Aversion......a warning?

Contemplative walks, sharing our doubts

A taste of aversion

salivating bitterness

fills my mouth and I can't swallow it all.

What does it tell me?

Why do I want to turn and run the other way?

Why can't I lift my head and confront aversion?

I don't want to look inside the mirror.

I don't want to see the truth.

When you look at me
and I look at you
and I feel that bitter taste returning
am I being warned of what it is I don't like in myself?

Looking at you
reflects parts of me which I try to hide
from myself and the rest of the world.

I dislike what I see in you!

I don't want to see
the sinful,
painful
ugly scars of shame
weaknesses repressed
suddenly are right in my face
starring defiantly at me
like the shadows of unresolved inner conflict
which visit when 4 am vulnerability takes hold.

I want to hurl caustic words at you as my armour.
I want to tell you to fuck off with all the red fire I can muster
and hurt you as you have hurt me.

Aversion stops me.
Aversion tells my devilish Id to keep out of it.
Aversion is the warning bell
to let me know that I have to be cognizant of why I'm reacting.

Interestingly, if I take the chance to look
I see the light of aversion in your eyes too
Your secrets and incompetencies are stirred in your soul
when you see me.

I am your aversion.

I am your mirror ....

the one that shows all the stretch marks
pox marks
reflecting seeping sores of inadequacy.
And you will have none of it!
You try to cut me down with
passive aggressive tactics
and slithering snake oil marketing.

I see what you have done

I really want to tell you EXACTLY how I feel.
But I can't.

Because you see, you have the upper hand
in this unhealthy relationship
which you use with bullying precision.
It's your best defensive tactic.
Of course you will use it.

You have used it.
Your venom forced me into a submissive silence
which simmers with inner hurt.

And I know why..........
I know you're protecting yourself.
Throw the poison darts outward
and there will be no need to look inward
where the hurt and wounds fester.
Hurt me

Justify it, rationalize it, personalize it
You will avoid any more wounds to your psyche.

I can't help you.

But I can help myself.
I can choose how I respond.
I can try to find the courage

in the still silence of contemplation
to begin to nuture my own imperfections.

I can give them a name........

I can also look inward

to gather remembrance of my goodness too...
the bright light positives
crackling through the wounds.
the gifts I own, which I know I share with others
who see me in a balanced view
who accept me unconditionally
and encourage me to shine with smiling confidence.

It helps.

Weighing the gifts with the imperfections.

Seeing my imperfections as gifts
Seeing myself as a human work in progress.

As you are
As you are.


These thoughts were inspired by a few conversations I have had this week with wonderful strong women who are stumbling a bit as they learn to react differently to the bullies they have to work for.

Sometimes a work week has a theme of sorts. Usually I find this in the interactions I have in my counselling sessions........the same issues are brought forward, or the same illness or family histories are shared with no reason except serendipity. This week, the thematic conversations happened with friends and co-workers who are experiencing similar toxic environments as I have.

The shared experiences have helped us to realize it's up to us to figure it out.....to decide how to handle it...but also to applaud ourselves and each other for the gifts we know others are aware of. Its always a blessing to know you're not alone. Its a blessing to become reacquainted with your talents and gifts.