Friday, March 19, 2010

miles to go..........

I've been silent here longer than ever.  There is much to say, yet i hold back the temptation to write it down.  For now, I speak them. In volumes.  With volume.   I speak them as they come to me. All jumbly and random, they spill out in stories and emotions so ripe, so starkly real, so in need to be released out into the vast sky where they can perhaps fuel the stars with energy.  If I write the finger pointing feelings along with the others that breathe passion, if I write it down, it somehow becomes eternally entombed.  I want them to soar out of me, and leave me empty.  

Empty for renewal.
Empty for renewal.

My life is in turmoil, and yet clarity will find me.  As I immerse myself in the love of family, and friends who have offered their energy to me in order to give it to my children, I will find calm and clarity.  Not overnight.  Not with the snap of my fingers.  I have hope. 

As i seek out guidance from the ones in my community who can provide it to me, I am finding new truths. As I learn the gift of what surrendering really means, I am recognizing the trap of resentment I allowed to encase my heart and turn it angry cold.  I see it in others too. Surrendering, expressing, resting, hanging on as best I can, ....... riding the waves of painful turmoil and change, I am feeling the softening caress of God.  It amazes me.   Here I am in the first shocking stages of marriage separation, and my faith is all around me sending little cosmic messages.  I'm not even looking for it!  It gives me strength and hope.  It cradles me when the waves get too big.

There are many topics I want to write about.  There are many stories I'd like to share.  Some I the one where I meet the Prodigal Son.... or at least one of them.  He arrived in my office this week.  they will unfold as grace unfolds.......  I'm in no hurry.

Today, I was told........

Faith is a verb.

It made me smile.  I get that.  It makes sense.  And I believe it.  An action word.  From there, my first reflections brought this thought which I want to share with you......
Faith is a verb.
Love is a verb.
Life is a verb
Breath is a verb
Surrendering is a verb
Discomfort is a verb.
Beautiful is a verb.
Prayer is a living, loving, breathing, surrendering inner and outer faith  beauty of a verb, located in the village of discomfort.

I am a wandering little pilgrim right now, full of raw conflicting voices.  I shout them out into the darkening sky to give the stars energy.  I share them with my family and friends.  I'm also the minstrel entering the woods alone, a soulspace where faith just may reside in the silence of a prayer.  Empty for renewal.  Grieving loss. Living faith.  Unprotected but firmly supported by many.  I am blessed, tired, sad, confused, hurt but I'm going to be alright.  Yes I am.

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep."



Twain12 said...

i never know what to say (you have such a wonderful way of expressing yourself) but i do believe in the end everything will turn out as is should .
At this stage im my live i'm also riding the waves of change and i feel rudderless right now but i have hope that we will persevere.

Susan Deborah said...

My dear Dana:

Be still and know that I am God, says the Bible. Faith is the greatest thing one can have while traversing through paths of uncertainty. I liked the way the thoughts have flowed here . . . just like in the mind when we know that there is a way but yet have not figured out which.

The power we wield within ourselves is amazing.

I am glad that you chose us to listen to the meanderings of your innermost self.

Courage and passion,

awareness said...

Twain...yes we will. Anytime you want to go for a walk in the woods, I'm just down the road. email me anytime. I mean it. I think it would be good to meet face to face and share a smile.

Susan....your words leave me with such a good warm feeling. thank you. the power is there and you're right. it is amazing. just have to experience the big dips too. whoosh!

Anonymous said...

“When you have come to the edge Of all light that you know And are about to drop off into the darkness Of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or You will be taught to fly” author unknown


I have been praying and grieving for you. Please call me when you feel like a big hug.


theMuddledMarketPlace said...

journeying....complexities upon complexities

my best wishes, hugs and much love

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

" I am in the first stages of marriage separation...."
I cannot imagine the inner turmoil that has to be going on, my dear...Not an easy time in any way, is it? I send you Big Hugs and hope for the future as you walk through the weeds here....So sorry, dear Dana, that you are going through such a big and difficult 'change'....You are surroubded with caring family and friends and I hope that softens the blows here, somewhat.

Anonymous said...

*hugs to you, Dana*

I've written three different comments, and deleted them all. Words aren't sufficient, it seems.

Knowing what a beautiful soul you are, I can imagine that you are surrounded with friends and familly at this time. I wish I could share some tea and tears with you.

Anonymous said...

Oh Dana, I am so sorry to hear this. My heart aches for you yet I am glad you have so many instances around you, so many signs that you are being looked out for. I am thinking of you, my dear friend. Much love XXX

awareness said...

thank you for your kind support and concern everyone. A friend of mine told me to expect to feel like I'm riding the bi-polar express for a while. Well, she's right. I hope my writing will once again offer me an outlet and some solace which I am lacking at this point in the journey. Your comments surely do offer me a sense of kindred concern and I truly appreciate that.

Independent Chick said...

Dana, my heart breaks a little for you...I've been there. Having said that, I believe in what Twain12 said, "in the end, everything turns out as it should." I have no dobt that is hard to see at this very point and time but it is true. You've been following my words for a very long time. I'm sure you can see the evolution of my feelings, emotions and life. You'll do you're own evolution, on your own time, and you will come out just fine on the other side. : ) Hold on to the ones that love you and don't feel guilty for doing so. They are there because they love you.

Take good care my friend. XX

awareness said...

Stacey.... thank you. I have read along as you figured it out and I am so inspired by your focus and fortitude. to see where you are now truly is an inspiration. I can't wait to read about your graduation!!

Leigh Ann said...

Thank you Dana - I think we find ouselves in VERY similar situations right now...your words have been a comfort to me - with love and prayers :)

Leigh Ann