Sunday, March 28, 2010

learning..........?!



This week, I learned.............

That I'm 5 feet + tall, standing in 4 feet of water and not the other way around....

That resentment presses on the heart and turns it to stone, but that if you recognize just how much you've allowed to form, it begins to soften.

That a softening heart is very vulnerable, but much much healthier than one which remains encased in stone. 

That when you pour fuel on your perception of unfairness or injustice, it flames out in righteous indignation.  

That righteous indignation blinds you from all other interpretations of what is fair and what is justice which then floods you with uncontrolled feelings and a very little brain.

That you can't control how you are perceived, but you CAN control what you put out there of yourself if you reflect, rewind, remind, rework....and relax.

That I havent been very good at setting boundaries or looking after myself physically or emotionally because I was stuck in resentment and righteous indignation for a very long time.

That I have friends and family whose hearts are hurting too because one marital breakdown ripples outward to impact many many people who care, and who are connected to us in so many ways. 

That I have much to learn.

That I continue to feel violated, and it is time to create a sacred space in my home where I can feel safe..... which I can call my own. 

That when the unrelenting feelings come and I want to run away and hide, the very best thing I can do is sit quietly, focus on my breathing, listen to the sounds all around me, and pray.  

That I know how to pray when I want to run away and that when I do, I learn something new and feel so much stronger.

That God provides minimal protection, but maximum support.  He also provides many many people in our lives who can provide that hands on, emotional and spiritual support on His behalf. 

That somehow my faith feels stronger than it ever has been.  

That I should ALWAYS challenge my own thinking and ask myself.......... "is what I am thinking true, or am I stuck on the same note over and over again?"

I'm still scared and mixed up at times.  Other times, I have a heightened clarity and focused energy.  Its a very strange place to be.  My righteous indignation will continue to bite me in the arse, but I will now catch myself and be more aware of this.  I see for the first time how this has played a role throughout my adult life, and that realization feels shameful.  Questions and the need for answers will continue to haunt me.  I will work on learning to have fewer expectations, and to think that I have the capability of fixing things for people.  I can't.  I can't.  No one can.  Why do I think I have this magical power?? 

It will be a long time before I don't wake up with the shock that comes with the reality, but like the resentment which both of us cowardly allowed to choke our hearts and seriously alter our perceptions of the truth....(i'm sure the truth lies somewhere in between my view and his), the shock will soften eventually.  

I've been doing more thinking and feeling than I can handle on most days.  Though its only been 3 weeks, it feels like 5 years.  I try my best to move slowly because that's the only way to really and truly heal  while learning.  However,  my learning is happening at a clipping pace.  I don't know why......... perhaps I have honestly opened my eyes and heart for the first time in a very long time. 
Raw and vulnerable............in a frightening place of discomfort.  Change has been foisted upon me whether I want it or not.  I cannot be "protected" from this.  But, I have "maximum support."  For that, I say thank you.  For that I can honestly say that I feel blessed. 

What a whomping mind blower.


9 comments:

Selma said...

I'm going to cry reading this because you are so wise and beautiful while you are suffering so. I wish this hadn't happened to you but I can see you're not going to let it break you and for that I am both inspired and awestruck.

You are acting with such dignity. I would be a screaming, ranting mess. Thank you for showing me that even in the darkness there is still light.

Susan Deborah said...

Dana:

THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

I guess it's time to remind you that you are more than a conqueror. When situations as these overpower us, focus on his strength and grace. Don't look around like Peter but look unto him. I assure you that this is not quite easy but with consistent practice, we realise that the one in us is greater than any of our problems.

Joy, courage and hope,
Susan

Jen said...

That when the unrelenting feelings come and I want to run away and hide, the very best thing I can do is sit quietly, focus on my breathing, listen to the sounds all around me, and pray.


That I know how to pray when I want to run away and that when I do, I learn something new and feel so much stronger.


That God provides minimal protection, but maximum support. He also provides many many people in our lives who can provide that hands on, emotional and spiritual support on His behalf.
---------

Amazing, Dana.

I needed this reminder.

......instead of running away...sit quietly and pray.

Brilliant.

But so, so difficult.

Much love to you....

Twain12 said...

"Raw and vulnerable............in a frightening place of discomfort. Change has been foisted upon me whether I want it or not. I cannot be "protected" from this"

I can so relate to this, actually i can to your whole blog. I don't pray per say but i meditate and come to a lot of realisations about myself and how i have to reevaluate everything i thought i knew. I just hope we come out on the other side a little wiser.i'm glad your faith, friends and family are there for you even though at times i'm sure it must feel lonely.
Hugs♥

Gypsy said...

I know this is one of the most gut wrenching things you will ever go through Dana, but you will get through it because you are a survivor.

Just take baby steps...put one foot in front of the other, one step at a time and breathe.

Just know there are a lot of us carrying you in our hearts as you go through this terrible ordeal.

Sending you much love and hugs xxx

Bear said...

I've been observing from a distance, through reader, and this post has hit the mark with me.

I have little to add to the words that have already been expressed... your strength, wisdom and dignity has been noted by others, and I echo their concern and good wishes... but I do want to thank you for your inspiring words. I only wish we didn't have to learn some of these things in such a hard way.

awareness said...

Selma....oh, believe me. i have been a screaming ranting mess. i'm all over the map these days, but I can't blog then. i'm too snotty. my friends and family will attest to that. much of what i shared in this post, particularly about resentment and righteousness is new learning for me. and recognizing it in myself and how it impacted my view of the world and the people in it has been cathartic.
what i want to do here is try to share any helpful insights and learning, but also write it out because it helps me clarify it too.
thank you for such wonderfully kind words Selma. they mean a lot. they really do.

Susan. thank you........ I was actually thinking about the conqueror thing early Sunday morning when I applied myself to staying and not fleeing. :) thank you

awareness said...

Jen, it was an amazing discovery yesterday morning when I was able to do that. I don't have time to write it all out, but will soon.
what i am learning is that i seem to be less reluctant to try something different to move out of that terrible feeling of hurt and discomfort. And I am finding that sense of grounding through my faith. If there is a light side to this dark crap, it is that.

Twain. It really was more of a meditation than a traditional prayer. But, what I've learned is that they are one in the same.
We will pull out of this stuff in a very different place. patience and reflection right?

awareness said...

Gypsy... I honestly feel circled (globally even!!!) by friends. I'm grateful beyond description. thank you.

Bear....I'm so glad you left me a message. thank you. I want to continue to use this blog as it is intended, for sharing my own learning in hopes that it strikes chords for others too. As much as I would like to rant and rave and really take a strip off a select few, this will never be the venue.
I wish I had more time to be writing here because it seems like so many light bulb moments have lit me up alongside of the deep dipping sad ones. I am keeping notes in my journal though, and will be able to sit down and write away more freely one day soon.

lots of ideas stirring inside this wee little brain of mine. :)