grief, relief, and reflections......

20 years ago this summer, I made the trek east with my future mother in law to find a place to live in Fredericton New Brunswick for me and my husband to be and then to continue east to Spencer's Island, Nova Scotia where she would spend the rest of the summer. It was her home......the home where she grew up, and the home where she returned to every summer. Spencer's Island was Merrydith's haven. Filled with childhood memories of country freedom, farm life, fishing as well as learning, Mim thrived surrounded by her ancestral connections.

At the time of this trip, it was the longest amount of time she and I had spent together alone. Though we had developed a healthy rapport where honesty and directness was front and centre, as wasn't the case I would find with this family and their interactive dynamics, we had never tested it over the course of a day and a half in the car together with the dog. I remember it fondly mostly because I learned something important about the "make-up" of this woman.

My impression then of Merrydith (Mim) was one of a strong willed very intelligent woman who was in charge, organized, opinionated, worldly and highly politically astute. Ahead of her time with many pursuits, she was the only female graduate from her Dalousie Law class. A lover of Canadian politics, and a lifelong supporter of the "best man" who never became Prime Minister, Robert Stanfield, and a voracious reader of everything from classics to whodunnits, Mim shared her thoughts and opinions on all.

We had much in common, especially our love of Peter Gzowski and CBC Morningside, which neither of us ever missed if possible. In fact, after my husband and I moved to the Maritimes away from "home" in Ontario, I always felt connected to Mim whenever I had Gzowski on the radio interviewing various and sundry Canadians and politicians......and would bring up a particular interview whenever we spoke on the phone. Needless to say, our journey east together was a non-stop conversation that ranged over many topics.

What I did learn about her which really surprised me was that this woman had another side to her. Out of her element, especially on chaotic highways around bigger cities like Toronto and Montreal, and even when we arrived in Fredericton, a smallish city where she had spent her university days (and where she met her own future husband, George "Buzz" Kerr) she was uncomfortable. Shyness revealed itself when I saw a woman who didn't seem confident anymore. Her confidence fell like a house of cards.

She was head to toe a "country girl" despite an adult life of studies, political campaigning, hostessing events, and supporting a husband whose career was in politics. So, as we drove along the familiar Trans Canada, I could see her retentiveness clearly. When we arrived in Fredericton, however, I thought this would evaporate. It didn't. So, even though I had never been to Fredericton before, I ended up taking the lead in finding a suitable apartment and finding our way around the place.

Once back on the road, heading east, Mim's focus returned. She quickly found her footing.

The road to Spencer's Island is a twisty turning one, during which the last 1/2 hour is a slower up and down trek along the Parsboro shore. Pastoral with amazingly stunning vistas of the Bay of Chignecto to take your breath away, and it takes every ounce of focus to keep your eyes on the bendy road and not on the view to the left! It is one of my favourite drives, most likely because of the end destination.....a beautiful little sleepy village garnished with fields of wildflowers, lupines and blossoms. Every time we turn off the highway and point our car down shore, I too can feel myself relaxing and getting excited at the same time while driving that piece of Canada.........knowing a big white old farmhouse awaits.

Mim felt exactly the same way, but 100 times more intense EVERY time she drove down the shore. I saw this for the first time during our trip together 20 years ago. As soon as we had turned off the highway at Amherst and began to inch closer to her home, Mim physically and emotionally relaxed. Her tension and anxieties dissolved and floated away. She was going home for a whole summer of reconnecting to her roots.....to a place where she always belonged.

Over the years, especially because we only live a few hours away from the old house, we were able to make the trek often......sometimes almost every weekend when we first moved here. There were a couple of times when I was down there on my own with Mim, though most often other family members would be there as well as summer visitors and other families who called Spencer's Island their summer spiritual home. Beach dinners, lobster feasts, blackberry and raspberry picking, long afternoon reading on the swing on the front porch, birthday parties, anniversaries, swimming and laid back card playing were shared by all, and by all ages. Every morning, coffee was on, as was the CBC radio.........and every morning Mim's brother Max would stop in for a chat and a cup of java.......as would several others. It was a laid back interactive place where Mim resided.

It was her place, left to her by her parents. It was hers alone.............though of course her children, grandchildren and friends..........oh, and her hubby.......were allowed to stay, but for God's sake, don't move anything without permission!! In a world where I believe Mim felt the daily chaos deeply, the home in Spencer's Island was both an escape, a haven, AND the one place where she felt she could be exactly herself! It was where she baked the best blueberry pies, cooked raspberry jam, filled picnic baskets for the beach, stoked the woodstove and read her books.

I remember this trip vividly, as I sit in my home in Fredericton.....a place where I had only expected to put roots down for a couple of years while my husband completed his studies. And yet, we remained.......partly because of our close proximity to Spencer's Island where family and friends helps us develop deeper roots, and partly because once the Maritime air takes hold of your soul............well, you don't want to leave because it does something to your ability to relax and your ability to find a deeper sense of who you really are. I get it...........and I think I began to learn this from Mim as I watched her transformation during that drive 20 years ago.

I could write much about what has transpired since then with Mim. As I stated, she's a complicated intelligent woman. She also struggled with depression and anger most of her life....for her own reasons which she rarely talked about. But, I don't want to write about that today. Those stories will be written later. I want to remember this moment.....a huge milestone and turning point in my life......the beginning of sharing of my life with her youngest son, and my husband. It was a chance for us to really get to know one another before the wedding day.

Early this morning, my Mother in law passed away, just a couple of weeks after her husband died. She had been very ill, and held on longer than anyone expected. It has been very stressful for everyone. Our grief is combined with relief and fatigue as we begin to make plans, so familiar to all involved.

And so it goes..........and life needs to be addressed.......the world never stops as we say good-bye.

This morning as I drove out to a meeting with a friend from work, I noticed the first of the lupines poking out of the ditches.........bright purple and pinks in the wild.........which spread across the fields of the Maritimes. In another week, the lupines will be blooming across the overgrown gardens at the front of the old house in Spencer's Island and in every nook and cranny ditch and field........Mim had a creative knack of being able to pick armloads of lupins, lilacs and phlox and then transform them into wildly expressive bouquets which adorned every room in the house. She loved June.......when it was time to head east to pick the flowers and to find herself again.

It will take a while to figure out many things about Mim and her life......and the choices she made as to how she lived her life. She was complicated......her dry wit, her zinging directness, as well as her personal struggles with her own demons have left us all perplexed as to whether she ever felt that her life was fulfilled.

What I do know, and we all know this......................her smile and her soul opened up whenever she was close to the shore. We will be returning her spirit there to find its way through the fields of lupines and up into her raspberry patch. Then, perhaps she will be at peace, this eternally Nova Scotia girl.

And I will continue to fill the old vases with wild flowers every June........for you Mim.....