Saturday, July 25, 2009

the grieving process

I've seen it in black and white.....bold type on a page and it seemed so simple to achieve. Follow the steps in the book. There is a method. It goes like this.....

"You will feel these things. Eventually your grief will turn into acceptance. Then, you let go and move on."

So, I rhyme the process off in my head.

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.
So simple.
So linear.
So void of feeling.....

I ask questions to myself,

where i am in this process?
is this normal?
am i normal?
does my reaction follow the steps?
am i over it yet?
am i over it yet?
when do i get over it?
will I ever get over it?

The "it" turns into a human picture of the one I grieve, transforming into a blue eyed twinkle, a lyrical lilt, a hearty laugh at the end of a story shared. I see an outline which fills in with warm flesh, hands open in kindness, a face with a smile lined in joyful wrinkles. I feel the energy breathing life which pulls me into your realm. I hear my name said in a voice welcome to my ears.

So real.
So real.

I keep reading the book.....somewhere, sometime, the head knowledge will seep down into my heartpocket. That will be when I may be able to let go. Maybe.

Until then? I sadly grieve on, with a hollow sigh wondering where in the world I am. For some reason, it is me who is invisible. Not you.

This week's theme prompt at Sunday Scribblings is "Where in the world?" Strangely, it took me to another one. For more (hopefully upbeat) interpretations, check out their blogsite....


Americanising Desi said...

are we sailing the same boat?

Check out my prompt at
Where in the world

Awareness said...

AD....I think we are! I read yours right after I posted mine. :)

Kay said...

I think we have all been there....exist there. Very relatable.

Awareness said...

Kay, I believe we all do. Its so a part of living isn't it?

Old Grizz said...

breathtaking and the realm of "I wish I had said that"
I am certainly glad I read it. I shall file it away in my book of poetry that "I" like. I have been asked to speak at a friends funeral. Will you allow me to read this with, of course proper credits.

Awareness said...

Old Grizz.... Nothing would be more heartwarming and pleasing to me than to have it read at a friend's funeral. Thank you for asking me. Take care.

Marja said...

Very beautiful Grieving grabs you you can't grab it and steer it

Anonymous said...

The loss of someone who has been a part of you certainly leaves you feeling lost yourself. Time really is the only thing that heals, but eventually healing does come. Look for little things to find joy in.

Lion-ess said...

Two weeks of ago I was like that. I had three funerals in one week. It's a very sad time and the thing is you really don't know how it will affect you.
Seems as if we can never ever get use to it.

Granny Smith said...

I lost my love of 67 years this last year and I can't believe I'll ever get through the grieving process. I find myself listening for the opening of the door that means he's home. Now I'm crying. Your post is too vivid!

Brother David said...

Thanks for the post, it gave me the moments to remember, that its okay to remember; and I should.
Not to put it to aside but to accept the feelings and remember.
I know where youv'e been.

Awareness said...

Marja....that is definately what happens. I hadn't thought about it that way. You have to led it steer you. thanks.

Sophie...i agree. Its like learning how to walk again isn't it? You have to take it in small steps. Little joys too are often the most priceless. We tend to forget that when our lives get busy and heavy with emotion.

Lion-ess....that is so much to emotionally grasp onto. 3 in one week. Whoa! When one is confronted with the loss of someone in their lives, it is so important to have others around to process, experience, and heal with. I hope you had many in your circle as you continue to grieve.

Granny Smith... I wish there was a magic wand to take away the shocking sharp edges of the many deep feelings you are living with and allow you to feel a softening sense of peace. I wish there were answers too as to how and why and when we come to a place where loss isn't so gut wrenching.
I hope you are able to continually seek solace in the love of others around you. I know it doesn't bring your husband back to you, but perhaps it will help in some way knowing you are loved and cherished by them....and you can find strength in theirs. take care xx

David.... Remembering is bittersweet isn't it? Life affirming and soul affirming too.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Struggling through it all right now, myself....Personally, I don't find books like this helpful, at all.....the only thing that helps me is allowing myself to "feel" as horrible as I feel---and maybe all those things they talk about are mixed in with that---but certainly not in any order the way it's described....Loss is such a painful thing and I think there are some losses that one never gets over....As to moving on....well, there is some of that but I don't even know what the hell that means. Do they really think that when someone looses a child, no matter that age, that you ever 'move on'??? I don't see that in any of the people I know who have lost children. No, they are not dwelling on their loss every day anymore, but it is there, every day on some level....
I must say, it makes me wonder about the people who come up with these theory's...
I know I sound kind of bitter....maybe I am, because in all the years of living I have never found books like this truly helpful in any way. Maybe that is just me.

Tumblewords: said...

Haunting post. Sad, melancholy search for the end of grief. As nearly as I can tell, the missing lasts forever and a day. But sometime peace and acceptance replace the frenzy of loss.

Rainbow dreams said...

the linear model never quite made sense when translated into reality... somehow that heart pocket was left out...and that heart pocket is full to overflowing with sparkling treasures

Awareness said...

Naomi....coping never comes from a book, I agree. They can offer some insight, and most importantly the realization you aren't alone in the feelings part. Simply because they would never have written the book. There is much to learn about grieving beyond what Kubler Ross wrote so many years ago.
There are some deaths we never get over, as we discussed in our emails. We somehow learn to live through the smothering of loss. But we never forget.
Our best approach is to help eachother with the help the living. does seem to last for forever and a day, and quite often seems to slow down time. surely is. Its also full of a rawness sometimes too difficult to touch for a long long time.

aspiemom said...

Please excuse my rudeness for not coming by sooner.

What a lovely post. Your "where" is connected to someone, like Amer.Desi.

This was a beautiful testimony of grief and loss and longing.

Well done.

Megha said...

Our mind is a mystery cave with mysterious questions...