Tuesday, May 04, 2010


I'm in the market for a new pair of wings. As much as I'm attached to the pair I own, it seems like I have to flap them more often to reach a point of take off.

They are comfortably worn lovely wings that have developed a multi-hued sheen over the years.  If you look closely at them you can see phyllo layers of reflections. Peeled back carefully,  the layers tell my story....my journey.  If you look very closely, you can see the tiny nicks and tatters where awareness shimmies through.  Bits of enlightenment too. Perhaps that's also where the air  friction flows, slowing me down, forcing me to use too much energy.

My wings are my legacy, my individual unique fingerprint fabricated  experiencing life and ALL that it has to impart. They started off as tiny gossamer transparent wings fed and nurtured by my parents' unconditional love, by my grandmother who taught me how to explore the nooks and crannies of our neighbourhood by seeking the backroads less travelled, by the mentors who took me under theirs and shared their gifts.

My wings stretched and grew as I did. The transparency began filling in with gorgeous rainbow colours, flashes of sparkle interspersed with earthy foundations.

I was lucky.  They started off strong, and continued to develop resiliency  with every connection I made in my world. Friends, sisters, aunts, uncles, grandparents, teachers, mentors, lovers, kindreds wove threads of confidence into the character of my very own wings as I grew up. And,  with every life experience, magical dust fell onto them.......some which weighed me down, and some which helped me to fly. They have been everywhere with me, carrying me across adventurous fields I sometimes didn't even know existed.  Yes, I've covered miles and miles of memories, captured in the layers and the sheen.

Let me step back and look at them again from another angle.

Wow! LOOK at them! I LOVE their colour!  So unique!  Their weathered  ends are a blends of joy and grief, of happiness, pain and wonder . Ah! the WONDER! Look at those nicks and tatters. I wonder if this is where enlightenment meets grace. Maybe the air filtering through the tears breathes the spirit needed to reach safe habours?  Do you think the nicks and tatters  are simply the chapter headings of my ongoing learning?  I wonder what I would name each chapter? 

New wings.........??? I dunno.  Maybe I'm more attached to these ones than I realized.  Besides,  where does one buy new wings? e-bay?  kijiji?  Should I test fly a few just to see if they boost my energy....my zip?   Do new wings come with training wheels or operating instructions?   What if I purchase them and find out a little while from now that my new wings and I clash? What then? Can I return them?  Do I really need a brand new pair of wings? How environmentally friendly is that?

    hmmmmmmm........ I can't be tossing out a perfectly good set of wings that I have taken a lifetime to polish and buff can I?  They pretty well suit my personality.  But, for some reason I just don't feel like I'm using them to their  potential.  For some reason, they have  curled up ends and the tips are tucked under rather than stretched out. How did that happen?  How did I neglect these wings? 

    Perhaps it's not the wings............perhaps its the need to approach the wind currents from a different angle so that the air flows through the nicks more effectively. Perhaps my wings just need a bit of crazy glue along the edges to help direct them across new fields, and a little bit of some magic dusting from those around me to help along the way.  

    Maybe all that I need to do is readjust these wings of mine, while I step out into the frontier. To learn how to use them differently.  Maybe I can stretch out into new possibilities far more confidently if I can rely on the foundation that brought me thus far. It seems to me they have miles to go and adventures to experience through unchartered territories before they are laid to rest .  Me too.   

    hmmmmm........ now that I look at them from this angle..... I feel like my wings are new again.  Only they seem more special because they have been nurtured by the accumulated stories collected along the way.   I have been blessed to be touched by so many......so many had their hand in creating my wings.  You know? I think I'll keep them and do a little retooling.  I'm not ready to give up all that they represent.  Those old stories threaded through the fabric of these wings are too important to toss out.  

    Do you think they will help me soar right into the wilderness?  I hope so, because that's my preferred destination.  


    Barbara said...

    You have the most beautiful pair of wings I have ever seen and they will take you wherever you want to go. Don't trade them in! They have helped me learn to fly a bit myself.

    awareness said...

    Layla, you're a sweetie! Thank you. Just going to readjust them a bit for soaring purposes. ;)

    Rainbow dreams said...

    sometimes wings just need fresh currents of air to rid them of any cobwebs - a spring clean in preparation for any future adventures - fly onwards and upwards Dana :)

    awareness said...

    thanks Katie.... I'm looking forward to the new adventures. Really good things are happening, and I will write about them too. Hilarious things as well. I just can't seem to find the time to write about them.

    Anonymous said...

    your words are like warm oil over my dry soul. I have read three posts and I can't even find the words to express myself right now. I've spent weeks in the land of doubt. Doubting everything...my faith, my motives, my abilities, the motives of others. It's a lonely and terrifying place to be. But I know that sometimes it's where I have to go.

    But dear God, it feels good to know that you are here...there....finding wonder. I guess what I'm saying is that if you are believing in you, and seeing the wonder that I will, too, eventually.

    I remember a time in my life when I completely doubted the existence of God...or even anything good. I asked my mother, "Do you feel Him?"


    That's all I needed to hear.

    awareness said...

    Jen, I'm glad to see you back. I was worried when your blog went missing! Bring it back!! I love reading your blog, seeing your photos, and listening to your music choices. I can keep an eye on you too! I can't keep an eye on you when you don't have your site up. :)
    My sense of wonder and belief have really taken some major kicks of late. I think that i've wrestled down the demons only to be bit in the arse again. It is really tough, this life journey thing. The nasties thrown our way can truly take the wind right out of you. The level of anxiety I've been feeling this week has been intense, and I was away from my supports. It didn't help at all.
    Throughout my own struggles, I have been so surprised at how my faith has strengthened. For years, I scoffed at God and religion. Now I kind of see it as a process I had to go through.....this relationship with God..... like i was sent out into the margins to gather stories and to live through doubt.
    Faith is a verb. WE live it daily whether we know it or want to. If we uphold the values and the lessons our families instilled, we are living faith. Even when we don't think we believe in God, we are an extension of Him.
    keep in touch will you??