Of course by the time my toe touched the hot water, I had numerous fleeting thoughts filter past me during this exercise. I also had a chance to read a provoking passage in a book, to make a cup of tea, and to watch the sunrise. Lots to ponder, and it wasn't even 6:30 am. Then, I found myself smiling...............smiling because what had happened was an integration where actions, ideas and insight merge. As John O'Donahue wrote, "there is a mirror within the human mind. This mirror collects every reflection." This is what reflective solitude can offer........the grace of unexpected insight.
Wanna know what I learned?
It wasn't anything HUGELY important. It's not an new idea for a money making invention. It's not something death defying or mountain moving. In fact, I think I already even knew this, but needed to understand it in a different light I suppose. It was about perception......particularly about how others perceive another person.
A couple of events have occured already this week which has foisted this concept in my face......making me aware of how others have been perceiving me. I realize that most of our perceptions of ourselves and of others are directly impacted by where we are personally in our lives..........how we are feeling, what we are thinking, what our own wounding triggers are, what successes we have had.....how we see the world, ourselves and others.....even how much sleep we have had can alter the prism. Events, personal experiences, the setting with which a person finds themselves colours the reflective waters through which we see. Nothing is ever totally transparent.
Our perceptual vision is never as clear as we assume it is. So, when I hear someone share an observation of where they think I am, or how I am and it is way off, I understand the vision is murky at best. Even with knowing that, I can still be disturbed with what is shared with me or someone else because no one can really know what's going on inside of me. Most days, I don't even know for goodness sakes. So, how can someone else make a sweeping statement about my state of mind when in fact it is always in fluctuation. Starting and restarting...........and sometimes in need of another restart. Yeah, I think it's best to remember always that our perceptions are really a reflection of our own stuff.
However, when what is expressed hits an inner target, not only can it be reaffirming, it can also be a bit of a revelation. We all have blind spots about ourselves and others. There are parts of ourselves we are not aware of..........yet. How wonderful it is (well, sometimes it's not nice but this one example is.........) when a person shares with you their feelings and it's an eye opener for yourself. It's like a secret has been revealed to both parties.
The other day, I had just finished an intensive counselling session with an individual. It was intensive on several fronts. First off, I was counselling and teaching at the same time because the session included two students who are learning and applying new skills with me as one of their guides. For them, it is a concious transference from the classroom theory to the practical application.....a synthesis of learning......... the ONLY way to really "get it."
There were 5 people in the session, unlike most when it's just me and the individual in need. What I wanted was to make a seemingly artificial counseling environment feel as intimate as it normally would. My awareness of ensuring I was displaying various techniques of the trade while not making it so obvious that it took away from the flow and the seriousness of the session, was heightened. I was on...........sharp, focused and in tune. It felt like a "play within a play," and I needed to be a sensitive director. The session lasted over an hour and a half. It was draining and difficult. But, because it is what I love to do, more than anything it was very satisfying. I had REALLY enjoyed the whole process of helping to facilitate change which comes with insightful learning. As Pip Laguna down on the Lido in Venice enjoying a well deserved vacation, would say...........loveitloveitloveit......
Before there was a chance to reflect on the session, I needed a chance to catch my breath and clear my head.........to step out of the mode I was in. So, I stopped to chat with a couple of co-workers about nothing in particular.........just a couple of laughs. It energizes and it helps reconnect to my own life and world. Before I knew it, another colleague, John, walked up beside me and gave me a hug. He told me I looked like I needed one so I figured he could see the fatigue of a full day of counselling and teaching........but I also thought that perhaps I was in need of some sympathy because of a recent change in my work environment which isn't good news. This is where I THOUGHT he was coming from.......MY perception of his perception!!
No matter.................it made me feel good knowing someone cared enough to leave his office and walk over to put me in his arms for a brief respite. I was grateful for his attention and support.
Yesterday, as I was bouncing back to my office from the friendly neighbourhood Deli I frequent when in need of a cup of tea, I bumped into my colleague again. He too was on his way back to his office joined by our mutual friend Mary. We all stopped to catch up quickly before the onslaught of afternoon commitments. John asked me if I knew why he gave me a hug the other day, and I told him what I thought..........that it was an empathic one. He laughed, knowing why I would need one of those too, but then said........
"That actually wasn't the reason. I hugged you because over the past few months I have seen a transformation in you. And I think we know Who is working on that with you. I think it's wonderful to see you transforming and I'm glad He's there helping you."
In an instant, I felt my whole self flush and blush..a shyness feeling...and before I knew it I was caught feeling very choked up. I didn't quite understand why his observations hit me with such force, and I babbled a bit as I tried to hold onto my composure, which I've never really been good at. I try, but I really do suck at keeping my composure when that blushing button is pushed.
You still with me???................we're coming to the revelation bit. John was right. I have felt a transformation, but it is not complete (I don't think it will ever really feel complete which is how it should be) and it has been going on longer than these past couple of months as I have fed and watered it. A lot has gone into the changes which are occuring internally........some of which I share on this blog, most of which I keep to myself. I have felt changes which manifest in my outlook, in the strengthening of my faith, in how I internally react to external events. It has shaped the way I work and the way I interact with others. It has helped me figure out what's most important to me............what I do value and believe in at a much deeper level than previously. It has opened up the curtains and has allowed me to look out different windows and see YOU. It has taught me that beauty lies in the accumulation of life scars, that learning can be really really hard work.
I didn't know it was showing on the outside.............I didn't know others could perceive and see this. I guess sometimes transformative change happens in small increments that we sometimes don't see it ourselves. Most of what is sacred to our soul will remain a secret we keep to ourselves.....and is only revealed during moments of solitude and reflection when we allow it to be made visible.
This morning, after surrendering power over to my computer to update it's programming and restart itself because it knows how to do this WAY better than me, while soaking in the bathtub, I read this.........from Father O'Donahue's Anam Cara.......
"If you try to view yourself through the lenses that others offer you, all you will see are distortions; you own light and beauty will become blurred, awkward and ugly. Your sense of inner beauty has to remain a very private thing..................... the soul has a shy presence."
and this gem............
"It is wise to allow the soul to carry on its secret work in the night side of your life. You might not see anything stirring for a long time. You might have only the slightest intimations of the secret growth that is happening within you, but these intimations are sufficient."
When I read those words, a whole bunch of thoughts came bounding together like several bits of coloured wool you can knit together to form a design.....offering me a "grace - full" insight as to why i reacted the way i did and why I may be perceived the way I am. What did I learn?
Somewhere along the line, I surrendered some of me to God because that guy knows way more than me....and I dont have a flipping clue how He works or why or what for. I just know I want it all to work......and want Him to see me as a friendly accoutrement. Yes, gotta be on the same wavelength as the Big Guy or it will tie me up in knots of frustration. The start, restart, restart work that seems to happen best during those fear producing moments of solitude......where reflections, perceptions, deceptions and conceptions are stirred and fed, mostly in a private sanctuary....God's on top of it. This belief is transforming me in ways I'm still not fully aware of and seems to appears as a blush when the shyness of my soul is revealed through a crack on my internal mirror.
Oh, and one more thing........I'm not good at keeping this a secret.
7 comments:
Wonderfyul quotes! And I agree that you shouldn't pay too much attention to what others think of you. We must remember that one's impressions of others is always colored by their experiences and emotions - and may well be skewed.
Judy.....arent they insightful quotes? Im loving this book, but am only taking nibbles because i find I get lost in the words and float away with too many thoughts.
Yes, perceptions are tricky. Its something I have to continue to consider on a professional level because it feeds intuition which is key to the assessment part of counselling.
Excellent food for thought. I like your blog & I'm going to add you to my link list.
How delightful to read. Thank you so much. Your writing is often an inspiration and helps clarifies things for myself, so it hits so to say in a way my targets.
Oh and don't talk about computers. At home I am disconnected from the net so my hands are in my hair
Nancy....welcome and thank you. I will check out your little piece of blogworld too.
Marja....love to know I may have hit a nerve or two.....I always figure that my experiences aren't very unique....that perhaps it happens to others.... it helps me to know im not such a freak of nature.
ps. we lost our communication links to the world a couple of years ago over the Christmas holiday. It was very difficult...and like you we live away from home (thought NOT as far away as you are) and with two in laws who were ill, it wasn't a great time to be disconnected.
hope it gets straightened out.
I have had a few revelations myself when others have shared with me their perceptions of who I am. It's very interesting to get that kind of feedback because quite often we are totally unaware of what we are "putting out there" and the way it has been perceived.
It can give our own reflections a different perspective and often in a positive way. Wonderfully deep, thought provoking post as always Dana.
Gypsy....we all have an achilles heel when it comes to our blind spots..dont we?? .....and its good to learn of these, but they are normally so negative and personality based.. its difficult to overcome them. however we can only do so if our awareness is altered. It's nice to every once in a while we hear of something positive about ourselves too! This one floored me.....and it was so good to hear.
I also feel good with how it was written, though i see how i can tighten it etc. it felt like it came to together as a writing piece.
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