Friday, July 03, 2009

enveloped in the fog.....

It's been three weeks since I packed up my temporary office at "Employment Central" and turned it back into a storage room. 6 weeks before that, I said goodbye to a work family I had been a part of for 17 years after my job was unceremoniously chopped. I was deemed "unessential," in the eyes of the suits sitting in a boardroom; the number crunching fear mongerers who wouldn't see a homeless person if they tripped over them. Unessential too, I guess. We all have our priorities. No matter how you slice it.....on a community level or on a global one, we humans seem to fall into the orbit of hierarchy. I wonder why. Why do we feel this compulsion to create a "top/down" way of being where some float to the top while others are pushed down into the depths of barely surviving and where did this thought of mine come from? Good God, I was planning to write a happy piece!

I have much on my mind...... a mind that feels like it's been in fog storage for three weeks. My intentions were to clear away the collected cobwebs to prepare for my next career gig which starts up...REVS up on Monday. Not that I had huge unrealistic plans as to how I was going to use my time off, but it did included at least THINKING about a couple of projects on the horizon. I was also going to finally "pull" out the vestiges of some of my pieces of bloggie prose which seemed to court "potential" after a little airing and editing. I was going to go to the beach.....maybe a walk or two..... I was going to arrange to meet a few friends for lunch.... maybe a day trip with my son. Play a few card games. Decide what colour I wanted to paint the living room. Nothing Nobel prize winning, but cobweb clearing and fun. IN.THE.SUN. Not in the fog.

Not that I was completely cocooned.....I did take part in a few events and had some fun. It all just seems like I'm viewing it through an echo. And the weather didn't cooperate one iota. In fact, as I write this, a new rumbling of thunder rolls into the Saint John River Valley in all its incessant doom and gloom. We have had more rain and cloudy days in a row than I can ever remember!

My parents came for a visit and I do recall we had a big lobster feast while they were here with a few friends and I was the chef. I think everyone enjoyed themselves. I do recall hosting an impromptu Bar BQ with a bunch of girlfriends and their daughters to celebrate and toast two of our little ones who are going to high school next year. Oh, and I think I sat at an outside pub patio and quaffed a beer with my girlfriends before one of them took off with her family for their extensive trip to Europe. I recall spending an evening cloistered in the room downstairs going through old photos and paperworn letters I hadn't looked at in years. I think some really famous entertainer died. I read the paper, read a great book, putted A LOT, wrote some, slept when I could, watched my daughter pack and get ready for camp. Heck, I even sat in the passenger seat of the van and went for a few rides. Gee, I even think I drove a few times....... now that's a scary thought.

All done in a fog. Today? 3 weeks after I left my storage room office? I'm coming out of the tunnel. Somewhere in the thick of it all, my new/old colleagues took me out for lunch which was so thoughtful and kind of them....I had only been a part of their team for 6 weeks and it touched me deeply that they cared enough to celebrate my "moving on...." We congregated at a friend's restaurant/pub downtown, that much I know. But, I do not remember what was discussed or what I even ordered for lunch? NO! Not only couldn't I hear anything properly, I couldn't focus even when I tried.

I've been energy was stolen from me. I'd had minor surgery, a subsequent infection and then a cold from hell kicked in. I was a hacking, coughing phlemgy poor excuse for company on penicillin. I truly was in a fog. For over a week, I couldn't hear a damn thing except the sound of a cluster of whirring crickets in my ears! As much as I tried to go with it, knowing it was a temporary glitch in the bigger scheme of things, I couldn't help but wonder if this time off and how it unfolded was some kind of symbolic transition? It made me tired just trying to process it, and every time I tried to lay down, I'd fall into a fit of coughing. Still, the thought that I needed to get the last couple of years working in a very toxic environment out of my system and it was going to happen through my sinuses kept filtering through the fog. Or maybe it was just shit luck. Sometimes its best not to evaluate everything to death. I just can't help but recognize the timing of it all.......

What I do know is that I have a lot of my mind now. Good productive stuff is surfacing! Clear ideas, thoughts and feelings which go beyond that dreaded sense of guilt for feeling so crappy and not being available and present to my family and friends are streaming through my ass kicking brain again. I have much to do....that "to do" table is stacked up high now and in need of dusting before I can get to it. And every project....every single task on that table is interesting and challenging.

  • Arranging a much anticipated trip to the Greenbelt Festival at the end of the summer.
  • Planning out a night course on Crisis Counselling I'll be teaching at the University in the fall.
  • Kick starting the planning of a month long Seminar Camp attended by 17 and 18 year olds from around the world who will be congregating close by my home in July 2010. I'm coordinating it and I'm SO pumped!

And front and centre? A brand spanking new job at the College running Counselling Services awaits Monday. In order to be up for the challenge, it required me to slip in and out of the fog to finally reach. Learning, stretching, cocooning, growing, hibernating, attempting, practising....... in and out of the fog, but most of the time under the clarity of day.

I get to build it from the ground up because they have never had a Counsellor on site before. I'm the first. :)

My toolbox is brimming. My enthusiasm is heightened. My ideas are bearing fruit. It's time to create. It's time to DO. My cold is almost a bad memory......I can hear again.....

Just in where's the kleenex box?


Anonymous said...

I am so glad that awful fog is lifting just in time for you to embark on your new journey.

I know it's disappointing when we don't make much of a dent in our "to do" lists but maybe you really did need to get all that toxic stuff out of your system through your sinuses so your head could be clear for all the exciting things that await you.

Good Luck on Monday. Those students will be lucky to have you to help guide them into their futures. I have no doubt at all that you will be awesome.

Anonymous said...

You will be fantastic. Boy, you've had a lot going on lately. You handle everything with such aplomb. Wishing you all the best for the new position!

Awareness said...

Gypsy...I think there was a reason my body shut down. I am feeling better today than I have in 3 weeks.

I owe you an email! Will get to it. :)

Selma...I can't imagine my family would agree with you. Aplomb isn't how they would describe my moping about. There has been a lot going on and for a long time....more than I've even admitted to. It seems like my life rarely has any downtime emotionally as much as I (think) I try... it's always felt like a roller coaster.

Anonymous said...

Love the line wouldn't know a homelesss person if they trip over them. Wish I could tell you what was said at a meeting I attended the other day, my hair stood on end.
Good Luck in your new position, you will Rock!

Awareness said...

Mavis....I have a pretty good idea of what may have been said. OMG! I wish I was on that committee I think you may be referring to.
I was driving home from the market this morning and your smiling face came to mind wondering how you were doing.
As soon as I get settled in at the College, I'll give you a call. We can go for a walk down along the river!