silence never felt so calm........

Silence has many layered meanings before you can reach what John O'Donohue described as the intimate innocence of the soul.  So what does it look like? This is how I envision it.

The outer layer shivers in shyness. It has a self-conscious blush to it. You yearn for interruptions to break away from the discomfort emanating from the unsettled vibes.

The next layer still is trapped in doubtful uneasiness. Thoughts come tumbling out in unspoken questions.  "What can I say to fill in the silence?"  "I wonder what others around me are thinking?" "How can I avoid this discomfort?" This silence chatters loudly.  The noise!  The blasted bleating noise! It's almost like it gets louder before any attempt at inner calm can be reached.  Once the energy reverberates enough, a resolution of surrendering to allowing the silence to seep in through the cracks begins to form from the sense of vulnerability created by the discomfort.  Self talk helps this along.  Breathing helps this along.  Being physically still lowers the volume. 

The third layer is a stepping away from the noise, though it can be heard in the murmuring echoes. But it definitely is a marked change.  Muscles unclench and much of what has stalled you drops away.  The mind spills and empties making room for a cotton softness to form along the perimeter that will both absorb interference as well as catch the affirmation of the Spirit.

This silence is where stillness begins, in the drumming reflections. Every now and then you can hear a reflective pongbong, like the sound of a stone thrown into a pond. 

Ease is coming ...... the stone has to settle ........ the stone has to settle.... The senses heighten and slowly begin to turn inward. Hesitation waxes and wanes as the gap between the third and fourth layer are transitioned.

The fourth layer of silence is found in the lapping of the pond ripples, which return to repeat like a visual mantra.  Mesmerizing, its surface holds us in a trance as the eyes gaze inside the deep welling place. It is there where a sense of vulnerable brokenness finds some comforting light……it is where you feel the most honest and strong while looking at the shadowy reflections of life’s realities.

The fifth layer brings a harmonic meditation........a kneeling thinness of even breathing, where palpitations are replaced by cradle comfort rocking to a welcoming hymn hummed like a lullaby. Breathing becomes the focus.  Breathing becomes the focus as you slip into a moment of assurance of grace.

It was stated by Meister Eckhart......"no one knows what the soul is. but, what we do know is the soul is where God works compassion...." I'm wondering if our deepest compassion for recognizing and accepting our imperfections as well as those in others can only truly happen when we find the courage to peel away the layers of silence, past the point of the loud pings and into the sanctity of a hymn.   

It can be a tearful process.  It's not often easy.  One never knows what is laying heavily in the dusty corners of our memories.  But, that's alright.  Tears are not something to be afraid of.  If there is anything I have learned during this emotional wavelength, it is that in order to fully let go of the bitter taste and the unrelenting hurt from betrayal, you have to go through the process.  

Avoid it, and you'll never heal.  Deny it, and it will physically eat you up from the inside out. Ignore it and you will never be able to visit the holy space in your soul where God works compassion.  And if you can't make it there......... to a place where silence is soothing, you will never be able to express your own compassion  as brilliantly as you are capable. And if you can't express it, you will forever be entangled in the host of fears and failures we all carry as burdens.

The courage to peel away the layers allows us to breathe air refreshened with love.  It is the best medicine for eventually reacquainting yourself with your self-worth.  Gotta go through the uglies and the pain of rejection first.

Now if I could only move more freely beyond the constant re-hashing of old scenarios and the chattering of both the spoken and the unspoken, I know I would feel better.  Create silence in the mind, peace will flourish in the soul.

Time, time, time.......... I long for that calm.....