Friday, October 19, 2007

Aversion......a warning?

Contemplative walks, sharing our doubts

A taste of aversion
salivating bitterness
fills my mouth and I can't swallow it all.

What does it tell me?
Why do I want to turn and run the other way?
Why can't I lift my head and confront aversion?
I don't want to look inside the mirror.
I don't want to see the truth.

When you look at me
and I look at you
and I feel that bitter taste returning
am I being warned of what it is I don't like in myself?

Looking at you
reflects parts of me which I try to hide
from myself and the rest of the world.

I dislike what I see in you!

I don't want to see
the sinful,
ugly scars of shame
weaknesses repressed
suddenly are right in my face
starring defiantly at me
like the shadows of unresolved inner conflict
which visit when 4 am vulnerability takes hold.

I want to hurl caustic words at you as my armour.
I want to tell you to fuck off with all the red fire I can muster
and hurt you as you have hurt me.

Aversion stops me.
Aversion tells my devilish Id to keep out of it.
Aversion is the warning bell
to let me know that I have to be cognizant of why I'm reacting.

Interestingly, if I take the chance to look
I see the light of aversion in your eyes too
Your secrets and incompetencies are stirred in your soul
when you see me.

I am your aversion.

I am your mirror ....
the one that shows all the stretch marks
pox marks
reflecting seeping sores of inadequacy.
And you will have none of it!
You try to cut me down with
passive aggressive tactics
and slithering snake oil marketing.

I see what you have done
I really want to tell you EXACTLY how I feel.
But I can't.

Because you see, you have the upper hand
in this unhealthy relationship
which you use with bullying precision.
It's your best defensive tactic.
Of course you will use it.

You have used it.
Your venom forced me into a submissive silence
which simmers with inner hurt.

And I know why..........
I know you're protecting yourself.
Throw the poison darts outward
and there will be no need to look inward
where the hurt and wounds fester.
Hurt me
Justify it, rationalize it, personalize it
You will avoid any more wounds to your psyche.

I can't help you.

But I can help myself.
I can choose how I respond.
I can try to find the courage
in the still silence of contemplation
to begin to nuture my own imperfections.

I can give them a name........

I can also look inward
to gather remembrance of my goodness too...
the bright light positives
crackling through the wounds.
the gifts I own, which I know I share with others
who see me in a balanced view
who accept me unconditionally
and encourage me to shine with smiling confidence.

It helps.

Weighing the gifts with the imperfections.
Seeing my imperfections as gifts
Seeing myself as a human work in progress.
As you are
As you are.

These thoughts were inspired by a few conversations I have had this week with wonderful strong women who are stumbling a bit as they learn to react differently to the bullies they have to work for.
Sometimes a work week has a theme of sorts. Usually I find this in the interactions I have in my counselling sessions........the same issues are brought forward, or the same illness or family histories are shared with no reason except serendipity. This week, the thematic conversations happened with friends and co-workers who are experiencing similar toxic environments as I have.

The shared experiences have helped us to realize it's up to us to figure it decide how to handle it...but also to applaud ourselves and each other for the gifts we know others are aware of. Its always a blessing to know you're not alone. Its a blessing to become reacquainted with your talents and gifts.


Tori said...

It is absolutely empowering and amazing to know that I am not alone. Dana, tonight the comments that you put on my last post floored me in a completely positive way. It means the world to me that I have you out there as a friend and inspiration. My Jim and I are going to breakfast in the morning and I think we will talk then.
Enjoy your weekend.

Awareness said...

Tori.....enjoy your breakfast. I think you will. Take a few kleenex's :) I'm glad I was able to offer you some support.
keep me posted!!

Shaz said...

Powerfull words indeed.
You blow me away the accuracy of your descriptions and how you put it together. Originally I considered you were speaking of Domestic Violence, that sure covers all aspects of bullying though. love to you sweet friend and as always your comment on my post has me wondering how we would stop talking the day we meet. It will ahppen you know and I cant wait. xx

Barbara (aka Layla) said...

You never cease to amaze me. Very powerful words indeed.

Anonymous Boxer said...

Have a wonderful weekend.


The Harbour of Ourselves said...

my doubts are the only things that make me believe...

wonderful stuff....again

Awareness said...

hey interesting! I read it over and you're right it could easily be a description of domestic violence. I love how that happens.....our interpretations and perceptions impact what we are reading. doubt we would be vying for airtime, you and I! It just may happen too.

I have often thought about how interesting it would be to arrange for a bunch of bloggers to meet for a weekend.......would it be how we imagine? I think so.

Hey Layla.....thank you. Good to see you :)

Anon......back at you!

Paul...maybe that's what they are for. Makes me think God has a sense of humour, throwing us into a pit of doubt every now and then and letting us wallow in the muck. Kind of reminds me of a Monty Python skit.

Or.......remember in "It's a Wonderful Life" the saying...."every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings?" Maybe we should look at our doubts as....... "Whenever we are struck with doubts, we know that God is mucking about." heehee

Marja said...

Very inspirational how we can choose to react when we are confronted with the weaknesses we don't like in ourselves. Yes I too think that it is all about self acceptance. That when we accept that we are human we accept that others are. A difficult proces though

Robert said...

wow dana!!!! powerful words challenging words inspirational make you realize so many of us share the same battles in common type words may you continue on recieving all that guides you to write and share and counsel as you do friend for you have many gifts and you touch so many lives in such a good positive way!!! Sure would love to have that get together somehow this side of eternity hehe

Gypsy said...

So you really did drop the f-bomb Dana....I just had to come and see it for myself. You go girl and I applaud you and all the other women out there who take the power back for themselves and handle situations THEIR way.

Dustin said...

Very powerful words, Dana. You do have a way with the English language--the feeling really came through.