Somebody Closer.....

I wrote most of these lyrics last year, and have always wanted to finish the piece.  Interestingly, I tried on several occasions to get it right.  But, the circumstances and my headspace would allow for it.  Until now.  

You know, I think we all have a yearning kind of love song inside our souls..... maybe even more than one.  we'll see.  

My Somebody Closer

Just poured a second cup of coffee,

Waiting for the dawn

I'm filled with haunting memories

In the body of our song

Of a day so long forgotten

In the rippling of the years

I'm lost in your soft expression

Trying to hold back my tears.

______

Can you be my somebody closer

Instead of a figment in my dreams

Or will you haunt my waking everyday

Your laughing eyes unseen

I want to live out our memories

Our love captured in the breeze

This is my early morning yearning

Please set my heart at ease.

________

We walked away in silence

too young to see ahead

No fairy tale ending binds us

Our separate ways instead

Yet through the fog of lonely

I see your shadow on my soul

I'm aching for your fingers touch

Your roughworn hand to hold.

______

Can you be my somebody closer
Instead of a figment in my dreams
Or will you haunt my waking everyday
Your laughing eyes unseen
I want to live out our memories
Our love captured in the breeze
This is my early morning yearning
Please set my heart at ease. 

_______

On days when I am busy

On days when peace alights

I feel a stirring you're still near me

Like you're just within my sights

Then, I look up and all around me

Your real presence isn't true

Our lives unfolded separately 

Yet my heart's still yearns for you.

 ____________________

Can you be my somebody closer
Instead of a figment in my dreams
Or will you haunt my waking everyday
Your laughing eyes unseen
I want to live out our memories
Our love captured in the breeze
This is my early morning yearning
Please set my heart at ease. 

sleeping dragons

This morning, I tried to pray in my own crazy convoluted way, but my imagination got the best of me.  All of a sudden, my attempts at prayer were interrupted by intrusive thoughts and hard feelings.  Pretty soon, my imagination  saw them as sleeping dragons... Hence, this perambulation filtered out of me instead.  

I thought if I could capture the wildness of my morning wrestle, it would provide some insight. I think it did. Maybe?  Who the heck knows.  It made for a more interesting awakening on a cold winter day. 

______________________________________

 Silence on a January morning has such a different feel to it than it does in May.  In actuality, silence doesn't exist  when May dawns.  The whole atmosphere is alive with birdsong and blooms.  May is a loud mouth busy time of external growth......... wide-eyed bright even before the sun has revealed one ray.  Whereas, the quietness at the height of hibernation is fettered by layers of inner meaning. January is dark.  Even in daylight. Even when the sun has opened her arms as wide as she can, January bleeds memories into empty cups. It is a time of reflection and replenishing.

In January, growth resides deep inside the holiness of the soul, where seeds still encased by a protective shell wait patiently to be discovered, analyzed, fertilized. Invisible to the naked eye, but not to the contemplative mind. This morning, I sat inside the coven of winter's landscape where silence awakens the sleeping dragons who guard the seeds like they are rare diamonds..... the frighening, needy dragons who project distorted shadows intended to make you feel inconsequentially tiny. Vulnerable.

I listened to the echo of my meditative footsteps and realized there was no other means of travel when it came to slipping past the dragons.  I attempted a tiptoe kind of walk in furry slippers..... the comfortable ones that save you from the bone chill resonance of their freshly irritated drafty snore. Completely inappropriate footwear for any outdoor exploring, but the very best for inside steps. Cozy slippers to ward off sleeping dragons. And a blanket wrapped around me to ward of the chill.  My feet were safe, my body was safe......but my silent presence still disturbed those refreshed serpent yearnings that billow out breath by breath.......that bumped into me, making me feel uncomfortable.

Vulnerable, Uncomfortable......

hmmm....growth resides there doesn't it, my emerald friend Pip???

No matter how much I wanted to break through into a warm harpsound of reassurance, the dragons had to be acknowledged.  For as much as they seem to be an obstacle to learning, in actuality, they hold the answers to some of life's dark mysteries.  Scary monsters who make you feel stark raving lonely and unarmed in fuzzy slippers,  they hold the instructions on how to uncase the seeds.  The seeds of new awareness.  I kept wishing they didn't have to be so frighteningly harsh or butt ugly. 

As they stirred in unison, making a hellish noise, I grabbed hold of my senses again and thought back on a place.... a Soulspace kind of place when I was confronted before and had somehow managed to GROW past these fire breathing sentinels.  It was then that I remembered the key to reaching that destination where one can flirt with inner meaning.  You have to surrender.  Not wrestle.  You have to let go and let in.......... the feelings, the thoughts, the noise, the fire breathing yearnings..... and allow them to be a part of the process, not the barrier.

So, I invited those dragons, now awake and needing to be fed, to join me in seeking out those encased seeds deep in the holiness of my soul.  It turned out, they were delighted to be acknowledged, to be validated.  Who knew?? Still, their honesty nipped at my exposed flesh, and slapped me on the cheeks. But, I took it.  I stayed with them even though I was feeling really shaky and unsure about their messages.  Before i knew it however, the January darkness lifted its veil.... just a peak, but enough to offer that harpsound reassurance I was looking for..... enough to touch me with new courage to take a few more steps with my new dragon posse.

Then, they told me a secret...... they informed me that they are really a part of me!  Those frighteningly harsh butt ugly dragons weren't a separate entity.  They weren't the enemy.  They were a part of who I am.... the shadowy section of the unknown.  As they spoke, they opened up their gnarly claws.  Nestled inside the unclenched crevices were a claw full of diamonds.  rough ones.  in need of polish.   I accepted their rough diamonds, sat down and began to polish them.  I could hear the music being strummed, reassuring me once again that sleeping dragons don't need to be feared.  They just want to be heard like we all do.

Advent

The lists grow longer.  The energy begins to falter.  The head fills up with competing urgencies. Lost in the melee is the meaning and the magic. Peace is only a fleeting essence, an aromatic stream that wafts between the draughts of our consciousness when we grab onto a moment of stillness.  Can you remember what peace feels like?

Breathe.  Stretch those fleeting moments into focus by shedding the lists, the conflictual emotions of this time of year, which tangle mindfulness.  Let them linger long enough to lift you up above the mountain of tasks until you can touch upon the meaning of the season.  Better yet, let peace surround you in a cocoon of wonder while you prepare the way.  If its all around, you will absorb it into your pores like a much needed salve.

These are my thoughts this Sunday morning as I sit in my quiet livingroom.  It was dark when I first woke up and made myself a cup of tea.  Dark and peacefully silent. However, my initial thoughts upon waking were stirred and blurry.  I have much to do and feel swamped by my list of "to dos."

While I waited for the kettle to boil, my barefeet growing cold from the kitchen floor, I decided to take my tea into the livingroom, curl up on the couch under a blanket and simply sit in the peace.  I wanted to breathe evenly again.  It was then I remembered the meaning behind the word breath.  Spirit.  As I inhaled new air, I pictured it full of spirit.  Peace found me again.  So did my smile.

It feels like an impossible juggling act and I'm scrambling to stay on top of the heap unable to go into "autopilot" and just DO IT all!  I realized there is a boxing match happening inside me.  Its like the responsible parent and adult is duking it out with the child.  I want to chuck the lists and go off and have some fun.  But I can't.  I would become a big disappointment to myself and to others.  Responsibilities and commitments are part of life too. The problem is, they can swamp you to a point where they just feel like a heavy burden...... too massive to crawl out from under.

Not that its any different this year than previous years.  December is a busy time even if Christmas didn't fall in the middle of it. Add the preparations of "the big day" to the mix and BAM, it's mind boggling overload at a point when our bodies and souls are aching to hibernate.  I'm sure you can relate.  Balance is completely absent!  Its overwhelming. 

But, you know I think that's part of the bigger picture.  If we don't feel off kilter........if we don't feel uncomfortable and possibly stretched to our breaking point of what we can accomplish in our busy days, than I wonder if we really are pushing into changing our way of doing?  Instead of jumping into the conceived urgencies, perhaps a time away from it to breathe will fuel the energy and clear the head.  Its one way to recognize what really matters.

So I chose to breathe........ and drink tea.  In the dark.  In the quiet.  Away from my panicky lists.  I wanted to capture that peace essence wafting by and I found it in the spirit of my breathing. 

Prayer-fullness, mind-fullness....... peace. 

As we cultivate our awareness of what is on the horizon, may we find the courage to open up our sensitivities to see, hear, feel, taste and touch upon its tenderness. It is a brave and difficult thing to do.  But, if we want to experience the holiness of having our hearts and minds touched we need to breathe in the holiness of being alive.  Alive with the Spirit of  magic and wonder.

Being awake stirs deeply rooted doubts along with our foundational beliefs.  Advent allows us the opportunity to take it one step at a time.  Like the yawning stretch of a new day, when the skies grow lighter with gradual symmetry, so too does our awareness.  So too does our desire to find that child's smile, that child's sense of anticipation and excitement tucked deep inside the many layers of adult sensibilities.

The day is now upon me.  The river continues to flow........its shoreline growing thicker with ice.  The skies have a beautiful tinge of pink to them. The winds which whistled and wailed for two days have died down.  The trees are taking a rest...... their branches stoic and straight are barely moving.  A flock of black birds wingfloated upriver to a place where they spend their daylight.  The rooftops of the homes across the river from where I sit are dappled in new light.  The sun's rays are bathing the red barn which sits off to the side of the snow white field, making it glow.  It glows in new day light and reminds me of a place far far away where a miracle took place. A baby was born.  A pretty darn special One.

Preparing the way just took on a deeper meaning. 

change of light

"I watched the sun as it rises and sets

I watched the moon trace its arc with no regret"

Bruce Springsteen, Kingdom of Days

the view down my street from the end of my driveway.

it's hard to gather from this photo but the piles of snow are

taller than me.

This morning, I fell into a portal of learning and was absorbed by the new and old. I LOVE the information highway!! It fed my need for knowledge and my desire to figure some stuff out that had accumulated after a week of strange and interesting interactions through my counselling work. If it isn't processed and reflected upon to some extent, then it clogs my own safe harbour.

Good thing I needed to put the kettle on again and looked out the kitchen window. Good thing the puppy needed to saunter outside for a morning airing and needed a companion. Good thing I lifted my head up in time. Because what was unfolding as I had my head in my own clouds of trying to figure out the past week, was a present moment gift on the horizon. An impressionistic canvas of colour filled the morning sky. I almost missed a little miracle.

I love the textured billowing of the clouds and the shades of pinks and purples. These two photos are untouched. The sky this morning was exactly as it is shown here. Can you see the little heart window in the picture below? I wonder where it leads?


"Sing away, sing away, sing away, sing away

Sing away, sing away, my darling, we'll sing away

This is our kingdom of days

This is our kingdom of days"

Springsteen, Kingdom of Days

Winter's sunrises are always spectacular. I think God intended it that way to lift us a little out of the bleak landscape every now and then, and to help us remember we are living in the kingdom of days. We just have to lift our heads more often to receive His gifts. We are surrounded by beauty.

"I will rise now...."

I waited for the sunrise this morning and was disappointed to see the day emerge void of life affirming colour. Clouds full of snow threatening to drop down on the landscape seemed to cloak the sky's breath and depth of possibilities. Omnipresent like a sneering bully on the playground, they hovered....arms crossed, immovable and bossy!

I walked away, determined to ignore it's wintry threats and began to focus my attention on slipping into the beauty of the imagination where the spectrum of possibility perches on the precipice of eternity. Over a cup of tea of course. Imagination and tea are happy partners in generating thoughts and feelings. No cloudy bully was going to break my spirit! HA! Not when I had a steaming mug of tea by my side.....especially when the mug, purchased on my trip to the UK, has a quote by Billy Connolly printed on the side of it....(love that man!)

"Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on...."

OK.....imagination, tea and a twisted need for a sip of the absurd....my ingredients to bite back at the bully clouds....to see the world around me with a new set of eyes.

Pretty soon, I swear I heard Bono singing in my head....a beautiful backdrop to my own imagination fueled by my happy tea mug. Like a whoosh, I was pulled into it's orchestration. The music memory awakened expressed love like the opening of Solomon's Song of Songs.... it's breeze clearing way for enlightening. Ah......love's stirring yearnings....

My spirit automatically lifted. Amazing how the harmonious blend of lyrics and sound can do that, even if it's a memory playing just to yourself. Sure there are days when dirges can fill the spirit if you let them. Today, however, there seemed to be no need to push any sorrowful tunes away. Bono was prayerfully present to stir my thoughts! With my eyes closed absorbing the words, the sound and my feelings, I smiled and took a couple of meditative breaths....

It's a beautiful day

Don't let it get away

It's a beautiful day

Touch me

Take me to that other place

Teach me

I know I'm not a hopeless case

I looked up and out the window again. Day had broken without the cresting colour just above the horizon. That time had come and gone. Instead, it had patiently held onto its empowering beauty, joined forces with the words of the wind and braided its luminescence through the bullying clouds. Shadows and light tasting colour seeped out its drama, like a life living its dramatic score.

Still in my sexy red plaid flannel pyjamas, I exchanged my cozy slippers for my furlined boots, slipped on my big woolen coat, grabbed my camera and headed out the door into the crisp coldness of a January morning. A fresh layer of snow cleansed the salt and sand on the street. The front yards covered by knee deep powder reflected the new light of day, it's shadows forming in the windswept drifts. The winter nesting birds warbled their own welcoming sound.

I felt alive and connected to my part of the world......alone standing in the middle of my street.....I enjoyed the unveiling of a beautiful day. Let the drama begin.

with enlightenment comes change

The breeze at dawn
Has secrets to tell you
Don't go back to sleep
You must ask
For what you really want
Don't go back to sleep
People are going back and forth
Across the doorsill
Where the two worlds touch
The door is round and open
Don't go back to sleep
Rumi

Our journeys hold meaning when one takes the steps with eyes and ears wide open. Meaning and truth can both enlighten and frighten......awareness is not for the faint of heart is it? When you think about it, enlightenment can be quite painful, especially when it strikes a the chord tied to a sense of losing your way. It doesn't come with a map you can hold in your hands. Rather, the map is found in the internal wintering of the soul where mysteries untangle at their own pace. Change disturbs. Change rattles. Change is life unfolding.

There's lots of time to sleep............later. Now, is the time to figure it out. Now is the time to tackle that nasty irritation........to push through the heartweep felt when heels are dug into resistance.

Today, is a new day, fresh with no mistakes. Don't go back to sleep. Chaos never lasts. Enlightenment comes after the storm.

_________________________________________

The word prompt this week at Sunday Scribblings is "change"......good old rollicking change......the kind of rattle felt south of the border this week. Yes YOU can.........change. For more coinage, click HERE.

la luna

Early morning and I found myself, outside with a cup of tea in hand. Barefoot, I stood in my housecoat in the dark fog waiting for my puppy to do her thing. It was so quiet except for the sound of a car in the distant somewhere. The only light was a solitary streetlamp at the edge of my property. Around me were the remnants of the flowers, most of which didn't make it through the night frost. Up above was a half moon with a glowing fog circle around it............all alone up there. Like me down below.

Whenever I look up at the moon, I travel in my thoughts wondering about others. Like many, the moon is a focal point for this kind of reverie. The other night out of the blue, my son who was sitting on the couch with me watching the ballgame asked........ "I wonder if anyone is thinking of me right now?"


"Your Dad probably is......." I reply, knowing it was around bedtime in Iceland where he was attending a music festival with his brother.


"I'm thinking it's Sandy......(our friend who lives in Barcelona). I don't know why, but I have this strange feeling that Sandy's thinking about me."


"Could be.....you never know. There are quite a few people out there who may be thinking about you Max. It's a good feeling isn't it?"


Yes it is..........yes it is. Our conversation then led to wondering about the people in our lives who are out there..........wondering how they are and then expanding on our discussion with stories and memories of the last time we were in contact with them. It was a global conversation ........ ranging from Japan, to England, to Tunisia where my parents were visiting on their cruise vacation.......to Iceland, to Burlington where much of our family lives........to down the street. The people in our lives are spread out across the globe. We live in an era where it all feels like "just down the street" because we are all a finger touch away. More importantly, they come rushing right to us and settle inside as soon as we think of them. Our thoughts spin threads outward, using the moon to lasso the people in our thoughts right back to us. It's synchronistically magical.


As I looked from my vantage point of the front steps at the lonely moon I wondered who was thinking about me and then I turned my thoughts towards the people I was thinking of sending messages up to the moon to loop around it and fall down into their skin. Sometimes I feel like if I think about someone really intensely they can feel it. I believe this wholeheartedly. It happens to me so it must happen to others. I'm not that bizarre am I? I'll be going about my day only to stop in my tracks when a strong surging connection to another fills me with a smile. From that point, I continue but with a goofy smile on my face as I recall a conversation, an email, an event......as I conjure up their face and warmth.


la luna........

I wonder what he's doing right now?

I wonder where she is right now?

I hope he's figuring it out.

I can't wait to tell her all about what i've just read.

I hope he's coping

I hope she's happy.

Where are they today? I hope they know I'm thinking of them.

I hope he has a day of wonder....

I pray................all the way up to the moon and back..... with feeling.

It's time for a new day to begin. I'm thinking of you. Can you feel it under your skin?