window of wonder

“A blessing is a red light that stops you, says ‘No, don’t do it yet, take time, have another look.’ It allows presence to become clear. For our rhythm to be restored, we need some kind of stillness, and a blessing offers this chance, a window of wonder on to what is happening.” John O'Donohue.

__________________________________

 There is nothing more guilt producing than the pleading eyes of my dog Lily when she needs to go outside for her last walk of the night.  Well, she's pretty pathetic during thunderstorms, when fireworks are exploding or some errant  hunter starts blasting his trusty gun at dawn down along the river during duck hunting season.  But, that's fear.  Her stance and glance come from a different place.   She wants protection.   A "take me for a walk" on the other hand, has the energy of a jumpy runner at the starting gate.   Except there are four legs doing the happy dance, and a long wet nose to nudge you towards the front door.

At this time of year, when the bitter winds feel like it's shredding your parka into bits of fluff, Lily's desire to romp outdoors after dark sends rippling shivers from my head to my toes.  It takes all of my reserves to force myself to bundle up and take her out there.    It's WAY worse when I have forgotten to complete this last routine of the day and have already had a long hot bubble bath, put my flannel jammies on and slipped into bed in search of stillness and sleep.

Ah, but the look....... the Labrador lingering look never fades.  It begins to pore into your comfy cozy conscience until the guilt shoves you out from under the puffy duvet, down the hall and into various layers of outdoor gear.  All the while, my lovable dog, who spends her day lazing about snoozing on various pieces of furniture and beds when no one is around to tsk, tsk her, turns into a snow puppy prancing while wagging her long happy tail.  Happy dance!  Happy prance!  

This was the scene the other night as I dutifully pulled my fleecy hat down to my eyes, my shawl under my long wool coat up to over my chin..... cheeks and eyes were all that were visible by the time I opened the front door and stepped into a chill so desperate it originally took my breath away.  It literally freezes the snot in your nose!  Instantly! 

Out we went.....me trudging in my fashionable mukluks, wrapped like a colourful mummy ...... she galloping over snowdrifts like they were wild growing hedges blooming in the summer!

As Lily bounded towards the end of the driveway, I slowly followed along.  It wasn't until I reached the road that I realized a few new centimetres of light fluffy snow had fallen earlier in the evening when it was a little warmer than it was now.  Did you know that sometimes it gets too cold to snow?  The temperature had dropped drastically during the time between snowfall and dog walk.  

Pristine.  Purely untouched powder lay on the street.  Not one foot print nor a tire tread had disturbed it.  We were the first crazy explorers to traipse through the powder.  As Lily ran ahead to attempt her trademark snow angel body rub, I stopped to look at the beautiful scene, and to listen to the muffled silence that only winter offers.  It was a quiet as an ancient prayer spoken inside the heart.  Peaceful as the sound before the first note in a song. 

I stood under the streetlight in front of my home and felt the stillness I had tried to capture inside when I was tucked in bed.  And, as soon as I felt this wave wander comfortably through me, I saw the artistry all around me, realizing right away that I had been given the gift of a blessing.  For on the new fallen white velvet were millions of winter diamonds shimmering a greeting.  Because the temperatures had dropped so drastically, the top layer of the snow had formed into glistening crystals that captured the light and reflected it up to my eyes.  

Irridescent glitter acting as minute mirrors startled into a rhythmic dance by the bitter cold air swirling above captivated my newfound gaze.  When I took a step, these clear gems delightfully jiggled all around me.  When we walked beyond the streetlight, they still sparkled as brilliantly as the stars above.  Perhaps they were pieces of fallen stars.....?  These beautiful sequins on white velvet opened the window of wonder just for me.  And I almost missed the red light.  I almost missed the blessing displayed outside on a cold January night.  Luckily I have a dog with pleading eyes...... She is a blessing too.

what is right? how do i get there?

(sunset from my front yard, may 2009, kodak instamatic 124)

I was told..
"We did the right thing."

contemplate, concentrate
choices abound, answers unfound
making a decison,
a sleepless indecision
why can't i settle down?

formulate, celebrate
say a vow, take a bow
formulation, transformation
move along with change......
tick, tock, tick, tock.......tell me how

certainty aligned?
uncertainty is blind...

you did the right thing....you really did.
yes...I did, didn't I?

rationalize, harmonize
last resort, no retort
ease the pain, swallow shame
wasted time, bitter crime
anger rising, temper short

tears expressed, such a mess
I did the right thing.....I think.
I did, didn't I?

Uncertainty causes stressssssssssss
uncertainty is life undressed

hesitation, protestation
saving grace, saving face
sad relief, fainting grief
lessen stress, its anyone's guess
when we finally find resolution.

back off, I need the space....
a whiskey soaked pace
'cause i ain't there yet.

WE DID THE RIGHT THING?
WHY DOES IT FEEL SO WRONG?

lonely fears, silent jeers
finger pointing....you're disappointing.....
deny, deny, deny
i'm trying to stay afloat here!

THESE are the best of times?
they're the only times i've ever known....

happiness, happiness,

it's the greatest feeling i want to possess....
repress, digress, eat less, wild guess, obsess, don a dress
humour seems pointless
or not....

intellectualize, harmonize
think before you leap
displace it all
suppress the fall
coping skills dont sleep.

Adaptation...
just another word for grieving....
one tearslippery rung at a time....
Why is it that most choices we make in life either don't feel to good, or don't live up to our expectations?
Why is it that some choices refresh old wounds?
Why is it that some choices hurt the ones we love even more?
Why does it takes so damn long to emotionally catch up with the brain driven decision???

Adaptation...learning how to cross thresholds into blue yonders takes practise I guess. Making some of life's decisions takes guts to recognize just exactly what need you are intending to fulfill....to know what you WANT...and then to know when to jump off the regret train, and move on.

you're doing the right thing
doing the right thing
the right thing
right thing
thing.....?

ahem....now what was that thing i did so right? Looks like I repressed it so deeply I can't even remember what it was all about.

ps.....this post was spurred on by this article...longitudinal research on how a healthy adaptation process, using effective (as opposed to neurotic, which we all know well....) coping mechanisms and problem solving skills can lead one to an emotional resolution, consequently will lead the way to a feeling of happiness. Or not.... The conclusion is yours to make.

gracie update....

If I had a degree in canine psychology, I would be able to correctly diagnose the psychopathic ruminants my puppy suffers from. Unfortunately, I only have the background in homo sapien brainwave behaviour to go by, so I don't know exactly what makes Gracie tick....or is it tock? What I do know, and my gut has informed me of this since the first week she moved in and took over is that we are dealing with one crazed whacked out yellow lab. This house hasn't been the same. This house is a wreck. And the people in this house? Sleep deprived and shoeless. It's a good thing warmer weather is on the horizon.....and it's a good thing that even though it's still chilly out I can wear sandals because my middle aged thermometer allows me to.......because I HAVE NO WINTER SHOES LEFT! (she has just found my crocs........AGAIN.....as I write this and is have a tumbling wrestle with the damn things!!)

Every single piece of furniture has chew marks in it....every rug has a few strands missing. There are smudgy nose prints on the window where she has tried to bash through it to go after a squirrel or a bird or heaven forbid another dog being walked nicely down our street. Glass means nothing to her. If you leave anything of importance on a side table.....forget about it. If you leave the bathroom door open, you might as well say good bye to the toilet paper.....it's strewn all through the dining room. Nothing is sacred. I even have chew holes in my favourite bra.....right some sexy, let me tell you.

She inhales everything, including her dogfood. Like a Hoover, she wolfs down her breakfast in one gallop and then proceeds to pass the most disgustingly rancid GAS! She is the living breathing belching farting dog from hell. And if you decide you want to sleep in a little bit, forget about it! She'll find you..........and take a flying leap up onto the bed with no thought of where she will land. She doesn't give a shit. The head, the legs, the butt......wherever she lands is fine with her. There are absolutely no boudaries with this pup. She's in your face, in your space taking over it ALL.


Gracie is a hoarder and a strong one at that. She also likes to rearrange stuff. She will somehow sneak downstairs or into a bedroom and proceed to collect one item at a time and pull it into the living room. Most of the time, she doesn't ruin it.....she just wants it in the living room, OR even more fun....she just wants you to chase her around the house to get it from her. This morning alone (and it's only 7:30 AM!!!) I have retrieved....

one wine bottle
one pair of Vans
one RAZOR
the bathmat
the bathtub plug (ok, now the bathroom door is closed!)
a pencil case
the Life section of Saturday's Globe and Mail
two plastic bags, shredded
a lighter
two pairs of undies


You'd think that I live in a messy state around here with all of those items within doggie reach. But, I don't! She seeks and retrieves.


I have unravelled her dog lead twice from my weigela bush after she began HOWLING outside at 6:30 am.


I have cleaned her paws after she dug another fresh hole in my garden


And I have rescued a disgustingly muddy chew bone she somehow managed to sneak back into the house and bury under the seat cushion of the leather wing back chair.


Right now? She's trying to wrestle with our older dog Lily who had quietly snuck down to my bedroom when I got up this morning and tucked herself onto the duvet at the bottom of the bed. My husband is still "sleeping..." in that same bed. I wish him a hearty good luck!


We have tried.....we have tried.......


Last Sunday, friends dropped in to surprise me with a pot of pansies. They are dog people and have their own Black lab named Norm. So, they are comfortable around canine capers. Norm, btw, is afraid of her.....and for good reason!!!!!! She has beaten the crap out of Norm even as a little puppy!!! My friend have even included Gracie in their invitations to their home too....have in fact had her at their house during a few potluck gatherings.........we all took turns on Gracie alert around the food. Sometimes we were lucky...sometimes we lost portions of the meal.


Anyways.....we're sitting in the living room catching up on stuff, and Gracie the attention seeking whacko jumps up beside our friend Jim, somehow gets behind him on the couch and proceeds to try to wrestle him with her paws around his neck and her big goofy head peering over. As hard as Jim tried, he couldn't get Gracie to obey..... she thought it was fun. In fact the harder you try to be the "ALPHA" the more turned on she gets.


She knows NO boundaries. This dog is all emotion....all impulsive, expressive emotion. She hyper-alert too.....to a point where she is a huge danger to herself and others...... (tries to attack the windshield wipers in the van, tries to jump out at cars passing by while forcefully sitting in the front seat ..... ). We are a travelling family. This dog can't handle even a trip to the store.


I'm tired....we've tried....we're all tired.


She's not too swift either.....just the other day, when Jamie had the dogs out for a run, Gracie went full force head first into a large boulder right in front of her. She bounced off it and kept going. Not swift or agile. Honest to God, this dog bumps into everything. She couldn't catch a ball in her mouth if her life depended on it. However, if she gets it in her brainstem she wants to jump into the swollen river with big hunks of ice in it thats flowing faster than you could catch a piece of flotsam floating by.....if she wants to bolt off her leash (we've been through 6 of them) to run up to the highway, if she wants to roll in something completely disgusting and then tear back into the house to smear it all over your couch........this puppy is ADHD WHACKED!



So, after great big sighs and many many conversations between ourselves, with our friends, and even with the folks at Bark Busters (who you gonna call???) after many stops and starts......after attempts to channel the "Dog Whisperer" we finally surrendered to the fact that she can't stay with us. We have tried. She is nuts. She needs more attention than we can give her.


Yesterday, I drove over to the SPCA to talk to them. We thought it may be the avenue to go....they would know someone who lives on a large piece of property, who is home all day....who could perform a few miracles on her. They were mean and unhelpful.....judgemental too. They don't take any dogs except strays, tried to lecture me on the personality of a Labrador Retriever (ahem....I have lived through two Lab puppies thank you very much). I ended up returning to my van so pissed off at these holier than thou eeejits and determined to never donate a single dog bone their way again. I just wanted their help for God's sake.


I came home and quickly took some photos....which of course wasn't a quick exercise. Gracie doesn't sit still unless she's asleep splayed on her back with her legs wide open and that's not pretty. Finally got some decent pics and posted an ad on a local online site........... FREEEEEEEE to Good home.... Well, within 1/2 an hour, I had an email from a guy in town who had a two year old Lab mix and was interested in getting another as a friend for his poochie. We made arrangements to meet here.... and it all looked good. He came over with his dog, who has crazed Border Colllie in her (good sign....very active.....) and after a while, he asked if he could take Gracie home with him for the night to see how she interacted there. Since we knew him kind of through mutual connections and since we were having friends over for dinner who are afraid of Gracie, we promptly said SURE!!!!


Off they went. He was the perfect person for Gracie.... I told my husband if this didn't work out, we were screwed because it meant she was far more nuts than we thought.... He agreed.


Two hours later? A phone call......... "Hi. Ummmmmm..... Gracie attacked my dog and drew blood. I don't think this is going to work..... I'm really sorry. She was great at the dog park. She was friendly with my sister and my family. She even walk on the lead and obeyed. But, she doesn't like my dog."


"OMG! " I said..... " I am so sorry. She's never done that at someone else's house. She's quite territorial around here, but I didn't think that would happen. Bring her home.... I'm so sorry!!"


She came bounding in, went straight for the dining room table, jumped up, scarfed down a big hunk of chicken, trotted into the living room, bounced up on the couch and scared the living breath out of the company. "I'm back!!!!!!"


oh goodie!!! We laughed. What else could we do?


This morning.... as I have been writing this post, 4 new emails have arrived with questions.


"Is Gracie good with other dogs?"


"Does she like children?"


"Can you give me more details about her? Is she still available?"


Where do I begin? How come no one's asked if she likes to belch and fart and roll in roadkill? How come no one wants to know if she can shred newpapers and eat glasses, and suck back a tube of toothpaste? How do I reply, as I hear her drinking from the toilet in the bathroom that I SWEAR I closed the door on?


How about............."I can't tell you how much we love her......"


We're going to miss her. But, we need our sanity to return. Wish us luck....and Gracie too.

Sweet Amazing Gracie

Ahhhhh.....how could you ever walk away from such an adorable little puppy face? Sweet surrendering brown eyes.......Well, guess what? You can't. Why? Because she comes bounding after you with a demonic growl intent on piercing your latest nylons, pyjama bottoms, coat, or even your stiff striped rubber boots. She can't leave well enough alone, our Gracie.

You don't believe me do you? Look at her! She's a monster, all curled up and sleeping after a good chomping romp dreaming of catching squirrels and eating unmentionables. You just want to pick her up, put her on your lap and stroke her puppy belly. I dare you to put your face close to hers.......she'll nip your nose and grab at your earrings! Our sweet Gracie isn't a lap dog, oh no! She's a defiant sassy canine who devours dried up pigs ears in one scarfing like it was one piece of kibble. She inhales her dinner and slops up her water and then promptly PEES on our other dog, Lily's bed while staring you down!
Ah, but who can resist the puppy paws, all soft and stumbly? At lunchtime today during our midday walk, Gracie bounded down the street after Lily only to hit a patch of thick slush and splayed out in a ballet move similar to Bambi on ice. My heart leapt for her. "Poor little thing," I thought, "just learning how to manoeuver winter's wonder".....well, until she promptly got up and bounded at me in attack mode! yeah, yeah she just wanted to play puddle jumping with the Mistress. I WAS DRESSED FOR WORK!! Oh well, I've gone to work with baby yuks strewn on the shoulder of my suit jacket before, what's a bunch of dirty paws on the trench coat?

Evidence of her lovely sweetness......the "playful" attack on the Lady of the house....Miss Lily, who up until this fall was a calm reliable friend who never left the front yard on her own, who never growled and would let any sticky fingered snot nosed kid to climb all over her. Afraid of the dark, loud noises, and her own shadow, Lily has never needed a leash even on a busy street. However, she has found her inner alpha dog........and as much as it goes against her Quaker like persona, she has had to resort to some intense TEACHING.

Unfortunately, this seems to happen in the middle of my living room which has just about been trashed completely. Every piece of wicker is munched.....sticks and chewed up errant pencils, torn up tissues, boxes and mittens......shoes too........all seem to get dragged into the munched up rugs. All pales in comparison to how much grief poor Lily has endured.......and embarrassment too! This puppy has no boundaries or proprieties.........

We never knew Lily could make a face like that! And believe it or not, they were playing. In fact while I was taking these photos this evening, everytime the camera would make a ding sound, Gracie would stop and pounce on me as I sat on the floor. Then as I was laughing at her shocking energy pointed at me, she would turn back to poor Lily and pounce on her again.

Sweet, irreverant, a pain in the ass puppy. Maybe one day she'll live up to her name? If she doesn't I may be the first one charged with strangling Grace.

Sweet dreams.............and may we never judge a book by it's cover ever again.

The thematic photography prompt this week over at Carmi's site is sweet..... For more sugary pics, click here.

Gracie.

I have a new buddy sitting with me this morning as I write. She's curled up around my back on the couch having puppy dreams after waking at 4 am alone in her new crate anxious and LOUD. Her name is Gracie. She's a yellow labrador/golden retriever mix just like our other dog. She came home with us two nights ago after we learned that she needed a home. Every one of her limbs is touching me...her head tucked into my side.....in need of reassurance.

Gracie is only 7 weeks old, and was taken from her mom too early at 6 weeks. During that week, she was well loved and obviously well fed, the little chubbo, but her new owners have a son who turned out to be allergic to her. So, she had joined this family..........one who is used to shedding dogs and one who had been looking for a while for just the right fit.

As much as we had been keeping our eye out for a puppy, however, it happened so quickly and it happened at a time of year when we are moving into the cold weather as opposed to out of it, which makes it more difficult for training etc. Like most things in life, finding the right timing rarely occurs. If I've learned anything about becoming a parent and being a parent is that timing is a lost concept. Sometimes you just have to jump in with both feet and go with the ride.

Welcome to our family Gracie. Take your lessons from Lily. She knows how to stay on the good side of the humans.

I must be out of my mind.............



or not........... isn't she adorable? But, man she's got big paws!!