definately barefoot in spirit
A friend asked me recently when had I returned to the church. Given that we were having a amiable conversation about religion, this was a legitimate question. Anyone listening to us would've assumed that I have taken a baptismal dunk into the river.....that I had reached some personal conclusion about where I stand with respect to my beliefs. My writing sometimes seems to cut right to that place of worship. My reading interests have most definately changed to a more inclusive look at Christianity. My conversations, even with the people I'm counselling seems to have altered, simply because my thinking is more receptive to the topic.
My answer? It now seems like a broken record..........."I am comfortable figuring it out on my own, right now. I have my whole life to figure it out." I'm beginning to think this sounds like a cop out.
I am most definately seeing my world around me with a different lens and am happily willing to accept that a leap of faith may bring an acceptable answer to some of the occurances around me which before required a more specific, more scientific answer.
Doubt has lessened.
Leaping has increased.
Possibilities have opened up
But am I willing to commit?
What holds me back from crossing into a more secular lifestyle of regular church going, hymn singing, psalm reading attendance?
I don't like to follow along in a congregational pack? yes.
I slip into my own writing mode on Sunday mornings where I can independently consider certain topics connected to faith. yup.
I still have doubts that I feel compelled to figure out before I make any formal commitment? uhuh.
I'm not good at keeping it together while singing hymns. partially.........
I'm not looking for another membership to add to my life. I really don't like joining groups. affirmative.
Fear...............? hmmmmmmm....... is it fear?
If I am honest, it's probably the same fear which keeps me in a holding pattern with moving forward with my writing. Both of these pursuits re-emerged at the same time a couple of years ago, and now they seem to go hand in hand.........more than that, they are intertwined, holding each other up, supporting and feeding each other. So, you'd think this would give me the fortitude to pull it together enough to at least make a more committed step in one of the venues.
What is it that I'm afraid of?
It has been said that we are all afraid to reach the end of our lives only to find out that we didn't matter.........that we never left a footprint as our legacy. These two pursuits hold such meaning for me. I guess I'm afraid that if they don't work out that perhaps my life will end up being a bust. Better to stay in the comfort zone than move out into the open to take that risk?
What if I don't fit as a church going person committed to God? What if I can't find a place to call home? I do like a sense of barefoot reverence. I'm not a good lemming. I can't swallow something even if I'm told it's good for me. Can a misfit like me move from the fray and find a place where I feel like a belong? Jesus likes the Ragamuffins, but is there really a place for us
in the formal structure of the church? What if it just doesn't live up to my expectations?
I am more clear about what I want to do with it and where I would like to go with it than my religion. But, what if I pull it all together and send it out to publishing land and then nothing happens? Would I be able to handle that rejection? I want my writing to be my future...........I want it so much that it seems to stop me from going for it. Is my timing right? Is the type of writing I do publishable? It makes my head hurt second guessing myself as I sit in stall mode.
As much as I am a strong individualist who does many things in my life on my own, independent of others.... As much as I am fully aware that I am a leader, that others perceive me as that, that it is expected of me..... As much as I am confident in my decision making, my creative problem solving, my vision and ideas, for some reason I feel this unrelenting need for someone to take the lead on both of these journeys. It would be so wonderful to have someone call me up and say..........."Hey! Let me help you here. I know how to do this................."
Are you there God, it's me Muskie.............I could really use some help here. And could you bring me a few kleenexes? I think I hit the nail on the head. My cheeks are all of a sudden soaked.