Wednesday, June 10, 2009

the vanity of a delusion

There is a cloudy film on her internal lens that smears her vision. It wasn't always there. It developed over years of trying to escape the painful truth ..... the same truth she continues to turn her attention away from and instead towards seducing a chimerical notion.
She never felt loved. She never felt worthy of it. These messages, which she heard inside her head over and over again until they echoed with quickening vibrations like the high pitched cry of a collicky baby. Whether this was the truth or not, it didn't matter. Haunted and hunted, this message became her acidic reality....one that poked holes in her snared heels where her soul drained out. It left her an empty chasm in need of vital attention only restored when she consumed her thoughts with pleasuring. Pleasuring herself. Fed by a powerful anger that simmered under black latex protection, her wants overheated logical thinking and left her salivating in her own ruminations. She set her sights and never turned away.
over and over and over.....
the same self talk....
messages created by an imagination gone awry
over and over and over.....
until she was completely convinced.
Most of the time, she packaged her unrelenting hunger to be recognized as worthy by ensuring that others around her perceived her actions as self-less, helpful, innocently offered. She was a giver! Many only saw her outer persona as socially capable and always giving of herself. Like a flimsy house of cards, however, her projected life was only an illusion. She knew it somewhere deep down in her subconcious, but she had convinced herself so intensely that the fallacies were rooted in rich soil. They were real, NOT fantasy. She held onto this belief......

When anyone questioned the contradictions she portrayed, she was able to sway them somewhat with her fabrications or poked her finger into their triggerpoints. She protected her stories by learning to embrace the role of the martyr .... a victim of the bile of others. Her answers to others were never exactly the same, though they had one thing in common: they were vaguely written perambulations which never answered the questions.
Her bewildering lies soon became her truth. It was like living inside a blender where there was absolutely no way of knowing what the original ingredients were or of what was natural or artificial flavouring. The more someone questioned, the more incensed she would become that someone wouldn't believe in her soft downy innocence. Even with evidence foisted under her twitching nose, she would never relent....never let down her guard to admit that she was a product of a delusion.

Sadly, more and more saw the picture she painted as a mirage until the early life message she convinced herself was true, that she was unloved, became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Her vanity fanned delusions took her full circle. But, she would never admit that failure to herself. Oh, no! She wasn't wrong!! She hadn't created the mess!! Instead, she blamed everyone else for being so screwed up that they would NEVER understand how much she sacrificed and how much she deserved her pleasures.



Hmmm......I wonder if she should consider running as a candidate in the next election?? She seems to have the right kind of profile.

6 comments:

Gilly said...

Yes, I've met people like that. And I'm ashamed to say I can see a wee bit of me there, too. Only a bit - I am not a martyr!

And I'm not standing for electin to anything!

But people like that do- and get in!!

Awareness said...

Gilly...I think we all have a wee bit of delusional stuff inside us dont you? I'm totally convinced that I still have 20 year old perky breasts and refuse to believe otherwise! :)
Oh, and sometimes I trick myself into believing I am the reincarnation of a fairy princess....but only when no one's paying attention to me.

The whole martyr thing is creepy, but it also leads to recklessness in behaviour. Eventually, a person who is truly delusional beyond the little whims we have trips themselves up because they have spun so many stories and lies....PLUS I don't think you can live wearing a mask forever unless of course its sociopathic.

The type of delusional behaviour that fascinates me are the "fatal attraction" types who completely come across as relatively normal and yet obsess and stalk and twist stories as a means to deny their behaviour. There are some deep issues under that kind of psyche.

Then, there are the whacked out politicians who seem to completely lose their grounding and begin to believe they are invincible and start doing things that are unacceptable as an elected official. This seems to be an epidemic in the UK right now, but even in good old little colonial Fredericton, the stories and antics and escapades I have been privy to hear about even make the hair on my neck stand up!!

Marja said...

As expected you have a good insight in the human psyche. Is projection not a very common defense mechanism? Although delusion is probably an extreme

Awareness said...

Marja...After more than 20 years of dealing with my SIL, this one was easy to write! Though it took me a very very long time to figure out what was going on. Like many delusional people, she was able to keep it intact and to her advantage even with the people closest to her. Finally her true colours came out....and yes, there has been a lot of "projection."

Like anyone who is emotionally manipulative and who try to play one person off another, eventually their true colours do appear. Sadly by then relationships are blown to bits.

paulwchambers said...

how right you are, blown to bits...

you seem to be in the zone right now - I sadly recognise this animal....

Awareness said...

Kapow!

Sadly, its an awful lot to swallow all at once when you first realize just how messed up the person is and how claustrophobic their behaviour makes you feel. It's like trying to pull away from being attached to crazy glue.