This week, I learned.............
That I'm 5 feet + tall, standing in 4 feet of water and not the other way around....
That resentment presses on the heart and turns it to stone, but that if you recognize just how much you've allowed to form, it begins to soften.
That a softening heart is very vulnerable, but much much healthier than one which remains encased in stone.
That when you pour fuel on your perception of unfairness or injustice, it flames out in righteous indignation.
That righteous indignation blinds you from all other interpretations of what is fair and what is justice which then floods you with uncontrolled feelings and a very little brain.
That you can't control how you are perceived, but you CAN control what you put out there of yourself if you reflect, rewind, remind, rework....and relax.
That I havent been very good at setting boundaries or looking after myself physically or emotionally because I was stuck in resentment and righteous indignation for a very long time.
That I have friends and family whose hearts are hurting too because one marital breakdown ripples outward to impact many many people who care, and who are connected to us in so many ways.
That I have much to learn.
That I continue to feel violated, and it is time to create a sacred space in my home where I can feel safe..... which I can call my own.
That when the unrelenting feelings come and I want to run away and hide, the very best thing I can do is sit quietly, focus on my breathing, listen to the sounds all around me, and pray.
That I know how to pray when I want to run away and that when I do, I learn something new and feel so much stronger.
That God provides minimal protection, but maximum support. He also provides many many people in our lives who can provide that hands on, emotional and spiritual support on His behalf.
That somehow my faith feels stronger than it ever has been.
That I should ALWAYS challenge my own thinking and ask myself.......... "is what I am thinking true, or am I stuck on the same note over and over again?"
I'm still scared and mixed up at times. Other times, I have a heightened clarity and focused energy. Its a very strange place to be. My righteous indignation will continue to bite me in the arse, but I will now catch myself and be more aware of this. I see for the first time how this has played a role throughout my adult life, and that realization feels shameful. Questions and the need for answers will continue to haunt me. I will work on learning to have fewer expectations, and to think that I have the capability of fixing things for people. I can't. I can't. No one can. Why do I think I have this magical power??
It will be a long time before I don't wake up with the shock that comes with the reality, but like the resentment which both of us cowardly allowed to choke our hearts and seriously alter our perceptions of the truth....(i'm sure the truth lies somewhere in between my view and his), the shock will soften eventually.
I've been doing more thinking and feeling than I can handle on most days. Though its only been 3 weeks, it feels like 5 years. I try my best to move slowly because that's the only way to really and truly heal while learning. However, my learning is happening at a clipping pace. I don't know why......... perhaps I have honestly opened my eyes and heart for the first time in a very long time.
Raw and vulnerable............in a frightening place of discomfort. Change has been foisted upon me whether I want it or not. I cannot be "protected" from this. But, I have "maximum support." For that, I say thank you. For that I can honestly say that I feel blessed.
What a whomping mind blower.