Now poster size,
this umbrella beauty is framed and hangs
above my bed to protect me from storms
Hi there! I can't believe how little I've been blogging. I've been writing, but not on this site. I seem to be finding new avenues to explore, and I'm enjoying all of them...... one on one communications as well as journaling. It feels like right now, much of what I want to share I want to share with one person at a time. The written conversations as well as the face to face ones have been rich in emotional texture.... good heart opening stuff, which has left me feeling a sense of prosperity deeper than I have felt in years.
Whether its been in a canoe (yes, I've been paddling...and will go again soon), around my little campfire pit in my backyard.......whether its been long rambling laughter filled conversations on the phone late into the night, or beautiful sharing of hearts through fingertip touching internet style, it's all been healing, life affirming. The strength of my friendships with both family and friends has deepened too,for all of us. Not just me. Vulnerability does have its up side. You tend to get to a place where you really don't give a rat's ass what you say and you say what you mean with an honesty far away from shadows.
Meaningfully beyond, beyond the daily doses of chatty surface stuff.
Every single day brings forth a cornucopia of life events and connections with surprising twists and turns, most of which has a dash of absurdist hilarity, a doppling of doubt, a wallop of reality, and a softening of heart. Feelings and thoughts are stirred inside me as I dwell in this fantastic emotionally driven place of inner creative flow. I know that when I have time to capture some of its wondrous essence, I may just have myself an interesting book written.
The shock has lifted. I was hesitant to believe it, but it has. That's not to say I'm not sad and angry still. Sadness grabs hold of me at the most inopportune times. Anger sometimes seeps out of me like a viper and I try my best not to direct it at anyone. When it hits........ I sing the song from Finding Nemo when Dory calls Nemo "Mr Grumpy Gills..."
Just keep swimming,
Just keep swimming.......
I'm not startled anymore. My house isn't startled anymore. Most importantly, my children aren't startled anymore. Big emotions still, of course, but no startling. We are in good shape to enter into the summer vacation months. This was one goal I had for them. I wanted them to have time to gather their strength while finding their footing again. I am inspired by their resiliency and their ability to process the life altering changes thrown at them, knowing they are loved, loved, loved. I am blessed to learn from them and to lead them as their resilient Momma.
I also have learned that the universe certainly does look after you if you allow it to. I didn't believe this. I thought it was some new age tired mantra crock set up to convince you to be irresponsible of actions and thoughts. It's funny, the more resentful I became that I didn't feel a sense of equality and balance in my marriage, the more shut down I was from the possibility that this feeling could come from another place.... that the universe will look after you. Its not like you're there for a free ride. Far from it, but there comes a point when surrendering up one's control panel and letting go of the "stuff" that seemed so damn important at the time can produce a sense of freedom that literally makes the air thin and beautiful refreshing.
In so doing, I'm taking new steps I never thought I would. I'm seeking out as well as receiving newness. Change is being embraced. The winds are bringing them to me and I like the look and feel of the new breezes. Who knows where it will lead. Who knows where I will land? It doesn't matter the destination right now. What matters is that I am surrounded by love, concern, and such beautiful encouragement that I can't help but smile more. The treasures are felt inside the heart, abundantly.
I have returned to poetic words of John O'Donohue. His blessings ARE a blessing. Reading his prose, particularly in his book Anam Cara, I feel like I'm reading it for the first time. Why? Because my gaze has changed. The lens I am fitted with right now is flexible and colourful. This morning I read this again....
"The state of one's heart inevitably shapes one's life; it is ultimately the place where everything is decided.
- A courageous heart will go forth and engage with life despite confusion and fear
- A fearful heart will be hesitant and will tend to hold back
- A heavy heart will make for a gloomy, unlived life
- A compassionate heart need never carry burden of judgment
- A forgiving heart knows the art of liberation
- A loving heart awakens the spirit of possibility and engagement of others."
Today, I believe I have found my courageous heart. There is no doubt in my mind that I am where I am because of the compassionate and loving hearts who have surrounded me with their light. God dwells in our hearts. As Father O'Donohue states........ "the heart is the divine sanctuary...." How rich we are to carry that in us.
Hey! Here I am................and I feel fine. xxx