a string of hearts........

bleeding heart forest

Some wear theirs on their sleeve, while others keep theirs tucked away.

Life in the frontlines continues to tax one with respect to how much you give of yourself. It sounds so selfish when I write it that way, but I believe it's just as important to be aware of where you heart is and how much you allow it to bleed. You have to care for yourself first.

You can easily bleed to death. And then what? You have nothing to give after that. This often occurs with people who are awash with a sense of idealism which leads them to believe it is their responsibility to take on everyone's problems and solve them for them. Often fed by personal political and/or religious philosophies the bleeding heart, blinded from recognizing their own need to be perceived as a caring good person but wracked by their own emotional schemas, aren't helping.

We need to walk with a person, not do the walking for them.

Sure we always need to be open to sharing and breaking bread with another. We always need to recognize the times when we must provide the buffet of sustenance, especially when someone else's cupboards are empty. But, we also must appreciate the importance of helping someone find their own independent path to self-sufficiency. Even as parents, we need to ensure our children learn to be confident in their ability to provide for themselves.

When we do too much, we do more harm. We end up bleeding to death.

Then there's the other side of the coin..........the hardened burn out who negatively smears all individuals with the same paint of rejection. Sometimes these people, who have somehow managed to find themselves in the helping field may not be hardened by burn out. In fact they may have actually experienced many of the same life events and have learned to hide their hearts in the forest with the false belief ....."I've been there and got out of the muck, why can't you?" And you know what the underlying message is to this attitude? "Lazy! Quit being so bloody lazy. Pull up your socks and get a grip......" or something like that. This attitude and approach does just as much harm. Not only that, it is completely disrespectful and rude.

Wounded bleeding hearts are hidden behind obnoxious behaviour.

However, there are times when a bleeding heart does need to be tucked away from sight....when direct confrontation or a more "business like" approach is necessary. But, guess what? This can be accomplished respectfully........ there is never a need to respond to someone you are in the role of helping with disdain. Respect is showing heart.

Consoling listening, heart on the sleeve............versus a closed heart hidden away from human massage. Perhaps they both bleed in different ways.

In order to be effective in the field of counselling, one has to know one's limits and one's triggers. It is so easy to get pulled into a story and lose perspective. Life drama is enticing, an alluring drug for anyone with the propensity to be a "helper." There will always be individuals who pull on the strings, or who irritate you just by revealing their wounds. But this is never their stuff.....our reactions to others culminate from our own stuff. This is what we need to be cognizant of.

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Today, I had a conversation with a co-worker who is at her wits end. Trying to help out a well known individual who has a raging reputation from past confrontations with the frontlines but is now older, ill, defeated and in desparate need of intervention and advocacy, my colleague has met one big wall after another in her pursuit to try to help a dire situation. She has experienced a very different client than in the past.....some of this is because the client has been beaten down by a system and has no recourse but to surrender to help, but I also know that my colleague's approach has been from her heart. Consequently, the response from this notorious client has been very different. He sees and feels respect and understanding, he acts and thinks accordingly. He learns that this heart is listening.......REALLY listening, and he learns to trust and to ask for help.

The conversation ended with a discussion on being "nice," and how that is all it really takes.....to be and to show that you're nice and people react positively. Scary really....it hardly takes any effort to be nice to someone and yet we are surrounded by people whom it wouldn't cross their minds to be NICE. Hidden hearts aren't nice.

Such a nebulously Canadian word, isn't it? Nice. Supposedly etched into the Canuck psyche......we're perceived as a nice bunch....kind of vanilla really. It may be vanilla.........but it can pack a wallop. Why? Because "Nice" is the water spring where hearts bleed for others, where empathy is conceived.......where we drink from the cup of humanity.

ps. Deb? the photo is for you................. xo