This morning, I tried to pray in my own crazy convoluted way, but my imagination got the best of me. All of a sudden, my attempts at prayer were interrupted by intrusive thoughts and hard feelings. Pretty soon, my imagination saw them as sleeping dragons... Hence, this perambulation filtered out of me instead.
I thought if I could capture the wildness of my morning wrestle, it would provide some insight. I think it did. Maybe? Who the heck knows. It made for a more interesting awakening on a cold winter day.
Silence on a January morning has such a different feel to it than it does in May. In actuality, silence doesn't exist when May dawns. The whole atmosphere is alive with birdsong and blooms. May is a loud mouth busy time of external growth......... wide-eyed bright even before the sun has revealed one ray. Whereas, the quietness at the height of hibernation is fettered by layers of inner meaning. January is dark. Even in daylight. Even when the sun has opened her arms as wide as she can, January bleeds memories into empty cups. It is a time of reflection and replenishing.
In January, growth resides deep inside the holiness of the soul, where seeds still encased by a protective shell wait patiently to be discovered, analyzed, fertilized. Invisible to the naked eye, but not to the contemplative mind. This morning, I sat inside the coven of winter's landscape where silence awakens the sleeping dragons who guard the seeds like they are rare diamonds..... the frighening, needy dragons who project distorted shadows intended to make you feel inconsequentially tiny. Vulnerable.
I listened to the echo of my meditative footsteps and realized there was no other means of travel when it came to slipping past the dragons. I attempted a tiptoe kind of walk in furry slippers..... the comfortable ones that save you from the bone chill resonance of their freshly irritated drafty snore. Completely inappropriate footwear for any outdoor exploring, but the very best for inside steps. Cozy slippers to ward off sleeping dragons. And a blanket wrapped around me to ward of the chill. My feet were safe, my body was safe......but my silent presence still disturbed those refreshed serpent yearnings that billow out breath by breath.......that bumped into me, making me feel uncomfortable.
hmmm....growth resides there doesn't it, my emerald friend Pip???
No matter how much I wanted to break through into a warm harpsound of reassurance, the dragons had to be acknowledged. For as much as they seem to be an obstacle to learning, in actuality, they hold the answers to some of life's dark mysteries. Scary monsters who make you feel stark raving lonely and unarmed in fuzzy slippers, they hold the instructions on how to uncase the seeds. The seeds of new awareness. I kept wishing they didn't have to be so frighteningly harsh or butt ugly.
As they stirred in unison, making a hellish noise, I grabbed hold of my senses again and thought back on a place.... a Soulspace kind of place when I was confronted before and had somehow managed to GROW past these fire breathing sentinels. It was then that I remembered the key to reaching that destination where one can flirt with inner meaning. You have to surrender. Not wrestle. You have to let go and let in.......... the feelings, the thoughts, the noise, the fire breathing yearnings..... and allow them to be a part of the process, not the barrier.
So, I invited those dragons, now awake and needing to be fed, to join me in seeking out those encased seeds deep in the holiness of my soul. It turned out, they were delighted to be acknowledged, to be validated. Who knew?? Still, their honesty nipped at my exposed flesh, and slapped me on the cheeks. But, I took it. I stayed with them even though I was feeling really shaky and unsure about their messages. Before i knew it however, the January darkness lifted its veil.... just a peak, but enough to offer that harpsound reassurance I was looking for..... enough to touch me with new courage to take a few more steps with my new dragon posse.
Then, they told me a secret...... they informed me that they are really a part of me! Those frighteningly harsh butt ugly dragons weren't a separate entity. They weren't the enemy. They were a part of who I am.... the shadowy section of the unknown. As they spoke, they opened up their gnarly claws. Nestled inside the unclenched crevices were a claw full of diamonds. rough ones. in need of polish. I accepted their rough diamonds, sat down and began to polish them. I could hear the music being strummed, reassuring me once again that sleeping dragons don't need to be feared. They just want to be heard like we all do.