions, and painful pasts. In order to be able to listen and to be present, I must compartmentalize the stories so each one, and each person receives my undivided attention while I am with them. Normally the stories don't dwell too long. They can't or I would've burned out long ago. This time, perhaps because of a lot of "follow up" and phone calls have been required to make sure others are involved in helping and intervening when it was warranted, my insides remain restless.

I worry. I worry mostly about the innocents involved in the messes of adults' complicated lives......and it makes me wonder whether these little ones will EVER experience normalcy and untarnished love rather than the the love that dangles like a carrot in front of them.....within sight, but out of reach.

Lately, I have found myself getting angry inside listening to the stories from some of the adults. Knowing that the emotional lives of their own children have been manipulated and mangled so badly that they will never fully recover, I have felt a boiling surge of anger that wipes away the empathy I normally feel. It is striking a nerve and I've had to hold back my desire to recklessly point this out to the guilty adult sitting in my office pouring out their own pain. It's tempting, but completely counterproductive because if a partnership can be formed, more good can come out of it than if I decide to shut it down with loud judgements and finger pointing.

Human interaction and making strong connections in my world of work sometimes involves trying to understand another's crazy mixed up life.............trying to figure out has impacted and interfered with their decisions.

Why have they made the choices they have made?

Why did they decide to hook up with a known abuser?

Why have they ended up sitting in my office pouring out their admissions and confessions?

What is the reason behind the behaviour???

What has caused the really bad decisions?

Where have they come from and why are they so misguided?

Yearnings gone awry. We all have yearnings. Most of the time they are manageable and don't interfere. Sometimes however, because of the baggage we carry or the wounds we sustain along the way, we end up with big gaping holes in our souls which we fill with longings and yearnings that are so big that they scream at us to do something about it. Loneliness, pain, hurts, abandonment, grief, illness, sustained stress are all culprits which can easily turn our lives inside out because when they accompany the yearnings, they can suffocate our level headed thinking. Our actions may completely fly in the face of our own values and beliefs and yet we can't stop ourselves from falling into that paradoxical precipice. We don't even realize most of the time until it's too late that the actions we take not only affect us negatively, but can impact the lives of our loved ones. It could be blatantly obvious to others, while we remain oblivious to the consequences. Until some damage is done.

We are human beings whose lives intertwine and connect. It's what I try to remind myself when I am trying to walk a mile with someone whose behaviour hits a negative chord in me. If I bark out my judgement right away, I have more than likely shut down any chance to understand better but more importantly to help someone learn from their choices and consequences. And if I believe that what I do and say is intertwined with what others do and say, I must try to recognize when my own triggers are punched........

As Thomas Merton explains, "Only when we see ourselves in our true human context, as members of a race which is intended to be one organism and ‘one body,’ will we begin to understand the positive importance not only of the successes but of the failures and accidents in our lives. My successes are not my own. The way to them was prepared by others. The fruit of my labors is not my own: for I am preparing the way for the achievements of another. Nor are my failures my own. They may spring from failure of another, but they are also compensated for by another’s achievement. Therefore the meaning of my life is not to be looked for merely in the sum total of my own achievements. It is seen only in the complete integration of my achievements and failures with the achievements and failures of my own generation, and society, and time."

I think maybe I need to print that message out and tape it to my fridge for safe keeping and then go to bed. I'm tired, both inside and out.

it's what matters.........

At the funeral of my father in law, George, last May I was struck by the story his best friend told as part of his eulogy. Peter and George had been close friends for many years. They had fought in many political elections together......George the candidate, Peter the organizer and fund raiser. Both big presence people, with the ability to draw many into their magnetism. George had an illustrious career in politics in Ontario and held many ministerial portfolios. Peter is a self driven businessman, self made millionaire in land development. He has travelled the globe, skied many mountains, and continues to live a very full life. Busy successful men, the two of them.

Peter had an armload of "war stories" he could've told about their antics and experiences together........stories that would've been impressive on many levels.......the people they had met, the inside meetings they had attended, etc. Many of these stories were shared with family the night before over scotch and some good reunion laughs. The remember whens which included wives and kids, other friends and other families were all set aside.........for before and after the funeral.

Instead, Peter drew us all a picture of two friends sitting at the end of the dock one summer evening in the early 1960's. They had rented a cabin and had spent the day fishing in a part of northern Ontario known for that. After a dinner of fresh catch, they sauntered down to the end of the dock with a drink in hand and sat quietly in the peace. He described the endless starry sky and the quiet solitude of the moment where two friends realized together that life doesn't get any better than that. Stillness shared.

It was the most poignant moment in the whole service. One elderly man remembering his dear friend with a single treasured slice of life. Together that moment as one and it hit Peter in the core of his heart as he spoke of it. When he finished, he unconciously looked up, smiled his infectious smile and composed himself again.

Friendship, as comfortable as a favourite shirt worn soft, recognized in the stillness of a moment shared under the breath of the stars. Warm breeze, contentment, carefree acceptance when your insides tell you that you may feel like you're fighting the good fight day in and day out all alone........."HERE is moment of reassurance, your insides speak, to let you know that you are never alone. Treasure it."

Friends, the worn shirt kind, are the treasured gifts we receive from God.


The prompt this week from Writer's Island was treasure. To read more, click here.

Interview with John O'Donahue

Here is the link to the interview on CBC's Tapestry with the late John O'Donahue. Bookmark the site and listen to it when you have some time set aside. It's about an hour long.......a beautiful hour long. Enjoy.

trust.

hiding away from the truth?

where's waldo?

Last week I facilitated a two day meeting with a group of women from around the province who independently work and meet with other women who are victims of domestic violence. They are Outreach workers, whose daily routine isn't really routine at all because they are the ones who respond to a call for help. For the most part, they don't have access to others who could understand the perils and personal stories shared. There was no way to debrief all that they experienced in the course of their workday. The purpose of the meeting..........the coming together of these women was to give them a chance to get to know one another and to see if they would be interested in forming a network where support and sharing would be the objective. It was a resounding success.

On the morning of the second day, I decided to generate a discussion on trust.....what is it.....how do you build it.......how does it feel? I knew that they had managed as a group to acquire trust in one another the day before. How had that happened so quickly? We began with a brainstorming ........

openness

safe harbour

security

compassion

honesty

communication

genuine regard

allowing for vulnerability

being comfortable with vulnerability

empathy

acceptance

It was a lively discussion, which led to a deeper discussion on the importance of empathy..... not that one has to experience the same life events and/or traumas to be able to feel true empathy. Rather, if one can consider the feelings which underlie the situation, one can understand more deeply because it is emotion which we share. This is where we can understand. It is the key to empathic genuine regard. If for example I know that fear and loneliness are the crux of the emotions a person in need is feeling, I can understand because I know what fear and loneliness feels like. And in order to be able to access one's own deep well of emotions to be able to really understand as much as possible, one has to be comfortable with all of those feelings.

That's difficult for many............. but if you're any good at helping others in a crisis situation; if you're any good at being a counsellor, you have to be willing to sit alongside someone else and allow them to be. You gotta be fine with raw honesty......

This weekend, I've been thinking about this discussion and wondering how it applies to friendship building. Sometimes trust simply feels like it has always been there, but most of the time trust is formed through building blocks. We are generally wary human beings and so most of the time take it slowly, especially if the friendship is new. So, it is always a surprise when someone whom you may be cultivating a relationship with, slowly building trust block by block, is found to have lied. It may take a long time to build trust, but it only takes one omission, one lie to send things tumbling down.

All of a sudden...............the once flourishing relationship is wrought with doubt. Mess with someone who has originally felt safe to be vulnerable enough to share their heart, and look out.

This isn't the case so much in a counselling/client relationship, because there isn't such an investment in the relationship. Though it does alter it and the trust is gone, there isn't the emotional tie like there is with a friendship.

Trust is sacred. Trust is a treasured gift you give to another because it is so much a part of your own spirit. Well, it is mine. Even though I seem to be willing to give it pretty freely, if someone crosses the line with dishonesty, even if it is obvious they are really being dishonest with themselves, I recoil. I know what it is that it triggers in me...........it's the feeling of being perceived as a fool. Looking and feeling stupid just doesn't sit well with me and it is where my head goes when I find myself in a situation where I am questioning the truth and trust of another. We all have triggers. I try to be as real and honest as I can, sometimes more than others are comfortable with. Trust is the crux of these two important facets.

We all have secrets. We all have unspoken dreams and fantasies, some of which may illicit those stomach churning feelings of guilt and shame. If you spit out one story and spin it one way make sure it's the truth or keep your mouth closed so as not to hurt someone. Trust is more delicate than we give it credit for. Handle it with care. Cup it with both hands.

river stories............

late summer, 2007

I would love to live

like a river flowing

carried by surprise

of its own unfolding

John O'Donahue

autumn, 2007

early winter, 2007

Today, as I took in a leisurely afternoon of just hanging out, I turned on the CBC radio to listen to a show I enjoy every week called Tapestry. It's an hour long program on faith and spirituality where the host interviews individuals from all walks and religions. I settled in only to be presently surprised by a lovely rebroadcast of an interview taped in 2004 with the late John O'Donahue. It wasn't until halfway through the interview that I realized I remembered listening to the original broadcast. The difference..........I was half listening then. Today, I was fully present, allowing this gentle man's beautiful insightful lyricism and stories inspire.

It was an amazing interview.........full of life, optimism, gems of wisdom.

I sent a message to a friend today and in it admitted that selfishly I felt ripped off that I had missed out on the chance of meeting and listening to John O'Donahue. I felt like I had only just heard of this man. I havent even read one of his books.........havent arranged to get them into my hands yet. But, this afternoon, as I sat on my bed with a view of the top of the pussy willow tree and blue sky to gaze at.......with the knowledge that the river down the hill (which I can see clearly at this time of yearr from my bedroom if I stood up by my window) was flowing past with stories, I sat in a cocooned stillness while listening to the sound of eternal beauty with a cleansing Irish lilt.

The poem I included here? It was how Father O'Donahue ended the interview......... his sentiments I fully understand. The surprise of the ongoing change of flow is how life should unfold........ like a river.

I don't feel ripped off anymore. :)

"Everything depends on the lens you use.

Make your gaze beautiful. "

John O'Donahue

Moments of Gladness

There aren't many lessons from my childhood school years that stick out as "stand alone" lessons. They all seem to have blended together, and hopefully added onto as I have grown and continued to learn, or discarded in the sale bin in the back recesses of my cerebellum. One piece of learning that visits me from time to time is the idea that a good story always has some kind of conflict in it, and the conflict has the choice of three faces......

Man versus Nature
Man versus Man
or
Man versus Himself.

The way I see it is that all of these conflicts are with us as we live our own life stories, but by far the most difficult and persistent conflict is the last one; Man versus Himself, because this never goes away. It may have a different twist to it.....the conflict may be brand new from the one you slayed the day before........but we are always tackling our internal conflicts. I see it clearly when I'm counselling. I see it clearly in myself usually after I have resolved the issue.


Me versus Myself

You versus Yourself

We are our own worst enemy as we struggle with our own resistance, as we wrestle with ourselves to find our own way. Sometimes, it leaves us short of energy or optimism to resolve the monster lurking in our psyche. Our own thinking, and our own inability to sort out the internal wrestling match can cut off the oxygen to our creative outlets faster and more powerfully than any mountain climb. Who needs to join an army to fight a war when we can generate our own internal armegeddon and not even leave the couch?! The barriers our imaginations can create in our own personal unending brain maze can render us to the sidelines of the playground pretty darn quickly if we let them. And yes, there are times when we need to sit on the bench to see how the game is being played in order to see things from a different perspective. Sometimes this is all we need...........a new angle, a fresh new look, some breathing space, a sip on some Gatorade and we can resolve things. Our sideline ruminations, away from direct contact with the conflict may be just the ticket to splash the colour again.

The problem is that if we let ourselves remain stationary........it's easier to remain in the avoidance and denial frame of mind, we may lose our confidence to win the conflict..............to figure out how to exit the maze of self doubt, self slamming, self talk. Our creative juices dry up..........our desire to fill in the blank canvas with our expressive colour, with our own beautiful signature may slink away in the dark of night......... too much of a bother.......why waste the energy?


All of a sudden, our effective coping mechanisms are replaced by the "R" cousins.....Repression and Rationalization. Do you know them? Initially they are helpful in maintaining the status quo of intertia. They keep the conflictual head games at bay. Don't think about it and it will go away. Or It's too much of a hassle and besides is there really any point in dealing with this issue? Who would really care if I didn't resolve it? No one is losing any sleep over it except me, so it doesn't matter.



and yet.......doesn't that energy get used up anyways? Check your voltage meter the next time you find yourself caught in the volley between the "R" cousins. It's exhausting!

We can easily lose our way if the goals we have are too monumental. From tackling house renovations to obtaining a degree, if we don't break down the goals to something more manageable, it can frighten us into submissive inertia. It festers into a series of "Me versus Myself" conflicts which sucks the marrow right out of the originally lofty idea, even if we strongly believe in the GOOD of the plan. Success begets success. Small steps down the path rather than no steps down the path keeps us moving down the path. And if we can break down the task, we lessen the chances that the self talk conflict will niggle away at the potential success of achieving that once lofty goal. Before we know it, lofty isn't a part of the equation. Completion is.



How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time



How do you paint a house? One stroke at a time.



How do you complete a course? One subject at a time



How do you write THAT book (you know the one that has flashing yellow lights sitting on top of the draft)? One blog post at a time................well that's my rationale what's YOURS?



Life isn't a series of big bombastic moments that shake and rock your world. Thank God. Admittedly there seems to be more than our share of them over the course of the year, I still believe that they are rare in the bigger picture of our lives. In order to deal with those emotionally draining events whether they are joyful or full of grieving sorrow, we need to accumulate confidence and strength by overcoming the daily conflicts and by accomplishing minor successes. Check them off our own to do lists, while recognizing them as completions......as overcoming a conflict. More importantly, we need to recognize them as moments of gladness, a term Anne Lamott uses in her most recent book, Grace Eventually, Thoughts on Faith. Cause on most days.........if we don't acknowledge the moments of gladness........however small......our days feel long, and our nights are unending while we remained trapped in negativity and indeciveness.

Interestingly, after i finished reading her book last week, I was struck by a feeling of irritation. I had a conflict with the whole premise of her book........that grace is all around us, and is there in the ordinary moments of life. This is what she writes about.........ordinary, normal daily events that point out how much the same we all are wading around in our imperfections and struggles. I was irritated by the concept that grace isn't kept for really special times.......that it hangs around the house waiting to be picked up like a sock. And yet.......our lives are sock sorting, stain scrubbing, snow shovelling, snot dripping, sneeze covering mundane minutes. It can drive you CRAZY.........picking up stuff, making beds, wiping noses and bums, dusting and doing mindless chores if you don't stop and take in the beauty behind the mess. The moments of gladness.

Eventually, like Grace, I realized that I was reading the book at a time when I was struggling with my own armegeddon going on in my head and I was having a very tough time figuring it out. Her take on "life's stuff" just seemed too fluffy and trite. I wasn't buying it..............why??.........because how am I supposed to see the frigging moments of gladness hiding behind the dust bunnies under my couch when I have BIG conflicts in my head that I have to sort out?? Anger and frustration can really wreak havoc on any fleeting moment of gladness.....

This is where i was at while reading this book........

Just before Christmas, I learned that a job I am qualified for was up for grabs. I was very excited about the possibility, and felt very confident that I had a good chance of nabbing this job. It's a position with responsibilities that I had done a few years back when I was on a project for my department. It looked very very good. It looked like my ticket out of the toxicity I am presently working in and trying to move out of. Just as important........it is a position I would LOVE a chance to tackle. So.......................

I had lunch with the person retiring from the job to learn more about it, contacted the proper authorities and then waited for the position to be posted. That's when the conflict began. The job was exactly as I had expected, except for one new twist. It had been turned from an English only job to a bilingual position. In order to qualify, one had to be able to speak and write in English and French fluently. This is an officially bilingual province and rightly so. I had no qualms with that.

And yet, surely..............I thought............I have 15 years experience and know the business well enough and passionately enough that I could jump right into the job with both feet ready to run. That must count for something. Also, I know that I have an aptitude for french and I would be more than happy to work on my proficiency at the same time as doing the new job. In fact, I had frequently asked to have french language training and repeatedly had been turned down because I was in an English only position. I didn't need it. I wouldn't use it. And yet, I knew I could learn it quickly. I just hadn't used this skill in a long time..............in a long time..........like since 1984 when I was travelling in France. I'm around it living in this city, so it's not as though I'm living in an environment where french is not spoken.

Give me a year in the job, I asked.......let me work on my language acquisition/proficiency through training (readily available for many in government.........and not for minions like me??) and assess me in a year's time I suggested..........I had never had my language skills assessed before. Why not assess them to see how much potential I have.....I'm confident that this is an area I could learn quickly in. I never heard yes or no......... I never heard back directly, which of course fueled my anger and anxieties.

All of a sudden, I receive notice that I am scheduled for an oral proficiency test and a reading and writing comprehension test. Not knowing if this was scheduled based on my suggestion....to find out where I'm at on the proficiency scale and to see if I have the aptitude to pick it up quickly I contacted the person who had arranged this for clarification. I am told that I have been screened in for the job, but have to pass the tests in order to be considered for the position. No, language training is not an option. One has to be proficient going into the job (mind you the job was not bilingual right now.......and as much as I agree that it should be, no one has complained about it in the past). It's the law of this particular part of the big world. If a position is deemed bilingual...........it takes precedence over every and all other skills.

Sadly, and with a big tinge of anger and frustration, I decide to cut my losses. What's the point, I think? If I'm not going to be considered even though I have all of the other qualifications in spades, why put myself through the angst of testing, when I know I'm not going to score well enough to be considered? I'm not good at humilitation? I know my limits, I think..........

Then......................something strange happens..................they schedule the job interviews to happen right in the middle of the testing. What's that all about? I was under the impression that this would happen after the results. More conflict in the head ensues..........all of course happening throughout the Christmas holidays. I couldn't shake it.......it was ALWAYS in the back of my mind. I ruminated, postulated, masticated, articulated, and drove everyone crazy with my endless anxieties and indeciveness. In hindsight, I can clearly see how this issue drummed up my insecurities that have accumulated over the course of the year......ones that had never been there before. I realized that I was ruminating over my own decisions more and more because I was being triggered by how I had been treated by others in my work environment.

Do I cut my losses completely, or do I suck it up and focus on doing my best in the hopes that common sense and creative problem solving on their end kicks in?

My decision to take the oral french test last Thursday came right down to the wire, and I am grateful for the help I had from a friend who wouldn't take my "no" as an answer. All of a sudden, the rationalizations turned into helpful coping mechanisms......."how bad is it going to be? I'm just going to try my best......and it will be over in less than an hour......."

Once I started down the road, things picked up. The Me versus Myself conflict dissolved, and kind of morphed into a Me versus "the system" and "Me versus the hill I needed to climb......it wasn't a mountain! Far from it! Giving birth is a frigging mountain.........a little french test is a blip of an anthill......."

I surprised myself. I understood 80 percent of what the examiner asked me. I was able to struggle through a conversation........gave him directions from the testing room to my house. I was able to describe what my house looks like, both inside and out. I talked to him about hobbies, my family, even the recent political climate in the United States. I performed a role play where I had to book a trip to Montreal......... I hemmed and hawwed quite a bit, but I found the words and I captured the phrases I needed to get my point across. And in the end? Well, I don't know what level he will grade me at yet, most likely at a basic level which isn't good enough to be considered bilingual, but he gave me some positive feedback......and reinforced my notion that I had an aptitude for languages.

I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW GREAT THAT MOMENT OF GLADNESS WAS......AND HOW IT FLOATED OUT INTO THE PARKING LOT WITH ME! All of that incessant anxiety gone.

Since then............I have written a 3 hour writing and reading comprehension exam, which I think I completed satisfactorily considering I haven't conjugated a french verb since high school in 1978. After my hands stopped shaking from writing non stop........the relief I felt standing in the parking lot again.......looking around while smiling and taking in the fresh air..........gladness most definately.

Yesterday, I walked into the job interview. I had earned the right as far as I was concerned, to be sitting in a boardroom with three interveiwers, to be peppered with what if scenario questions. I wasn't nervous at all..........I was calm, focused and determined to give it my best shot......... I offered up my best shiny ME, the one who isn't fully capable of leading a bilingual meeting without the help of translators (which BTW is the norm)...........but the one who has a deep well of gifts and knowledge perfect for the job that just may be what they are really looking for.

I've done all I could. And I've got to say............Lamott was right. In between the moments of frustration, daily anxieties, struggles...........in between the day to day mundane, or during the times when conflict takes hold of our own thinking, our own lives..........grace eventually shows up. For me, it clearly showed up in the encouragement I was given from my friends and family, in the pep talks I had with a good friend who knows me well enough that I needed to do this.....that I needed to climb this hill or I'd be forever angry over it..........a moment of gladness occured between a colleague and myself who is also one of my references. Just before the written exam, she gave me a "Oneness blessing" in her office................where she pressed her positive energy into me..........and left me feeling more calm and more focused......and more apt to just go with the flow. It helped.

But, I think the biggest moment of gladness came when I returned home. My kids who have seen me in tears over this whole frustrating situation, were now able to see that I found the fortitude to follow through on something I wasn't comfortable doing. In all of my own self centred mewing, I somehow offered them a lesson. That makes me gladder than glad.

Gratitude and grace in the ordinary moments of gladness. Maybe that's how we learn to deal with the biggie conflicts in life. Well, that's how I see it now.

ps. the other irritation after reading Lamott's book? I wished I had written it.

It's in the moments of gladness where we find a moment of awareness. Moments of gladness register stillness, even if it is fleeting.

second chance grace

"We all must hold the cups of our lives. As we grow older and become more fully aware of the many sorrows of life -- personal failures, family conflicts, disappointments in work and social life, and the many pains surrounding us on the national and international scene -- everything within and around us conspires to make us ignore, avoid, suppress, or simply deny those sorrows. "Look at the sunny side of life and make the best of it," we say to ourselves and hear others say to us. But when we want to drink the cups of our lives, we need first to hold them, to fully acknowledge what we are living, trusting that by not avoiding but befriending our sorrow we will discover the true joy we are looking for right in the midst of our sorrows. "

Henri Nouwen

I still haven't found what I'm looking for.............

Not yet, anyways. But isn't that the journey of life? We are inherent seekers and doers. It's in our genes. It's in the salt found in our spirits. It is in the salt found in the food and drink we share with our friends and family. It is in the salt found in our tears.......flavouring our lives, as we learn and grow from trying. We may not get it right the first time, or the second or the third OR even the fourth time. God, we may not ever get it right, but what is a life where at the end of it, we haven't sought out and explored the world and the people around us?



What is a life where there is no reflection emanating back at you? What is a life of avoiding risks, of hiding from the truth, of not recognizing mistakes or celebrating accomplishments? It is one of suppressed regret.


It is a life of coulda woulda shoulda..............ooooops it's over.

What if you woke up one morning at 75 years of age with the stark realization that your life was not what you expected, or that you didn't do the things you wanted to do? Would you be paralyzed by the belief that it's too late to do anything about it? Would you beat yourself up emotionally to a point where you couldn't recover from the disease of regrets? Or would you be able to grab hold of a second chance, dust yourself off, make some decisions and start moving forward in a new direction?

Personally, I'd like to avoid experiencing that epiphany then. I want to reach that milestone with a rucksack full of attempts..............the second chances which led to both success and failures, all flavoured with the salt of life. In fact, I want no salt left to discard. I want it all used up.........as I taste life.

Nouwen writes of learning from our sorrows. Through our sorrows, we can find joy. Our choice is clear. We can choose to allow our sorrows to engulf and overwhelm us to a point where we stop trying, where we stop reaching out for the second chance. Or we can grab hold of the cup with both hands, take a big gulp of insight, swallow our fearful pride, stomp on our guilt, acknowledge our sins.............FORGIVE our mistakes as God forgives us and keep on with the search.

At any age..........at any age..........

We are seekers...........who sometimes need to take our turn hiding. We need seclusion to stop the world around us, to find the silence, to dwell between the breaths, to contemplate success and failures. We need it. Even in our hiding spots, however, we never stop seeking.

In fact, now that I am thinking about it, I wonder if we seek more deeply when we have retreated. Sure, it's much scarier to seek in the dark, but sometimes the challenge makes it all the more gratifying. Perhaps, finding the braveheart to reach out for a second chance at twilight is what it takes to be moved by life affirming grace.



Second chance grace. I like that tasty idea.

regenerative synergy........

Synergy, the restorative energy produced in a group whose personalities, dreams, interests, hopes come together, is probably the most important yearning we human beings strive for. We go to great lengths to seek it out, especially when our environment is antagonistic, or when we experience an event that sends us reeling in energy sapping agony.

Synergy is what we seek when we enter a place of worship, when we join a team, when we feel the need to be around friends..........friends who may be feeling the same thing............but together energize each other. It is the high felt in a sea of people at a concert where the music washes over you. It is the new oxygen pulsing through your body when you've met someone whom you've clicked with. It is the motivating enthusiasm behind the group recognizing each other's strengths and finding a way for each individual to share their gifts to add to the project or task.



Synergy is what is needed, is what is yearned for when family and friends congregate to say a collective goodbye to a loved one. It is the necessary ingredient to feeling a bonding sense of belonging...........where everyone feels collectively..........shoulder to shoulder...........arm and arm.......face to face.



Synergy is the power behind the vibrating energy we all reflect and absorb from one another. It is the flint which enlightens our torches........the ones we use to find each other..........and the same one which helps us figure out why bad things happen to good people.



In the grey winter twilight,

a lonely pallor

seeps in like a cold windy draught

hitting the back of the neck

digging into the bones

sending a chill,

a desire

a yearning

to reach out for the energy

the synergy

of intertwining with another.

john o'donahue

On the day

when the weight

deadens on your shoulders

and you stumble,

may the clay dance

to balance you.



And when your eyes freeze

behind the grey window

and the ghost of loss

gets in to you,

may a flock of colours,

indigo, red, green,

and azure blue

come to awaken in you

a meadow of delight.





When the canvas frays

in the currach of thought

and a stain of ocean

blackens beneath you,

may there come across the waters

a path of yellow moonlight

to bring you safely home.





May the nourishment of the earth be yours,

may the clarity of light be yours,

may the fluency of the ocean be yours,

may the protection of the ancestors be yours.

And so may a slow

wind work these words

of love around you,

an invisible cloak

to mind your life.


John O'Donahue.

I never met this man. I only learned of him over the past year and grew to admire his beautiful soulful work. I know there are many whom he has touched deeply over the course of his life. His words and more importantly, his magnetic spiritual presence always radiated through in anything I had read about John O'Donahue.

In my thoughts, I had hoped to one day hear this exceptional human being speak, and to possibly meet. This morning I learned that John O'Donahue passed away. Strangely, this news came to me twice in the course of a couple of minutes through two different avenues. His death and the news of it has left me shocked and feeling a bit light headed...........so I can't imagine how the people whom he touched so dearly are feeling today.

It's not fair. My heart and love goes out to friends in the UK and his native Ireland who are grieving their friend today. He will always be cherished.

What's in a word?

Tori, who lives and writes just south of me in beautiful Maine wrote a post the other day about choosing a word to act as a thematic guide throughout the upcoming year.........a word which represented her personal goals and solutions for 2008. I thought it was an interesting idea. Tori chose the an all encompassing huggable word "embrace," defined:

1) to take or receive gladly or eagerly; accept willingly: to embrace an idea.

2) to avail oneself of: to embrace an opportunity

3) to take in with the eye or the mind.

4) to encircle; surround; enclose.

5) an act or instance of embracing.

I like it. It has open hearted, open minded possibilities. It can be applied to all parts of life, and to any and many goals I can think of.


After reading her post, I began to think of a word which would suit me........which could possibly be my guide. What I was seeking was something that could encapsulate the process of living in the moment in a multisensory manner. I wanted a word that signified possibility and potential personal growth. Off the top of my head, I thought of a few .......


alert, alive, appreciate, enlighten, mindful, balance, harmony, consciousness, recognize, experience, vital, compassion, learning..........



I liked all of these words, but they didn't completely win me over. Then, I let it stew a bit while I read various snippets and quotes I had written down over the course of the last couple of months that had resonated with me. Abraham Maslow of self actualization fame wrote....."what is necessary to change a person is to change his awareness of himself." Simply stated and yet his words have big implications and meaning, especially when one considers that he was the guru guy who gave the world the ladder and ingredients to heightened actualization. Again and again, we read that if we want to change, it has to come from within. We can't change anyone else.......we might represent the Big Kahuna down here on little bitty googley earth, but we ain't Him.........so changing our circumstances, selves, journey has to have it's genesis inside our gizzards, where the light switch dwells.


Meister Eckhart, a mystic extraordinaire with a really cool name, who blew people away live and in person not too long ago............a guy whose wisdom I am presently discovering piece by piece and through my reading am finding that wisdom is fleeting and connected to the exact moment when we learn something new only for us to realize that the process of learning this only reinforces how little we know........wrote, "Become aware of what is in you. Announce it, pronounce it, produce it and give birth to it."



Be aware of it and then share of it..............love that! If it can help me, it can help you...........if what I have learned can make a difference, I need to pull it all together. Isn't he also stating in that lovely little piece of mystic advice that to recognize your gifts in order to make them real, meaningful and vital, it has to be given it away? I become more aware of who I am if I share of myself.


That prolific monk, Thomas Merton whose head spinning (mine, not his) insights (his, not mine) have helped me contemplate, peramubulate, matisticate the very idea of grabbing hold of the holy joyful rope of faith, stated this little gem: “The whole idea of compassion is based on a keen awareness of the interdependence of all these living beings, which are all part of one another, and all involved in one another.”




Compassion, interdependence, connecting, sharing, declaring, knowing ourselves and others, working on learning and growth through internal change.......wow. Wouldn't that be great to find one open ended blooming word which could be used as an overall objective with these key guiding quotes as the foundation? Is there such a word?



yes, there is..............awareness.




interestingly, it is found most boisterous when all the other words are stripped away, and you are left with the silence of an aha moment.

• that makes you nod your head in recognition
• that feeds a sense of harmony
• that enlightens and makes you yearn for even more
• that frightens you into a feeling of insecurity
• that brightens your mind with stirrings of possibilities

Since the beginning of my blog experience, I have had the same word, the same concept guide me. Serving me while writing over 700 posts, "awareness" has been what I have continued to mine for. I will continue to let the words and guidance from that other mystic Priest, Anthony de Mello stated in the masthead of this blog guide me. I will hold it close as I continue on my rumbly stumbly journey.

Awareness is the lifelong goal. Awareness is the word for me.

"These things will destroy the human race: politics without principle, progress without compassion, wealth without work, learning without silence, religion without fearlessness, and worship without awareness....."

Anthony de Mello

beaucoup de neiges......

We awoke to the second snowstorm in two days. Last night, it began to fall quickly right after dinner and continued unabated with strong blizzardy winds all night long. We awoke to drifts 10 feet high in some spots.........lucky for us, it was right on our driveway. Lucky (very) we are surrounded by wonderful neighbours who love their big snowblowing toys. By the time we got out to deal with the deluge, the end of our driveway had been blown out. How nice is that??They even found our morning paper and put it in between the doors!

to give you an indication of just how deep things are around here.......the basketball net at the end of our front lawn. yikes.

the bushes in front of my house are about three feet high.........and where are they?

this is the drift at the side of the driveway...............it is about 5 feet higher than moi! A wall of snow is quite a sight, even to a Canuck. Yes, the amount of snow we have received so far this year (and we had a week of it melting somewhere along the line......) is even dumbfounding the residents. It's been a long time since I remember so much accumulation.........it was the year my son was born and I was home on maternity leave with him. That was 10 years ago. Now, hes's in sledding bliss with his buddies..........and just have to go down to the end of our street for a hill fun enough to spend an afternoon on.

There is a van somewhere in there............we did get it out with relatively few problems. It's funny, by the time a few snowstorms do their trick around here, most people are used to it. They clear it out as best as they can and continue on with their plans. Mine today? I spent a lovely couple of hours with a friend who just got back from spending Christmas with the troops in Afghanistan, catching up since we last spoke in the fall during his run for nomination of the local candidacy..........sipping latte drinks (I think I've had two of those in my entire life. I think I could become addicted to those........) and assessing the political landscape federally. So much for being snowed in.

Yes, life carries on as much as normal as we can. The roads were filled with others on their way to their destinations. Stores and businesses were open...........as were government offices. Snowdays when things shut down completely are very rare around here.....well, except for the schools. They close up if theres a whiff of flakes.

And yet, I'm sure there are MANY places in this country (Toronto, ahem........) which would completely and utterly shut down and call a state of emergency over this latest blanketing. :)

This picture was actually taken on New Years Day morning BEFORE the second storm hit. When Lily and I went out this morning to check things out, the snow was over her shoulders! She had to jump like an otter to get out of the drift.

Tomorrow.......................with the windchill? Sunny and -35 degrees celcius. I think I may have to dig out my Jimmy Buffett music.

I hope a day on the slopes are in the offing in the next week or so. It's been a long time since I strapped on the skiis.........it's time again to re-introduce myself to a day bombing down the hill. I hope it's like riding a bike.....you never forget. :)

If you'd like to see more beautiful photos of winter in Fredericton, check out Charles' blog. He has a multitude of wonderful pics...............just keep scrolling through and you'll find some fine shots of downtown. Oh, and BTW.......congrats to you superblogger monsieur leblanc for winning the NB political blogger award run by Spinks. Like I said in the comments there, I would've whooped your ass if the category had been touchy feely navel gazing blog of the year award HANDS DOWN!!

Perhaps I need to get back to some political writing and get into the game, n'est pas?? I've got a few good ideas in my rightwing redtory back pocket....yesssirrreeee I do.