transitions.......of grief

Today was filled with many strong feelings, as we begin to say good-bye. My father-in-law passed away last night. After struggling with many health issues for such a long time, but fighting them with the piss and vinegar he was known for, he quietly fell asleep and found peace.

Peace.

Relief, grief, fatigue, joy, sorrow, confusion, and loss feed all of our brains with an overloaded sense of fogginess. None of us are thinking to clearly and yet, we have to make decisions, and we have to continue go about our lives as we prepare to celebrate his life.

Today, we spoke to many people on the phone. Our families live far away as do many of our oldest friends, spread out across the country. Every single person has their own memories of my father in law......their own "remember whens..." The stories, filled with loss and joy..... stoked us.

This afternoon, I pulled out a big box of photos along with the ones that made it to albums and spent time sifting through 20 years of family events.......weddings, anniversaries, Christmas mornings, births and baptisms, summer beach suppers, birthdays. So many snapshots, each coming alive with conversations. I'm starting to remember.

I'm remembering ......because I had forgotten. The focus has been on failing health, on aging. My father-in-law had been so cognitively distant for so long that I had lost the thread to our many heated debates over current events, his history lessons on Canadian politics, his enthusiasm for a big lobster feed, his gameness to try anything at least once, his love the Hamilton Tiger Cats football team, or his child-like excitement on Christmas morning opening presents, with a cup of coffee and a bloody caesar as a chaser on the side table.


I had forgotten how thrilled he was the first time he met his one and only grand daughter......so thrilled that when he took her from my arms his "swoop" left me in sheer terror that he was going to wing her over his shoulder so hard she'd fly through the air.


The pictures triggered and stoked........the memories.

I took my thoughts out to the garden and while I pulled weeds, I found myself surrounded by several different bird songs.........robins, orioles, sparrows, morning doves, blue jays, chickadees.......music of life all around...... and I was feeling relief along with grief along with appreciation..... As I worked quietly in my garden, I gave over to a free flowing of whatever memories showed up, knowing my father in law is now at peace.

Peace.........peace sung by the birds......

The layers are falling away.........the layers of the most recent years of seeing my father in law declining.....of watching his strength leave him.......to reveal his zest for life. It's all part of my own transition. Living and doing while remembering offers me the thread to my memories which in turn help turn a corner to a place where I can celebrate a life well lived. We all have our own process, our actions may be different I realized today but it's so important to allow all the feelings to surface especially during the time between someone's death and the funeral. I realized how I am, like every member of my family, like all the people who have been touched by my father in law, taking steps closer to being able to celebrate a life well lived.

Tonight, we drove my husband to the airport for the second time in a week. He is on his way home to make plans and to be with his mother and siblings. His best friend is flying in from Delaware to be with him, and we will follow up at the end of the week to take part in the celebration of "Mr. King of the Road," George "Buzzie" Kerr's life. I suspect that a party will erupt in his honour.

But right now, I feel like I've been struck by a transport truck. My heart is heavy and I'm exhausted, as are my sleeping children. Tonight, I will crawl in between them and find comfort.