happenings.....

Why are we here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in this immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come.

Samuel Beckett, Waiting for Godot

Are we all just actors in life's theatre of the absurd? Are we simply tramps biding our time, muddling through life's happenings waiting for Godot? Is there a Godot or is He one of us just trying to make His way home?



There is a well known saying, one that is understood by a group of people I will always be connected to despite the fact that our summers together have long passed. I don't know where it came from, but I do know that it was passed on from one generation of counsellors to another....the meaning and the memories it conjures up are warmly felt. The memories may be different to one and all, but they are similar in their soft aroma because they all include the comfort of kinship........of hanging out together.


"Where's the happening?"



Instead of realizing that it was right under your nose, there was a sense that as you were waiting for this ever elusive big deal happening to occur, you were also smack dab in the middle of one, living the moment. During adolescence, we all tended to think that something bigger and more important was lying in wait around the corner of time, but in reality the joy of just hanging out sometimes just slipped by unrecognized. Every now and then a wise soul would point out the obvious, but there was always that lingering wistfulness.......that perhaps Godot was about to appear?

This morning, I awoke struck with the thought that I'm waiting for a happening. There is no clear sense of what it looks like, or how it will present itself and in fact it makes me feel unnerved. As an adolescent, there was always a tinge of excitement and of adventure.... perhaps experimentation. As an adult, however, happenings seem to collide in my head with change and turbulence. They don't seem to include the everyday ordinary living moments these days, or the stir of anticipation that used to bring smiling butterflies in the belly. Instead, they seem to be the crux of stress and emotional turmoil that produce a growling sensation in the pit of my stomach.

Am I becoming more cynical and less adventurous as I age? Am I becoming more fearful of change or do I see more clearly the need for changes with a tinge of immediacy? Or maybe there are just too many of the damn events that it's just becoming an annoyance?

So much of those ever elusive "happenings" have occured over the past year which have stirred up change and have thrown reality in my face that I think I get swamped in the reflections of them at times. I'm left with a muddled mess of interloping thoughts and fears of what the future has in store........of what I can and cannot control..........of what I need to face and to address and what I need to simply let go.

Oh, I know I'm not alone, ...... suitcases get full of bluesy loathings and can weigh a ton even for people whom others perceive as strong. The muscles used to carry the load, while anticipating MORE to throw in the bag at a time when the happenings are not simple "hanging out" moments is zapped today. It seems like I manage to get one item out of that damn suitcase and another one replaces it. It seems like i sit down for a breather and all of a sudden I get a tap on the shoulder to inform me that ANOTHER sweet life happening is beckoning. Am I allowed to SCREAM for help yet??

Happenings have somehow become crap that needs to be dealt with. And when you're a wife and mother with a full time career outside of the house, a human being trying to grab onto life and SQUEEZE it out as best as she can despite it's slipperiness, a multi-tasking mule with a list of to do's and a birthday party for ten 11 year old boys to orchestrate this afternoon and a 48 year old woman who is on the verge of getting her period for the umpteenth time in a matter of months, well.....lets just say, the suitcase needs a good airing out.

Think I'll go hang out under the tree with those two forlorn tramps for a bit and wait for Godot. 'Cause if I don't? I fear I just may choke someone.