I'm feeling strange. I don't have much to write about today. So, let's see.......maybe I could start by writing about why it is I'm feeling strange. Strange? I don't even know what that means.....feeling strange.
I don't fit in?
Not comfortable in my own skin?
Gee, that's really not how I'm feeling. Funny, I think we throw out words verbally all the time without a second thought to them. We throw them out into space into the abyss where they can be twisted, misinterpreted, ignored, accepted, forgotten or simply dropped. But when we write them down, they take on concrete posterity. So, swipe that. I'm not feeling strange. A bit loopy, but that's normal....
So, how am I really feeling?
OK, now I'm wondering if I really want to write down exactly HOW I'm feeling, diary because once it's down and I've confessed, where does that leave me? What if someone happens to open this diary and sees the stark naked words......words which describe me......words which will need an explanation......words which may lead to someone wanting to have a conversation about them WITH ME.........or WORSE...........what if the feeling words SCARE them away and they never ask? If I really and truly write from my heart, will I be rejected?
If I write who I really am, and then no one replies.......no one acknowledges me, I would feel that my ugly little secrets which are part of my real self has been cast aside.......thrown away, rejected. Then what? I will have nothing left to offer someone.
Ugly, pockmarked imperfection........put in the sale bin with all the other dented tins....all because I admitted to how I was feeling and consequently who I really am. They are tied into one another you know, diary.........if I begin with the feeling words, than I am revealing much more of who I am than I realize. Each feeling word is like a red flag, or a blue flag, or a mult-hue flag depending on the feeling word. No matter the colour, the flag is an indication to someone that you want them to ask WHY?
What if they don't ask WHY?
What if your feelings scare the shit out of them and they go running, leaving you with a whole bunch of flags you want to share?
Yeah, I know diary.......you're supposed to be just mine to use. I'm supposed to feel safe enough to write anything I want in here. That's why there's a trusty lock on it, right? But whose kidding whom? Every single lock on a diary uses the same damn key, made in China. Plus, I'm not good at putting you away in my underwear drawer every time I use you. So, I hesitate to confess how I'm truly feeling today..........this day when I don't have much to write.
Hmmmmmmm........I wonder if cyberspace and the anonymity of the internet is the new diary? It seems to me that people will express themselves, share their innermost thoughts......BLEED their desires into their computers for all the world to see like its their diary tucked in their underwear drawer? Chat rooms, MSN, Facebook (well, more the pics than the feeling words there....it's kindof a voyeuristic weird place), Myspace, and all of those bizarre virtual games...are they not outlets of expressing one's deep secrets? The phenomenon of that site called "Post Secret" where people send their confessions on a postcard to some guy whose now making a fortune publishing them is a great marketing idea, but do any of those people get any help? Does it make them feel better to admit their darkest secrets, diary?
I'm pretty much an open book. My feelings are there to see on my sleeve for the most part, though like everyone I harbour a few secrets......even to you diary. I guess I'm not ready to share them with myself let alone an inanimate object. I'm lucky that I have people in my life whom I can be myself, and express myself rather openly. I have even found a few through my writing. Some have even encouraged me to be more open and to share my real thoughts. AND, you know what diary? They reply telling me I'm beautiful.
I'm beautiful. With all my imperfections........with all my complicated feelings......with all my scars and ugly secrets.......I'm beautiful. Aren't we all? Because what matters more than anything is that we all have hearts which intertwined and speak the same voice of the need to belong........the need to feel like we matter.
You know, diary.........sometimes when I sit down to write in you, I don't have a flipping clue what I want to write about..........and yet, if I just allow the words to find me.....I always finish feeling more buoyant and less strange.
Today was a great day. I stayed home with my son who flitted in and out of the house, mostly when he was thirsty, but sometimes just to touch base with me. Twice he came inside to tell me that he loved me. Once, when I saw that he was alone on the frontyard, I snuck up to him and told him that I loved him.......before he could tell me.
Today was a great day, diary. My good friend Anne joined me for lunch here on the backdeck. We caught up, talked mostly serious family stuff, but had a chance to have a couple of laughs and a couple of moments of silence. What was missing was a nice bottle of cold white wine. Alas, she had to go back to work. Another day.......
Today is a great day diary. It's not finished. My husband is returning home from work. WE will have dinner as a family, though we all miss our beautiful daughter whose away at camp for another week......she would've received a carepackage today from me with new jammies in it and a couple of goofy dollar store things for her hair........just for laughs.......and some minty chocolates to share with her cabin mates. I can see her laughing at the words I shared with her in a funny card too.
And who knows diary..............maybe the sunset tonight will be picture perfect....or imperfect. No matter what...........it will be acknowledged for what it is. As you do me.
So.........here are five words to describe how I'm feeling RIGHT at this moment to end with....and leave you wondering diary.......I love a mystery.
thirsty...............boy I'm thirsty.
For more diary writings, head over to Sunday Scribblings..........you just never know what will be revealed there!!!!