Aversion......a warning?

Contemplative walks, sharing our doubts

A taste of aversion

salivating bitterness

fills my mouth and I can't swallow it all.

What does it tell me?

Why do I want to turn and run the other way?

Why can't I lift my head and confront aversion?

I don't want to look inside the mirror.

I don't want to see the truth.

When you look at me
and I look at you
and I feel that bitter taste returning
am I being warned of what it is I don't like in myself?

Looking at you
reflects parts of me which I try to hide
from myself and the rest of the world.

I dislike what I see in you!

I don't want to see
the sinful,
painful
ugly scars of shame
weaknesses repressed
suddenly are right in my face
starring defiantly at me
like the shadows of unresolved inner conflict
which visit when 4 am vulnerability takes hold.

I want to hurl caustic words at you as my armour.
I want to tell you to fuck off with all the red fire I can muster
and hurt you as you have hurt me.

Aversion stops me.
Aversion tells my devilish Id to keep out of it.
Aversion is the warning bell
to let me know that I have to be cognizant of why I'm reacting.

Interestingly, if I take the chance to look
I see the light of aversion in your eyes too
Your secrets and incompetencies are stirred in your soul
when you see me.

I am your aversion.

I am your mirror ....

the one that shows all the stretch marks
pox marks
reflecting seeping sores of inadequacy.
And you will have none of it!
You try to cut me down with
passive aggressive tactics
and slithering snake oil marketing.

I see what you have done

I really want to tell you EXACTLY how I feel.
But I can't.

Because you see, you have the upper hand
in this unhealthy relationship
which you use with bullying precision.
It's your best defensive tactic.
Of course you will use it.

You have used it.
Your venom forced me into a submissive silence
which simmers with inner hurt.

And I know why..........
I know you're protecting yourself.
Throw the poison darts outward
and there will be no need to look inward
where the hurt and wounds fester.
Hurt me

Justify it, rationalize it, personalize it
You will avoid any more wounds to your psyche.

I can't help you.

But I can help myself.
I can choose how I respond.
I can try to find the courage

in the still silence of contemplation
to begin to nuture my own imperfections.

I can give them a name........

I can also look inward

to gather remembrance of my goodness too...
the bright light positives
crackling through the wounds.
the gifts I own, which I know I share with others
who see me in a balanced view
who accept me unconditionally
and encourage me to shine with smiling confidence.

It helps.

Weighing the gifts with the imperfections.

Seeing my imperfections as gifts
Seeing myself as a human work in progress.

As you are
As you are.


These thoughts were inspired by a few conversations I have had this week with wonderful strong women who are stumbling a bit as they learn to react differently to the bullies they have to work for.

Sometimes a work week has a theme of sorts. Usually I find this in the interactions I have in my counselling sessions........the same issues are brought forward, or the same illness or family histories are shared with no reason except serendipity. This week, the thematic conversations happened with friends and co-workers who are experiencing similar toxic environments as I have.

The shared experiences have helped us to realize it's up to us to figure it out.....to decide how to handle it...but also to applaud ourselves and each other for the gifts we know others are aware of. Its always a blessing to know you're not alone. Its a blessing to become reacquainted with your talents and gifts.

love like you've never been hurt......

I've discovered and rediscovered life paradoxes during my travels this week, which have left me circling around my mixed thoughts and feelings which have remained unspoken.....unwritten because I don't really know how to describe it.

I want to paint a picture with broad strokes and light handed wisps at the same time.



I want to create an abstract montage on top of a canvas of stark realism.



With my brush I will attempt to uncover blurried impressionist lines accompanied by black etched scoring smeared by tears of dewdrops under a canopy of marginalized sentiments.......or is it the sentiments of the marginalized?



I want to tap into the echos of long ago voices seeping through the cracks of old homesteads where their silent ancesters are lost and lonely......



I want to describe deep pit hunger feeding on fear of the coming winter cold, stoked by wet wood that smolders and forgets to give off heat.



I need to share the soul eating frustration of living within an impatient and judgemental system that controls the every movement and daily decisions.......so much so that one hides small truths in order to keep their tired spirit sparked under a moth eaten fisherman knit.



Distrusting, disconnected, disabled......where basic needs......the FUNDAMENTAL needs we take for granted are often tossed in a garbage heap of mangled pick-ups, rusty metal, stuffing strewed sofas discarded and unnoticed anymore because somehow it has become part of the backyard landscapes camoflauged by grassy vetch........and sap sucking alders.




I want to paint all of those sentiments to bring them out of the margins and into the centre of our collective Body. Where it belongs. Where brokenness is healed by our hymns.




And yet........... at this time of year, when the trees emerge wearing their Sunday best and take firm control over the wilting flowers, my drives into the country are like entering a endless cathedral of sun glistening colour, where light dances through the mist floating up off the harvested fields, where the leaves look as tastefully inviting as a roll of lifesavers. It's like the hymn turns into a gospel hallelujah and it doesn't feel quite right........



I want to share this hallelujah too!!



The beauty of the season sometimes took my breath away as I drove up to the crest of a hill only to find an expansive vista of old rolling hills covered in green pine and autumn colours as far as I can see. Like a colourful patchwork quilt, it blanketed the earth with such warmth and humour. Undulating roads winding through the countryside offered me snapshots upon snapshots kept in my memory. Sometimes I stopped to try to capture the essence of the scene, as it was much too bountiful to fit within the circumference of my lens, and the colours were so vividly alive that a photo just couldn't match it.


I did stop on occasion to capture one particular majestic tree, or the end of an abandoned dock stripped of summer, or some driftwood at my feet where I was standing to try to capture the illusive vista photo. And I shook my head in wonder at how blessed I am to be living in such a magnificent setting. And yet..........and yet.................





My music, sweet background lilts kept me company and fed my thoughts of the paradox I was witnessing. Knowing I was headed to meet with different people living in dire poverty, who are struggling with serious health issues and yet can't afford the proper nutritional sustenance to help alleviate some of the symptoms, I felt guilty for having a life that allows me to stop and appreciate the freedom of the beauty. It's like I wasn't supposed to feel so good about what I was witnessing in between home visits.

Ah, but......as I reflect on my countryside travels I am beginning to see that the paradoxes are somewhat of a facade, for they are only in my own thinking. Yes the living conditions in the rundown houses hidden by the canopy of orange leaves are deplorable. No doubt about it.

Am I thinking that just because one is living such an existance doesn't marvel at the beauty all around them as well? Of course they do............and we talk about how wonderful this autumn has been.......that it has been warm longer than most years, and drier too so the wood can ripen so it will crackle in late November. In fact, it is the beauty of the season............the shared stories of deer sightings and Canada Geese......of favourite places to visit in the area, the fresh cool breeze which fills lungs much more easily than hot muggy air...that allows us to connect. Every single conversation I had began where we both admitted to feeling blessed for the quilted rolling hills, the sharp blue sky, and the canopy of lush colours.


Distressingly, we live under very different circumstances......which is a black etched scoring that digs deep into the pit of our stomachs. Its a sad reality, which I believe is erasable. Where we come together always, however is when we can acknowledge that the hymns we sing are the same.........some are quiet and sad and some are open hearted hallelujahs........we all know the hymns.

Be Thou my battle-shield, sword for my fight,

Be Thou my dignity, Thou my delight.

Thou my soul's shelter, Thou my high tower.

Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

It is at that place.......where we begin to work together to get rid of the paradoxes and to replace it with harmony.



the beautiful imperfections of fallen leaves....in harmony together

May we always have wine to gladden our hearts and to share in communion with our friends.

For you Shasta Daisy .... a toast to a vintage year harvest.

crisp morning light

As the days get shorter and the nights get longer, the morning light illuminates with such sharpness and clarity. Could it be that we need darkness to descend longer in order to appreciate dawn's splashing enlightenment? I do love autumn mornings.

Restorative action

Dateline: Today, around noon.

Location: The old train station, McAdam New Brunswick

Purpose of visit: I'm nosey. I had my camera. I was early for an appointment with a client, so decided to take a lookseeeeeeee because my friend, scrapbooker and blogger named Princess (oh did I mention she teaches pole dancing too?? Gotta love a Scrapbooking pole dancing Princess.....) suggested I'd enjoy a lookseeeeee. However, she suggested this earlier in the fall when it was open for touristas, so I didn't expect an opportunity to get inside. Luck was on my side today, my friend......... I met a gentleman who has dedicated his retirement to restoring the grand old Dame. He invited me in and gave me a grand tour....... AND a history lesson.

The McAdam train station was built in 1900. For 80+ years, it was considered the "gateway stop" into the Maritimes. Trains via Quebec and Maine travelled in from the west, always stopping in McAdam before veering off to northern New Brunswick, Saint John, Moncton, St. Andrews, some eventually leading to Nova Scotia.

This station was unique for many reasons. First of all, it made this little town famous. Since it became defunct, the village has lost any lustre it once had. In fact, today in my opinion, McAdam is one step away from someone simply turning off the lights and walking away. It's one of the saddest destinations. The only company is a small gypsom plant. Most people who are able to work have left for greener pastures. Retired folk and people scraping by on welfare are the predominant groups left to figure it out. Poverty is a way of life here. There are many people living on "the other side of the tracks" more than the affluent side.

Though there are many villages throughout this province who have seen better days. Resource based economies breed this swing in employment rates. It's the nature of the beast. Some can be restored......they can come back to life with a strong group of visionaries, while others just keep missing the right ingredient to turn things around. McAdam feels that way to me. To restore this beautiful building and turn it into a destination which brings business into the area may be the start of something hopeful.

Secondly, the structure is unique. Built under the direction of William Cornelius Van Horne, the railway magnate who owned a summer estate on an island off the coast of Saint Andrews, the McAdam Railway station grew to include an 8 room 5 star hotel, a fine dining area, a ballroom and a lunch room. At this point in history, many trains came through this area, and many passengers coming from all parts of Canada and the United States. Van Horne, who entertained lavishly at his summer estate, didn't want his "friends" to wait without the luxury they were accustomed to. So, he paid for the added features of this train station. It was also the Customs stop for the Canada/US border.

Gradually the train station's amenities closed up until the very last nail in the coffin came in 1994.........that was when the last train came through. Various attempts to use it for offices etc lasted for short bits.........there was no need for office space in a village that was losing all of it's economy bit by bit. Eventually, the station closed down.

A small group of local people who grew up in the area, and who had strong emotional and familial ties to this grand place decided to do something about. They are trying to turn it into a functional place.............a destination that can be used for various functions. One room at a time.....it's a painful process, but it is one done with love and respect. These wonderful people are thinking BIG and thinking LONG TERM. They are commited to try to turn this place around. And if they can, perhaps the poverty which fills the grey clouded air will float away. One really good business plan can lead to others being established. It can happen. It has in other places, why not here?

It's a huge dream.........one that this province needs to pay attention to. We need to support and promote this small group of people who have given up their retirement tee times to restore their beautiful train station. Meetings, receptions, conferences, dining experiences......all within the walls of a restored building reminiscent of the early 1900's.........Why not?

I saw the whole building........went into the old rooms which once used to be luxurious by the standards of those days. Chipped paint, chunks of ceiling gone........haphazard walls have been put up. I saw the old library, and the annex where the staff lived. It all needs to be renovated. Good thing there are some who have that marvellous vision.

thanks Princess! I'm glad you suggested that I stop in there.

finding your way.....

The prompt this week for Sunday Scribblings left me scrambling to catch up to a whole slew of ideas marching by. Worst job, Best job, Dream job???? Wow! That's a loaded prompt for a navel gazing gal like moi.....one who just happens to be in a prickly predicament on the career front right about now.

Love the job.........hate the scenario.

So, I thought it best to write about my dream job......a little bit of this and that.......

Well, guess what? That left a bitter taste in my mouth....... it was a dream job piece of writing based on a foundation of nasty medicine. There I was POUNDING on the keys like a banshee letting out cries for the dead, all the while trying to write a light uplifting hopeful quality world post full of sweet touching faerie promise. Could the gap of feeling be any wider?

So, then I thought I'd write something about a previous job, with the intentions of focusing on my favourite place I have worked. It was a lovely learning environment which actually has been my anchor and home for revisiting the values and goals I still have for my career. But, I've written about it before, and I still was harbouring negative stuff in my head from my first attempt.

So.........I went in another completely different direction. Why not attempt a poem about JOBS? Well, I don't know about you, but I can't write a poem on demand.....if it's pushed and pulled out of my heart, it feels SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO contrived. Poetry is an unexpected gift. Can't expect an unexpected gift.......can't even hope for it! The poem was trashed....deleted with one pointer finger.

Time away from the topic, I began to whistle about on this Sunday afternoon making a big pot of savoury sauce, chopping fresh vegies from the market, cooking meatballs, squeezing the garlic, crumpling the oregano......stirring and simmering........listening to a variety of good upbeat music. A bit of live Springsteen..........an ALL NEW Mark Knopfler CD (love it!) and some vintage Al Green........smooth..............jazzy.............his voice is a poetic gift........of warm brandy and soft lights. Al Green is dreaming music.................

........times are good and bad and happy and sad......

I could sense the gap of feelings merge......as I began to find my light footed sunday afternoon dance......dancing with Al........

Instead of focusing on my OWN personal career path, all of a sudden I was flushed by a face of a young man fresh out of school who found himself nervously sitting in my office ready to tell me all about HIS dream job, in hopes that I could help him reach that goal. He wanted to work in the woods.........not as a forestry graduate. He just wanted to work in the woods cutting and sledging and whatever they do in the woods. It was attainable for him.........he just needed to know how to start and who to talk to. All within an hour, we had a gameplan. He left my office with a list of to dos and the knowledge that he COULD do what he wanted to do.

Then, I was visited by a memory of a man who was my age. Somehow he had managed to scrape by, working beyond his capabilities without knowledge of a severe learning disability until he had an Arts degree under his belt. With very limited ability to write a coherent paper, I don't know how he found the way. But he did. His dream though was to become a Minister.....he needed the help of technology and of others to guide him through the next phase of his learning. We worked together intensely, arranging all of this to make it happen. He's now out there somewhere with his own congregation.......and with a big heart of understanding.

And it makes me smile........big feeling seeping smiles..........of helping others find their way. This is the part of my job I LOVE.

It's funny how certain encounters from hundreds of encounters can float up to clarity when you take the time to remember........ when you take the time to step away from your own intense thinking, from your own navel gazing tactics. Sometimes it just takes just the right music to set the mood to make it happen.

Dream job? Good job, bad job...........attainable, out of reach..........wishing to alleviate the barriers to the job..........ability, disability, capability, reachability..........these are discussions I have the priviledge of taking part in with other people almost everyday. Why? Because I'm a Career Consultant. That's my official job title, and my primary role when it comes the career counselling stuff is to be a motivator, listener, cheerleader, and sometimes the realist. Most of the time though, I get to encourage BIG DREAMING. Lots of big dreams get tossed about in my office!

Somedays, it feels like I'm only a baby step ahead of the person I'm supposed to be helping simply because I too am an unfinished human being (my REAL job) seeking my own goals. But that's alright. It keeps me on my toes, just like a dynamic teacher who knows they will learn more from their students than they will EVER be able to pass on.........

We are all learning together, aren't we?

The last beautiful face to slip by me this afternoon was a young waif who sought me out one morning and asked me if I would have a coffee with her. This was years ago, when her daughter was just a baby and when I wasn't even a parent myself yet. Lost and surrounded by drugs and violence.......of unhealthy relationships and no support...........she had one dream. She wanted to be a nurse but she only had completed grade 7. Through some aptitude testing, it was obvious that this little waif was a diamond in the rough. She scored off the map......... So, I enrolled her at the high school level of upgrading.

She promised to seek me out whenever she hit a wall, and I promised to never let her quit despite any circumstances. Within two very tough and very emotional years of ups and downs of hardships we can't even imagine, she graduated and moved into a nursing program. She had her wings..........and off she went out of my life.

Five years later? We met again on the maternity floor at the local hospital. She was dressed in her nursing uniform, and I had a newborn in my arms and needed some guidance from her. She has never looked back.

I don't really know where this is headed........kind of like my career path right now. What I do know is that there are parts of my current job which fill me with such joy and satisfaction that I find it difficult to consider giving that part of it up. It's a navel gazing conundrum......one which I have had to entertain for too long now. ....... one which I need resolve. Better get back to the stirring and simmering......and the music in the background. I seem to do my best thinking and reminiscing on Sunday afternoons.

"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. That makes it hard to plan the day." EB White

For more Sunday scribblings check this out................

*****ps If anyone is trying to reach me by phone, the line has been dead for three days. We are not being rude....... We don't know you've called. Hopefully it will be up and running Monday. As far as the internet? I'm "lunching on someone's else's dime" in the neighbourhood. Long live wireless internet sources!!

mystic questioning

Grey clouds of unknowing,

the backdrop to blurried impressions

leading to internal strife

where stillness and storm collide

where awareness meets mystical questioning.

Chaos driven by autumnal loneliness

the source of hazy landscapes

surrounding identity confusion

where contemplation and outbursts merge

where answers are never clearly defined

Are they hidden behind the grey clouds of the unknown?

blurry thoughts from a blurry person who has been sucking on tylenol 3's for two days.

forgiveness

"To be truly liberated, we have to make an effort to communicate with those we dislike, to try to understand and accept them as they are and to experience our mutual humanity. This is forgiveness."

Jean Vanier, Becoming Human

What is more difficult when it comes to human relationships than to wash away the negative thoughts and feelings one has for another human being, especially if they are the cause of your pain? Where do you start? How do you do this without feeling like you've compromised yourself?

There's a huge difference between assertive forgiveness and passive forgiveness. One is when you ensure your self esteem and integrity remain intact, whereas the other is a forgiveness which compromises your confidence. The first is liberating. The second passive kind still feels like a self imposed sentence.

We are in control of how we react and act in any situation, which of course is easier said than done isn't it? When the dam of feelings bursts through the sluice without any way of redirecting or holding back, our reactions and actions take on a radiated passion too hot to secure. When our emotions take centre stage.......when they override our more cognitive thoughts, we lose clarity. WE see RED.

When we are hurt emotionally, .........we see orange and yellow and neon flashes of RED. Forgiveness doesn't come from a red hot searing place. Forgivness comes from a more earthy toned calmer place in our hearts where all colours blend to ground us.

Sometimes forgiveness takes a lifetime. Sometimes it takes that long to gain the calming insight to recognize the other person's humanity. Sometimes, however, we are just not capable of forgiving. The pain is too deep........the act too evil.....the other person too mean and wounded. Is this when we reliquish our role of forgiving and pass it onto our Higher Power?

Is this when we say....................Hey God, can you help me on this forgiveess thing? I'm having a very tough time with this one..

One thing I have learned is that if one can't forgive, one missed out on that relieving sense of liberation. A continued feeling of being shackled to the tense by-pass will persist. Who wants to be a slave to hatred?

What's out there??

View of Saint John Harbour, October 5th

When you look out onto the water

which flows outward beyond the horizon

do you dream of adventures

of new places to explore

of unending possiblities?

Or.......

Do you simply look out onto the water and say:

What a nice view. Now lets go eat?

Dreams take us to place we can only imagine.

Lots of jotting down words over the past couple of days, trying to capture the essence of my drifting thoughts. I dont feel overly focused all the time, like I normally am. It seems to come and go as I slow my pace to fit the season. It seems to me I'm ahead of myself however. It seems to me that my pre-occupation with the desire to hibernate, to chill out doesn't normally hit me until the snow starts flying. It's normally a January occupation, not one that hits in October.

I'm tired. But, I'm also inspired. I have such a strong desire to write.........to simply let it flow so time becomes entwined with my activity. I'm tired because my brain keeps churning out preoccupations of topics I wish to explore. My brain is busy processing and I have this desire to head under the covers to let it take root or something. This is probably why hibernation seems like a good idea. My ideas right now, fueled by my choice of reading are saplings in need of time to store nutrients........to grow stronger inward before it can allow it's branches to stretch outward.



Recently, I had a conversation with a "Pal" who talked about never feeling bored. He described himself as a dreamer.........someone who can easily slip into the mode of creating a story from a dream and take it into place where imagination reigns. It doesn't take much for him to head into a dream.........a collection of interesting clouds, a new horizon........spending time observing the flow of the river. Any daily wonder is fodder for his illustrative dreams. And because of this ability, he is never stuck with nothing to do. There's ALWAYs something to create in one's imagination. And I have to agree with him. Boredom is the death knell of creativity, whereas dreams are the primary colour watercolour paints to bring a canvas to life.



Theres a difference between dreaming at night while asleep. More often than not it seems that this type of dreaming is a processing of the past. Reflective processing in order to figure it out. Day time dreaming with your eyes wide open is a place where "what if" welcomes possibility and in turn promotes the very idea......the very dream has the potential to become something. It could be an action........it could be the development of a new story. Day time dreams feed hope, sparks motivation, stimulates the imagination. Boredom is not in the picture.



Many people don't dream big for one reason or another. Some find it to be a waste of precious time...........these people are stern taskmasters who push through life with flurry, in a hurry and with much fury. Some find dreaming more work than not, so they decide to keep their heads shoved in the sand away from creative opportunities. Dreams awaken you........they call out to you to follow a NEW train of thought........to dabble in challenging the status quo.



I guess this is where I am right now.........entertaining new dream possiblities, and wondering which ones I would like to pursue........which colours do I want to paint my next canvas with. It is tiring..............churning brain stimulations do that to you. So, as I invite new dreams over to settle into my unsettled brain the desire to find a stillness under the covers increases. However, that luxury is not a realistic goal. Instead, I will have to find the time during my busy days to slip away into my dreamy head whenever I can and see where some of them lead.

My journal jotting will be my companion.....as I have miles to go before I sleep.

Freedom expressed through love

I want to share this with you. It blew me away.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4B-r8KJhlE

"I am not free if I am taking away someone else's freedom, just as surely as I am not free when my freedom is taken from me.... To be free is not merely to cast off one's chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others." Nelson Mandela.

light behind the black clouds.

Whenever I feel like I've heard it all, I meet someone new whose story strikes that thought down with a bolt of lightening. It happened again today. I was caught holding my breath listening to a woman pour out her story which included events and details I had never heard before.........painful sob catching admissions which has left her with acquired shame and disgust. These feelings had numbed her into a submissive relationship which until recently seemed like a life sentence. The numbness didn't happen overnight. It was a gradual accumulation, starting with the shutting of the mind and heart and working it's way out into the limbs.

Now? Though she still feels these deeply, she knows that there may be a day when she can lift that black cloak of shame and guilt, drop it on the floor and walk away from it. Her life sentence eternity was wracked with such pain. She spoke of how the shame scraped at her spirit, how the knowledge she carries with her punched holes in her soul which left her feeling physical pain. She then turned to Dilaudid to eliminate it and was hooked on this powerful drug of choice within a couple of weeks. But, she has escaped the clutches. Her personal baggage is buldging at the seams, weighted down with sharpe craggy rocks. But, she's broken free of the life sentence, and she can inhale her new freedom..........scared, scarred........but basically in one piece.

Sometimes we search for something which replaces the pain with ecstacy.......our numbness turns into a peaked feeling of pleasure. Escape.......even for a short period of time is sought with obsessive salivation. Drugs do this. Sex can do this. Violence can even do this. Heart pain goes away when one cuts through skin somewhere on the body. If one can't physically run away, one will find a way to mentally run away. If one is numb, one will seek something which will heighten the senses..........sanctity through self indulgent pleasure in order to FEEL comfort.........in order to FEEL escape...........in order to FEEL a spiritual connection however fleeting.

I couldnt help myself today.............my eyes filled with tears as I listened, as I passed her the box of kleenex. It doesn't happen very often.........usually I am able to keep focused on the counselling, still feeling but focused on taking the person through their own journey and not adding my reaction to the mix. But today, what I heard struck a chord in me which started my own tears. I had no words..........nothing that could strip away the past. Instead of using any counselling techniques in my little professional toolbox, I moved closer and held onto her like a friend......like a Mom. I found myself rocking her.......a Mom rocking another Mom and I wondered when was the last time she had felt an unconditional rocking hug...............maybe never. Who knows? What I do know was that as I was hugging her, I could feel her relax into her deep emotions.......I could feel her pass some of it on......letting it drop onto the floor. Part of that black cloak shed. It was a beginning. She shared her deepest most sorrowful secret and I wanted to respond to her with my own honesty. I wanted her to know that is was such a good thing to have shared it.............in a place where there would be no commentary.

We spent almost two hours together this morning............alone in my little office, surrounded by others on the other side of the walls who were working away in theirs oblivious to the pain and honesty being shared by this brave but bruised woman. It was a draining, challenging, fulfilling, helpful, enlightening, growing, showing, important two hours. Neither of us will forget what was shared. Neither of us will forget how close we became during that time when all barriers fell, when two human beings met on a precipice of disclosure to release the shackled shame.

After we made arrangements to meet again, and after I walked her to the exit.......... I was left with an emptiness from feeling drained and bewildered by the intensity of the connection. I was also left with the realization that counselling keeps life real. It keeps me real. Counselling is my vehicle for lifelong learning.

renewal

"Be transformed by the renewal of your mind."

Change is inevitable, though as human beings, we try to buck it with all our might. Like putting on a stiff pair of new shoes, change binds uncomfortably causing blisters and sore spots. It's very rare that you find a pair of shoes that have a cozy fit right away. Normally, you try on many different pairs, test out a dozen styles before you find the ones which call out to you. Then, you have to get used to them....walk around in them for a bit. Change is the same way. We need to wear it for a while......test it out while walking up and down the aisles in our mind before we decide to come to terms with it.

Isn't it funny how often you find yourself looking at your new pair of shoes when you first wear them out of the house? Perhaps they are TOO white..........TOO new looking and you feel like everyone is starring at the glow. Perhaps they are TOO shiny.......TOO sparkly and need a bit of a scuff just to wear them in. Or maybe they are just perfect and you can't seem to look at them enough. I think we all have a bit of a toddler in us when it comes to new shoes.

What happens when the shoes you purchased are very different than the type of shoes you have worn in the past........the heel is higher, the colour is bolder.......you've gone from wearing loafers all the time to a more formal dress shoe? It takes an adjustment in thinking and doing to make the shift to wearing different shoes. If you've defined yourself as a sandals person, it's going to take a while to transform your thinking if all of a sudden you're sporting a pair of steel toed work boots.

No matter what the shift is, it begins with feeling uncomfortable during the transition. So what happens when the change is much bigger than a new pair of shoes?

What if we are in market for a personal internal transformation.......... a REALLY big shift in our way of thinking and doing and believing? Do these things happen overnight? Not normally. I don't think one can go to sleep one night believing life spins one way and wake up the next seeing it on a completely different axis. A renewal of the mind is a gradual growth usually. That's how we best handle change.

Wouldn't it be nice if our lives and our world worked that way? LOTS of time to make a gradual change..............uhuh...............

Unfortunately, events beyond our control and even some within our control can trigger a huge shift in a split second. We have seen this whenever a natural disaster hits one part of our global community. We have seen how one photo of a naked child running down the road in pain away from the firey violence in VietNam altered the thinking of a whole nation with respect to a war being fought halfway around the world. We have witnessed a sea of peace loving monks dressed in their traditional garb march in protest down the streets in Burma .......

The twin towers

The tsunami

Katrina

Hiroshima

One small step for man........

the discovery of penicillin.

the birth of a baby

marriage

divorce

personal health news

Change alters the light.........and increases the heat of anxiety because change shakes our foundation of faith. What do I believe? What kind of life shoes do I want to fit me? How am I going to transform my thinking to accept new? How am I going to get through this? Do you wish you could bottle up a magic potion that would take some of the pain and anxiety away from our inevitable transformative changes? Unfortunately, we must do our best to align our hearts and minds to renewal with the faith and understanding that it is all a part of our own journey.

It's all about reaching a point where we don't cry because it's over. Rather we smile because it happened.

written by this week's writers island prompt, renewal.................check out the others..........

dawn

The whole sky was filled with colour this morning. Looking down river to the east, I saw tangerine stripes align with azure to create a beautiful pattern above the horizon, with the river soaking in a combination of the two. Looking west, I saw dawn reflected above the trees in hues of pink. It looked like the colour was etching out of the red leaves and not really a part of the sunrise.

Our imaginations will never match the One who created this place we call home.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Where would we be if we lost our ability to use our imagination?

a time for every purpose..........

Blessings disguised as heartache sometimes remain a mystery for a long time. We struggle to find meaning, to request a reason for having to struggle and stumble through a particularly painful experience......we ask WHY a lot, expecting this dawn of enlightenment to strike us like a bolt out of nowhere. But they continue to defy our understanding.

I'm beginning to think that blessings.......new ones.........not the ones we already recognize and count...... don't like to reveal themselves until you aren't paying attention.

It's kind of like losing those keys you're absentmindedly carting around in your hand. You conciously (or so you think) look and look for those darn keys only to be flushed with brilliance the moment you have given up looking and you sit down to figure out how you're going to miraculously start the car. DOH!

We tend to use up our energies looking with futility.........treading arm circles over and over.......going over the same patch of grass, looking, looking....trying to find the keys...kicking our own asses in punishment.......how could I have been so stupid? Why? Why?

Why is this happening to me........?

What is the purpose of having to experience this heartache?

To make me more aware?

To test my patience?

To force me to recognize what is REALLY important in life?

What is REALLY important in life?

A blessing disguised as heartache has the capacity to offer you a brighter light to look into the well where dark uncertainty hovers. But only if you stop with the arm circling futility........only if you let go of your fight for control over everything in your life. Because it is then, you will realize you are holding the keys already.

Relax. They don't remain disguised forever.

To everything (turn, turn, turn)

There is a season (turn, turn, turn)

And a time for every purpose, under heaven

a few thoughts on this Thanksgiving weekend.....................

morning light filtering through colour

We are all afraid. We constantly question our actions, our motives, our aspirations. It is our nature........we are born with an imagination which intimidates us into a shuddering mess of contradictions. Panic can scrape away our confidence OR it can motivate our hearts and minds to push through it. What matters is how we interpret our trepidations.

When we are face to face with our trembling shadows, we need to seek hope by engaging in action.......hopeful action......the kind of movement which will lead us to a commitment of stretching ourselves towards reassurance. It is the idea of hope, the perception that our hope is alive and well and living around the corner that will save us.

Reach forward........stretch as much as you can.........your fingertips will touch the warm heat of hope. If you can hold out , you will surely feel a sense that you are not alone. Hope transforms itself into love and belonging. Hope is where faith dwells. Hope is the language of our spirit.

The Colour of Light

“For me, a landscape does not exist in its own right, since its appearance changes at every moment; but the surrounding atmosphere brings it to life - the light and the air which vary continually. For me, it is only the surrounding atmosphere which gives subjects their true value.”

Claude Monet.

the game of risk.

Morning meditations at low tide,

PEI, 2007

I do pick my battles. I think the problem is..........I seem to have picked several over the years. I have the scars to prove it. But I also have the success stories tucked in my heart and head. These stories are the salve for the scars.

Since learning that I'm perceived as a renegade of some kind, a shit disturber, cage rattler bully by a select few (albeit ones who have the keys to make my work life miserable), I have reflected back on some of the individuals I have strongly advocated for on their behalf. The doozies. Not the ones where it has been a simple request after providing some new information about their living situation, or their desire to take a short course in order to be more employable etc. This is my everyday kind of advocating. No, I've been thinking about the ones I stuck my neck out for. I have absolutely no regrets ...... none. In fact, when I look back on the battles, I am pleased to realize how many of these wonderful human beings were able to move forward in their own journeys because they were given a chance.......a fighting chance!!

However, if someone was paying attention and keeping tabs on the number of battles......I can see how I have easily been labelled as a concientious objector of the status quo renegade lady. If I am confronted by a set of rules or a bizarre situation which seems ludicrous and needs to be challenged, my brain automatically kicks into gear trying to find a way to do a "work around." It's not that I have this over inflated sense of entitlement (well there are days when I feel like a princess....who doesn't??) Rather, the button pushed in me is the one labelled fairness. Actually, it's more of an alarm..........the fairness alarm. AND, when policies and legislation is the name of the game, well there is just an assumption that those rules will be interpreted with no living colour.............no grey.............just black and white. One size fits all. Exceptions aren't invited. No questions asked.

I'm a question asker.

I like the sound of the word.............. WHY?

So, I have been revisiting many familiar faces...........many human beings who I know have succeeded with a little boost.....a little individualized help.........many are active working members of our community now. No rules were broken. No laws were broken by addressing the person's life situation with some creative individuality. I have also been reminded of a few others I had forgotten about by my supportive colleagues who seem to be as dumbfounded as me to hear that I have been labelled "difficult to work with," and you know what? I can honestly and genuinely say to myself.........

I wouldn't have backed down on any one of those battles. Not a blessed one.

"You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt has become tasteless, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled under foot by men.

You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house.

Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven. "

We are all lights in this world. Every single one of us. And if one of our lights seems to be dim or even about to flicker and fade, the ones whose candles are burning strongly need to be there to relight it. It's what fairness and equality is all about isn't it?

True Patriot Love

With glowing hearts

We see thee rise

two years and a new day......

It began with the title of my very first post and from there the words began to flow. Two years ago, I started this blog as a place to capture my thoughts and opinions under an umbrella named Awareness. Broad enough to allow me the freedom to harvest from an abundantly growing field of ideas, my Awareness blog has evolved along with me. My writing has taken on an importance in my daily life I never expected. It has also given me a new future to pursue in my career.

When I looked back today on what I did write in my first post, I laughed at the fact that I had written about being "unfinished"........... a theme I returned to again just this past week. Gee, had I moved forward at all?

No question. I'm still very much unfinished, but I've added more glistening threads to my life tapestry while I have also reflected on some of the threaded designs I had created before. This daily activity (and some would rightfully point it out as an obsession) has moved me down an emotional, spiritual and cognitive path I could never have imagined in 2005. My goal was to write to learn..... and LEARN I have as I continue along with the same goal.

I've done a bit of writing too! Housed on this blog are over 600 posts, 100 or so I am very proud of and continue to revisit in order to work on something publishable. Sometimes I will read something I have written a while back and feel giddy about the phrasing of a particular paragraph, or because of a word trip flow I managed to capture all by myself. Many pieces have a the message intact but need some TLC to pull it out more effectively. I have enough distance from it to be able to do this work with an open mind. I own the words, but they don't chain me down to a point where editing and fixing is a struggle. Part of this comes from the reminder I give myself................Write now..........just get it down..............and edit later. The key is to just write and write and write. You can revisit later. And that's what I've done.

2 whole years!! I thought I'd run out of ideas. I thought the tap would run dry. There seems to be no end in sight. My writing has gone from awareness to internalization. It is a clear part of me.......of who I am..........of what I look like. My writing is something I carry with me every minute just like the special people in my life. I may not have seen them in a while. I may not have even spoken to them in a long time. But those special people never leave me. I carry them inside. My writing is the same. There may be a time when the muses have gone on vacation, but because I have internalized it, writing will forever be in my creative mind and body.

So, where did I begin? With "A New Day"..........just like every day. And what did I write in my first post that made me laugh.......??

"So, who am I? First and foremost, I am a lunatic, just like everyone else in this crazy complicated world. I tend to see things through absurdist eyes. I believe in fate, destiny, original ideas, optimism, hope, innocence, willfulness, honesty, goodness, love and freedom. And as I continue to search for clearer understanding and acceptance of my faith, I will venture forward with my eyes, ears and heart wide open. I will use this writing space to express my discoveries, to share my opinions, to sort out my views, to rant about injustice, and to write to learn."

Not much has changed? Sounds pretty darn familiar to me! Yes, this description is definately still me.........and how I view the world.......but I have different vantage points..........shifts have happened.......and hopefully I will always be proud of my unfinished lunacy.

*The moment you stop caring about the things that matter is the moment you stop living with your eyes wide open.*

ps....written in part by the prompt "the journey" from a new writer's site, Writer's island.....check out the journeys others have shared.

Suspended just over the river horizon, the moon seemed within reach last night as I took this photo from my back deck. It sat dipping below the stars which filled the clear night sky. But they were only playing a supporting role to the moon. She shone like a golden egg -- inviting yet always mysteriously elegant. We know she is a constant visitor.

We still stand in awe of her, our autumn moon.

As I stood alone in the quiet of the night inhaling the crispness of the air on the last day of September and taking in the golden majesty, I wondered who else was doing the same. Who else was looking up at the night sky wondering what was out there?

Were you out there last night, looking at the moon?

It comforted me to think of others doing the same thing in a connective manner, because if I think I'm the only one standing alone gazing out at the vastness of the night sky, I feel incredibly insignificant in the scheme of things. As much as I was standing alone.......I was alone........I chose to feel a sense of kinship to others drawn by the mystery of our lovely moon. Instead of feeling insignificant, I felt empowered. I felt a part of something bigger than my back yard.