Thursday, March 20, 2008

restless abandonment

Why have you forsaken me?

The sound of a hollow bell tolls in the mourning spot left vacant from being forgotten. A sparse fragility forms like ice over a weeping heart as the message peels away one layer of skin at a time. It leaves a raw wounded human being alone and unable to see beyond their own brokenness. Disconnected, unloved...........unable to find trusting love.

"I don't care about what happens to you,"spoken in loud bitter actions, tones of dismissal, unresponsive denials. Heard with sensitive transparency
found in the hesitation between the chosen words.......

"You don't matter."

"I won't protect you."

"You're lying. He wouldn't do that to you."

"You deserved it.....deserved it......deserved it......."

Inescapable hollowness seeps into the vacant place leaving shards of abandonment in the dark alley where loneliness prevails. Unloved pools of tears accumulate leaving an internal drowning in sin. Does it matter? Do I matter? The inner voice repeats over and over......."why have you forsaken me?" "Do you love me?" "Can't you protect me?"

"Do what you want," says the Protector, self absorbed in her own life traumas.

Words in response drip out of the vacant place..... no one cares, no one can be trusted, no one believes I matter. "I am a nobody. I have been forsaken."

A mindfield of tormented discord strangles mercy. Ice grows thicker around the weeping heart, leaving more desperation to feel something other than the pain. Each step alone mimics the hollow tolling............

Left on the front step of an empty home where love never stoops to thaw the discards, he wonders where to turn to find the warmth of someone who will be brave enough to touch his raw open wounds where the layers of skin never form again.

Left in the alley soaked in torn dreams, she rubs her swollen belly in hopes that this unborn will fill the vacant place where unconditional love has never grown before.

Left to their own devices in a sea of self absorbed permissiveness and entitlement, they flounder and flail their adolescent arms as they try to grab hold of a life raft.

Left after years of pounding storms of abuse, barely alive and washed up on the shore, he tastes the salt on his lips and remembers a time when he was able to trust someone. Was it ever real?

Who will stop the hollow lament?


Dustin said...

Wow, I'm blown away. The picture, by the way, makes the post even stronger.

Baby-Sweet-Pea said...

Wow is right. I too was blown away by this post. Very deep.

Awareness said...

Dustin, thank you! I took the photo a while ago, and have been waiting to use it. I want to share with you......when I posted this piece this morning after a frustrating evening of losing half of what I had originally written (how ironic is that?? I was dismissed by blogger while writing a piece on being dismissed??) my first thought was that I had hoped you drop by today to read it. Happy Easter.....I promise to write about miracles or something allelujah-like on the weekend. :)

Baby sweet pea....A few of the lines in the piece found me as I was driving back to my office yesterday afternoon which I actually pulled over to the side of the road to write down so I wouldn't forget! But, the theme of abandonment has been haunting me for the past couple of weeks, mostly because of the conversations I have found myself involved in. It's shocking how many lonely broken people are out there.
when I write a piece like this, I find it tremendously cathartic and satisfying. Writing is a venue where we can safely and more acceptably channel our darker side of FEEL those past hurts and wounds. I believe every time we take the time to do this, our understanding and awareness does our courage to accept these parts of who we are.

Disillusioned said...

Oh, yes.


Powerful writing.

Rainbow dreams said...

very powerful, and appropriate for today... real human feelings

paris parfait said...

Brilliant post, Dana. Very poignant. xo

Awareness said...

Caroline....thank you. Happy Easter to you.'s exactly what i was thinking when the words began forming. My thoughts and experiences over the past couple of weeks seemed to dovetail with Easter week.

Tara. Thank you. I had it formatted differently yesterday when I originally posted it. A friend gave me some helpful feedback on tightening it up and simplifying it. I look at it now, and am pleased with it.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

This is like a Sermon one might here in a House Of Worship, Dana...Beautifully written, my dear, and so very very true, I am sorry to say.

Awareness said...

Naomi....thank you.

Open Grove Claudia said...

I am very moved by your thoughts. The words resonate with my own experience and much of what I've been thinking about lately. I wish I could express them as well! :)