I am who I will be....

Its not that I have been stalled....... stuck in one place like a pillar of salt. Though, some may have come to that conclusion since I haven't been overly expressive in this venue for a couple of months.  Life's motions have taken me in circles, around and around the accumulated reflections of what had been. Its only natural.

In order to let go, you must be aware of what exactly you're letting go of, while keeping in mind that it is only your interpretation.  In order to let go, you must be aware of who you are letting go of.  This sounds so simple.  Its not. It's a struggle to recognize what was real and what was an illusion...........or in other words, wishful thinking.  Aren't illusions just a box of optimism and wishful thinking wrapped in a bow of denial?  Hope dangling from a thread?

I've learned there's no clear timeline to it either.  There isn't a specific day when one rises up above the dusty endings of a relationship to find a clear blue sky resolution.  Transformation begins underground, below the snowline..... It needs time, commitment, contemplation, nutrients, care.  It needs winter to buffer its growth, to slow its progress, to allow for moments of grief.   Hibernation lends itself to transformation........... to spring risings.

I am who I will be...........

Dusty endings have layers.  Layers and layers of complicated stories that require one to listen, to view, to feel from many angles. Grief is crucial life work. You can't let go if you only touch the surface of the dusty stories through one lens.  To understand is to make your very best attempt at trying to see things from the other perspective.  To understand is to blend yours and theirs into a mixture that one hopes is closer to the truth. Affirming  two sides of one truth, encourages responsible ownership of the role in the demise of a marriage between two people who once loved deeply.

But, does it really matter at this point?  It seems to.  Well, it does to me.  I want to learn so I don't make the same mistakes.  I want to learn so I can look at changing my own ways.  I want to be aware of those shivering vulnerabilities that seem to come out of the middle of nowhere AT the most inopportune times.  Like standing in front of the valentine card section in the store..... Every time I feel like I'm only one step ahead of lonely, when vulnerability kicks in with such force, I find that after the storm passes, I feel stronger.  More whole. 

I am who I will be.........

Darkness never lasts.  Feelings are only visitors.  The wicked ones come knocking on your gut, pass on a heart message, linger a while and then move on, arm in arm with lonely.  The key is to acknowledge them.  Address them.  If you don't..... they morph into shadows that leap from streetlights, that creep under bedroom doors, that seep into your dreams, that peep at you when you're naked.  It's best to welcome them, chat with them, learn from them............. Satisfied, those old emotions will journey forth,  intent on sending shivers through another human being.

From there, one learns to let go. Resolution feeds those tiny transforming seeds under the snowline.   From there, forgiveness of self and others begins to form.  Failure is forgiven.  Remorse is sent packing.  Choices as to how you want your history to help mold your present day and future become visible.  Before you know it, a little voice begins to hum.............

I am who I will be ......... dee, dee, dee ......... scooby dooby woweeeeee......

As the days begin to stretch out a little more light a little longer, revelations dazzle the dark side with eye twinkles.  I continue to live, breathe, carry on in all my roles.  I have not been paralyzed like a salt pillar.  I've been living out loud!  Rather, I've been refreshing, resting, resisting and reflecting, doing, trying new things!  Experiencing life as a single woman.  I'm in motion.  Internally and externally.  Somedays in circles.  Somedays with risky exuberance!  Other days, small steps along the road called "I am who I will be........."   It hasn't all been a serious mind wank.  My life has been abundantly enhanced in so many ways by new and refreshened relationships, great connections, good conversations that warm you up like a mug of hot cocoa.   

I am who I will be........... daily.