Friday, May 14, 2010

cargo of emotions.....

There you are, clipping along life's highway thinking you've got it all under control.  Full gas tank, good air flow, the perfect collection of tunes to accompany the beautiful blur of the landscape you're passing on by. The road is yours....... no one else in sight for miles.   Freedom never feels more alive than an open road with yellow dashes of collective anticipation.  Sing away!  Drive on!  Motion forward.....  Life seems so manageable...... so optimistic.

Far away, in the rear view mirror, you see a large lumbering vehicle coming up over the lip of the hill you've just driven along........ gaining ground.

All of a sudden, you're struck by the force of reality, even though you distinctly remember firmly tucking it into the hamper, wedging it between "resolution" and "to be dealt with some other time."  This reality seems to have creeped up from behind without you knowing until its too late, like an oversized transport carrying familiar cargo.  Before you know it, this heavily loaded menace is sitting right on your ass demanding your attention, belching out exhaust stink while gearing down so loudly it drowns out the music and pollutes the airflow. 

Caught again........... and you thought it was going to be a carefree kind of journey.

There's no way to ignore it.  All internal systems move into alert mode.  Emotions rise to flood stage with a rapid force, pushing the adrenaline to kick start a temporary sharpness of the mind.  All you can do is pray that the rancourous vibration of the internal air horn doesn't bellow its shuddering baritone sound. 

Or, you can pull over to let it pass on by............ let the load pass on by.  While you're at it, turn off the car, get out and breathe.  Can you smell the fresh mown grass?  Can you see the clouddrifts.  Can you feel the lowering heartbeat?  Can you hear the voice inside you again remind you that it will pass?  It always does...... But sweet Jesus, it can be so loud and obnoxious and downright frightening while you're sitting in the middle of the cacophony of anxiety. 

ps.  no moving vehicles were tortured while taking this photo.  I was sitting still, as was the truck while we waiting for our turn to be escorted through a construction site on the highway.  He actually waved at me knowing I was taking photos. :)


Kay said...

guess it goes to show that even the things that cause anxiety, show the kindness to smile and wave (as they behead you) ;) I truly do enjoy the smooth sailing part, or maybe just the idea of it... too many dang bumps in the road! haha I like the sentiment here though.

Selma said...

I'm all for letting the load pass on by - for letting everything go. I like a nice smooth road ahead with no one barking at my heels.

Marja said...

Hope soon the reflection in the back mirrow will be just that and you will go full speed towards freedom again
Dana I am always dumstruck when I come here and you throw piece after piece of wonderful writing out here

Twain12 said...

great i was reading it i was thinking pull over and let it pass by and you did !

awareness said...

Kay, way too many bumps on the road! I agree. But, maybe the smooth sailing bits wouldn't be treasured so much if we didn't feel the onslaught of panic? I just wish it was more balanced these days. In time.

Selma..... I have to learn that the bark isn't as bad as the bite.

Marja... thank you. this piece kind of wrote itself when I was sitting in the car looking in my sideview mirror and could only see the grill of the transport lurking behind me. :)

Twain.... It took me a while this time to pull over, but I'm there now.

Gilly said...

Large, lumbering trucks of anxiety sometimes turn out to be smiling things passing by!

awareness said...

Gilly, interesting you mention this. On the way home, I pulled off the highway onto a dirt sideroad to answer a text message from home. As I had my head down trying to see the keys on the cell phone without my glasses, I didn't notice but a guy driving a big dump truck pulled over, got out of his truck and came over to tap on my window. I looked up to see this big handsome man smiling at me. I rolled down the window, and he asked me if I was alright and needed help! How nice! I was completely tickled by his kindness. That's what is like in New Brunswick.