Recently, I read a "once upon a time long ago" fable about an Explorer who was travelling through unchartered territory. He was obsessed and determined to be the first to forge into the mysterious unknown. He gathered his belongings and hired three local tribesmen to be his Guides.
They set out at daybreak on the first morning with a pace that hardly allowed time to eat a meal or to really look around at the new surroundings. They walked until it was dark and set up camp. The second day, the pace increased. The Explorer kept looking forward slashing his way through the bush and missing out on the landscape, the vistas when the forests opened up. He blindly walked right past a glorious waterfall cascading down from a spring fed stream....... The Guides kept up, carried his belongings, gave him water and food when he needed it. This type of journey wasn't something they understood or were familiar with. What was this Explorer searching for???
On the third morning just before dawn, the Explorer dressed and ready for another day of crazed travelling, called to his Guides to tell them it was time to move on. But the Guides remained sitting still. With more agression in his voice, he demanded that they get up. It was time to move on. But, the Guides refused to move.
"Why aren't you respecting my direction?" asked the Explorer
"We can't leave here," said one of the Guides acting at the spokesman." "We must remain here so that our spirits can catch up to us."
That's exactly how I feel. I need to sit still and let my spirit catch up to me. Does anyone else feel like that?
To describe the pace of my life...........emotionally, physically, spiritually.... since March as a whirlwind seems like an understatement. As much as I have taken time to be still, to reflect and to do all the things I need to do to let go of the poisonous feelings caused by the hurt, and as much as I get up every day with the determination to take it slowly....... life doesn't work that way..... especially the one I seem to be leading!
Leading? NOT! Well, OK, I take full responsibility for the choices I make and for many of the situations I find myself in, which is admittedly fed by my insatiable curiosity and hunger for learning and experiencing new things. Granted, I have had the blessed fortune to have experienced unbelievable life affirming, happenings that continue to be illuminating, challenging, and FUN, I am drained. Exhausted. To use a British term............. I am shattered. Gobsmacked too! I know that doesn't mean tired, but I love that word and I do feel it as well. Absolutely fucking Gobsmacked by how my life seems to be evolving. BRING IT ON!
I am in a good place.........no more shock in my system. That electricity jolting is gone. I sat in the grief of my pain and shock............confronted it, cried in it, raged, swore, and blown my nose in it. I've spent many nights pacing, writing, crying, laughing, reflecting, tossing and turning, praying, bargaining, denying, depressing, talking, sharing, listening, working, processing. I have pushed through bad dreams, visual pictures in my head......felt such emotional pain especially some mornings when I wake up and realize that my marriage is no more. Done. Kaput. Failed. This has softened...... the hardness of reality has softened.
I am now in a place where I feel lighter, where I am unstuck, where the blessings are so abundant! My voice is back. My inner strength is blazing in light! I am strong for my kids. I am strong for myself. I am beginning to feel pretty again. Even sexy. Can I say that? I havent felt sexy in a long long time. To quote that weird song about Gretzky being played ad nauseum on CBC Radio 2? "Pretty bloody sexy, pretty bloody sexy....!" ;)
To be HERE right now in this amazing frame of mind and heart? It is through much hard work and unbelievable unconditional support in order to let go of it...... this is why I am so damn tired. I know there are many upheavals ahead, including a symbolic one this weekend when someone moves to town, just up the road for God's sake, I believe I am much more balanced than I expected to be at this point in the separation. Still, I ask myself..........what the hell is that all about? Why so close to the neighbourhood? eeeewwwww! Whatever. I'm not a cat. I will not spray the territory. But, for God's sake, this is a very large country!
There are many many events and situations I have no control over. I may question it and wonder every now and then if God is just playing games again, I'm alright with that. Surrendering is empowering as well as humbling. On the other hand, there are many many events I do have some control over. If I continue to be aware of my own needs and those of my children, I will be just fine, and have some fun while I'm at it.
In the meantime............what I need? Time to rest, sleep, jump out of routine and let my Spirit catch up to me. And that's what I plan to do........... let the wind carry my spirit across the waters, up through the front door, down the hall and into my beautiful blue bedroom where I will waiting........
Let the universe unfold as it should. Let it carry me in my Chestnut canoe (I wish!) down through the river currents without once having to use a hard "C" stroke.
Hey Spirit? Come over and let's dance. I'll be waiting........... the music is on and the wine is chilling. I think you're gonna enjoy this place I call home.