What corner of the boxing ring are you in? Is it just me, or are there more and more opinions and more and more books out this spring on the trials and tribulations of momma - hood?
There are the author "gurus" who fly in your face shouting their opinion that your career and your personal pursuits are the most fulfilling aspect of your life. The kids are resilient, and they'll respect you in the morning .................well not really, because chances are, you've already left for work before they wake. Then, there is the other side of the boxing ring punching out the opposite message: Stay at home, for the sake of the children. If you don't fully attend to their every need........ if you aren't there to wipe every snotty nose, read them their favourite books 100 times over .... if you arent there to make them home cooked meals, they will turn into serial killers.
Give me a flipping break.
You know what all Mommas have in common, no matter where on the bizarre continuum they find themselves? Guilt. We can't win.
Or can we?
For some reason, I have had a few conversations lately with different neighbourhood and school connected Moms. And, the schism between the two groups ...............working moms and stay at home moms ........... is definately real. And it bothers me. Understandably, there are varying differences of opinion and perspectives on the choices that individual Moms have made. Consequently, there is an underlying feeling sometimes that there is a sense of judgement happening. In other words, it's not often what is said .......... it's the message that is left unsaid.
For example, the other day, a mother approached me at a birthday party to ask me about summer camp programs I was considering for my son. She is a stay at home mom, and I have crossed paths with her on various playgrounds, soccer pitches, fundraisers and birthday parties and discussed concerns about the present crappy teacher that yells at all the kids in her class (our sons included) most days because, well......... she's a crappy yeller teacher with tenure or some such thing. Over the past 4 years, we have never really talked at length about anything except our kids. So, I launched into a list of various campy options, which led to her realizing that I use the camps as childcare for part of the summer, and not just for entertainment value. And you know what? She then started talking to me about the importance of kids being able to hang out at home for the whole 2 months and that they are really busy all winter, but they always have dinner together. That's what's best.
How did the conversation jump from her asking for information, me trying to give it, and then her not so cryptic lecture/self validation thing on her role as mom home with the kids? All of a sudden, I'm justifying my freaking choices by telling her that I "buy" vacation time so that I am home for a at least a good solid three weeks of the summer.......... blah dee blah dee blah ............. guilt................ and I'm thinking to myself .............. don't tell me about being busy, lady! Try juggling full time career, mom, cheerleader/taxi driver, cook, and snot wiper.
Neither side is right or wrong. Neither side is pretty. And, the impasse gets wider. The more interesting conversations on books and news and thoughts and ideas never get discussed because we are always feeling this guilt motivated urge to justify ourselves.
AND............. why is this not an issue for full time career DADS? We'll leave that for another blog post.
It's time to put away the pettiness and move onto respecting and accepting our own choices and needs. It's time to get over the guilt. The choices I make? I am a better Mother because I work. However, I can be the type of Mom I am because I have also made provisions. My career path is paced in a way that I am not on some trajectory upward movement. I refuse to work the gazillion hours that it would take to do that. I would rather be able to leave my office and attend a soccer game, or a choirfest, or a school function. I also live in a place where I can get to my kids if they need me in 10 minutes ............... these are my choices. I also have a husband who is super attentive and equally shares in the caring of our children and in the stuff that has to be done at home. I know I'm lucky. But, these are my choices. No one elses.
If a woman decides to work those gazillion hours, and has a high-falutin' career with lots of travel and commitments, fine! If a woman decides to stay home to provide for her family full-time. Fine! If a woman decides to work part-time while her children are at school............good on ya!
Let's just get over the guilt, can we? Let's start being more respectful of our well thought out decisions ............... Our kids will be better for it. You know what else would happen? We can get to those much more interesting conversations where we can actually share our wonderful thoughts and ideas!
There are the author "gurus" who fly in your face shouting their opinion that your career and your personal pursuits are the most fulfilling aspect of your life. The kids are resilient, and they'll respect you in the morning .................well not really, because chances are, you've already left for work before they wake. Then, there is the other side of the boxing ring punching out the opposite message: Stay at home, for the sake of the children. If you don't fully attend to their every need........ if you aren't there to wipe every snotty nose, read them their favourite books 100 times over .... if you arent there to make them home cooked meals, they will turn into serial killers.
Give me a flipping break.
You know what all Mommas have in common, no matter where on the bizarre continuum they find themselves? Guilt. We can't win.
Or can we?
For some reason, I have had a few conversations lately with different neighbourhood and school connected Moms. And, the schism between the two groups ...............working moms and stay at home moms ........... is definately real. And it bothers me. Understandably, there are varying differences of opinion and perspectives on the choices that individual Moms have made. Consequently, there is an underlying feeling sometimes that there is a sense of judgement happening. In other words, it's not often what is said .......... it's the message that is left unsaid.
For example, the other day, a mother approached me at a birthday party to ask me about summer camp programs I was considering for my son. She is a stay at home mom, and I have crossed paths with her on various playgrounds, soccer pitches, fundraisers and birthday parties and discussed concerns about the present crappy teacher that yells at all the kids in her class (our sons included) most days because, well......... she's a crappy yeller teacher with tenure or some such thing. Over the past 4 years, we have never really talked at length about anything except our kids. So, I launched into a list of various campy options, which led to her realizing that I use the camps as childcare for part of the summer, and not just for entertainment value. And you know what? She then started talking to me about the importance of kids being able to hang out at home for the whole 2 months and that they are really busy all winter, but they always have dinner together. That's what's best.
How did the conversation jump from her asking for information, me trying to give it, and then her not so cryptic lecture/self validation thing on her role as mom home with the kids? All of a sudden, I'm justifying my freaking choices by telling her that I "buy" vacation time so that I am home for a at least a good solid three weeks of the summer.......... blah dee blah dee blah ............. guilt................ and I'm thinking to myself .............. don't tell me about being busy, lady! Try juggling full time career, mom, cheerleader/taxi driver, cook, and snot wiper.
Neither side is right or wrong. Neither side is pretty. And, the impasse gets wider. The more interesting conversations on books and news and thoughts and ideas never get discussed because we are always feeling this guilt motivated urge to justify ourselves.
AND............. why is this not an issue for full time career DADS? We'll leave that for another blog post.
It's time to put away the pettiness and move onto respecting and accepting our own choices and needs. It's time to get over the guilt. The choices I make? I am a better Mother because I work. However, I can be the type of Mom I am because I have also made provisions. My career path is paced in a way that I am not on some trajectory upward movement. I refuse to work the gazillion hours that it would take to do that. I would rather be able to leave my office and attend a soccer game, or a choirfest, or a school function. I also live in a place where I can get to my kids if they need me in 10 minutes ............... these are my choices. I also have a husband who is super attentive and equally shares in the caring of our children and in the stuff that has to be done at home. I know I'm lucky. But, these are my choices. No one elses.
If a woman decides to work those gazillion hours, and has a high-falutin' career with lots of travel and commitments, fine! If a woman decides to stay home to provide for her family full-time. Fine! If a woman decides to work part-time while her children are at school............good on ya!
Let's just get over the guilt, can we? Let's start being more respectful of our well thought out decisions ............... Our kids will be better for it. You know what else would happen? We can get to those much more interesting conversations where we can actually share our wonderful thoughts and ideas!
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