Friday, August 17, 2007

Dear Diary

Reflections and light, Maximville, PEI

Dear Diary
I'm feeling strange. I don't have much to write about today. So, let's see.......maybe I could start by writing about why it is I'm feeling strange. Strange? I don't even know what that means.....feeling strange.

At odds?
I don't fit in?
Not comfortable in my own skin?

Gee, that's really not how I'm feeling. Funny, I think we throw out words verbally all the time without a second thought to them. We throw them out into space into the abyss where they can be twisted, misinterpreted, ignored, accepted, forgotten or simply dropped. But when we write them down, they take on concrete posterity. So, swipe that. I'm not feeling strange. A bit loopy, but that's normal....

So, how am I really feeling?

OK, now I'm wondering if I really want to write down exactly HOW I'm feeling, diary because once it's down and I've confessed, where does that leave me? What if someone happens to open this diary and sees the stark naked words......words which describe me......words which will need an explanation......words which may lead to someone wanting to have a conversation about them WITH ME.........or WORSE...........what if the feeling words SCARE them away and they never ask? If I really and truly write from my heart, will I be rejected?

If I write who I really am, and then no one one acknowledges me, I would feel that my ugly little secrets which are part of my real self has been cast aside.......thrown away, rejected. Then what? I will have nothing left to offer someone.

Ugly, pockmarked imperfection........put in the sale bin with all the other dented tins....all because I admitted to how I was feeling and consequently who I really am. They are tied into one another you know, diary.........if I begin with the feeling words, than I am revealing much more of who I am than I realize. Each feeling word is like a red flag, or a blue flag, or a mult-hue flag depending on the feeling word. No matter the colour, the flag is an indication to someone that you want them to ask WHY?
What if they don't ask WHY?
What if your feelings scare the shit out of them and they go running, leaving you with a whole bunch of flags you want to share?

Yeah, I know're supposed to be just mine to use. I'm supposed to feel safe enough to write anything I want in here. That's why there's a trusty lock on it, right? But whose kidding whom? Every single lock on a diary uses the same damn key, made in China. Plus, I'm not good at putting you away in my underwear drawer every time I use you. So, I hesitate to confess how I'm truly feeling today..........this day when I don't have much to write.

Hmmmmmmm........I wonder if cyberspace and the anonymity of the internet is the new diary? It seems to me that people will express themselves, share their innermost thoughts......BLEED their desires into their computers for all the world to see like its their diary tucked in their underwear drawer? Chat rooms, MSN, Facebook (well, more the pics than the feeling words's kindof a voyeuristic weird place), Myspace, and all of those bizarre virtual games...are they not outlets of expressing one's deep secrets? The phenomenon of that site called "Post Secret" where people send their confessions on a postcard to some guy whose now making a fortune publishing them is a great marketing idea, but do any of those people get any help? Does it make them feel better to admit their darkest secrets, diary?

I'm pretty much an open book. My feelings are there to see on my sleeve for the most part, though like everyone I harbour a few secrets......even to you diary. I guess I'm not ready to share them with myself let alone an inanimate object. I'm lucky that I have people in my life whom I can be myself, and express myself rather openly. I have even found a few through my writing. Some have even encouraged me to be more open and to share my real thoughts. AND, you know what diary? They reply telling me I'm beautiful.

I'm beautiful. With all my imperfections........with all my complicated feelings......with all my scars and ugly secrets.......I'm beautiful. Aren't we all? Because what matters more than anything is that we all have hearts which intertwined and speak the same voice of the need to belong........the need to feel like we matter.
You know, diary.........sometimes when I sit down to write in you, I don't have a flipping clue what I want to write about..........and yet, if I just allow the words to find me.....I always finish feeling more buoyant and less strange.
Today was a great day. I stayed home with my son who flitted in and out of the house, mostly when he was thirsty, but sometimes just to touch base with me. Twice he came inside to tell me that he loved me. Once, when I saw that he was alone on the frontyard, I snuck up to him and told him that I loved him.......before he could tell me.

Today was a great day, diary. My good friend Anne joined me for lunch here on the backdeck. We caught up, talked mostly serious family stuff, but had a chance to have a couple of laughs and a couple of moments of silence. What was missing was a nice bottle of cold white wine. Alas, she had to go back to work. Another day.......

Today is a great day diary. It's not finished. My husband is returning home from work. WE will have dinner as a family, though we all miss our beautiful daughter whose away at camp for another week......she would've received a carepackage today from me with new jammies in it and a couple of goofy dollar store things for her hair........just for laughs.......and some minty chocolates to share with her cabin mates. I can see her laughing at the words I shared with her in a funny card too.

And who knows diary..............maybe the sunset tonight will be picture perfect....or imperfect. No matter will be acknowledged for what it is. As you do me. are five words to describe how I'm feeling RIGHT at this moment to end with....and leave you wondering diary.......I love a mystery.

thirsty...............boy I'm thirsty.

For more diary writings, head over to Sunday just never know what will be revealed there!!!!


Melissa said...

Great post...but sorry you're in an odd mood.

Michele sent me today.

-- MissMeliss

Awareness said...

Hey feeling quite oddly fine thank you. No worries here.

Bob-kat said...

I have days like that too, when I'm just a bit out of sorts. I also have days when I'm a lot out of sorts and then all the concerns that you have articulated here go round in my head too. You nailed those thoughts here.

It sounds like you had a good day though. Shame about the wine. A nice crisp white wine is definitely called for sometimes :)

Bob-kat said...

Oops...forgot to say that Michele sent me back and I'm glad :)

gautami tripathy said...

We share so many of our secrets, desires with our diary.

Glad Michele sent me here. I enjoyed reading your entry.

Rainbow dreams said...

scary.. I came across my old 5 year diary recently from when I was 10 - 18....I adapted it to spread over a longer time...I told it all my secrets...brutally honest I was too, just hope noone ever did read it!

Tiffany said...

I kept a diary once, but then a boy broke up with me and I didnt want to remember him anymore. My way of "erasing" him was to throw the diary away. I did "tell all" in it. I hope my mom never read it! YIKES. Here Via Michele tonight.

Awareness said...

bob cat....caught up on the wine ce soir....too bad Anne wasn't here to join in .... i think most days are a combination of many many's up to us to filter through them to figure them out. My day actually was superb..

gautami....look forward to reading your sunday scibbling post. journals from way back? Lost in the cosmos....including the one i kept travelling through Europe, which I wrote cryptically anyways. I'm not a fan of diaries because one can't ever be sure someone snoopy hasn't read them. And what happens if one was to die a sudden death? What then? oooooo horrible mess that would be.....I think maybe it's best just to be up front and centre with feelings and let it all hang out. :) too, but the boy found my diary and freaked out! He then burned it in front of me the bastard. that was the end of the boyfriend and diary keeping.

kenju said...

You reminded me of a book I read back in the 70's, titled: "Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am?", by Gerald Jampolsky, Ph.D.

The answer was....because you might not like me.

Thanks for the earlier visit, and I am going to have to schedule a trip to Canada, since you ban smoking in casinos. YAY!!!

Hope said...

Provoking, liked the flow, and the good day ending.

The Harbour of Ourselves said...

What is it Pip says....

'Why am I afraid to tell you who I am...'
'...... because if I tell you who I am, and you don't like who I am, that is all I have.'


Awareness said...

Judy....the book sounds vaguely familiar...will look for it. Yes, lots of smoke free casinos here...none near me....but lots near Niagara Falls I think :)

Welcome Hope....oh, doesn't that sound nice....welcome, hope...thank you. what I like about sunday scribblings is that it offers you a chance to take one idea and be creative in a way that may be different than your preferred way of writing....

Paul........yes, hmmmmmm... was thinking and feeling the vibes from the two of you when i was writing it.... :)
to be accepted unconditionally? Can't think of a more powerful, honouring, wonderfully spiritual gift, can you?

paisley said...

excellent post... i love baring my soul,, and reading the words of those who find themselves equally as strong... thank you

Rob Kistner said...

This was a trip, tumbling through your mind, your id, your ego -- bouncing along with your thoughts... thank you! ;)

Br David said...

Sounds like you are just being: (scrub the word just).

Looking at the picture, for the first time I realize what the ripples are - echoes of the waves that left them.

Shaz said...

This was a beautifully read secret.
Did I hear PUB CRAWL lol

Herb Urban said...

I love this post! Stream of consciousness writing is so liberating! Thanks for sharing!

Caroline said...

This comment:
"If I write who I really am, and then no one one acknowledges me, I would feel that my ugly little secrets which are part of my real self has been cast aside.......thrown away, rejected. Then what? I will have nothing left to offer someone."
really echoed for me. It speaks to me of the gift I was given by my psychotherapy - that I was allowed to reveal my true self and not rejected, instead given value. I am hoping you can feel that too.

Tammy said...

I think sharing is freeing and I loved how you wrote this post. Thinking out loud. ;) Wonderful

Mr. Althouse said...

It's interesting how the words find us. Just as quickly as they have time to settle into their respective places on the page, our perspective changes. And it happens that fast.

From unsettled and uncomfortable to loopy and disjointed to perhaps even sad or angry and finally - and for me almost always - to gratitude. It almost can't be helped. The truth for me materializes in the symbols that make up our language. They are the pigments on my pallet. Once mixed together just so, the art emerges.

If for no other reason, there is gratitude in just that. And that is always enough.


Awareness said...

paisley...thank you. glad you enjoyed it as I enjoyed your post too.

rob...yes, it surely was a bounce as I wrote exactly what came to was a fun my id!

brother david....I love your line....echoes...... I took the photo one Sunday morning in Prince Edward Island when I had the beach to myself. I spent an hour or so sitting on a flat rock looking out at the water and the birds, watching the tide go out..... this picture was right in front of th spot I was sitting. It seemed so serene, and yet I had a feeling of how much movement and sound caused the ripples....the ocean frightens and amazes me at the same time. Such strength and so much unknown....and I felt that looking at the sand left behind from the tide.

Shaz......feelings are the key to unlocking secrets arent they? Pub crawl? Anytime! Your continent or mine? Get well there girl....

Hey Herb........yessiree it is. Perhaps that's why diary writing is still a common activity. When I began writing again, as I posted about earlier in the week, it was the stream of conscious process which started me up again.....just letting the words flow.

Caroline....nothing is more wonderful than feeling validated. The line is a take on Pip's message....which Paul has mentioned's so true and when I first read it on Pip's blog, it was like I was given a shove.....knowing how I have tried over the past year to express myself and to show how I feel and who I am in my work environment only to be basically ignored made the line all the more poignant to me. I have since resolved many being that one needs to seek validation through positive and more enlightening avenues.......recognition is not a fame thing is it? recognition is simply knowing we matter as human beings. I see this, and thank God receive this from family and friends....and NOW? I can add many blog friends to that wonderfully supportive list of people who remind me....and in turn I will remind them.....
Caroline.......I'm so glad you have found the validation you needed.....what a difficult road you've been are the gift!!

Tammy.........Much of my writing is thinking out loud. It seems the most natural way for me to write. It's funny, sometimes I can write about the past (as I intend to tonight I think), but more often than not, I'm more inclined to write about the here and now........thank you for visiting and will check your blog out too.

Fledgling Poet said...

I loved your diary really resonated with me. Your writing just flowed along and I wanted to keep reading! Despite your "odd" feeling, it does sound like you had some great moments in your day...I'm glad. :~)

Patois said...

I enjoyed following your thought process as you went down the various twisting roads. A wonderful take on the prompt. Diaries of the past? Yikes is right!

Paul said...

Wonderful post. I was just thinking how your diary entry reflects the name of your blog. You are an aware person. Aware of your feelings and aware of so much more going on in your life.

Kamsin said...

A really beautifully expressed post. I really like how you run through a whole gamut of emotions. That somehow writing through the anxiety and "oddness" is healing, bringing you to thoughts of family and gratitue, hope and acceptance of who you are. Finally focusing on the hear and now.

Awareness said...

Hi Mike....we posted comments at the same time... Your pallet is multi-hued and always an interesting read. I like how you describe it....under the words which find us are the emotions tagging along....the process of writing is always gratifying to me because more often than not, it's destination unknown unless I follow the word I did with this piece. take care.

Fleg Poet...thanks....writing is the ultimate therapy...resolutions are always just around the corner :) seems like we've all been bitten by the past diary find!

Paul...thank you...writing offers me new glimpses everyday, and the title of this blog always guides truly does.

Kamsin....thank the stream of consciousness process....its always revealing...kind of like word associations can be.

Isabella said...

It felt like you were reading my mind as I was reading your words. Fear that we won't matter if we reveal our true feelings is something I feel a lot. To put it all out there and then finding out no-one cares would be soul destroying so you keep some of it back as insurance that you don't have to find out that ugly truth. I love the way you write Dana, it comes from an honest place.

Redness said...

Whoa ... stream of consciousness ... I'm exhausted ... it was like a 10 lane highway ... what a buzz - loved your honesty. Thanks!