acceptance and easing the pain........

"A neurotic is someone who worries about things in the past that never happened. Not like us normal people who only worry about things in the future that won't happen" Anthony de Mello

Last Sunday, I woke up with a small pain in my back. It felt like a tightened muscle and it continued to worsen until I ended up wincing in pain everytime I moved the wrong way or tilted my head down. By Thursday I found myself drugged up, in bed laying on a heating pad. Its always surprising how your body can physically inform you that there's too much stuff going on in your head isn't it? Whether it's a cold or a headache or its a pain in your neck, your body will let you know that it's time to figure it out again.

The past two weeks have been whirlwindish. Since the New Year bells tolled I have jumped right back into a very busy and emotionally pulsing work environment. Several counselling sessions, facilitating a two day meeting for a group who had never met before, planning a workshop, writing reports, working on a proposal have filled my days, along with preparing for a job interview, writing a 3 hour french proficiency test and being assessed in an oral french proficiency test which I worried incessantly about throughout the whole Christmas season. None of this even touches on my home life!

When things are busy like that, I usually tackle it by staying on task and in the moment. What was different this time around was the fact that I have been focused on the future as I try to seek out a new job as well as completing the day to day tasks.

Moving forward, but feeling very stuck........ does that make sense? It's like I have a pair of rubber boots on and have just walked into a big puddle of muck........the strain of trying to pull out of the muck did a number on my back.

So, with the help of muscle relaxants, music, time and permission (my own) to drop out of life for a day or so I turned off the work switch and let my family look after me and themselves. When I was able to sit up again, instead of reaching for the novel I had started reading, I found myself gravitating back to a book entitled, Praying Naked, which I had read a while back that is filled with the insights of the late Father Anthony de Mello, author of several books including Awareness. It was like I was reading it for the first time because I was reading it with different set of eyes and a different frame of mind. I had moved emotionally, spiritually and psychologically since my first go around.

My last two posts have been generated by this book..........

The more I read, the more I realized how silly it is to overwhelm yourself with frets and worries about the future. I struggle with my lack of patience. I struggle with being a control freak. If I could only remember that I can only do what I can do and let go of the rest of the muck and just let life run it's course.

let life run it's course..........

That doesnt mean I have to hand over the reins completely. It means that I need to be more cognizant that there truly are some things which I have no control over. It means that if your feet are in one place and your head is in another, your back is going to hurt. There's no point in keeping your thoughts in the future if you want to enjoy the present.

A stillness did find me again. By Saturday, the back pain disappeared. And as I write this tonight, on the eve of yet another busy week, I try to stay on task right here and now and not fret about what MAY or MAY not happen between now and next Sunday...... because anything can happen right?

What's that serenity poem again.........??