A sweet voice

I met a woman over a year ago who was referred to me because she was looking for work, but was dealing with various mental health barriers. She had a strong fear of leaving her apartment and it was verging on agoraphobia. She had told the Case Manager stories of stalkers and threats, but presented her issues to the Case Manager in a way that seemed like the stalking stories weren't based in reality. When stories get a bit dicey and verge on delusional, I am often asked to meet with the person.

At the same time as our meeting, I had just written a piece on trying to understand what "grace" meant to me which had really helped form my own definition. It was published on the local CBC website as part of a series they were doing on "finding faith." I posted it on my blog as well. So, it was a fresh piece of important learning for me when this woman walked into my office.

I don't know what happened the moment we met, but I honestly knew then that our connection was special, that I was sharing my office space with a very spiritual woman. She was full of innocence and yet had experienced recent loss, fear and despair which had put her in a personal tailspin. To describe her as ethereal makes her sound otherworldly but she did have that essence to her. She had a dazzling smile and big warm brown eyes. Dressed like a gypsy with a little funky flair, her presence illuminated my office with her beauty.

We talked for over 2 hours...........our conversation covered so many topics.........it was like we both wanted to touch on them ALL! She told me her story............of the stalker, of having to move many times within the city, of having to quit her job.........of losing her mother whom she believed was the only person who ever understood her and of being misunderstood by the rest of her family. She shared her dreams of recording her music, of following through on her entrepreneurial ideas. She spoke of God and of looking for grace everyday. She also disclosed that every night she talked to her mom, and that sometimes her mom sent her messages. I wholeheartedly believed her.

It wasn't a one-sided conversation................I shared as well...........about my family, my desire to write, and my recent understanding of what grace meant and of how I had just written about it. When she asked for a copy, I printed it off at the end of our meeting.

Two people who shared a couple of hours that turned out to be memorably special. There was nothing wrong with this woman that time and support wouldn't help heal........ I asked her to keep in touch with me as she continued on her journey.

The next day, she called me in tears..........................to tell me how much she enjoyed my grace article and how much it meant to her that I shared it with her...............she left me in tears...............I was so touched.

Every now and then a voice message would be left...........to keep me up to date as she found work, and found a band who would help her record her music........... We never met face to face again. Her life had taken her off social assistance and she was doing a bit better. Still not at a point where she was fulfilling her dream of singing again in a public venue, but close to it. Though it had been a while since I had heard her cheery voice, I often thought of her......wondering if I would bump into her one day. It's never happened.

Today..........I arrived back to my office after being away for 2 1/2 weeks. Sitting on my keyboard was a small envelope. In it was a card..............with a picture of a beautiful ethereal woman on the front.................with a dazzling smile and warm brown eyes. Her picture from her music portfolio.

Inside I found the words:

"I'm noticing 'grace' everyday. Thanks to you. Don't forget about me. Keep a look out in the news!!"

How can life be any sweeter than that?

My new motto.........

A strong successful person resists being a victim of her own environment. It is up to her to create the favourable conditions with which to thrive, to be productive and to make a difference. Positive energy unleashed feeds imagination, nurtures creativity, enhances relationships and offers opportunities not yet known. Positive energy focuses on hope, and puts you in the driver's seat.

Time to turn on the ignition, and look out for that signpost with the splashy multi-coloured word "destiny" on it.............................. let the story of 2007 begin.

Off to work I go...........at a "level 5 capacity"

here's to new revelations and open expression

first photos with new camera......

Well......................here are a few shots taken in my neighbourhood.
It truly is God's country.

This is the view I have from my livingroom.
Early December morning...
Sunrise over the Saint John River off my back deck.
This is my very first digital photo EVER.

Also from my back deck looking down at the river where the ice was forming.
Taken on New Year's Eve Day.

Even doggies enjoy the vista!
This is Lily looking upriver.
Actually, she was really looking for a tasty squirrel.
Taken off Springhill Road, just up the hill from my home

Full moon................seems like it's suspendedly floating.
Also taken from my back deck.
I froze my tush off taking this one.

Today has been spent learning new techie things...... which I'm not very good at. I blame it on being left handed. I may be in my right mind, but left handedness truly makes it difficult to follow techie directions. Honestly! But, I think I've mastered a few new skills......connecting my camera to the computer and downloading the pics AND burning a CD with a whole bunch of wonderful songs.......all Canadian too! Beautiful music I will share..........

Yes! I'm finally entering into this millenium. Late but earnest......... and excited too.

fav pic

My Favourite photo of the Christmas season!
Beautiful Sophia belting out a Christmas Carol.
She is a spitfire who loves to entertain.
Sophia melts my heart.
I love having her in my life.

sweet lingering kisses.........

Though I have checked out Sunday Scribblings many times before and was intrigued by the topics, for some reason I never followed through. I guess I needed the topic to be deliciously kissy to give it a swirl..................... ah.................those first kisses......................that make you scramble back for more...........that make your toes curl.

One desired tender kiss
one moment of soul sighing surrender
absorbed in musical meaning
the dance of two
beyond reason
beyond care
a split second delicious moment of oblivion
suspended from reality.

One stolen knowing kiss
wanting lips warmed in anticipation
sancitified in affectionate caring
the joining of two
beyond time
beyond fantasy
a tearful breath catching moment of love
lingered in memory.

One peppermint tinted kiss
one moment separated from all else
panged in departing sorrow
captured in impulsive passionate love
beyond hope
beyond wishes
a silent unspeakable embrace
blissed in flight.

Ashley, a pillow angel.

Yesterday, the Globe and Mail published an article about a little girl named Ashley whose cognitive and physical development halted at 3 months of age. Incapable of sitting up on her own she has no means of independent mobility. Non-verbal and incapable of expressing herself beyond crying and smiling, and incapable of feeding herself or eating by being spoon fed (she is tube fed) this little one is totally dependent on her family and caregivers for all basic needs, stimulation, interactions, well being. Ashley cannot turn her head alone, nor can she move her body position without intervention. Her family call her their pillow angel.

When Ashley was 6 years old, after many tests were completed to try to determine the reason behind the completed halt of development only to indicate that there was no apparent reason, after accepting the reality that Ashley would never develop beyond a 3 month old, and after recognizing that she was showing signs of early onset puberty, her parents, supported by their medical team decided to find a way to enhance and protect Ashley's quality of life. They decided to try a series of procedures which would keep Ashley small. These procedures included a complete hysterectomy, removal of her breast buds and growth attenuation through extensive hormone therapy.

My initial reaction to this story came directly from my gut. It smacked of something sinister........tampering with nature...............it seemed invasively drastic and just plain wrong. The interventions decided for Ashley initially seemed self-serving and by so doing the fuzzy ethical line was crossed. Peter Pan came to mind...never growing up........ tug, tug tug at my conscience....... the story remained with me all day and night.

It also brought back many many faces of children I used to work with in a rehabilitation centre in Toronto years ago, who like Ashley were "pillow angels." It seems like a previous life now, but way back then, I developed a "Child Life" sensory stimulation program and worked directly with children who were as multi-handicapped as Ashley. Everyday for 2 years, it was just me and them figuring it out while they stayed at the rehab centre to have other needs met, often included post invasive surgery rehab. Physical growth is painful for kids like Ashley........tendons and spasms, twisted bone development are just a few complications....bed sores, excess weight etc impact the daily hygeine of these kids. Their care and quality of life was affected greatly by their size and their complete dependence on the staff at the centre and their parents. I started to remember the many conversations I had with parents who for the first 10 years of their children's lives were their primary caregivers...... after that, their children became too big physically for them to remain home. It was torturous emotionally for some of these family to make the decision to place their children in foster homes or group homes.....


I started remembering.................................. and decided to read this family's personal story...... the question I had in my mind was:

What does it feel like to be you??

An excerpt from the family's website: I highly recommend visiting the site.

The “Ashley Treatment” is the name we have given to a collection of medical procedures for the improvement of Ashley’s quality of life. The treatment includes growth attenuation through high-dose estrogen therapy, hysterectomy to eliminate the menstrual cycle and associated discomfort to Ashley, and breast bud removal to avoid the development of large breasts and the associated discomfort to Ashley. We pursued this treatment after much thought, research, and discussions with doctors.

Nearly three years after we started this process, and after the treatment was published in October, 2006 by Dr. Gunther and Dr. Diekema in a medical journal¹ that resulted in an extensive and worldwide coverage by the press^{[2, 3, 6]} and a broad public discussion⁴, we decided to share our thoughts and experience for two purposes: first, to help families who might bring similar benefits to their bedridden “Pillow Angels”; second, to address some misconceptions about the treatment and our motives for undertaking it.

A fundamental and universal misconception about the treatment is that it is intended to convenience the caregiver; rather, the central purpose is to improve Ashley’s quality of life. Ashley’s biggest challenges are discomfort and boredom; all other considerations in this discussion take a back seat to these central challenges. The “Ashley Treatment” goes right to the heart of these challenges and we strongly believe that it will mitigate them in a significant way and provide Ashley with lifelong benefits.

Unlike what most people thought, the decision to pursue the “Ashley Treatment” was not a difficult one. Ashley will be a lot more physically comfortable free of menstrual cramps, free of the discomfort associated with large and fully-developed breasts, and with a smaller, lighter body that is better suited to constant lying down and is easier to be moved around.

Ashley’s smaller and lighter size makes it more possible to include her in the typical family life and activities that provide her with needed comfort, closeness, security and love: meal time, car trips, touch, snuggles, etc. Typically, when awake, babies are in the same room as other family members, the sights and sounds of family life engaging the baby’s attention, entertaining the baby. Likewise, Ashley has all of a baby’s needs, including being entertained and engaged, and she calms at the sounds of family voices. Furthermore, given Ashley’s mental age a nine and a half year old body is more appropriate and more dignified than a fully grown female body.

These ethical stories generate debate and often quick judgements from people not directly involved. They tug at our values and force us to re-evaluate our way of thinking about a situation. I have no doubt this family genuinely loves and cares for their daughter. Because of the medical interventions, they will be able to continue providing for her. More importantly, Ashley will be relieved of a great deal of pain and discomfort.

What is it like to be YOU?

What would I do if I was faced with such a dilemma? Anything and everything to ensure the comfort and health of my child to the very best of my ability. No question.

"He had compassion"

Is compassion a feeling or a behaviour? When we say we are feeling compassion, are we not describing deeply felt empathy and love which in turn propels us to act compassionately? Maybe there are more ingredients involved that hold the power to open up the heart to act compassionately. I want to know what all the ingredients are.

The Good Samaritan "had compassion." He responded to the wounded person on the side of the road by dressing his wounds, carrying him to an inn and paying the innkeeper to care for him. He saw another person in distress. With no hesitation, he showed compassion and mercy to a stranger. His behaviour was stirred with love felt care.

Compassion is the great equalizer. Genuine love and empathy erase the judgement which may affect how we act compassionately towards someone in need. It sometimes suspends the fear we may have of a situation.......or our quick self assessments we tend to fall into, of whether or not we are capable of helping or whether or not we want to.......... heartfelt love and empathy propel us forward without judgement, without fear of failing, without second guessing the act of compassion. Sometimes its such a split second action we don't even have time to think about it until afterwards.

Often when you read a story in the news about a person who rescues someone after an accident or from a fire, the rescuer begins their description of the scenario with a revelation similar to............ "I didn't even think about it. I just did it...........I knew they needed my help, so I jumped in..........."

I often wonder if I would jump in without hesitating....... could I suspend my own fears for the sake of another if I was to come upon an accident? I don't know. I've never been tested that way. I hope I would be able to. These are the stories which grab the headlines in our newspapers......the heroic acts that go beyond our daily lives which hold our attention, which are held up as examples of "good samaritanism." Wonderful uplifting stories we tell our children............... but I believe we also need to remember that most acts of compassion are not filed as a news story. Most acts of compassion are shown only between the two people involved in the interaction during the course of a regular day.

Passing flickers, but deeply felt by the people involved.

This parable has been in my thoughts all week as I prepare to return to work. It has been fed by many short but revealing discussions I have had with my children particularly my 13 year old daughter who I swear was born with insight and compassion for others.............once her 2nd grade teacher told me that Martha was her second set of eyes in the classroom. If the teacher was busy and there was a child upset or in need, she would see Martha quietly go over to her classmate......sometimes just sitting with them until the teacher could attend to the issue. She has always been hyper-sensitive to other's needs. This autumn, she organized a couple of fund raisers at her school to raise money for the local community kitchen. Altogether, the group made close to $500.00. This story actually made the local newspaper, quoting Martha stating, "Volunteering in the community makes you feel good about yourself while you are helping others."

Then, she convinced 3 of her friends to bake goodies to sell at lunch to raise money for World Vision. They made enough to "purchase" three fruit trees. When I asked her why she chose the three tress and not an animal of some kind........her response was......
"The trees will grow and provide food for a longer period of time for the families." Good logic. Compassionate heart blossoming................... and it makes me very proud of her.

As parents, my husband and I have fed our children stories about helping others, and we try to model this as community members. My husband volunteers at the community kitchen, so the kids know more about the place than others. I often will tell them about a person whom I had met that day and a little bit about their struggles. They too bring stories home from their school days which feed the discussions...............ranging from what makes someone become a bully to keeping an eye out for the ones who are bullied. This feeds the lesson...............but I do believe that the desire for more insight into people is an inherent thing too.

Can you teach the act of compassion? You can feed it.................you can offer up food for thought but like any training.............you can't make anyone eat if they aren't openly hungry for it. Teachable moments...........opportunities to share outside of a formal learning environment.....modelling the behaviour so a person can SEE it in action.............all contribute.

One of my challenging tasks this year will be to develop training for the frontline workers who deal in the area of public housing..................maintenance guys, housing placement staff, landlords.......all of whom have never been involved in this type of training.........some of whom have years and years of work experience in the field which is wonderful to draw from as a facilitator, but is a HUGE barrier to overcome. Judgement, reinforced beliefs, opinions about the clientele have built up big walls between the frontline person and the client. Oh, then there's the picture they have of me...................yeah............BELIEVE it or not, but some slap the "bleeding heart" label on my back and consider me a flighty flakey do-gooder. Yeah...........I've heard it all before............the labels don't bother me.

So.........my conversations with my family.........my conversations with my daughter have helped me dissect the act of compassion in order to be able to see it as a behaviour.......in order to understand a little better the feelings behind the action........all beneficial learning. So will developing and then facilitating the training to a group.........with many dynamics and many challenges.

It's what I love to do!!!

Can compassion be taught? Is it possible to provide training which can alter the manner with which a person treats another...............we'll see............................... My first task next week is to arrange to meet with a variety of these frontliners one on one to learn their perspectives, to get a flavour of their personalities and to begin to dispel the flakey label by sharing different parts of where I come from..............and what I can offer.................oh, and possibly plant some seeds by telling a few stories of the people I have met along the way...................

Gee...................I'm starting to look forward to returning to work.............. :) Doubts are fading!

curiosity followed.................

Cape D'or Sunrise, Advocate Harbour, Nova Scotia

The relationship between commitment and doubt is by no means an antagonistic one. Commitment is healthiest when it is not without doubt but in spite of doubt.

Rollo May

Are we not more fired up to tackle new learning when a streak of will is lit inside? Often the streak is lit simply by the self-determination of overcoming that perceived big bully named doubt. It can provide focus.............a sighted goal...........commitment reinforced. It generates the self-talk which in turn activates the courage to let go of certainties. It allows curiosity feed our learning.

"I'll show you doubt! I'm commited NOW!"

Tell me I can't do something, then get out of the way.

However, there is a tipping point, different for each and every one of us, when doubt can start nibbling at our confidence. Like everything in life it seems, one has to have just the right mixture to be spurred on. Too many knockdowns.............too many times trying and not succeeding and doubt begins to win. Self-talk inflamed by self-doubt makes one grasp for the certainty of solid ground........

How does one find the teaspoon of doubt to light our will? It is found every early morning lifting over the horizon, in a brand new day of hope.

crazed..................Canucks

"Hello out there, were on the air
it's hockey night tonight!
tension grows,
as the whistle blows,
and the puck goes down the ice.
The goalie jumps,
and the players bump,
and the fans all go insane.
Someone roars:
"Bobby Scores!"
At the good old hockey game!

Oh! The good old hockey game,
It's the best game you can name
And the best game you can name
Is the good old hockey game."

Written and sung off key by Stoppin' Tom Connors

The true Canadian anthem.......learned early and sung with heart at all NHL games between periods.......... the first song my kids learned. Mine? "Take me out to the ballgame, but that's another post..............I'll wait til spring training kicks in to write that one.........

Last night, as a family we watched on TV the ceremony being held at Joe Louis Arena where they retired Steve Yzerman's #19 jersey. Never to be worn again by a Redwing. It was an hour + long (uninterupted by commercials) emotional tribute of speeches, video and rockin' music........a dedication to a hockey player who played his heart out for one team for 23 years. There were several touching moments.......... when they announced Gordie Howe's name (Mr. Hockey) and he walked out onto the red carpet...........when they initially announced Stevie Y and his family who seemed overwhelmed by the crazed ovation.............but the most poignant moment besides Yzerman's own humbling speech, was when two men wearing white gloves carried out the allusive grandprize of them all...........the the glistening silver Stanley Cup trophy. The crowd went wild!! Tears flowed in the crowd. Honest to God! Only in Canada.

WE live large in this household! What's important to know is that MANY other hockey crazed Canadians were watching too. I guarantee it. Why? Because Hockey Night in Canada is as close to a shared religion as you will find in this country. Hockey is the glue that binds. Ask any Canuck over 40, where they were when Henderson scored the goal in 1972? You don't even have to mention the game or the series.......it's etched in the psyche of the nation. They can tell you in expansive details where they watched the last game of this particular Canada/Russia series, how they felt about the whole series, who they were with watching it............heck they probably could quote Phil Esposito's emotional quote before the big game. Hockey is a passion.

This is a Toronto Maple Leafs home. It doesn't matter that we have seen dark times with this team. It doesn't matter (well it does in a big way) that we havent brought the Cup "home" since 1967.................this family remains dedicated. No other team counts. No other team is allowed to count. It's a family rule. In fact, the term "axis of evil" means something very different in my house............. The axis of evil includes the Montreal Canadiens, New Jersey Devils and the Ottawa Senators........... always a great showdown when the Leafs are up against any of these enemy teams.

Saturday night, the real Hockey Night in Canada in Hockeytown is always something to look forward to. So, what is it about this game that sends the majority of Canucks into a frenzied passion? The answers would depend on who you asked. For me, there is a tie to my childhood when I watched and learned the game sitting with my Dad eating popcorn. Like he did with the intricasies of the game of baseball, he taught me the ins and outs of the national sport. I was an eager understudy and learned to keep my zillion questions until the commercials were on so as not to disturb the flow!

The sentiments for most revolve around the same scenario.......as well as the game itself, which is fast paced, passionate and hard hitting. To watch someone like Wayne Gretzky or now Sydney Crosby take the puck and float through the other team's menacing defence like a ballet is pure poetry. Yeah, I know there are some who don't get it........some who scoff at the whole idea that hockey is nothing more than a big brawl with a puck attached to it. There are many hockey "widows" out there who shake their heads and wonder why the "boys" are all a tingly over such a game. Then, there are the primal shouting hockey moms who embarrass the heck out of their kid who is playing peewee in the wee hours of the morning in some small town cold rink, who live for the game.

Every small town..........every small community in this country has an ice arena. It is where the action is all winter long. It is where hockey moms and dads, lovers of the game, friends, family, and even puck bunnies hang out. Many books have been written about how these rinks tie small towns and large cities together..........

Hockey definately has the capacity to bring out the passionate beast in people.................like any sport one has a passion about. In fact, I honestly believe that if the Liberals had any wits about them, they would've voted in the infamous goaltender Ken Dryden as their next leader. It wouldn't have matter what he had to say about policies and other wonky political issues, the nation would've voted for him. He would've won by a landslide...............because he's a hockey hero.........he's a household name across this vast and crazed country. Ken Dryden would've been the biggest threat to Stephen Harper's government, even though he played for the Canadiens.

So.................if you want to find me on most Saturday nights during the long cold winter, I will most likely be parked on the couch watching the Leafs play......... cheering them on and wondering what Don Cherry has to say about the state of the nation during Coaches Corner between the first and second periods............ and hoping that this year, Stanley is returned to it's rightful spot...............in the home of the Toronto Maple Leafs.


"Sundin takes the puck at the blue line, dekes around the defence, lines it up.............oh a shattering slapshot.............he shoots.....................he scores! Sundin scores.............the fans are on their feet cheering their Captain!" Yeah!

disarming.....

Just one more war, we will find peace.

Just one more war, we will conquer evil.

Just one more war, we will eradicate hatred.

One more

One more..............

One more......................

Just one more evil person swinging from a noose.............

Is the world a better place today now that Hussein is dead?

Who's next?

What's next?

Is it not time to try out a new plan?

"If we could read the secret history of our enemies,
we should find in each man's
life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility"

longfellow

integration of achievements

"Only when we see ourselves in our true human context, as members of a race which is intended to be one organism and ‘one body,’ will we begin to understand the positive importance not only of the successes but of the failures and accidents in our lives. My successes are not my own. The way to them was prepared by others. The fruit of my labors is not my own: for I am preparing the way for the achievements of another. Nor are my failures my own. They may spring from failure of another, but they are also compensated for by another’s achievement. Therefore the meaning of my life is not to be looked for merely in the sum total of my own achievements. It is seen only in the complete integration of my achievements and failures with the achievements and failures of my own generation, and society, and time."

Thomas Merton from No Man is an Island

a small beacon of light

In the darkness
a small lit lantern held high on a hill
by one human being
glowing warmth
swaying slowly
diffused light
reaching points beyond the crest
beyond the human being who holds the lantern
touching us, this beacon of light.

We are drawn to light, especially when we feel lost in some wintery darkness shrouded with doubt. Always in search of it's calming velvety rays to lead us to some sort of serenity and peace of mind..................some guidance and leadership to provide answers.

We wait in anticipation
the light will reach us
someone has the answer
someone can take the doubt and pain away

Wake up a smell the coffee. Then go out and buy some kerosene, clean the glass globe and light the wick. Time to diffuse some light. Time to be a beacon. If we are to live like "God is one of us" we have to learn to all be small beacons of light....for ourselves to find our own way and for others who don't have fuel.

• 600 million +++ children live in poverty........some live down the street from you.
• Countless people are homeless around the world and in our hometowns........do you know any of them by name?
• Child labour still runs rampant in many parts of the world.

We can't simply rely on the identified leaders of our day.......the ones we hear in the 15 second sound bites on the National news..............to rectify all of the issues while we sit on the sidelines uninvolved, carping about their ineffectiveness. Just like we can't wait for someone to come forward with illumination for our own personal demons. We must become more active. We must shed the apathy now..........................be doers.

As I look forward towards this new year, I find myself overwhelmed by the obvious doom and gloom of our planet, so much so that it temporarily paralyzes me................where to start the triage? It's mind boggling to think of all the issues of the day. So, I try to use the lantern as a symbol of how I can be a part of a solution. I can start with the people around me. I can start in my community. I can encourage others to light their lanterns..............to broaden the spectrum of light. It's the only way.

The generosity during the Christmas season is amazing.................what about when February rolls around? What then? People still live in poverty. People still line up a soup kitchens and shelters or go hungry and cold all over the world.......in February.

So...................what can we do? Volunteer an hour of our time a week at a soup kitchen. Get involved in the next election. Sign up to teach an adult how to read. Go sit with a senior citizen without familial support in the hospital. Stop and talk with a panhandler.......you'll be amazed what you learn. Contact the YMCA, Transition House, Group home, literacy centre, Boys and Girls Club....................and let them know you have a light you want to shine. Join Amnesty International, Sponsor a child through World Vision or any number of Aid organizations. The possibilities are ripe and endless.........................and empowering and life enhancing............

In the darkness
a small lit lantern held high on a hill
by one human being
glowing warmth
swaying slowly
diffused light
reaching points beyond the crest
beyond the human being who holds the lantern
touching us, this beacon of light.
The human being is YOU.
The human being is ME.

This is my goal this year........................to be more involved..................in the solutions. Race you to the top of the hill!

On your mark, get set..................................GO!

a little fluff in the navel..................

The last day of the year............the last Sunday of the year. It leaves me bewildered as to how all of a sudden another one has tumbled by. 2007? Does that not sound futuristic? Ah.........it's just a number.

For many, Christmas is nerve jangling. I find New Year's Eve more rattling, and completely overblown. I could never get my head around the idea of donning my party dress and heading out to a ballroom to listen to some local band, and to merrily toast in a new beginning. It still seems so phoney to me............all kissy kissy with strangers. ick.

My idea of ringing in the new year has to include a time to navel gaze..............a backcrawl swim through the past 12 months, with a bit of floaty ruminating time on the blow up mattress sipping umbrella drinks..........it helps clean out the fluff in the navel.

Another way of looking at it? A closet cleaning that produces three piles........toss, keep and sell at the spring garage sale. Either way......................a recognition of life lived in 2006.

Since its not the time of year in this part of the world to take a floaty ride down the river in one's bathing suit, instead, I bundled up in layers of fleece, pulled on my big parka and new red boots, called for the dog and headed up to the fields near my home to go for a bracing walk. Blustery, wind sweeping, head clearing..........................BEAUTIFUL SUNNY Sunday walk up the hill to enjoy the sweeping vista of the river valley.

(I took my new camera and will try to post some photos later when I learn how to do it......some are stunning!!!)

I often find that when I'm out for a brisk walk, music fills my head like a soundtrack to my thoughts. When I left initially, my thoughts were embraced by the song on Pip's blog........ What if God was one of us? ..........a hauntingly beautiful song which admittedly has been with me the first moment I heard it........Yeah, yeah, God is good............ As I continued up the hill, the music changed and I found the wind bringing a choral orchestra of hallelujah joyous music harmoniously sung from the heart of a cathedral. I did, I really did hear it........................

And I thought.........................why this music? What does it tell me.................how does it fit with my ruminations and navel gazing? It does I realized, because I have shed off the layers of fatigue and frustrations of 2006 and have been left with the sweet clotted cream to savour. Blessings. My week of being home surrounded by my family and my friends, enjoying the time of year together have shored me up and have allowed me to shed the fluff in the navel.

Clarity, energy, hope, renewal, gratitude, humility, grace.

It has left me with with clear pictures of thanksgiving, and one word which could sum it up thematically...................connections. I can't capture all of the moments special to me this year, so I will try to deliver a few snapshots triggered spontaneously as I write.

A warm sunny blustery day on Prince Edward Island when the waves were strong and high enough to body surf with glee. 3 families and our dog............a weekend reunion which only happens one time a year............ this one was particularly memorable.

Canada Day night in Spencer's Island Nova Scotia sitting up on a cliff overlooking the Bay of Fundy with good friends around a bonfire.........clear starry summer sky, tidal breezes................down below a small group of camper trailers enjoying their own bonfires........... when all of a sudden, we are treated to a fireworks display, which is more impressive than any formally orchestrated event. Loved it!!

Last May, I walked into a foyer of a non-descript hotel nervous about attending a camp reunion. Wondering if my mega high expectations will ever be met, wondering how I will find my dearest friend from camp. Not a second slips by before I hear my name yelled out..................."Muskie! I need your help!! They have screwed up my reservation!" The voice was SOOOOOOOO familiar and the request for help, well...................familiar too.....................so much so that I didn't realize how quickly I jumped back into my role all the while hugging and crying with my friend whom I hadn't set eyes on in over 20 years. We hadn't even spoken. It was the beginning of a serendipitously delicious weekend of joy in all it's elements.

Connections.........................with my colleagues and clients, with family near and far, with friends new and old, with my community, with my husband and children............connections.

This year, my connections reached far and wide around the globe all because of a little thing called the internet (many thanks to Al Gore........such a genius).

From Melbourne (hi Monk who's already living in 2007) to London (hugs to you Pip, you gem) to California (Hey Mike, Barbara and Layla) to Georgia (where are you Ellen? Hi there Arlen) to Kingston (Daisy! Can you put a tune to my song from yesterday?) to Oregon (Deborah, love your poetry) to Paris (Tara.........your photos amaze me) to Montreal (K, my political/baseball friend) and to an island I want to visit, Guernsey (Katie, you dancing to Sinatra? Paul, I miss you.........where are you?) and of course downriver, with a quick stop in Burton and .................all the way to the Bay of Fundy (Hey CS.) ................. and all stops in between.....................AMAZING!!!!! To think I didn't know any of you this time last year. Your thoughts and comments and emails have been the most wonderful boost, the most fabulous gifts a writer could ever ask for.

Oh.................and my local blog buds..........Sunny, Mr. Mad Mac with a romantic heart (who knew?), and a Princess who is out there caring like mad. Sometimes you're just across the street, sometimes it feels like the street is a mile wide, but I always feel connected to you through the blogosphere.......................how crazy is that?? :)

What if God was one of us?

Just a slob like one of us..................trying to make his way home................... like a holy rolling stone.........................yeah, yeah


Happy New Year...................... time to pour some pink bubbly..........I love champagne. Time to kick in the new year with some guitar riffs and dancing tunes........................and a whole lot of love. Think I'll don my sexy little black dress and whoop it up..............yeah.

Sing it loudly!

late night soft shoe.......

This came to me while making dinner tonight. Anyone care to put pick up a guitar and put music to my words???

Dance when you care to
Ask me to join you
Teach me your song
Swirl me along
I will step with you

Cry if you need to
I will shelter you
Shed learning tears
Without any fears
I'll shed a few too

Drive when you feel to
All night long through
Take the long way
Til dawn shows her way
I will be there too.

Pray when it moves you
Turn around your blues
Let God declare
He meaningfully cares
His deeply loves you

Love when you crave to
I'm there to receive you
Shared song in our hearts
We'll never part
I'm here to embrace you.

Shout when you fear to
Rage out your heart blues
Don't hold it in
I know where you've been
You've nothing to lose.

Dance when you care to
Ask me to join you
Teach me your song
We'll dance all night long
Sharing a soft shoe.


I feel like a slow dance................................

attachment

“We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit.”

ee cummings

I was wondering lately about the concept of attachment. It seems that most of what I've read rings with negative vibes. If one attaches to iconic beliefs, one sees the world through a myopic filter. In order to find self, one has to detach. To many, it seems that the idea of attachment reflects a leech-like one sided existance......of dependence and blindness.....of selfish need fulfillment. This surprised me. I hadn't looked at the meaning of attachment in this way. Rather, my thoughts led me in the opposite direction.

Sure, we become attached to material possessions. How many times do we say or hear......" I can't live without my....................." Yes, we can easily become dependent on a belief system that lacks the fluid opportunities to question and challenge it. It's easier to swallow a message from the Bible whole rather than find the confidence to boldly question it. Relationships too can become one-sided, when needs of one consistently far outweigh the needs of another or when one person in the relationship displays control tactics in a power play. We all struggle with these unhealthy attachments as we figure out a way to balance and fairness. It's all part of life's learning....life's journey.

I want to look at attachment in a healthier sense because to me, it represents fellowship and belonging. Healthy attachments reflect mutual affection........an affinity of like minds. Healthy attachments can offer new insights of who we are, and how we are perceived and what our value is to this world. Possibly producing snippets of self- revelation. It is a bonding between two individuals or a connection to a place of worship, or to a community that allows one to find the confidence to show a vulnerable side. It allows one to feel an open-hearted sense of being able to show true colours thereby feeling accepted no matter what. The strings of attachment, when the feelings of affinity flow back and forth, are wrapped in acceptance and self-confidence. We are then able to strive for personal independence. Affirmation and attachment are the foundation to build on our independence. WE need love and belonging as much as we need air to breathe.



There are times when the balance of a friendship tips.............personal circumstances pull on the strings in one way. Need for reassurance, need for more understanding, more commitment, more attention puts pressure on the relationship. It alters the role each person may have assumed in the attachment. Sometimes it's difficult to know how to help or to know how to ask for help. It may be new territory, especially if the friendship is newly forming, or if the needs are deep.

Questions from both parties can arise...........on both sides of the attachment............felt stronger when there is a unique sense of kindredness one doesn't find just anywhere.........

• What does this person want from me?
• How can I reach out to help this person without being misperceived?
• How can I explain my pain and anguish to another when I can't even describe it to myself?
• Why is this person reaching out to me when I have nothing to give in return?
• Is there an underlying reason why this person would want to help me?
• How worthy am I?
• Are there strings attached to this person's desire to help me?

When it comes to connecting with new people in our lives, we are often untrusting beings arent we? Unconditional acceptance is a foreign entity in our lives, expecially if one has been burned before by someone who at face value seemed to be offering an open heart but then trumped you with a different agenda. And, yet unconditional acceptance, where harsh judgement plays no role, does exist between two people. It's a hard climb to make.............but well worth it because these types of attachments............this kinship is the most satisfyingly rich than any other.

Vulnerability, self-doubt, pain and confusion can easily block the questions from being posed. However, if the attachment is based on mutual admiration, on desire to give and take, on the awareness that the friendship can offer both enlightenment and personal growth, the questions need to be asked..................and answered.......................feeding the depth of affinity and feeding confidence in the reliability of the other person.

All relationships shift, all friendships breathe Commitment to making it work, to wanting to learn more about ourselves, desire to giving and receiving, and the expression of words allow attachments to flourish. Both parties must see the gift, and must want to take the risk to learn to trust to make it work.

No one likes to feel like a misfit. No one wants to feel lonely. We do want to be understood, accepted, loved, nutured.............no matter how large the scars are. We all need unconditional love provided through healthy attachments to thrive to feel alive. It's very real...........

All consuming consumerism

I don't get it...............why would anyone in their right mind go shopping on Boxing Day? Sure, there are BIG sales to lure the lemmings back into the malls........we have a recycle box of flyers to prove it. But, you'd think people would have reached their satiation point. Enough already!

I had a tough time this year with all things plastic and blow upity found on the front lawns of tackydom. For some reason, I choked everytime I saw a display of over the top too much garishness blinking messages of materialism. That was a lot of gagging, because it seemed to me a Christmas lighting and ornamental virus hit like wildfire. It used to be that there were one or two off the wall eccentric families in the community who would cover every space and eavestrough on their homes, and then would have this fountain of twinkling lights glaring off their bushes and trees. It was funny..........an ode to the Griswolds. NOW? Whole neighbourhoods have gone blinking bonkers. These same people are lining up for Walmart's Boxing Day bonanza to purchase more zippy lights and blow up thingys for their classy collection. Whooooppeeee.............

This afternoon, I waited inside the mall for 15 minutes to pick up my son and husband at the movie theatre. It was the only reason I would ever set foot in there this week. However, it gave me a chance to gawk and wonder. The place was packed to the rafters with bag carrying sales seekers, looking for yet another great deal..........not to be passed up. Many of them looked like they were really enjoying themselves. What's with that? Maybe I'm in the minority, but I find malls even on a day in March when I would have it all to myself, repulsive. If I have to go in one, it is with a mission that has a beginning and end.......then I'm out of there. No loitering for me. But, I digress..........................these are my thoughts and questions while waiting my 15 minutes, watching the consumer crowds..............boxing it out.........

1. What's with high pointy heels and tight ass jeans complete with a winter jacket with fake fur that only falls just below the breasts? This is Canada people. It's freaking cold outside. Don't tell me this is going to keep you warm? It not only looks uncomfortable and potentially harmful, it seems to be a uniform and not original....... it makes 14 year olds look skanky. It makes 40 year olds look used up. Oh, wait a minute.........................it's the puck bunny uniform. It is truly Canadian................hockey rules!

2. Did every teenager receive a hair straightening device so that they can fakify a look of unique tartism?

3. Why didn't these kid's fathers ever tell them to close their mouths or they'll catch flies like my Dad did? Walking around with a stunned mouth open look is not attractive.........and yet methinks there must be a "how to flirt like a fish" book stuffed in every school locker in the kingdom I've missed reading about? Bone straight hair, dried out and unhealthy looking because of the goop and irons put to it, tight ass jeans, belly jackets and wonky high heels......not blinking............wide black liner eyed...........mouth open pouty like........... arrrrrrgh.........

4. Cell phones. Unbelievable. Are people afraid to be alone even in a mall? What the heck are they afraid to be missing? As people streamed out of the theatres, every other person seemed to be either dialing up, or checking messages, or turning it on. I saw 10 year olds walking by talking on their little flippy compacts. To me, the whole cell phone craze is the epitome of consumerism gone bonkers. I understand the connection to business or the need for a kid to have one if they live in a large city and must commute to school or some situation like that. Safety and business. But, why does a 12 year old need a cell phone to talk to THE 12 year old FRIEND WHO IS WOBBLING ON THEIR SKANKY HIGH HEELS BESIDE THEM?

5. Why are kids allowed to wear such ridiculous get ups, complete with skin stretchy mini skirts and little strappy undershirts, black leggings and pink bras with the straps showing? What message are we giving to these children that dressing like a whore is acceptable.............?? It's beyond me.

6. Why does someone need 25 sweaters? Or every Ninetendo game out there? How come SO many people can afford those game systems? Where does all the plastic go when it has reached it's expiration date? Have we reached our consumerism limit? How much more waste can we generate?

Good thing I was only in the place for 15 minutes. I think my head would have popped off if I had stayed any longer.................

Threads of gold and silver........

Small encounters are felt most,
as are spontaneities.
Heightened meaning falling toward you.
Out of the blue.
Unseen design of providence, seemingly happenstance

Shapeless at first.....
inconsequential
unconnected
chance interactions
unless you take time to ponder

Isolated moments which may remain so
if life events are siloed
just a little happening all on it's own
with no meaning

or

illuminated sentience accumulated
to reveal whispers of Guidance with meaning.

Your choice.

This home has been a centre of whirling spontaneities all beneath the veneer of planned events. I'm exhausted, yet feeling a sense of satisfaction and pleasure. Christmas didn't feel like it was on it's way despite trimming the tree, decorating the mantel, listening to the familiar carols, and wrapping presents, reading and contemplating the meaning of the day of Celebration. Normally, one of these activities throws me into the Christmas magic. This year, I went into it wiped out. The spirit of Christmas and my ability to embrace the meaning seemed wilted.


Small encounters and delicious spontaneity arrived just in time.............thank you God.

It started with the Solstice bonfire and potluck out at Keswick Ridge. One would've had a grinch-like heart not to feel the energy of the children, adults included under the umbrella of kiddies.............excited about Christmas, and popping with sparks to experience a nighttime winter adventure. It was palpably the first planned event full of spontaneous small encounters.

Under a beautiful midnight clear and a blanket of stars.

The second event on Saturday night was full of encounters, culminating in a very spontaneous round of carol singing. Our home was filled to the brim with friends of all ages and with some new faces who were visiting our friends for Christmas. Ages ranged from an infant to a couple of Grandmas. Not everyone knew one another....... it was a gathering of people we knew from different components of our lives. And yet, the chatter and openness to get to know one another.........the sharing of personal stories, and the playing of games all fed the feeling that this gathering for some reason seemed more special than others in the past.

As I flitted here and there, serving and orchestrating..........which is what I do best, as does my partner in life...........though he's more visible being the pourer of "spirits" and the background music guy........ I observed many encounters, as well as jumped into a few. What made me feel the most pleased.................dead pleased like the angels :) ............. was to see how comfortable and how relaxed the crowd was.

My home was their home...............
Comfortable enough to be themselves.
Nothing makes me more satisfied.

Before we knew it, a friend picked up a guitar and began playing. Before we knew it, voices of all ages began to sing Christmas Carols. Even the self-concious teenies sang. If we couldn't remember all the verses, one of the Grandmas, a Minister, led the way.

Harmony..........together.........filling the room with Christmas spirit.

No one left before midnight. The last of the crew, carrying their bundled up children said their goodbyes in the wee hours. There was a desire to stay in the moment to savour the feeling.

Heightened meaning falling towards us out of the blue.
Beautiful.

Christmas Eve................dinner at a friend's home. Friends who are as close as family. More quiet than the night before, but no less meaningful. This was the first time we had shared dinner on Christmas Eve together. Usually we aren't in the same town...............spending time with our own families far away........ It meant a lot to all of us.

Yesterday..........Christmas Day.............a morning for just us.......the four of us. Full of surprises and big smiles unwrapping the gifts, of choral music and enjoying the time together. After a big hearty breakfast, I tiptoed down the hallway to a big bed, put my new CD on the stereo........beautiful classical music......... and promptly fell into the deepest worry free sleep. Contentment.

Dinner................ traditional turkey with all the trimmings.....................shared with another family.......our fourth one together. We began by sharing our blessings.........of friends, health, family, special times shared.....everyone having a chance to speak from their heart which focused all of us on the meaning of Christmas Day.

Glad to be together. Glad to share a special day. Heightened meaning......awareness....... felt by all.

Rejoice

O come, O come, Emmanuel,
And ransom captive Israel,
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear.
Rejoice! Rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Wisdom from on high,
Who orderest all things mightily;
To us the path of knowledge show,
And teach us in her ways to go.
Rejoice! Rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Rod of Jesse, free
Thine own from Satan’s tyranny;
From depths of hell Thy people save,
And give them victory over the grave.
Rejoice! Rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Day-spring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here;
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night,
And death’s dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice! Rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Key of David, come,
And open wide our heavenly home;
Make safe the way that leads on high,
And close the path to misery.
Rejoice! Rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, O come, great Lord of might,
Who to Thy tribes on Sinai’s height
In ancient times once gave the law
In cloud and majesty and awe.
Rejoice! Rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Root of Jesse’s tree,
An ensign of Thy people be;
Before Thee rulers silent fall;
All peoples on Thy mercy call.
Rejoice! Rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Desire of nations, bind
In one the hearts of all mankind;
Bid Thou our sad divisions cease,
And be Thyself our King of Peace.
Rejoice! Rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel.

Merry Christmas to everyone..........

may you find a peaceful home in your hearts,

food to warm your spirits,

and red wine to gladden your soul.

out in the distance, a family star

It's Christmas Eve. The winter sun is peaking up over the river in a brilliant orange. Beautiful. I've been awake for a couple of hours, flooded by the remembrance of the faces connected to me. It's comforting and sad at the same time. Christmas has a way of heightening joy and sorrow simultaneously doesn't it?

One smiling face seems to be surfacing in my thoughts more predominantly today, and I think I know why. On Christmas Eve when I was young, my Dad would make a long distance phone call overseas to his Aunt Jean in Scotland. Unlike today, it was a huge deal then to place a call like that. I think you had to call the operator to help you. Plus it seemed like such an expense. It only happened on Christmas Eve and the phone call was actually directed to the neighbour next door because Aunt Jean didn't have her own phone. The neighbour would bang on the pipes between their homes to let Jean know her nephew was calling from Canada. Once she was on the other end of the line..................which had a crackly far away sound, we'd all have a chance to say hello to this feisty woman with a thick Scottish "r" rolling brogue.............only half understanding what she was saying.

Beautiful rolling "r's" and a lilty song voice couched with an "ooooooooooo" and always a direct "this is how it is" tone. My Great Aunt Jean. The matriarch of my Dad's side of the family. I wouldn't describe her as a warm and fuzzy type, though she had a big heart and kept the familial history up to date in her oversized Bible. She had a outside crust to her rosy cheekiness.

Aunt Jean was my first penpal. After her initial visit to Canada to stay with us (her very first time on a plane), she and I wrote to one another regularly for years. I loved receiving the blue aerogram in the mail with her tiny scripty writing, full of newsy bits of her life and of the lives of her daughters, my second cousins. In return, I would fill her in on the newsy bits about her nieces and nephews........and grrrrrand nieces and nephews......... I still have her letters tucked away.

Underlying our special Christmas Eve event was this feeling of connecting to the place in the world where we came from.....a wee little village called Lanark in Lanarkshire. My Grandfather was born not far from where Aunt Jean lived in another village named Larkhall, near "Mount Tintel".............the highest point in the area.

When I was 18, I made the trek to visit her in Lanark. She took me all around the area, introducing me as "This lass is my grrrrrrand niece..........Tom's son RRRRRRRRRRobert's eldest. She's come to visit from Canada."
And they would reply....... "Aye, I can see the resemblance.........Welcome to Lanark. Have you climbed Mount Tintel yet? You must do that and when yooooooooooou doooooo, take a rock with yooooooooooou to leave at the top. That's the tradition. We all have a part in making it higher."

Over the ensuing years, we continued to keep in touch through aerograms and visits. She flew again across the pond a couple of times, and I had another visit to Lanark. It was during my second trip, which occured near the end of a 4 month trek through Europe when I felt a strong sense of ancestral belonging to Lanark. It happened during the walk up Mt. Tintel with my friend Heather and three new travel friends. As we climb up this hill, rocks in hand, I was flooded by a feeling of belonging. It was a wonderful experience.

So, today as we go for a walk in the afternoon, as we get ready to enjoy Christmas Eve dinner..........as we take part in the church services tonight, I will think of my Aunt Jean and her rollings "rrrrrrrrr's".......... and reintroduce a few of my stories of her to my children.

I want her spirit to be alive today................on Christmas Eve.

Cheer Gathers

Our doors open tonight for cheer gathering
Traditions created, passed on and anticipated
Part of our Christmas celebration
Part of my childhood celebrations,
continued with my family.

Tonight, the lights on the trees begin to work their magic
Fire in the hearth, crackling warmth
Beautiful music
Always beautiful music


Excited kiddies.......and a baby too.....
Dressed in fancy duds and tights
Eating gingerbread
Tasting yuletide
Singing carols
Chanting stories
Catching up with one another
Tossing out remember whens........

Sharing savouries
Drinking red wine to gladden our hearts.
Toasting to His birth in a manger,
far away
a long time ago


Cheer gathers.............

Making those Angels pleased! Right Pip?

Dead pleased!! YESSSSSS!