breath of kindness

Yesterday I was asked how my previous week had gone. My impulsive response was all negative. I had gone to Prince Edward Island on my own to attend a conference which turned out to be very difficult emotionally.  I was away from family and friends.... away from the supportive people in my life who have been helping me retain my footing and allowing me to lean on them when I've needed to.    

It left me flooded and flailing, unable to sleep. Surrounded by hundreds of people I didn't know, I was lost.  The initial shock I have been living under, which for the most part has jolted me with adrenaline and a protective shield around my confidence had completely disappeared.  Instead, I was raw.  Ironically, the conference was filled with Counsellors and Psychotherapists and I couldn't put my hand up and ask for help. 

Last night, when I was able to settle into a more peaceful silence beyond the busy trappings, I was able to recognize just how rich the week truly was. It encompassed way more than the trip to PEI.  What I have found is that the pace of the days are impossible to keep up with as far as being able to step outside of them and truly weigh all that is happening......... both on the inside and the outside.  Mostly the inside.  I haven't been able to lift above the smoke like you would do when you're not dealing with critical changes to do as the George Eliot quote suggests......

".....pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away.”

.....this is holistically so important isn't it?  Especially now.  I am learning how to do that.  Because, what may seem so emotionally catastrophic while in the midst of it gains rationality when you can step away from the event/moment to recognize the size of it in comparison to the bigger more important things living life offers. 

Once I was able to reflect quietly last night, the innumerable moments which I had allowed to be overshadowed began to lift into sight.  Their lovelights caught my eye and they took precedence over the more wretched moments.  I took the time to see just how blessed I am. The caring loving people in my life, particularly the ones I connected with this week, either face to face over deep conversations, or through email, phone calls are a bouquet of love. 

Of all the gifts I have been provided through the course of this personal experience, the gift of love and compassion from others is so abundantly beautiful.  I couldn't even count how many amazing conversations and connections I have made in the course of these two months.  And they continue...... sharing, revealing, deeply emotional on both sides of the conversations....... it gives me energy.  it feeds my emptiness.  it allows me to do the same for the other person too. 

I'm learning at a deeper level that once you can reach a point where two hearts open up to honest feelings, the eloquence of spiritual kinship glistens like a beautiful bow on the gift.  Dreams, fears, confessions, secrets, hopes, sadness, doubt, ideas, previous learning, tears and joy are all revealed by the stories we have shared.  It puts a very different face on how I had described my week.  

Quickly it altered into a collage of loving faces.......some who live nearby, some who live in other provinces and countries,  and some whom I've never even physically met before but have become close to through my writing.  Beautifully shaped, all shades......... caring eyes.  Lovelights of kindness and concern.... of joy and compassion.

Keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness......... blow the rest away.   When we can sit in the quiet safety, our ability to dwell in kindness..... for self and others........ resonates from within.  Last night, I sought out where I live best, cradled by God's Hands, and with His support, blew away the chaff from the wheat with a heart glowing in kindness again. 

Last week brought heartache and loneliness.  It wrenched memories right out into the open and made me feel raw.  I was forced to recognize that the family vacations we have enjoyed so much in the past are now forever altered..... that friendships we have as a family with other families are now in flux.  I fell into a pit of memories..........good ones, but with a searing nostalgic sadness and I couldn't climb out of there on my own.  It will take time to accept these changes.  I will continue to grieve.  But, I am also learning how to step out of loathing and into gratitude. 

Last night...... certainly helped soften the edges, leaving me with a handful of sifted gifts.  All glistening gems.....

Gratitude offered me solace as well as inspiration to anticipate another week that hopefully will be like my beautiful Saint John river........ surprised by the joy of its meandering unfolding.  Bring it on.  My Dad arrives Wednesday. :)