Friday, April 09, 2010

emotion motion........

I  have vowed not to use this venue as a dumping ground of vindictive thoughts and feelings as I plough through the reality that is my life at the moment.   It's too public, and it's just not right.  There's enough nasty mean mind pollution out there on blogs and websites.  It's also too permanent, and as we all know, feelings are fleeting.  

Know that I'm feeling deeply, pouring through the fear and sadness the best I can, and trying to learn from them.  I am doing this through much guidance of family and friends and through my own time alone.  I have sought out counselling for myself and serendipitously have connected with someone whom I will be meeting with in time to learn how to harness the gifts I have in new ways.  I am writing on the side, getting the BIG MONSTERS out of me so I can see them with my own eyes.   And I'm doing this knowing that I may not be protected as much as I would like to be from God, but I am fully supported.  My faith grows.  My understanding of myself and others grows.  And believe me, it's bloody draining!!!

Though some feelings wear out their welcome and stay around like a houseguest whose turned into an unwanted roommate, we must process them them, reflect on them.........look underneath them.  If we don't, they EAT us up inside and cause untold physical and spiritual damage.  

See them as helpful!! They are flags waving inside us.  Their purpose is to communicate messages we need to  listen to.  They help us move towards solutions, and teach us more about ourselves than we even want to know!  Emotional Literacy is all about recognizing the ticks and the tocks all the while giving them a name.    Emotional Literacy is all about allowing the feelings to stretch us into a place of discomfort so that we can soak in their motion and function.  So we can learn and grow.  They change us even if we fight the change.  

Yesterday, I sunk to a new low.  It was dreadful.  It didn't scare me, though I'm sure it frightened others.  I knew I had to sit right in the middle of it and FEEL or I would not move forward in the grieving that my heart and soul is experiencing.  I lashed out too.  In anger. I sounded like a sailor on a bender.  It's a strange feeling to be so deeply sad and angry at the same time.  The pain hurts.  It leaves scars.  It leaves new learning.  It leaves you vulnerable in the knowledge that no matter what, no one can take them away.  If you don't feel them, they turn inward and form a calcified crust of bitterness around your heart.  Then, you can't fully love or trust again.  I don't want that.  I want the opposite of that!!!!   

My counsellor told me................. tears are strength.  Its the first time I have heard that before, and it's the opposite message we have all been told.  The more I consider it, the more I agree with her.  As much as crying and tears are so tiring and messy, once you blow your nose, wash your face, throw away the snotty kleenexes, and have a nap all rolled up in a fetal position, you do feel stronger afterwards.  Pretty traumatic way to gain strength, but there you go.  Let the tears flow!!

When one is fragmented inside because of accumulated pain, or of chronic denial of the hurts, the truth eventually spits out in various ways.  Anxiety, depression, addictions, sexual outlets..... these are all examples of how the fragments pierce through the skin.   We seek out unhealthy avenues as temporary salve rather than mercy and salvation.  Sometimes our personal issues and history seems just so magnified and monumental.  Where do you start??  The point is NOT to figure out WHERE you start.  The point is just STARTING.  Anywhere.  With the first feeling that you claim.  Start there!!
In counselling, we never begin at the beginning...... rarely do I hear a "Once upon a time..." start in a session. Rather, the individual sitting across from me jumps into a story right in the middle of life.  It's like a tip of the iceberg and the more we converse, the more the story expands into the past and out beyond hopes and dreams.  More often than not, the "issue" does not even resemble the original starting point.  It takes a while to get to the raw truth.  You have to be ready for it, and find comfort that you are being heard before you share it.  Plus, you have to dig into the heart mine yourself before you may even KNOW what the issue is.  Rarely are the real reason for feeling the BIG MONSTER feelings float up to the surface on their own.  We are masters of cloaking them in coping mechanisms.

I want to be whole again and I will.  The only way I know how to do this is to be honest with myself. I will continue to find the strength through my blessed friends and family, through my writing, talking, walking, reading, through expressing myself as broadly as I can, through my tears as well as laughter.  If I do all of that with as much courage as I can, and with the truth to guide me, I know I will find a new place that will be as enchanted as this place used to be.  Maybe more so.  Along the way, I will stop and count my blessings because there are many!  I am grateful.

If I empty myself of those debilitating feelings and let them topple onto the ground to mix with the clay of all souls, my cup of life will be ready to be filled .  I want room in that cup for possibilities.  I just have to be patient and not move so quickly.  If I move to quickly, I topple to the ground myself. 

Perhaps that's where I need to be from time to time, on the ground mixing with the clay of all souls.  It's the best I can do...   Just like you. Just like you.  We are no different you and I. Feelings are universal.


Jen said...

Amen, Dana!
Amen, Amen, Amen!

There is such comfort in the one-ness that we all share, through our differences.

Feelings, doubts, pain, suffering, the JOURNEY ITSELF is universal. The longing for consciousness is universal.

The falling down and getting back up, the forgetting what you learned...then remembering it again. It's the way we were designed. So beautiful. Being remade, over and over.

The House on Big Island said...

So my dear is finally time for me to write to you.

Please...(please)_know that I am reading everything you write - I feel with you and heal with you and hope with you and keep you close to me in thought and prayer.

But...until now, I have not known how best to communicate to you. I am not a close friend or confidente, we shared some wonderful and memorable experiences a lifetime ago - we know many of the same people and places and we share such special memories of a "time and place, where only we have been".

I hope that it brings you comfort and strength to know that, like so many others, I care very much and promise to read every word you write - and to share in your journey ahead. If that day comes, you can always call on me for anything. I will be here, ready to answer or just to listen.

Much love,


Meri75 said...

I so badly needed to read this today. Know you have touched my heart and helped to lift my soul. Gratefully, Meri

Mark said...

I love how you have expressed your feelings. You know what you need to do and knowing is strength. You are right, you have to empty to allow room for that which you desire. Allow the tears, allow yourself to be on the ground in the clay of souls, all this is part of your process. Trust in your process. Love yourself and let your love guide you. Hugs.

awareness said...

Thanks Jen. I wrote this over lunch. It kind of flew out of me. :) I've had a tough time writing stuff here that hasn't been too angry and I really don't want to do that.

Feelings are so misunderstood ignored to a point where we do such damage to our health. Personally, I know I flood myself with feelings and it is kind of where my "resting" place is, which scares many people in my life, especially men. What i need to be more in control of is knowing when I am flooded and how it impacts my thinking AND my mouth.

This is lesson that I continue to work on. It's also what has bit me in the arse.

Daisy... :) Thank you. It has always warmed my heart that you've been reading my blog almost since the beginning. Along with the emails we've swapped over the years, it actually makes me feel much closer to you. You opinion and thoughts do matter to me. A lot. I think we've always been on the same wavelength. Knowing how much you value family too matters....
Our paths will cross someday soon I think. Are you thinking about going to the Stuart McLean fundraiser in Toronto this month? I may be going. I havent decided yet, but I will be in the vicinity for a week staying with my folks.

awareness said...

Meri.... So did I! :) Yesterday was brutal, but important. To reflect on it and to recognize the importance of reading those internally flagged feelings can only help us in our journey....both personally and in how we interact with others. Cheers to you.

Mark. It is isn't it? I actually loved the picture I had in my head when I wrote down those words.... the clay of all souls. It reminded me of something John O'Donohue would've written. Or maybe he did and I knicked it!
Yeah, knowing and staying with feelings do bring strength. Awareness brings strength even if the reality bites. :) Thank you.

Jen said...

Dana, just a very left-brained point here...

I made the mistake of telling people in my tiny town, as well as members of my family about my blog when I first started writing.

I regret that.

Now I censor myself constantly.

I have a separate blog that is invite only...and I'm the only one invited. I don't know why a plain old paper journal doesn't seem to do the job, but typing comes easier. The feelings flow, the emotions erupt, I find my words easier.

Just a little info about me. ;-)

Selma said...

And in seeking to be whole again you will help the rest of us trying to do the same. God Bless you, Dana. I think of you often XXX