Spiraling Angie

Angie was a young mom when I met her in 1989. Fueled with energy, she burst into my Life Skills class with her long flowing strawberry blonde hair, blue smiling eyes and sunshine determination to pull herself out of a life of struggling poverty.

A natural leader, her optimistic outlook permeated throughout the group. They absorbed her infectious laugh, her drive to learn about solving situations effectively, about becoming more assertive, confident and in charge of their own lives. Angie had goals……….not lofty ones…………realistic goals that would allow her to pull herself out of the poverty that she had grown up accustomed to. This young single mom with a baby in tow was on her way. That’s how I felt when we met on the last day of class. Within a few months, Angie was off Social Assistance………the first one in her family. She had found a temporary job with the local power company and the possibility of moving into something more permanent with benefits.

Every now and then I would bump into her at the store or downtown on her way to work. She was tired just like the rest of us trying to juggle work and home responsibilities, but her glowing smile told me that her confidence was still intact and her juggling act was working. Angie always asked about the other women who were in the class with her………how they were making out. She always talked about how much the life skills course changed her life. Like many Maritimers, she always called me dear.

Word found me when Angie became pregnant with her second child. She worked up until the due date, still in a temporary position and was able to collect Maternity Benefits after her daughter was born. But, there wasn’t a job to return to. Still, she was in love with a guy who seemed to have work opportunities, though seasonal labour work and she was being cared for. Turns out, this knight in shining armour was unreliable. Just like her own father.

The cycle began again……………………

With two young ones in tow, Angie ploughed ahead. She managed to find a cleaning job which she didn’t mind. Her own mother was able to care for her kids at night. Angie continued to juggle her responsibilities while she scraped together the money to pay the rent and bills. Every now and then, her “husband” would show up for a while and the family would get back on track as a whole. Constantly behind in their bills, constantly trying to make the relationship work, life started unraveling when Angie’s eldest son was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder. He was a handful, and with no real help, Angie didn’t know how to deal with his erratically busy behaviour.

One more pebble on a pile of pebbles to carry……….her burden worsened when she found herself pregnant again. In her heart, she thought maybe another baby would help her marriage……would force her husband to be responsible and accountable.

I don’t know when she gave up. I think it was after the birth of her third child. Angie didn’t have the energy to look after her home, provide for her children, discipline and teach them on top of working. She lost her job and applied for Social Assistance again. Her husband every now and then would show up with some money from a job where he was paid under the table for. He also introduced Angie to the drugs...............a quick hit prescription to keep depression at bay.... an escape hatch that guaranteed freedom from thinking..........

I only learned of this part of her life when I received a phone call out of the blue a couple of years ago. We hadn’t spoken for 5 or six years. When I answered the phone and heard her voice, however, I knew who is was……….despite the sound of surrender………………. Angie wanted me to meet with she and her eldest son, who was failing out of Grade 9. She couldn’t do anything with him and thought maybe I would be able to help her out. Of course I would try……….and arrange for a Youth Intervention Worker to follow up with him in the school system.

Angie arrived in my office looking worn. Her shine was gone. The sunshine determination had been worn right out of her. It was obvious to me that she was sitting in my office high on some kind of medication, but I focused on her son to find out where his head was at and what made him tick.........so that I could link him to a mentor....... a "Big Brother" of some kind who could give this kid the direction and structure he obviously thirsted for. Our meeting lasted most of the afternoon. Not a lot of hope, but a feeling that maybe the burden Angie was feeling could be lifted a wee bit so that she could possibly focus on finding her path again. Her son would get some direction.

Yesterday as I was coming out of my old office building, Angie was struggling up the stairs. I barely recognized her. Not a speck of shine is left in her long strawberry blonde hair that now is streaked with grey. Her clothes were filthy, as were her fingernails. When she smiled to greet me, I almost cried. Her teeth were all gone except one. Her face was marked with open sores.

Her voice was the same, as she greeted me with the familiar........ "Hi Dear......" What was missing her spark.

There was no spark in her voice............

Angie's son is now 17. Her daughter is 15. Both have quit school. Her youngest? He is living in a foster home because this family fell apart. Angie has struggled with drug addiction. Dilaudid is her drug choice, which is easy to purchase when one can approach many a physician in this province for a prescription. Her knight in shining armour is in jail......sentenced for two years......assault, theft and cocaine possession. Angie just started on the Methadone program three days ago. She's hopeful, she says.............she wants to be well again.

My heart tells me that it's not going to happen. She is a shell of herself at the ripe old age of 38. Tired, worn, unhealthy, and unable to pull it together........

What happened here? So many interventions............. so many good people involved in trying to help this family ........... and yet .............what the hell happened here?

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The Scarlet Tide

When I recall his parting words
Must I accept his fate
Or take myself far from this place
I thought I heard a black bell toll
A little bird did sing
Man has no choice
When he wants every thing

We'll rise above the scarlet tide
That trickles down through the mountain
And separates the widow from the bride

Man goes beyond his own decision
Gets caught up in the mechanism
Of swindlers who act like kings
And brokers who break everything
The dark of night was swiftly fading
Close to the dawn of day
Why would I want him just to lose him again

We'll rise above the scarlet tide
That trickles down through the mountain
And separates the widow from the bride

Alison Kraus.